I Have Tyson in my Corner

There are many situations in life that lead one to ask, "What would Jesus Do?" It hasn't gotten there for me yet, but with guidance like this photograph that makes up part of Slate's report on Church signs, I can tell what he would do while I'm driving by. Isn't that convenient?

If daily events don't tell you wjwd, they can at least let the immigrants' judiciary explain how they make decisions. According to a study covering more than 140,000 cases, the whole process is a crap shoot. At least the study determined that justice is completely blind to reason.

The Middle East will get an opportunity to enjoy its first tribunal as the United Nations moves in on those who assassinated Lebanon's prime minister. Nobody wants to tell Syria to start betting on international politics, but if they did such a thing, common logic would dictate that they bet against themselves.

Turkey did its best to validate the fact that every topic covered in this blog comes to fruition the next day by moving troops over to the Iraqi border and threatening to invade Iraq in order to eliminate Kurdish rebels raiding over the border. They are aiming to attack the Kurds in a move that would alienate the United States' biggest supporter in Iraq. The only support Bush would be left with after a move like this would be Bill O'Reilly and Mrs. Bush. Hopefully his aggressive worldwide public relations campaign nets some results.

In order to increase support for the new version of the Seven Wonders of the World, China is urging all of its citizens to vote for the Great Wall of China. This confirms my suspicion of why Yao Ming keeps winning NBA All-Star votes by a landslide. Apparently the Chinese vote with a greater passion then their American counterparts.

Finally, if job prospects are keeping you down, you can at least take faith in Mike Tyson's application to work in the corner of Sultan Ibragimov in his WBO heavyweight title bout. If rape, drug convictions and face tattoos can't keep you from getting a job, this really is the greatest country in the world.

Some Cheese Smells Like Sweat

Rasheed Wallace is to technical fouls what Ron Jeremy is to cheap, meaningless sex. The major differentiating factor is that Jeremy gets paid for the sex while Rasheed typically pays for the fouls. This time Wallace paid with a loss, and some poor sap got rewarded with a sweaty jersey to the face. Check the video to see if Wallace is technically foul.

As of this morning, the 219 troops killed this month surpassed the highest total of deaths for two months of combat in Iraq. With Thursday still falling in May, all of the opponents of the war in Iraq may have to eat their hats when they see how the mission has succeeded in exceeding one minimum measurement of success. Unfortunately, the milestone is total troops killed, and nobody is going to wear that medal around town.

Zheng Xiaoyu, former chief of China's food and drug safety organization, was sentenced to death for his role in the contaminated pet food public relations disaster that damaged the reputations of China's food and drug industries. Perhaps if President Bush had sent Paul Wolfowitz out the same way, the world would have more faith in new World Bank Presidential nominee Robert Zoellick.

Turkey, a nation with a clearly defined separation of religion and state, has entered unknown waters. The nation, which is 95 percent Muslim, has elected a Muslim President and Prime Minister. Educated elites and the military are adamantly opposed to the move, and new elections have been called for the Presidency. As a free piece of advice, the United States elected a deeply religious man who shared a common belief with much of the population. Take a look at how well that worked out for us.

Slate works on profiling the Republican's next generation flip-flopper Mitt Romney. If the fact that he's a Mormon isn't enough to get you to vote for somebody else, you can at least compare his wavering opinion of a multitude of issues to Giuliani's sordid pro-life/pro-choice stance. This creates my entry into the 2008 Republican Election Slogan contest (if there is in fact a contest and I didn't fabricate it out of thin air) :

The Republican Party 2008: We can't get any more crazy--can we?

Speaking of crazy, the Joseph McCarthy of international athletics Dick Pound advances his case for drug testing in the sport that needs it most--golf. It isn't certain what the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency expects to find, but if Vegas is taking bets, I'll put money on John Daly being the first to test positive based on his past life as the human beer keg.

