Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.
Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.
Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.
Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.
Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.
In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.
Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."
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