Tackling the News

You had to be outside of the loop to miss the story of the death of Redskins safety Sean Taylor. The gifted athlete never found himself far from trouble early in his career, but recent reports saw Taylor staying on the straight and narrow. This is a tragic event. I looked for some insight from the medical community, and I discovered that the 7-hour surgery might have been an effort to keep Taylor's leg intact rather than amputating his limb. This would be one more complicated detail in a life beset by bad decisions if it were in fact true. I wish everybody involved nothing but the best...hopefully, Taylor was able to outrun his life problems one last time.

If at first (in the Middle East) you don't succeed, try, try again. Following on the heels of the rolicking success story that is Iraq, President Bush has jumped with both feet into the eternal quandary that is peace in Israel. Never mind that he has ignored peace in Israel for the entire tenure of his Presidency...Bush really needed to try and start an endeavor with less chance of success than democracy in Mesopotamia.

Pakistan is back at the forefront of the battle between U.S. interests and the evangelical distribution of democracy. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is openly critical of the American-backed leader Pervez Musharraf, and his opposition is throwing a monkey wrench into another experiment in democracy that is going horribly awry for American interests. America always supports democracy...as long as democracy always supports American interests. Elsewise, Bush will mail Sharif back to whatever Saudi Arabian hole he crawled out from to deliver his rebuke of our party-line towing General Musharraf.

If you've been trying to sell your house, chances are you don't need a Wall Street analyst to tell you that the economy might be headed into a recession. Definitely don't bet your home against that one.

Those who don't believe that FCC regulation has screwed up the broadcast airwaves will be happy to learn that they are trying to backdoor their way into legislating cable television. Just keep your grubby mitts off of my HBO programming and I'll leave you be (for now).

Finally, in news of the what the f%#@!, a British teacher in the Sudan is being held for allegedly insulting Islam by naming a teddy bear in her classroom after the prophet Mohammed. This egregious act was considered slightly more insulting than the fictional act of a Chicago teacher whose class named a stuffed animal "Bartman the Bear" and equally insulting as a Romanian teacher naming a stuffed animal "Ceausescu the Bear."

New Music and Bad Science

Today is the day that Radiohead is attempting to turn the music industry on its head. The influential band is releasing their new album "In Rainbows" on the Web, allowing users to pay whatever they want for their latest release, and the song "Jigsaw Falling into Place" is making everybody who paid for Britney Spears' "Gimme More" feel stupid for doing so.

A debate has broken out in the White House over the Israeli response to policy regarding North Korea and Syria. Cheney is on one side, Rice is on another, and Rush Limbaugh is still a fuckwit.

The Los Angeles Police Department is under fire for another controversial bout of violence, this time involving journalists and immigration rights protesters. Why can't the LAPD beat somebody who deserves it (like Lindsay Lohan, Stephen Baldwin or Kwame Brown) rather than their arbitrary pattern of nightsticking the wrong people?

New York is up in arms about the noose found on the door of a professor at Columbia University. While NYC would like to believe that they are ahead of everybody in the world, this incident demonstrates that the city is in fact about one year behind Jena, Louisiana. If they are going to lynch somebody at Columbia, perhaps Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would have been a more fitting target for this kind of misguided aggression.

The battle between the Western world and people who practice goofy folkloric religions is coming to a head in Holland, where Ayaan Hirsi Ali, an outspoken critic of gender discrimination in Islam, faces an uncertain future from extremists because of her comments about Dutch Muslims. When you need violence to prove your point, as is often the case with religious fundamentalists, you probably have no point at all. Hopefully a fundamentalist somewhere can focus their aggression against that tramp Ann Coulter and allow Hirsi Ali to demonstrate what life is like for a Muslim in the 21st century.