Criminally good taste was displayed by a band of armed robbers in South Africa who were robbing grocery stores of all their money...and imported cheeses. The robbers would run through the store and grab expensive food, bathroom supplies and vitamins while robbing the registers at gun point. It is offensive that Rosie O'Donnell has to send out a death squad to do her grocery shopping while she recovers from the Elisabeth Hasselbeck hangover. Shame on her!

Fed Up with the New Hippies

Miss U.S.A., like much of the rest of America, is falling down on the job. Luckily she picked herself up and ignored the boos. Watch the above video and see if she did as well as Joe Torre at shrugging off criticism.

Lawmakers in Washington are aggressively pushing to turn the old big-bad polluter coal into a new eco-friendly fuel of the future. Who knows if robbing Peter to pay Paul will work? Why it's none other than the same parties who promised to get America out of Iraq (a.k.a Democrats) and to win the War on Terror (a.k.a. G.O.P.). If they say it works, then by golly it must work.

George Bush (he of the fighting variety) has decided he can't wait for months worth of U.N. approvals to go to war in Iran. Instead, he's going to try something he should have tried long ago and turn up the pressure on Sudan. Obviously, based upon his performance in Iraq, Bush is going to spend at least two weeks reading about the troubled region before rushing headlong into an invasion.

Speaking of happenstance invasions and semantic blockage, U.S. military commanders in Iraq are drawing back on the effusively praised accomplishments promised by Commander in Chief Bush, settling instead for more modest measures of accomplishment. It will be interesting to hear them explain the "Mission Accomplished" banner. My suggestion for the euphemism that best refers to the situation is, "Not the worst possible fuck up."

If the Bush camp can count one single victory out of the war effort, they can at least say that they defeated Cindy Sheehan. You can't win them all, George, and sometimes when you win, you still lose.

On my never ending quest to separate the wheat from the chaff, the L.A. Times published an editorial criticizing the sincerity of Eddie the Ambulance Chaser (a.k.a. Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards). Any report that cuts on a guy getting paid $55,000 to lecture on poverty in America deserves a mean-spirited attack on character. One down, Giuliani and company to go.

Salon is overloaded with cool topics that typically get overlooked. They have a great dialog with a panel of experts on colony collapse disorder and the honeybee problem. They also gave everybody more reasons to hate Republicans detailing millions of dollars worth of money made from inflated student loan interest rates. The only thing the Republicans have going for themselves at this point is that many people were so crippled by student loan debt that they will be forced to join the military in lean financial times. The G.O.P. is hoping that their voting constituency will be overseas and/or out of their voting district during the coming election, keeping the Republicans in office. This should help explain their unwavering support of the war effort in Iraq.

In media news, photographer Jahangir Razmi was given a Pulitzer Prize he was awarded 27 years earlier for anonymously taking a photograph of Kurds being executed in Iran. This inspires me to keep pulling for Buck O'Neil (and my personal favorite Ron Santo) to get the better-late-than-never vote this year, and I'm disinterested in whatever rules are keeping them out. There is a commissioner and a veterans committee for a reason.

The funny stories burn like fire, led by the wife of Google's founder spearheading an effort to test through DNA evidence provided by a CEO in a spittoon whether Warren Buffet and Jimmy Buffet were actually related. Some people really do have too much money.

The old hippies that live in Haight Ashbury district in San Francisco where they used to do drugs are fed up with the new hippies and their rampant drug use in the old hippies' new investment neighborhood (or something like that). They should try sending them to Indonesian prison, where police shut down a fully operational methamphetamine laboratory. And they say people don't learn to work in prisons!

Psychic (or just damn lucky)

It would be presumptuous of me to say I told you so. You might have heard it elsewhere. But two days ago, The seer-like Nothing Better to Do blog foretold of Lindsay Lohan's out-of-control lifestyle (and connection to cocaine) and the gray-area that is soldiers-for-hire in Iraq. If only I would have had Liddell over Jackson rather than Jackson over Liddell, I would be three out of three for the column (although that comparison was a metaphor rather than a direct comparison). Well, the great philosopher Meat Loaf (or Marvin Lee Aday) once said, "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad," so I'll take it.

