Happy 200th Post

How does a blog commemorate its 200th post? A big party? Cake? Human sacrifice? At Nothing Better to Do, I will mark the occasion by lampooning the news and mocking those in power, those in positions of social prominence and random jerks on the street. Happy 200th!

The controversy-free nomination of Michael Mukasey for attorney general has run into a roadblock of...well, controversy. Mukasey is uncertain as to whether or not waterboarding is an act of torture, and Prez Bush believes that Mukasey is being treated unfairly on Capitol Hill by lawmakers who want him to commit on the issue. I'll say it's unfair! In celebration of the 200th post on this blog, I'm having my cake and eating it, too. Why should the boss of the judicial system not be afforded the same luxury?

From now until January 2009, election stories will be a staple of the political media sphere. The seemingly invincible Democratic party may be going out on a limb, showing their Achilles heel to Republican campaigners by considering a tax increase on wealthy Americans before the coming elections. Luckily for the Dems, none of the Carnegies or Rockefellers vote for their party anyway. Their problem may be convincing the working man that typically does vote Democratic that Hillary is just like one of them, and has their best interests in mind. Good luck with that one! John Kerry proved in the last election that only an idiot could lose to Bush, and the party should have their ineptitude perfected by 2008 to duplicate that kind of successful failure.

The donkey party is also working on hammering out their stances on another key component of their voting base--illegal immigrants. Despite the fact that illegals can't vote, there is a cultural connection between many of the first generation Latinos in the U.S. and the positions taken by the politicians. Democratic candidates also had to do their best in defining their positions to differentiate between illegal immigrants and space aliens like Dennis Kucinich.

On the other side of the fence, Mitt Romney's chief advisor on counterterrorism is in hot water because he is an executive at controversial sercurity firm Blackwater. Jesus Christ (of Latter Day Saints), does anybody in Romney's camp not think the media would point these slimy relationships out before the election? Was Chuck Norris too busy to take on the role of security chief because he was filming a new season of "Walker, Texas Ranger"? At least Walker never kills civilians!

In the Hilarious Party news, comedian Stephen Colbert will not be included on either the Democratic or Republican primaries for President in South Carolina, the only state in which Colbert is running, in a move that is seen by some as a funny plot to sell his book. Who knows what would have happened, but I bet that Colbert would beat the pants off of Tancredo and Gravel. And unlike Kucinich and Giuliani, Colbert actually means it when he says something funny.

The showbiz industry is getting worried now that the writers may go on strike. Now that there is nothing but reality television and "Law and Order" on television, how will they replace the geniuses that created brilliant vehicles like "Shaq's Big Challenge" and "Kid Nation"? Oh, that's right...reality TV has already made writers obsolete. At least I still have HBO.

In sports news, Martina Hingis is retiring from tennis ahead of news of a positive drug test for cocaine. Tennis officials who stated that cocaine is not a performance enhancing drug obviously never saw Steve Howe or Doc Gooden throw a baseball.

The crazy news department begins with reports of Don Vito, the drunken uncle on Bam Margera's MTV show "Viva La Bam," being found guilty of sexual assault of a minor. I don't know what's more shocking...Vito molesting little girls, or the parents of little girls letting them within five miles of this lunatic.

Finally, a couple vacationing at Disney World was robbed at gunpoint by a clown. I can't wait to see that mug shot or to hear that APB go out.

An Army of One

The Marines are suggesting that they should withdraw from Iraq and concentrate their efforts on Afghanistan while the Army remains in charge in Baghdad. Iraq is such a crappy place to be, the leathernecks would rather be hanging out in Afghanistan under U.N. command than stay in Mesopotamia. That's unreal.

The Washington Post detailed the White House's desire to target companies who employ illegal immigrants, and explained why the courts nixed that decision. It's good to see somebody in the other two branches of government actually CHECKING the power of the Executive branch for the first time in a long time.

The House resolution to recognize the genocide of the Armenians by the Turks during World War I has ruffled some feathers in the Turkish government. Now that the U.S. is nearly the last country on board regarding the state-sponsored campaign of murder that darkens Turkey's past, apparently Turkey will be the last to recognize the error of its (past) ways.