Finally, in off-beat news, on the heels of the Nobel Prizes being awarded, the Ig Nobel Awards are given to discoveries that make people laugh before they make them think. This year's winners include studies about the side effects of sword swallowing, Viagra as a cure for jet lag in hamsters, the "gay bomb," making vanilla scents from cow dung, and determining if rats can differentiate between languages spoken backward. Once again, science has proven that no avenue of research is too obscure to garner recognition

Slam Dunk News Day

Big man Greg Oden may be done for the season after he had microfracture surgery on his knee. The first pick in the draft should have plenty of time left to work on his dance moves with the women of Portland while the team is traveling and playing basketball games.

What would the day's news be without a pile of Iraq reports? The Dems are trying to attract moderate Republicans to join the Anti-War efforts in order to prevent a filibuster. A compromise passed regarding oil in Iraq has collapsed. Reports about the deaths of the soldiers who authored a piece that was critical of the military efforts in Iraq continue to pour in. A key U.S. ally in Iraq was killed today by a bomb planted outside his house. The best possible option for the country would be to allow Iraq to be governed by a reality television show where viewers in the country could vote on what steps should be taken next in the glorious enterprise that is democracy. That is, if they can get enough electricity to run "Iraqi Idol."

In other parts of the Middle East, tensions are flaring in Syria after Israel's air strike on mysterious targets within Syrian borders. The strikes were thought to be on nuclear targets. Both sides are tense, and whatever happened, at least the efforts didn't involve a bomb that was as big as the Cleveland Browns performance against Pittsburgh on Sunday.

The presidential debate has gone Web 2.0, with Democratic candidates communicating with the voting public in an online forum that goes by the name of the Presidential mashup. Each candidate offers their views on a series of predetermined questions, and then a few questions are generated by the audience. I'm into the health care issue, and nobody with a real chance of winning has a working plan for guaranteeing health care for all that addresses the issues I'm interested in. Until Hillary quits taking money from the insurance lobby, I'm still supporting somebody else.

Finally, vegetarianism is good for the environment. Scientists have determined that meat production is a significant contributor to global warming. Just keep eating your steaks, Earth killer. You should be able to chase your favorite piece of carcass down with a heaping helping of methane gas. Mmm mmm. Tastes like the apocalypse.

Bridging the Gap to Insanity

The U.S. news box leads with the tragic story of the Minneapolis bridge collapse that killed four and injured 79. The NY Times offers a startling slide show that displays the images, including the photograph above. This event is tragic, not only for residents of Minnesota, but also for Twins pitcher Johan Santana, who is probably going to need to find another route that will get him out of the Twin Cities.

The Sunni cabinet bloc got up and left the Iraqi government in a move meant to display their displeasure with their limited role in the fledgling democratic government. It amazes me how the Sunnis in the government can just walk out of Iraq, but American politicians on both sides of the fence can't figure out how to get the troops out of the country.

In another part of the Middle East, Saudi Arabia may renew diplomatic negotiations with Israel, assuming Israel is willing to address the "big four" issues that have always derailed previous efforts. The sticking points always come back to a Palestinian state, reparations for the displaced and the West Bank. I'm not sure which has longer odds in Vegas--peace and harmony in the Middle East or my first-place Cubs winning the World Series.

Castro's newest essays hint that his time as the controversial president of Cuba may be over. This leads to the next logical question, which is, "Will the United States stop this stupid charade of the macho trade embargo against the island nation with brother Raul Castro in charge, or are we going to continue to make the citizens of Cuba suffer because we hate the last president?" Hopefully neither Cubans nor Americans will have to suffer based upon the international popularity of their last president.

The Education Department has been criticized for being willfully ignorant of the predatory larceny that is student loans. Tell me about it. I'm either going to need a winning lotto ticket or a side job as a fetish prostitute on the Web in order to pay my private school debt off.

Perhaps if we wanted to change the way education, medicine and politics work in the United States, Democratic Presidential long shot Mike Gravel's proposal for a fourth branch of government might do the trick. Gravel's new power structure basically involves a citizen legislative entity. The plan sounds great, but I think that Gary Coleman or Corey Feldman has a better chance of getting the Democratic nomination than Gravel does, so it will never happen.