In the Wild Wild (Middle) East, the NYTimes leads with the disparity in views on how much bedlam will ensue after American troops withdraw from Iraq. While everybody is disagreeing on how the anarchy will work after American-sponsored democracy collapses, the soldiers are left on the ground to fend for themselves on Memorial Day weekend. Most are hoping not to join the memorial just yet. The Times put together a powerful graphic that details all American casualties in the war on the Memorial Day weekend. A Salon editorial addresses the debate on Iraq War funding. It finds that Democrats are stuck in a quandary because the public equates cutting funding to Iraq troops with abandoning the troops, an idea the author calls, "a complete myth."

Soldiers in Iraq (and the citizens back home) are disinterested with your next election. The public is more interested in an expeditious end to Cowboy George's catastrophic failure. The sooner government gets its head out of its rump, the better chance your party might have of winning, oh, I don't know, maybe a Presidential election in 2008. I'm not saying the two issues are connected. Just think about it for a minute.

YouTube continues to fascinate and annoy. As if the rest of the country hasn't had enough experience wasting time watching videos of squirrels water skiing, the Times also profiles five great ways to waste time that include viewing the posts of the elderly, time-lapse photography of painting, crazy French improvised gymnasts, religious arguments and angry rants about why fat is the new sexy. Great--there goes my afternoon. Those damned agile French!

Finally, the Tennessee Highway Patrol is giving new meaning to the phrase "To serve and protect." In the serving department, trooper James Randy Moss had his mug plastered all over the news wires after porn actress Justis Richert (a.k.a. Barbie Cummings) posted on her blog that the trooper let her out of a drug charge in exchange for a full-service blow job he taped on his cell phone camera. In the protection department, Trooper Terry L. Rainey, a cop with a troubled history, pulled a gun on his father and shot his mother in the foot. The worst part is that he isn't the only department member to be charged with shooting a relative, and other troopers were returned to duty. When driving through Nashville, make sure you are dressed up in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit or that your last name differs from the cop pulling you over, and everything should be just fine.

Shooting and Sometimes Scoring

There is absolutely no substitute for being able to nail a last second shot. Hopefully LeBron James took lessons from Zack Greer, the guy whose shot won it for Duke lacrosse with 3 seconds remaining on the clock. If Wise Lebron isn't paying attention, he will be watching the finals at home much like the Cornell goaltender who today tasted defeat for the first time this season. (And congratulations to a Duke team who will get a shot to bring home their first national championship Monday and almost deserves one after having their name dragged through the mud by nefarious prosecutor Mike Nifong.)

Today, the ultimate source for political commentary Golf magazine addresses the cartoon that is the choice of Presidential candidates. I can't say I disagree. Hopefully I don't have to pick between Rudy and Hill-dog.

Media law dominated the day, starting with the big-ticket freedom of information legislation that was torpedoed by an anonymous senator. There's only 100 of these supposed representatives to sift through...I call on all the fury of the media and the voting public to figure out who and why.

Luckily enough, not every member of Capitol Hill is working to screw media law. In the field of copyright, the 100th representative was signed on in support of the internet equality act. The act opposes impending legislation that will significantly increase royalty rates on Web radio. This move could effectively stifle the development of independent Web radio. The only Web radio that should be stifled is any that involves Don Imus or Opie and Anthony, so contact your representative, express support for the internet equality act and save net radio.

On the privacy front, the European Union and Google are creating friction over Google's data collection practices. It is an interesting and important issue, and I would like both Google and the European Union to know that it was somebody else who used my IP address and lap top to search for those interesting queries involving produce.