The general public might draw the conclusion that the media are prejudiced based upon Ann Coulter calling Christianity "perfected Judaism" and Fox News radio host John Gibson identifying the Cleveland school shooter as white based upon the premise, "I knew it as soon as he shot himself. Hip-hoppers don't do that. They shoot and move on to shoot again." It's too bad that purported news outlets would give these simpletons a soapbox to stand on, but you should expect nothing less than a quality product from Bill Gates and Rupert Murdoch's operations.

Finally, the crazy story of the day has to be the New York pizza shop owner who is accused of manufacturing counterfeit money behind the pizza oven. I'll take a large pizza with green peppers, mushrooms and convincing counterfeit $100 bills (for research purposes only, of course).

Microsoft Drives Me Crazy

In what must be one of the saddest stories of all time, the cyber-pirate Microsoft Corporation lost its appeal and may be forced to pay a record €497 million court fine for anti-competitive practices in Europe. Bill Gates will get to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day with a giant, "Arrr, matey! Shiver me timbers!" after the European Union pillaged and plundered the booty in Gates' bank accounts.

The Federal Reserve cut key interest rates in a move designed to improve America's economy. Hopefully the new energy in the economy will generate enough scratch for Bill Gates to pay off the right people in Europe.

One of the day's most interesting stories was the L.A. Times piece on the multimillion dollar cache of fine art in Iran that is kept in a basement. The works of Picasso, Van Gogh, Pollock, Warhol, Monet, Pissarro and Bacon are kept in an underground room with the public unable to view the art because of political and religious concerns. Perhaps we could sell Iran some of our more modern artistic treasures like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan so they can also keep them hidden from public view.

Immigration and issues of illegal aliens come up in interesting places, including the fine wine industry, where wineries that require manual labor in order to harvest the best product are under strain because of tighter border security limiting their potential pool of workers. I don't know how many illegal immigrants it takes to make my favorite single vineyard California Pinot Noir, but if the quality of California wine goes down, I'll be more than happy to buy my single vineyard Pinot Noir from Burgundy.

Today's favorite conduit for controversy is Andrew Meyer, the University of Florida student who was subdued by police Taser in a video that was featured in a post here yesterday. Critics are starting to question his credentials as a journalist after reading some of his editorials that were basically senseless rants with little to no fact checking. Hey, famouswriterman, I guess Andy Warhol's prognostication of everybody having 15 minutes of fame was pretty accurate.

Also in regards to the difference between fame and infamy, the Dallas Cowboys signed embroiled defensive lineman Tank Johnson to a two-year contract. Luckily for Tank, he's more difficult to tackle and take down with a Taser than Andrew Meyer was, so the police will usually ask Johnson nicely to turn himself in when he's a wanted man. Unluckily for the NFL, Johnson is also a magnet for trouble. Hopefully he can stay out of jail long enough to face the Bears in the post-season.

Speaking of football players and felonies, Texas is leading the nation in players suspended and crimes (allegedly) committed this season after Coach Mack Brown suspended running back James Henry for being charged with two felonies in retaliation for a separate incident involving two other Texas football players and an (alleged) armed robbery. Mack Brown is allegedly the coach, and allegedly he recruited these felons, so if the University of Texas is indeed allegedly an institution of higher learning, they should fix some of these real problems before the governor calls the National Guard to take down your roving (and 6th- or 7th-ranked) gang of thugs.

Finally, in vegetarian news, Alicia Silverstone is getting naked to promote vegetarianism. It's good to see that her cruelty-free diet has helped her to shed some of that Batman weight. I have had a hankering for Silverstone since her appearance in the Aerosmith videos, so she does qualify as an animal product I would eat.

Effortlessly Unbeatable

Go ahead, Tiger Woods. You just had to prove once again that you were better than everybody else and ruin my dreams of the Golfing Beer Keg John Daly taking the major. Rooting against Tiger is like cheering against inevitability. Picking the field against Woods in a major is like putting your money on the Washington Generals. The field in professional golf typically plays like the Generals. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Those looking for somebody to blame over economic problems tied to the latest batch of Wall Street woes would have problems connecting the two based upon the decentralized lending hub that makes up the domestic mortgage system. Accordingly, Americans should do what they've always done and focus their efforts blaming the boogie man, gremlins or Saddam Hussein.

The White House is intensifying the pressure on the illegal immigration issue, using 26 measures that strengthen the laws already in place. It's about time in my opinion. If our government can't keep foreigners like Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal out of America where they are stealing money from the honest native population, how else can we expect Andy Roddick to win a tennis major?