A consumer filed a lawsuit against Apple for non-disclosure on the limited life and ridiculous cost ($86) of the batteries in their new trendy toy iPhone. The ridiculously expensive device has not been selling at quite the rate that was expected, and this lawsuit is just more bad news for this pile of hype. It looks like you're just going to have to go back to taping your iPod and your cell phone to your laptop in order to keep connected to the world.

Media news includes reports on professional bloggers being included in the proposed Federal Shield Law that recently passed muster in the House Judiciary committee. If the law passes, I will not have to identify the anonymous source who told me that Dick Cheney smells like a combination of formaldehyde, pickle loaf and cheap Russian cologne.

In conclusion, Slate combined sports news with news of the weird when they profiled Japanese singles hitter/nut case Ichiro Suzuki, a player who speaks to his dog and tells reporters about it. Ichiro refused to give reporters the name of his dog because the canine did not give the Mariner outfielder permission to give the press its name. When you look at the stories of Bill "Spaceman" Lee, Darren Daulton, David Wells, John Rocker and now Ichiro Suzuki, you begin to realize that the reason some people make so much money playing baseball is because they have to put up with kooks like Lee, Daulton, Wells, Rocker and Dr. Doolittle Suzuki.

He Shoots...he scores!

These are two words that seldom run together in a news story--Iraq and success. But those two words perfectly described the Iraqi soccer team and its 1-0 victory over Saudi Arabia in the Asian Cup championship match. President Bush will probably be remembered as the George Steinbrenner of Iraqi soccer. In order to keep the good news in check, celebrating soccer fans in Baghdad partied away with explosions of gun fire that killed two and wounded 40.

The White House is planning on asking Congress to pay for all sorts of weaponry. They will send the things that go boom to Saudi Arabia to soften the blow of their crushing soccer defeat. The policy also will arm Israel to the teeth as part of the overall platformed plan of mutual assured destruction as diplomacy in the Middle East. Pow--to the moon, Abbas!

The major sticking point in our domestic spying program turned out to be data mining in the continuing Alberto Gonzales headache on Capital Hill. Congress is turning the screws on the embattled Attorney General. Chances are, his defense will be one of the following: A). Gonzales will forget about the data mining. B). He'll claim executive privilege for the judicial branch. C). Dick Cheney will dissolve the legislative branch so that Gonzales doesn't have to answer any more of these pesky questions.

The Taliban in Afghanistan is threatening to kill the 22 South Korean hostages they have captured if specific prisoners the Taliban leaders have named are not released. The Taliban brass has given a deadline of Monday for the swap. Hostage negotiators countered the proposal with an offer of an even exchange of Michael Vick for the hostages in order to minimize casualties in addition to improving the lives of Home Depot and the Falcons' public relations staff.

Scientists has identified a way to generate stem cells that don't harm embryos. This will still be opposed by Bush's shortsighted stem cell policy based upon the idea that Bush hates people with Parkinson's, diabetes and organ failure, but loves aborted baby goop. It should take Bush and his folk scientists two minutes to dismiss the potentially lifesaving developments.

It is getting difficult to argue with a White House that refuses to release recommendations by the Surgeon General because the language wasn't politicized enough. That track record coupled with the current Iraq debacle makes it difficult to imagine anybody, even a group of scientists, that could break the momentum of the Oval Office and its active campaign of disinformation and reactionary policies. Hopefully somebody finds a way around the Bush built blockade.

News Break

It's getting easier and easier to tackle Michael Vick. Perhaps he should attempt to move himself out of the way of all this controversy before the league takes him out for good.

Speaking of easy targets, a federal appeals court has ordered the U.S. to turn all Gitmo information over to those who are challenging their detentions in the controversial facility. It is definitely time for somebody to make contact with the pitch before the bleeding obvious goes down.

