Big Mac with a Small News

The NBA Playoffs are upon us. Hear the collective yawn escape everybody who stayed up to watch the Houston/Utah game last night and the collective gasp escape everybody in Cleveland and the NBA front office who saw LeBron turn his ankle today!

Criticism continues to pour in from Iraq. The Sunni bloc leader said that the proposed Shia/Sunni wall that will split neighborhoods in Baghdad will not work and will make things worse. The White House may want to look into the popularity of the former wall in Berlin to get an idea of how well this plan will endear them to the people.

At least security forces in Iraq are finally taking the initiative to act like Americans after a New York Times story came out about confessions being beaten out of detainees. If American hasn't taught Iraq about democracy, at least Iraqis learned how Steven Seagal gets information in his police films.

In national security issues, Air Force generals have ordered a review of defense mechanisms for satellites in orbit in outer space. This comes after the Chinese demonstrated the ability to shoot down one of their own satellites in orbit, hinting at the potential to unleash an electronic communication attack on the United States. As long as the first satellite taken down cuts off FoxNews to Ohio, the self-defense program is exactly where it needs to be.

Mutually assured destruction is also part of Commander in Chief Bush's national security plan, and he's keeping that concept alive with a bang as he moves forward with his plan to update America's nuclear arsenal. His abilities in foreign diplomacy are exceeded only by Kevin McHale's ability in basketball team building.

Wolfowitz and his efforts to repair Jewish/Islamic relations by dating across the divide continue to make the news. Ahh yes...the World Bank...fighting poverty one scandalous relationship at a time.

The Washington Post adds a caveat to those buying into Barack Obama's pledge to eschew donations from federal lobbyists. He is apparently bypassing the federal lobbyist money by taking money from...everybody else, including state lobbyists. He's a man of principles. Not very strongly held principles, but they are principles nonetheless.

In Cuban news, he's back! Fidel Castro met with Chinese officials in Cuba for the first time since his hiatus after diverticular disease surgery that installed, of all things, an artificial anus. He was going to try an anus transplant, but Karl Rove has been busy preparing a defense for his missteps and was unavailable to be sewn to the end of Castro's intestine.

Bill O'Reilly continues to be fair and balanced in arguing with anybody who will listen. His latest altercation involved Denver Post media critic Joanne Ostrow, a columnist who refused to appear on his show after she penned a critical review of O'Reilly's work. Undeterred, O'Reilly ambushed Ostrow in the grocery store parking lot with camera crew in tow. It sounds like this plus the wrestling match with Geraldo Rivera indicate that the no-spin zone is spinning out of control.

Public health professional Bernie Ellis is getting out of jail but is threatened with having his farm repossessed by the government after serving time on a medical marijuana conviction. Looking more like Jerry Orbach than Jerry Garcia, Ellis' actions have garnered great attention from medical rights advocates and more attention from Pacman Jones, who is going to need a hookup during his first eight game suspension at the beginning of season.

In conclusion, bizarre stories lead off with an Amish crime spree involving kidnap and buggy-jacking. The police are guessing the perpatrators could be anywhere within the three square mile radius they could have traveled in the horse-drawn carriage since the events transpired.

These same police may be amongst the heroes that saved Ronald McDonald from almost certain death after he was hanged and disfigured. McDonald was probably saying to himself, "Ouch...I'm not loving it!"

Kick Them While They're Down

It's an exciting time to be alive. I'm excited. You're excited. George Flintstone is excited. Let's do this thing.

Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung Hui continues to dominate the news. He sent footage to NBC news between his first killing spree and his second. School will be canceled this week. President Bush offered his condolences and suggested that he will carefully reconsider which Korea he will declare war against next. Slate also proposed limiting gun show sales in a move that couldn't hurt but is no better than vaguely related to the Va-Tech incident.

Smooth pimp (and president of the World Bank) Paul Wolfowitz is fighting charges of favorable hiring and cronyism for hiring his girlfriend after an expensive World Bank-funded campaign to get her the position was racked up. Chaos follows the guy who was a key architect of the Iraq war. Apparently, Paul, there are consequences for selling your soul to Satan.