The NYTimes details a new highway in Israel that is segregated to keep Jews and Palestinians apart. There should be a similar proposal in the United States where the highway is partitioned to separate people who are driving on the highway from people who are using their cell phones, Blackberries and DVD players to connect to the world.

The Iraq War Czar Douglas Lute has a new plan for strengthening the forces in Iraq, and it's based upon an old, unpopular relic from past wars...the draft. The only people in this country that support a draft are the New York Knicks because having a few players shipped out to Iraq is the only way they could get rid of the dead weight that currently makes up their roster.

While the current Supreme Court has done everything in its power to crush Constitutional rights of ordinary citizens, the lower courts have done their damnedest to stick up for the little guy. It's about time somebody other than Ralph Nader and his reviews of the latest developments in microwave ovens supported the people of this country.

George Bush has been a President that deeply concerned about his historical legacy, and after all of the bad press that has been thrown his way, somebody has finally given credit where credit is due. The authoritarian president of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe cites the policy of espionage used by the Bush administration as the basis and the defense for the newest tool in the dictator's bag of tricks. Both Bush and Mugabe have authority to secretly authorize wiretaps and email surveillance. Being a model for Mugabe does for your legacy what Michael Richards gets backing your credibility at an NAACP convention.

The news day concludes with a woman from Virginia who sold a chunk of her driveway with a smeared patch of sealant colored like the face of Jesus Christ on eBay for $1,800. This is only one of many examples of eBay generating big money for religious icons. The previous examples included spirituality in the form of Funyuns and grilled cheese. If anybody is interested, I just took a dump that is shaped like Goliath's head after David hit him with the rock, and you can bid on it in the comments section.

You Can't Teach Height

photo illustration by Jennifer Pottheiser, Getty Images

After literally minutes of deliberation, the Portland Jailblazers used the first pick of the 2007 NBA Draft to select Greg Oden. over number two choice Kevin Durant. The Trailblazers hope that the looks-50-but-actually-19-year-old center Oden will turn around a franchise that has been short on success since Clyde the Glide was losing NBA titles to Da Bulls while moving better than he did in his ill-fated appearance on "Dancing with the Stars." The Bulls took Joakim Noah in a move that should give us an entire roster of Final Four players, an entire roster of guys who jump high, run fast and can't score down low alongside an entire roster of guys with as many title rings as Mark Price and Karl Malone.

Dick Cheney and his insidious nature continue to top the news box. A few days ago, a Washington Post blog link addressed by this blog spoke of one of Cheney's nature gaffes. The House Natural Resources Committee would like to ask Count Cheney-la about his role in the killing of 70,000 salmon a few years ago. It's obvious he did it; it's ashame (and even more obvious) that he'll get away with it.

Democrats slugged it out in the debate, coming to a consensus that none of them liked the Supreme Court decision to limit the factor of race from decisions of school integration. Rather than crying over spilt milk, the party might have attempted to win the last election, a move that would have allowed them the power to nominate justices that would not have made this decision.

Speaking of long-simmering issues, the Senate crunked the second attempt to address immigration legisltion. At this rate, by the time Mexico reannexes the Southwest these laws ought to pass.

The Cleveland Scene covers a few online independent music sales portals that are creating real competition for conglomerate cogs like iTunes and the major(ly dissapointing) record labels. I'll throw my support behind anything that keeps big business out of MY music collection. This would be the same big business threatening to block Prince from selling his music in record stores because his Purpleness is giving his new album away free in a Sunday newspaper as a promotion.

The bald eagle was removed from the endangered species list for the first time in 40 years recently. Ted Nugent and his arsenal should have one bagged by Sunday.

MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski delivered a colorful protest about leading the broadcast with news about Paris Hilton. Joe Scarborough was in support of the importance of Paris news, but Ms. Brzezinski would have none of it. The only kind of Paris news I want is video that shows multiple clips of the hotel heiress doing drugs and making racist statements. Hilton is like the girl next door if you grew up in a brothel.

Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You

Here is a picture of the brains behind the brawn in the Oval Office. The only obstacle to Cheney being recognized as the Thinker to Bush's Decider is his refusal to admit that he is part of the Executive office. As the field of public relations has proven, if you can't win the argument, change the terminology.