The U.S.A. isn't the only country whose decision making is being called into question by the judicial system. Whipping boy Pervez Musharraf had his decision to remove chief justice Iftikhar Chaudhry from office overturned. The move is expected to further erode the embattled President's base of support. Musharraf is learning in much the same way that Tony Blair did how ineffective siding with Generalissimo Bush can be.

Israel has attempted to bolster the credibility of Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas by freeing 250 prisoners. Only in the Middle East and Paul Brown Stadium do more criminals give you a better chance at victory.

Mariane Pearl, widow of journalist Daniel Pearl, has filed a lawsuit against those responsible for the crime of murdering Daniel in Pakistan. She is suing a bank that she alleges is responsible for orchestrating and supporting the senseless act. In all of my future endeavors, my banking centers will not have blood on their hands as it will make me feel guiltier than usual when I'm paying my bills.

Democratic representatives in the legislature have been forced to push back voting reforms until the 2012 election. Based upon the last two Presidential elections coupled with the current batch of Republican candidates, the only chance the Republicans have to win the 2008 election is to push election reform back to 2012.

Google owns just about everything, and if they have their way, they'll be a Google phone coming soon to a theater near you. Google is proposing changes in the legislation regarding cell phone use. The next step is most likely for Google to send somebody over to your house to hang out and monitor you all day, thus effectively giving Google control over everything you do.

The Los Angeles Times profiled a family from New Hampshire who refuses to pay taxes and is challenging the government to come and get the back taxes. I have to admire the Bruce Campbell-like tenacity of some people's convictions.

Finally, NBA referee Tim Donaghy got in a bit of trouble when he was snared in a federal investigation alleging he made calls in games in order to influence the point spread for mobsters who were involved in gambling. I don't know for sure, but I bet that his career is over. Odds are he is a complete screw up. I'd wager his next job is going to be getting fouled by his cell mate.

Bend It Like Bushie

For those of us who don't pay attention to the MLS (most if not all of America), David Beckham has landed. The New Republic does its best to blow through the hype and explain why Beckham is an overrated one trick pony. The opponents of that assertion believe that Beckham is to soccer what Michael Jordan was to baseball...an ambassador that will help sell minor league tickets.

War games strategies propose that a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq would lead to Iraq splintering into three states rather than Iraq becoming a pawn under the control of radical Iran. This runs contrary to White House predictions that exiting Iraq would create absolute anarchy. Prognostications from professionals never stop those in power from doing something crazy like throwing money at militant groups in Iraq to battle other militants. I don't know why I expected the will of the people and common sense to overrule Bush's tenacious disregard for the obvious.

The sand is dropping through the hour glass, and Bush needs to make it look like he accomplished something during his last four years in office. He has chosen the always popular peace in Israel plan as his new way of keeping busy. The betting pool involves picking what happens last--peace in Israel, peace in Iraq, or peace in Columbus, Ohio during the Michigan football game.

Two earthquakes in Japan caused leakage at a nuclear facility near Tokyo. According to cinematic tradition, it is now time for Mothra to battle Godzilla for domination of the island nation.

The L.A. Times profiled a Frenchman who spent years in Iranian jail after accidentally becoming mired in a territorial battle. The article, while critical of the shortcomings of the Iranian legal system, still leads one to believe that the only place preferable to Gitmo is in fact Iranian prison.

The Democrats and fiscal responsibility seem to be mutually exclusive, but campaign research shows that Clinton and Obama are balancing their budgets while the Republicans are raising less money and spending it irresponsibly. Apparently the new Republican party is socially conservative and fiscally retarded.

Russia and Great Britain are at odds, with Russia promising swift retribution to Britain expelling diplomats after officials stated that they would refuse the extradition of a Russian accused of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London. Analysts predict that this will escalate to the point where Lennox Lewis will have to fight Fedor Emelianenko to the death in order to determine which country is right.