Also from CMJ (and in need of more Web radio publicity) is the report on the new Liars album scheduled to be released later this year. They were fantastic at Pitchfork Fest last year, if for no other reason then the band brought a smile to my face in the 100 degree heat when the guitarist thrashed his way into a unitard during a drum break. Nothing makes me smile quite like typing the word "unitard." But they play interesting, intense music that's not to be missed.

Finally, in the category of esotericism, Danish Tour de France champion Bjarne Riis became the first of the gang to admit to doping. This is a marked departure from champions Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong, who deny deny deny everything despite all evidence to the contrary. Let's recognize Riis for being forthcoming in a sport that's frankly on more drugs, prescription and otherwise, than Mike Tyson.

And flight attendant Lisa Robertson, canned for helping actor Ralph Fiennes join the mile high club, has found new employment as the spokeswoman for a Sydney, Australia bordello. Her meteoric rise in employment stock after fucking around in airplanes can only be topped by George W. Bush becoming President after his "service record" in the National Guard.

Smile When You're Down

No matter how bad the circumstances (being arrested), nor how atrocious the haircut (killer mullet, dude), it's always good to be able to smile in times of adversity. Smile on while the blog dishes out the skinny on a world full of adversity.

Slate leads with deeper analysis of testimony by Monica Goodling. The Slate take is that Goodling handled herself well in testimony in front of a mob of bloodthirsty lawyers and made both parties look like buffoons. It's amazing when an inexperienced young lawyer does a better job in a legal quandary than does Alberto "Convenient Amnesia" Gonzales, the highest ranking attorney in the land.

Despite all the wrangling in Congress, Americans are strongly behind the proposed immigration reform that currently sits before your local Representatives and Senator. Based upon the waning (if non-existent) support for the war in Iraq coupled with continuing government incompetence, expect the legislation to be shot down.

Every college and high school kid on the planet should be excited by the new customizable options that are expected to be allowed for inclusion at the social networking site Facebook. Now, instead of wasting 14 hours a day blathering on about how they hate their economics teacher, discussing how sweet their significant other is and announcing their weekend plans in a static, pre-determined social network, users will be able to blather on about how they hate their economics teacher, discuss how sweet their significant other is and announce their weekend plans in a user-generated social network. How refreshing!

One of the stranger stories of the day hands down is the Village Voice story about eco-bar Habana Outpost. Apparently, according to the pictures and the story, people help save the environment by wearing nipple slips and smoking cigarettes. NYC is trend-setting in the love of fads that are so ironic that few people realize how ridiculous they really are. I'd go at least once.

I'll finish with another piece in Slate that detailed how federal prosecutors estimated the value of an enormous drug bust. This tool may also be valuable in calculating the price of Jason Giambi's speed habit.

Walking Your Way to a Better Vagina

Topping the list of protest efforts that can only have unemployed (or extremely dedicated) participants is the March of the People. The June 21st march begins at Union Park in Chicago and will stretch all the way to Washington, D.C. over a long period of time. I recommend that all participants run, not walk through Gary, Ind.

Possibly the only story that could follow a story of a cross country protest march is a story about the steady increase in the number of cosmetic labia (or "designer vagina") surgeries. It is unclear what this says about the vanity level of the United States. The only thing that is clear is that this may not be the last time I read or hear the word vaginoplasty.

I'll end with a little bit of word play. LeBron James is the opposite of clutch. That is all.

Baywatch: Hasselhoff's Bathroom

Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.

Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.

Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.

Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.

Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.

In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.

Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."

Fighting with Hair Bands and Fucking with Soccer Stars

There is great goofy news to post today. If the above video of Dee Snider in tight pink pants fighting a street hood in some undisclosed location doesn't get you motivated, nothing will. (I heard about it on Stern today...it is hilarious!)

In the too funny to fabricate category, German soccer stars Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn won a lawsuit against a German sex shop chain for using their names on a series of vibrators. I find soccer tremendously boring to watch, but if there were a couple of vibrators involved, I might pay attention for a minute.