Mother Jones detailed all of the possible steps that Congress could take to cut off Bush and Cheney's wet dream of a war with Iran before (or slightly after) it even begins. It's too bad they can't follow a detailed set of instructions (like the Constitution) to draw up impeachment procedure on the two goons before they hatch another brainstorm. Just do something before they have any more time to scheme their next brainchild.

Israel released 250 Fatah prisoners in a gesture aimed at strengthening the toothless Mahmoud Abbas. Gaza has deteriorated into a state of anarchy. The area is controlled by Hamas militants, and some are hoping that the effort might help secure the release of captured soldier Gilad Shalit and kidnapped journalist Alan Johnston. I keep trying to convince Israel to move the Western Wall to Utah and allow the Palestinians to have the Holy Land. After the next round of immigration reform stateside, Salt Lake City will be a much safer place than Gaza or the West Bank, and I'm sure John McCain could float the whole country at least five free immigration points towards becoming a permanent resident. The other benefit is that the surge in Jewish population would diversify the Mormon-heavy Utah, allowing the state to portray itself as a diverse community that accepts everybody.

Speaking of McCain legislation, the Supreme Court identified a new loophole in the McCain-Feingold Act that will allow corporations to fund political advertisements. I don't even want to think about what that will mean when Mark Cuban and his varied portfolio run for President in 2016. I'm hoping that the Coalition of People who Oppose Abortion and Love Donald Trump (COPOALDT) is piecing together commercials to submarine Cuban's chances.

Those who thought that Rupert Murdoch is only a little evil obviously missed today's article about his business dealings in China. At least China has the good sense to make sure that the Australian tycoon and his media business dealings in the country were miserable failures. China keeps its friends close and its enemies closer. The U.S. is a cheap hooker that will let you do anything for the right price.

Blogo-news is also invading the corporate landscape. Earlier posts in this blog referenced the strange logic that dictated when and where antitrust cases were raised, particularly in the cases of the Sirius/XM merger and the Whole Foods/Wild Oats merger. Whole Foods CEO John Mackey used the methodology employed by masterminds like Kobe Bryant and myself, blogging up a vindictive rant against the Federal Trade Commission that could harm his company's current merger case. Enjoy the ride, baby.

No matter if you are a CEO or a criminal, a King or Don King, a poet, a musician, an actor or just some dude from Quebec, you are probably involved in some way in the vortex of time wasting that is social networking. Those who are as well as those who aren't would be interested in the qualitative look at the differences between users of MySpace (me) and Facebook (me, also). The piece also determined that I am a loser for belonging to multiple electronic social networks.

CBS compiled its list of the 50 Biggest Sports Jerks. It's a good list. As usual, Maurice Clarett came up a little short. Gary Bettman might be a good choice. I believe that Carmelo "Sucker Punch" Anthony might also have earned a 48th or 49th place this year. Whatever demon is responsible for the Cubs and the last century of disappointment easily ranks somewhere in the top 50. It's a cruel beast with the body of a goat and the head of Steve Bartman that chokes on anything remotely tough. And it's a big jerk.

Wrestling with Logic

Edmonton residents will be somber this evening after the murder-suicide involving wrestling legend Chris Benoit and his family. This will put a kink in my Chris Benoit Day plans next year. It's too bad nobody got a chance to execute a finishing move like a crippler crossface before Benoit got his finishing move accomplished.

The Washington Post details Dick Cheney's role in establishing the policy of torture at Gitmo. It's good to see somebody in the White House planning something. It's too bad these plans come at the expense of the Geneva Convention and judicial oversight.

After seeing the international success of Cheney's torture policies, other Bush aides are scrambling to get on the same page as Congress on future Iraq policy. The plan is to get the Executive and Legislative branches to perform a duet of the Decemberists song, "We both go down together."

The L.A. Times goes over another kind of school discipline...keeping kids out of the district for living in Mexico. This is another in a long line of issues that have sprung up based upon the don't ask don't tell policy of immigrant labor in the United States. The only way these kids will be able to stay in the country will be if Tim Floyd offers them a scholarship to play basketball at USC in the next decade or so.

Taiwan is losing support in the latest round of United Nations Idol. Everybody is throwing their support behind frontrunner candidate China and leaving Taiwan to fight for itself. Dissent might be Made in Taiwan, but lingering resentment is definitely Made in China.

