Walking Your Way to a Better Vagina

Topping the list of protest efforts that can only have unemployed (or extremely dedicated) participants is the March of the People. The June 21st march begins at Union Park in Chicago and will stretch all the way to Washington, D.C. over a long period of time. I recommend that all participants run, not walk through Gary, Ind.

Possibly the only story that could follow a story of a cross country protest march is a story about the steady increase in the number of cosmetic labia (or "designer vagina") surgeries. It is unclear what this says about the vanity level of the United States. The only thing that is clear is that this may not be the last time I read or hear the word vaginoplasty.

I'll end with a little bit of word play. LeBron James is the opposite of clutch. That is all.

Baywatch: Hasselhoff's Bathroom

Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.

Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.

Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.

Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.

Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.

In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.

Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."

Fighting with Hair Bands and Fucking with Soccer Stars

There is great goofy news to post today. If the above video of Dee Snider in tight pink pants fighting a street hood in some undisclosed location doesn't get you motivated, nothing will. (I heard about it on Stern today...it is hilarious!)

In the too funny to fabricate category, German soccer stars Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn won a lawsuit against a German sex shop chain for using their names on a series of vibrators. I find soccer tremendously boring to watch, but if there were a couple of vibrators involved, I might pay attention for a minute.

Finally, the giant windbag Jerry Falwell finally ran out of gas. The founder of the Moral Majority and an icon of the religious right in the United States died today at the age 73. Analysts believe Falwell is going to heaven as his legacy of church-first bible-thumpers that elected George W. Bush President will be left behind here on Earth as Falwell speeds along to the afterlife.

Politicians are Crazy

The results are in. Politicians are officially insane. The Los Angeles Tribune features an editorial that cites a study that found that one out of three Democrats believe George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks. The author calls the party "out of their gourds."

If he thinks that's crazy, he should check out the 30 percent of Republicans who don't believe in evolution. There is a little more hard line science behind evolution than speculation, at any rate.

Cheap Entertainment

There are a few things that I look for when I view my entertainment options. Sex. Gratuitous violence. Ethnic stereotyping. Profanity. Excessive drinking. The Drinky Crow segment on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim by cartoonist Tony Millionaire offers all this and more in a fifteen minute package. Check out the new installment on the Adult Swim network, and prepare to laugh while being offended. There is also a profile of the cartoonist in the New York Times that sheds some insight on his twisted perspective. Good times!

God and Oprah Are a Load of Fish Crap

This is a list, in no particular order, of things I found hilarious or interesting today. Please enjoy my musings. Number one is Wednesday's episode of Dateline that featured an inspired Kirk Cameron (a.k.a. Mike Seaver) arguing in circular fashion that God exists in a circus-like forum. At least you can be sure that Dateline doesn't pull any punches in drafting the intellectual elite (or a television character with a friend named Boner) to advocate a given position at these sideshows.

On a more serious note, it's good to see Taalam Acey advocating for positive change in hip hop. The poet writes to Oprah Winfrey (who may be less knowledgeable about hip hop than Jamie Kennedy, or even less knowledgeable about hip hop then Kirk Cameron is about theology) and makes a case for the positive roots of hip hop that you never see in VH1 Behind the Music Specials. Acey advocated this position years before idiots like Don Imus used rap music to justify his racism. It's time to listen to somebody who knows what they're talking about in terms of hip hop history (and to start ignoring Harpo Winfrey if at all possible).

Finally, if Oprah wants an easy way to pay penance for her crimes against humanity, she could try spending 45 minutes in a vat of fish feces like the four workers who got an opportunity to float in the funk in Massachusetts earlier this week. Unlike Kirk Cameron, I don't know if there is a hell or what it is like, but I bet 45 minutes floating in fish poop is as close as it gets here on Earth outside of sit-com stars taking on advocacy roles.

The Poster Before the Debate

If you want to see the images that will be on the television ads, the Web video and the blackmail requests hurled at Rudy Giuliani when the heat from the Presidential election gets turned up, look no further than the convenient slide show from Slate that shows of Rudy in all his cross dressing glory. I don't know how that is going to sit with his social conservative Republican block (better than his abortion stance, I'm guessing), but I will say that if I had to choose between Giuliani and McCain in drag, I'd vote for sweet lips Giuliani every time.

Crazy News

If nothing else, at least there is time for weird news updates. The L.A. Times used its editorial page to criticize Barack Obama's performance...as a MySpace friend. Apparently he is nothing better than a friend collector. However, Obama's virtual shortcomings are nothing when compared to the Washington lawyer who filed a $65 million law suit against his dry cleaner for losing a pair of pants. I hope these were some seriously significant pants in some sort of historical context, because most of Barney's department store men's wear clocks in about $64.9 million dollars less than this legal bandit is looking for.

Content Analysis Break

So...I am going on temporary hiatus to perform a massive swarm of content analysis for my seminar in international media. Go Bulls, go Cubs, go Mayweather, Jr. I apologize for my unfounded criticism of the last batch of Browns' drafts. Phil Savage made me look like a maroon. But I'll be back as soon as time permits. Daily posts for two months is slightly time consuming.

Beam Me Up

When the story of James Doohan (the Scotty of "Beam me up, Scotty") having his ashes scattered in space isn't the top story of the day, you know it's a crazy, crazy news day.

Saudi officials announced the arrest of 172 militants that might be connected to al Qaeda. After repeated allegations from the U.S. that they were funding terrorism, it's good to see Saudi Arabia having their cake and eating it too.

The New York Times leads with the White House scaling back their grandiose claims of success in Iraq. They are going from calling the situation in Iraq a potential catastrophic failure to clearly identifying Iraq as a catastrophic failure.

A few miles south, the Washington Post leads with reports of Condoleezza Rice deputy Randall Tobias resigning after it was discovered he was linked to an escort service. Tobias claimed he received massages at Deborah Jeane Palfrey's escort service without getting the so-called happy endings. Pete Rose also claimed he only bet on his team to win, so we'll see how that works for Tobias in the court of public opinion.

The Chicago Sun Times runs a story about the Marines dropping a straight A high school student from its ranks after he delivered an improvised Virginia-Tech-shooter-esque project to his teacher. If the Corps won't take him, coach Marvin Lewis might suit the kid up in Bengal stripes after displaying a verbal upside like that.

Finally, after a swarm of government agencies came down on former Mets employee Kirk Radomski for distributing anabolic steroids to a host of MLB players, general manager Omar Minaya might be upset that the Feds got him before he could juice a couple of homers out of third baseman David Wright.