Finally, the giant windbag Jerry Falwell finally ran out of gas. The founder of the Moral Majority and an icon of the religious right in the United States died today at the age 73. Analysts believe Falwell is going to heaven as his legacy of church-first bible-thumpers that elected George W. Bush President will be left behind here on Earth as Falwell speeds along to the afterlife.

Politicians are Crazy

The results are in. Politicians are officially insane. The Los Angeles Tribune features an editorial that cites a study that found that one out of three Democrats believe George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks. The author calls the party "out of their gourds."

If he thinks that's crazy, he should check out the 30 percent of Republicans who don't believe in evolution. There is a little more hard line science behind evolution than speculation, at any rate.

Cheap Entertainment

There are a few things that I look for when I view my entertainment options. Sex. Gratuitous violence. Ethnic stereotyping. Profanity. Excessive drinking. The Drinky Crow segment on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim by cartoonist Tony Millionaire offers all this and more in a fifteen minute package. Check out the new installment on the Adult Swim network, and prepare to laugh while being offended. There is also a profile of the cartoonist in the New York Times that sheds some insight on his twisted perspective. Good times!

God and Oprah Are a Load of Fish Crap

This is a list, in no particular order, of things I found hilarious or interesting today. Please enjoy my musings. Number one is Wednesday's episode of Dateline that featured an inspired Kirk Cameron (a.k.a. Mike Seaver) arguing in circular fashion that God exists in a circus-like forum. At least you can be sure that Dateline doesn't pull any punches in drafting the intellectual elite (or a television character with a friend named Boner) to advocate a given position at these sideshows.

On a more serious note, it's good to see Taalam Acey advocating for positive change in hip hop. The poet writes to Oprah Winfrey (who may be less knowledgeable about hip hop than Jamie Kennedy, or even less knowledgeable about hip hop then Kirk Cameron is about theology) and makes a case for the positive roots of hip hop that you never see in VH1 Behind the Music Specials. Acey advocated this position years before idiots like Don Imus used rap music to justify his racism. It's time to listen to somebody who knows what they're talking about in terms of hip hop history (and to start ignoring Harpo Winfrey if at all possible).

Finally, if Oprah wants an easy way to pay penance for her crimes against humanity, she could try spending 45 minutes in a vat of fish feces like the four workers who got an opportunity to float in the funk in Massachusetts earlier this week. Unlike Kirk Cameron, I don't know if there is a hell or what it is like, but I bet 45 minutes floating in fish poop is as close as it gets here on Earth outside of sit-com stars taking on advocacy roles.

The Poster Before the Debate

If you want to see the images that will be on the television ads, the Web video and the blackmail requests hurled at Rudy Giuliani when the heat from the Presidential election gets turned up, look no further than the convenient slide show from Slate that shows of Rudy in all his cross dressing glory. I don't know how that is going to sit with his social conservative Republican block (better than his abortion stance, I'm guessing), but I will say that if I had to choose between Giuliani and McCain in drag, I'd vote for sweet lips Giuliani every time.

Crazy News

If nothing else, at least there is time for weird news updates. The L.A. Times used its editorial page to criticize Barack Obama's performance...as a MySpace friend. Apparently he is nothing better than a friend collector. However, Obama's virtual shortcomings are nothing when compared to the Washington lawyer who filed a $65 million law suit against his dry cleaner for losing a pair of pants. I hope these were some seriously significant pants in some sort of historical context, because most of Barney's department store men's wear clocks in about $64.9 million dollars less than this legal bandit is looking for.

Content Analysis Break

So...I am going on temporary hiatus to perform a massive swarm of content analysis for my seminar in international media. Go Bulls, go Cubs, go Mayweather, Jr. I apologize for my unfounded criticism of the last batch of Browns' drafts. Phil Savage made me look like a maroon. But I'll be back as soon as time permits. Daily posts for two months is slightly time consuming.