Salon identifies Mitt Romney's campaign optical illusion that aims to make him look less like a corporate cog and more of a man of the people. However he frames it, he still looks like I don't know what he stands for or supports.

Rupert Murdoch's evil takeover bid for the Wall Street Journal comes closer to fruition each day. Murdoch must agree to editorial protections before his bid will be considered. The Times takes care to detail how Congress kowtowed and changed laws to protect Murdoch's television holdings rather than forcing him to sell off his unfair market share. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Crazy news stories also made for some interesting reading. The dentist who filed a claim for filling 52 cavities in one mouth at one time either treated the most toxic mouth or pulled the stupidest fraud of all time (probably the latter). If he goes to court, at least the guy who filed a lawsuit for $54 million over his lost pants lost, showing that justice is blind but not completely retarded. They probably followed the logic from my first post on the subject.

He's Got a Puncher's Chance

The Cubs have shipped Michael Barrett off to San Diego for scrap metal. As displayed in the above photograph, thanks for the memories, Michael.

The proposed Mexican border fence is expected to alter the routines of many people, including Americans who aren't traveling to Mexico. It's amazing that our government can get motivated to build a fence to control immigration while earlier being incapable of putting any real effort into building the levee in New Orleans.

British officials have approached fighting terrorism by employing Muslims who are fluent in Arabic to work in anti-terrorism. This is a stark contrast to the United States, where President Bush expects all terrorists to speak in English so he doesn't have to use tax money to educate his intelligence forces. The city of Cincinnati and its football team could benefit from this approach by hiring former criminally-minded Bengal Corey Dillon to be the new sheriff in town.

Michael Bloomberg is promising not to be the only New York douche bag in the 2008 election. He cut ties with the Republican party, paving a path for the reclusive billionaire to run as an independent candidate. If Clinton, Giuliani and Bloomberg offer a trifecta of New Yorkers to vote for President, I'm voting Libertarian or Communist, whichever party Bloomberg isnt affiliated with.

Hillary Clinton announced her campaign theme song in a You Tube spot that parodied the recent "Sopranos" finale. The final episode of the mafia drama left a lot of the series uncertain and open to interpretation. It's too bad that we know Hillary's campaign prospects weren't whacked at the end of the You Tube episode.

Archeologists have identified the Americas' first gun shot victims. The Spanish conquistadors hunted down a band that resisted their occupation in Peru in 1536. Police have been contacted, and it is not clear what Pacman Jones' alibi was during the aftermath of the siege of Lima.

Microsoft caved in and agreed to allow changes to the way the much lamented Vista operates. As soon as they agree to allow changes that include building a new, not-Vista operating system and replacing the old Vista piece of junk for me, I agree to stop complaining about Vista's shortcomings.

Be Careful Who You Have a Crush On

If you were thinking that Paris Hilton might be a good rebound hook up after she gets out of jail, just read the name on that Valtrex prescription. The best known little secret in L.A. got out via the relaunching of the Paris Exposed Web site and was reposted by the Smoking Gun. Hopefully God can help her with the little breakouts. I'm sure Ron Mexico would still date her if he isn't jailed for dog fighting.

The fighting in Gaza has caused the Palestinian alliance to be dismantled. The Washington Post believes that the events plainly illustrate Bush's failed vision of the Middle East. The scenario is: Abbas fires the Hamas leadership, Hamas takes Gaza, Fatah takes the West bank and everybody involved loses.

The immigration bill, widely supported by Americans, has found a second life. Now if only the bill that was going to pull American troops out of Iraq could find new life, we could say the legislative branch has accomplished something this term.

The space program once again proved that the space cadets in government aren't merely part of the Bush White House. Computer system repairs and other quick fixes have extended the stay of the Atlantis aboard the international space station. The Christian Science Monitor addresses the problems with aging computer equipment aboard the space station. I urge them against downgrading their systems to Vista.

Former U.N. Chief (and Nazi) Kurt Waldheim died yesterday. Most of Waldheim's defenses of his membership in the Nazi army sound suspiciously like defenses offered by Scooter Libby about his membership in the Republican Party.

Thankfully the NBA Finals are over. The Spurs brought out the brooms to sweep the hapless Cavs out of the most boring event since the last Olympic synchronized swimming competition. Across the border, a highly-touted young superstar got his initial taste of recognition as the game's top player when Sidney Crosby took home his first Hart Trophy as the league MVP. At least one of the hype monsters is as good as advertised. LeBron has little to worry about, though, because nobody will criticize him for losing a series that they didn't watch.