Speaking of Iraq, Sunni Saudi Arabia has agreed to write off 80 percent of the longstanding Iraqi debt. Step number two is to try and get them to pay off America's war debt and then we can put this whole mess behind us.

A U.N. report shows evidence of illegal Sudanese weapons transfers and airplane markings. Hopefully this leads to a military peacekeeping force and an end to the violence.

The Supreme Court voted 5-4 to uphold a law banning (depending on whom you ask) late-term or partial birth abortions. It doesn't make that big of a difference as Gary Sheffield and Andy Rooney are completely born and this procedure would be termed murder if it was used on those clowns.

Jurors are claiming bias against potential defendant and Patriot Act poster boy Jose Padilla. Seriously, how unfair could it be when jury bias is compared to suspending habeas corpus?

Ladies, Prince (and future King) William is single and looking to mingle after jilting his lady love. Remember, he comes from a family with a brother who dressed up as Hitler for Halloween, so high class is a must.

Today is also a tremendous day for crazy stories. Authorities in California continue to uncover giant industrial hydroponic marijuana mills in California. The busts have an estimated street value of $50 million. Harvard University researchers want people to keep on smoking after preliminary research showed that THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, might aid in shrinking tumors. Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are actively fighting a disease they don't have this very minute through what can only be called preventative medicine.

After being blessed by having the bomb dropped within its city limits, Nagasaki was hit by another bomb when a Yakuza gangster assassinated the mayor in an argument stemming from an old car problem. And they say America has a gun problem. A pinch Southwest of Nagasaki, Hong Kong diners are being charged for leftovers (some as much as 64 cents per ounce) in a move aimed at limiting waste. The other move restaurant management could consider is requiring diners to tip Rosie O'Donnell and Artie Lang who will just sit around and devour the leftovers.

Finally, Nike ran an ad in the New York Times based around the Don Imus controversy. As these updates entail, it's great to kick a guy when he's down.

Another day, another dollar

As the great philosopher Gene Autry once sang, "I'm back in the saddle again."

The really important international top story is the newly minted confession by 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (who looks like a haggard "Time to Make the Donuts" guy Fred the Baker from the Dunkin Donuts commercials). He also claimed responsibility for bombings in a number of other countries, including Bali and Britain. After six years of questionable interrogation techniques and illegal incarceration, at least the U.S. will get a chance to show Iraq how to properly handle a high profile execution (if there is in fact a way to properly handle any execution).

On a more serious note, he also claimed responsibility for the execution of journalist Daniel Pearl, a Jewish American reporter for the Wall Street Journal. This is a tremendously sad event.It is so depressing that instead of making a joke about it, I will type in a moment of silence.








My good friend Tom Hemsley has been urging me to get focused on the Alberto Gonzales/federal attorney fiasco. He sees it as a cheap, partisan shill. I find that hard to believe. What kind of fool would buy into a low blow allegation like that? Well, for starters, the Nation magazine does. They call this the biggest scandal to plague the Attorney General since the 1920s. Another blog at The Nation identifies the Gonzales issue and Walter Reed as another in a long line of miserable failures by a misguided leader. A CBS interview profiles a terminated Democratic U.S. Attorney who claims he was given no reason for termination after prosecuting a person trying to start an al Qaeda training camp in Oregon as well as the Millenium bomber. Okay, maybe it was a cheap, partisan shill. How was I to know? Now I do.

The New York Times is reporting that progress in Iraq is lagging behind initial goals set by President Bush. These are the same pessimists who are still denying that the mission has in fact been accomplished.

On the front of the ever growing hoard that also doesn't believe the mission has been accomplished is Alabama teenager Ava, who makes professional quality anti-war video clips out of her bedroom. Her Web site has been receiving more and more hits. It is a terrible thing when a 16 year old can figure something out that the President can't.

But at least the war on terror is still going strong. Finally, the Justice Department is taking a bite out of that Miss Chiquita Banana hooker and her terrorist militia ties in Columbia. When nothing else is working, at least you can fall back on the war on terror.

With everything else going so smoothly in Washington, it is also difficult to fathom dozens in the G.O.P turning away from the No Child Left Behind/No Child Moves Forward education plan. House Minority Whip Roy Blunt and as well as Representatives John Cornyn and Eric Cantor (all Republicans) are all jumping off the ship. It appears that in the near future, George Bush will be the only child being left behind.