Crazy news starts off with the FBI logging its one millionth zombie computer. Luckily it isn't just the people using AIM while watching YouTube and updating their MySpace page that are zombies.

In the field of perseverance, a 73 year old Indian man failed his 10th grade examination for the 39th straight time. He was hoping the test would improve his marriage prospects. In America, they would have passed him based solely on his undying commitment. Most schools can't get high schoolers to show up 39 times per year. I'd suggest bypassing secondary school and aim straight for your Juris Doctorate from the University of Phoenix.

Finally, the YouTube candidate Barack Obama is being countered on the popular video sharing sight...by a half-dressed girl on a stripper pole singing about her crush on Obama. This video demonstrates the changing nature of campaign politics, as well as the fact that I will click on almost any link with a half-dressed woman on the other end.

A Pun in Hand is Worth Two in George Bush

You're either with us or against us. Never has this statement rung more true than when the entire party ran away from Bush and his policy as quickly as possible. Maybe the Republican Party is full of terrorists, because it seems they're all against Mr. Bush.

Christopher Hitchens penned a tremendous piece for Slate about the impending crisis for the Kurds in Iraq. On the heels of regional strife comes a new enemy straight out of Turkey. Kurdistan is as unlucky a proposal as it gets. It gets even worse that they (unluckily) have to depend on a U.S. President who couldn't spell Kurdistan if you gave him the first five letters. I say give the Kurds Kansas and make those people move elsewhere. They haven't done much with it in the 145 years its been a state. It's time for a new beginning.

That aforementioned President is proposing a 50+ year plan in Iraq that mirrors the U.S. involvement in Korea. Here's hoping the Democrats have a plan that will get us out of Iraq in 48 years at most (just in time for the Chelsea Clinton Presidential campaign).

Doctors have successfully turned mice skin cells into stem cells, and they believe they could perform this transformation on human cells. This takes the stem cell debate out of the pro-life arena and gets it into a more manageable forum. Hopefully they can work on some islet cells to fix my diabetes and some nerve cells in the brain to fix Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's Disease. While they are brewing up these brain cells, it might be helpful if they give some of them to our mentally deficient President and let him pass them around to the administration. The extra brain growth might help Gonzales and Libby remember some things, to be sure.

One of those pesky things that the administration will have to remember is whether or not they have secretly imprisoned 39 people on a human rights list. I keep hoping that blog journal entries are not the type of activity that gets one sent to secret prison. If anybody deserves secret prison, it's Paris Hilton, who is now out on house arrest instead of being scared straight in an unidentified cell in Afghanistan.

The immigrant legislation plodded on with its tenuous support, built upon a 49-48 vote that cut key measures out of the bill. It is interesting that the vote even might have changed if a couple other Senators showed up to vote. I vote that Congress should stop wasting time with immigration legislation and start tackling some real issues. Hopefully some of the newly recognized immigrants can come up with a better plan for an Iraq exit strategy. I'd vote for them if they could.

Bush and German Chancellor Angela Merkel continued their feisty little tango over global warming at the controversial G-8 conference in Heilgendamm, Germany. The odd couple have vastly different approaches to addressing climate change. Perhaps a ninth voice could talk some reason into W, because Merkel's aggressive German is not soothing the savage beast and his brutish reason.

The daily dose of weird news starts of with renowned architect Frank Gehry designing a playground in New York City. The creator of the Guggenheim Museum in Spain should add a whimsical twist on a childhood favorite. If I go, I'm definitely using some of the newly developed Dutch powdered alcohol before I get on the crazy slide.

Tanks and Time Bombs

Tank Johnson--Rumbling out of a Cook County Jail and into your neighborhood today. After his 8 game suspension, he should have a lot of free time on his hands.

Commanders in Iraq say that the push is falling short of expectations. The soldiers control few parts of the city and are being killed by increasingly sinister methods. The campaign is methodically collapsing like the Soprano crime family.

Everybody is transfixed by the opacity that passes for political discourse in this country--a.k.a. the debates. This round was the Democratic debate, which featured Hillary settling in as the assumed front-runner and Barack Obama delivering an I-told-you-so karate chop to Edwards about Iraq. While you get some feel for the candidates in this arena, I would prefer a steel cage death match format as a forum for determining the best candidates. I'm sure that is the only way that Mike Huckabee or Dennis Kucinich would end up coming out on top, so they might prefer that format as well.

Hillary Clinton is attempting a You Tube coup, having supporters suggest the theme song for her campaign. Some of the more tongue-in-cheek offerings include Foreigner's "Cold as Ice," Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" and Lou Reed's "Vicious." I might also suggest "The End" by the Doors, "Sparkle (Laughing Fall Apart)" by Phish or "She's a Bitch" by Missy Misdemeanor Elliott.

On the other side of the fence, The NY Times detailed how Mitt Romney amassed his ridiculous fortune. You don't really need to read the entire article. Just read over the parts that call him a "robber baron" and accuse him of unethical business practices. You'll get what you need out of that information.

According to a Los Angeles Times article, the concrete wall meant to keep people out of Jerusalem is not working and is having unintended consequences. Perhaps the United States should consider this before they start on the Mexican border fence.

The federal government is aggressively prosecuting crimes in New Orleans. Crime increased greatly after Hurricane Katrina. I'm sure the citizens of New Orleans are happy to see the federal government do...something. Better late than never guys.

Former Liberian President Charles Taylor is boycotting his war crimes trial at the Hague. Perhaps the Cubs should try that approach at press conferences after their embarrassing weekend. Luckily CBS Sportsline put together a fantastic quiz that can help you catch up on all of the mishaps. All I know is that Taylor and Zambrano are both guilty.

The International Herald Tribune discusses the differences in viewpoint between commercial interests and the sharing culture of the internet. If anybody is going to have a handle on the issue, it would have to be the Gibb brothers that were featured in the conference presentation. Anytime a crybaby millionaire musician whines about legal reform, I am drawn to the South Park episode with Lars Ulrich being unable to buy a gold plated shark tank and Brittney Spears being forced to downsize to a Gulfstream III from a Gulfstream IV because of illegal downloading. It sounds even better when experts call modern copyright "obsolete."

Texas, the state that treats capital punishment and human life as a complete joke, has an inmate scheduled for execution who is looking for a good joke to deliver as his final words. As a prisoner on death row, all he'll need to do is look around for some inspiration. Or he could take inspiration from the Polish man who awoke from a coma he had been in since the communist party was in power. At least he missed "Full House" and Vanilla Ice.

You'll Find Germs in the Strangest Places

The NBA Finals are finally set, and Cleveland only needed minimal input from King James to put away the flailing Pistons. As a Bulls fan, pretty much all I have at this point is that Jordan never lost an NBA Finals, so LeBron has only that small obstacle to overcome to crown himself as the next great thing. Of course, he lives in a 35,000 square foot mansion, so I'm sure nothing I can say will really take him down a peg.

Three of the four terrorist plotters are in custody while the fourth suspect is being hunted like a dog in the street. The plotters aimed to destroy a large portion of Queens with jet fuel and explosives. Unfortunately the suspects are not baseball knowledgeable. If they read the box scores, they would see the Mets are doing fine, in first place in the National League East. If they wanted to try something productive, Steinbrenner might let them blow up the Bronx so that he could start over from scratch after his insurance policy injured his groin.

The Washington Post issued a report detailing the increasing sophistication of weaponry being used against U.S. troops in Iraq. Unfortunately for our troops, the executive branch of government will not get any more sophisticated for the next 19 months, assuming it gets any sharper at all.

If the Oval Office does indeed sharpen up in 2008, it won't be because of the Law and Order candidate Fred Thompson. Thompson has come out as a strong defender of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the scapegoat for Plamegate who was convicted of four counts of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements. I'm not sure if Johnny Cochran could have weasled his way through that argument and kept a straight face.

Senate immigration legislation was passed through a patchwork quilt of non-partisan alliances. It is amazing how rapidly the legislative branch can form a network to make decisions about less-than-critical issues. Imagine how well this country would run if they could do that with something like, oh, say Iraq.

Voters in Arizona should have all the fuel they need to derail Senator Jon Kyl. On top of all of the immigration time wasting, Kyl was finally unmasked as the secret Senator who threw a monkey wrench in the works of improved freedom of information legislation. The information I would like to get freely is this: What kind of state would elect both John McCain and this totalitarian nimrod to the Senate at the same time?