Federal attorneys who weren't fired recently have taken up prosecution of Angel Raich, a patient with scoliosis, a brain tumor, chronic nausea and other ailments that uses medical marijuana to treat her illnesses. If the war on terror isn't working, you can always go back to the ever successful war on drugs.

Or maybe you can't. According to a National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse report, frequent binge drinking and abuse of prescription drugs is up at college campuses. I'm not a doctor, but as a professional student, it would be pretty easy to blame unsafe behavior on taking the edge off the cost of college. But what do I know?

In other health news, the L.A. Times covered two cases of Chagas disease being transmitted in Los Angeles by blood transfusions. I worked on a project at a medical school with a researcher who was studying Chagas disease, an illness passed by an insect known as the kissing bug throughout Latin America. The disease causes flu-like symptoms at first, which subside and are then followed by severe organ failure as much as 20 years later, and it can be transmitted through blood transfusions. The illness is becoming more common in the United States with its increasing Latino population. Many, but not all blood banks check for Chagas disease. Ding ding ding...U.S. Government, it's your turn to take over.

In media issues, the same L.A. Times has come under fire because two reporters successfully nominated themselves for a Pulitzer Prize. Each newspaper is limited to three nominations, and some feel that this process by the Times was unethical. Everybody, that is, except for the guys who got nominated.

Sports will become all college basketball all the time with March Madness now. I always need an excuse to sit in my apartment in my underwear drinking beer and screaming at the top of my lungs. This is the kind of activity that fills my time card this time of year. So, ladies, if that's the kind of trait you look for in a man, I'll be at the apartment drinking in my underwear until 4:30. Then I have to step out and turn in a paper. I'll be back in my boxers at six. Just knock on the door...pants are optional.

In the ever-growing growth hormone problem, center fielder Gary Matthews, Jr. finally denied using HGH. This advice evidently came from his lawyer, O.J. Simpson murder trial attorney Robert Shapiro. Hopefully Shapiro can explain how Matthews' batting average went from .255 to .313 in one season in addition to his amazing spike in power. It was probably something in the water.

Also in MLB news, Pete Rose admitted to betting on the Reds every night when he managed for them. ESPN Sports Center determined that he would have lost money doing that. All I know is that I bet that admission won't help him get in the Hall of Fame. I'll keep making that bet every night, and I'll keep winning.

Mark Prior is continuing his meteoric decent into mediocrity, taking a dive to the minor leagues.

Prior's injuries were previously mocked by the Chicago Tribune in a column called "Prior Watch" that detailed every minute of his injury updates every day in print. He was the second player drafted when he was selected by the Cubs. Now he is being mocked by a guy with a bag on his head in a White Sox jersey. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

The NFL is expected to agree with the Players Association on a new automatic one year suspension for criminal behavior. It will be called the Pacman Jones/ Chris Henry/ Tank Johnson rule.

Finally, this scandal is so big that it could probably eat half a ton of edamame and soba noodles and come back for seconds. A Japanese muckraking publication is saying that Sumo wrestling is fake, and participants are denying the charges vehemently. I always wondered how Yokozuna made the easy transition to the World Wrestling Federation. Now at least I know.

This bit will wrap up with the crazy news department. Back to issues of HGH, but this time by an American icon, Sylvester Stallone has been charged with importing 48 vials of human growth hormone into Australia. It was obvious from the beginning that only heavy drug use could have caused somebody to be so delusional that they would make the movie "Rocky 7."

Another great topic in the Cleveland Scene is the article about Amish girls getting wasted. As a person who sold piles of liquor and beer to Amish guys whose secular buddies brought them to the liquour store in a van, let me be the first to tell you, "Na Zdrowie."

Finally, a new record may have been set for the best (or worst) criminal of all-time. A 13 year old Nelsonville, Ohio boy has been charged with 128 felonies, including burglary, theft, vandalism and witness intimidation. This may be the final proof needed to ascertain that some of the children have, in fact, been left behind.

Unfortunately, this may be the last political rant for a few days as the operation is moving on to sunnier spring break pastures.