Strange news starts off in San Diego, where guests staying at the Ivy Hotel can enjoy a room with a beautiful view...of the group shower and the fireman's pole. Trying to compete with lavish offerings in tourist destinations like Las Vegas, the place is trying to offer guests something a little out of the ordinary. It's too bad that the Yankees play in the American League, because if they played the Padres more often, I'm sure Jeter and A-Rod could make that place jump.

And if the picture of Jeter and Rodriguez slamming groupies in a rented room on bunk beds doesn't disgust you enough, perhaps you could try the Snopes report on the filthy, disgusting germs that lurk on your shopping cart handles. As long as they keep the cart germs out of my rented suite at the Ivy Hotel, I'll be fine carrying all of my groceries by hand for the rest of my hypochondriac life.

I Have Tyson in my Corner

There are many situations in life that lead one to ask, "What would Jesus Do?" It hasn't gotten there for me yet, but with guidance like this photograph that makes up part of Slate's report on Church signs, I can tell what he would do while I'm driving by. Isn't that convenient?

If daily events don't tell you wjwd, they can at least let the immigrants' judiciary explain how they make decisions. According to a study covering more than 140,000 cases, the whole process is a crap shoot. At least the study determined that justice is completely blind to reason.

The Middle East will get an opportunity to enjoy its first tribunal as the United Nations moves in on those who assassinated Lebanon's prime minister. Nobody wants to tell Syria to start betting on international politics, but if they did such a thing, common logic would dictate that they bet against themselves.

Turkey did its best to validate the fact that every topic covered in this blog comes to fruition the next day by moving troops over to the Iraqi border and threatening to invade Iraq in order to eliminate Kurdish rebels raiding over the border. They are aiming to attack the Kurds in a move that would alienate the United States' biggest supporter in Iraq. The only support Bush would be left with after a move like this would be Bill O'Reilly and Mrs. Bush. Hopefully his aggressive worldwide public relations campaign nets some results.

In order to increase support for the new version of the Seven Wonders of the World, China is urging all of its citizens to vote for the Great Wall of China. This confirms my suspicion of why Yao Ming keeps winning NBA All-Star votes by a landslide. Apparently the Chinese vote with a greater passion then their American counterparts.

Finally, if job prospects are keeping you down, you can at least take faith in Mike Tyson's application to work in the corner of Sultan Ibragimov in his WBO heavyweight title bout. If rape, drug convictions and face tattoos can't keep you from getting a job, this really is the greatest country in the world.

Smile When You're Down

No matter how bad the circumstances (being arrested), nor how atrocious the haircut (killer mullet, dude), it's always good to be able to smile in times of adversity. Smile on while the blog dishes out the skinny on a world full of adversity.

Slate leads with deeper analysis of testimony by Monica Goodling. The Slate take is that Goodling handled herself well in testimony in front of a mob of bloodthirsty lawyers and made both parties look like buffoons. It's amazing when an inexperienced young lawyer does a better job in a legal quandary than does Alberto "Convenient Amnesia" Gonzales, the highest ranking attorney in the land.

Despite all the wrangling in Congress, Americans are strongly behind the proposed immigration reform that currently sits before your local Representatives and Senator. Based upon the waning (if non-existent) support for the war in Iraq coupled with continuing government incompetence, expect the legislation to be shot down.

Every college and high school kid on the planet should be excited by the new customizable options that are expected to be allowed for inclusion at the social networking site Facebook. Now, instead of wasting 14 hours a day blathering on about how they hate their economics teacher, discussing how sweet their significant other is and announcing their weekend plans in a static, pre-determined social network, users will be able to blather on about how they hate their economics teacher, discuss how sweet their significant other is and announce their weekend plans in a user-generated social network. How refreshing!

One of the stranger stories of the day hands down is the Village Voice story about eco-bar Habana Outpost. Apparently, according to the pictures and the story, people help save the environment by wearing nipple slips and smoking cigarettes. NYC is trend-setting in the love of fads that are so ironic that few people realize how ridiculous they really are. I'd go at least once.

I'll finish with another piece in Slate that detailed how federal prosecutors estimated the value of an enormous drug bust. This tool may also be valuable in calculating the price of Jason Giambi's speed habit.

Baywatch: Hasselhoff's Bathroom

Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.

Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.

Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.

Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.

Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.

In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.

Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."