Finally, if the idea of a bunch of jerkoffs winning millions playing poker doesn't upset you enough, perhaps the idea of paying to watch these jerkoffs win millions will truly irritate you. The only sporting events more boring than competitive poker will be played at the Home Depot Center with the team trying to bend it like Beckham.

Rolling Around in the Gravel

If you had no idea who Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Gravel was before today, make sure to check out his compelling (and crazy) campaign video. Mike, I vote for you as the only Democratic candidate who can pull off McCain crazy. Congrats!

U.S. Diplomats in Iraq (i.e. the people who drew the shortest possible straw on President Bush's diplomatic assignment day) are complaining that they are vulnerable as construction of their fortified new embassy has hit numerous delays. The embassy (price tag: $592 million) has had many safety mistakes in the construction of the facility. The most notable of these safety mistakes is putting your half billion dollar embassy in Baghdad.

Strikes against radical militants at a mosque in Pakistan continue. More than 700 have surrendered and 19 have been killed in a siege at the Red Mosque. The sect showed very strong evidence of its radical roots when its leader Maulana Abdul Aziz was captured...in drag. Pervez Musharraf had better watch out. He can probably contain radical Islam, but he doesn't want to rile the radical cross-dressing sub-sect of Islam.

On the heels of Sicko and on the approach of another Presidential election, the NYTimes characterizes the different health plans for each of the Presidential hopefuls. The best health care plan I can visualize involves Clinton and Giuliani staying home on election day so my heart doesn't get crushed by candidate banality.

Hamas in confident that it can control Palestinian territory after the organization secured the release of journalist Alan Johnston. Israel later killed 11 in Gaza to remind to Hamas who is really in control.

The Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has recently run into a couple of problems. In the movies, he could beat the tar out of the bad guys or blow them away with automatic weapons or even destroy them with clever one-liners. However, his stage persona is nothing compared to the power of number crunchers who found that Arnie finances his lavish travel arrangements by offering generous tax refunds to those who give him free travel and accommodations. Arnold might be back, but who knows if he can climb out of the controversy.

The most important sports news is that the Russian city of Sochi won the bid for the 2014 Winter Olympics. I was relieved to hear this news, because now I know what country they will be broadcasting the Winter Olympics from when I am busy not watching it.

Candymakers danced the dance of joy when researches connected dark chocolate consumption with lower blood pressure. Just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

News of the Weird covers a week's worth of crazy stories, and few were crazier than the paternity case involving a woman who slept with identical twins on the same day. (If the link doesn't match, the story will be here.) Both men are matches for paternity, and the brother being dragged to court is naturally blaming his twin. Bro, don't do me like that!

The iPhone Martyr

Hamas TV finally found a way to end negotiations with Disney about their Mickey Mouse knockoff Farfour. Farfour met his end, becoming the first martyr on children's television. Israel responded promptly with air strikes that, while not aimed at stopping the Kenny-like resurrection of Martyr Mouse, probably should be.

Police in London located and disabled two car bombs one day before two men in a flaming SUV drove directly into a Glasgow airport terminal. The incident led to heightened security stateside. As long as David Beckham and his enormous contract are in good condition, the situation should be fine.

After a few months on the DL, the Supreme Court has returned to the mainstream. The NYTimes reports that the newly-minted Roberts court with the well-trained legal beagle Samuel Alito has shifted to the right. Many decisions are split 5-4, with Kennedy acting as the tiebreaker. The New Republic details the ideological divide between the conservative jurists. One of the biggest sticking points between the old-guard conservatives and the new blood is that Clarence Thomas has much rougher taste in porn compared to Alito and Roberts.

That same court will be re-deciding the Gitmo issue soon. If it's anything but a 9-0 decision in opposition of the issue of indefinite detentions, impeach every justice in support of Guantanamo and make them serve an indefinite detention there until they see it the right way.

Since the news is all legal today, Germany is considering overturning all decisions of execution for treason during the Nazi era. Since all of those sentenced have already been executed, it is unclear what this action would accomplish. If anybody buys into it, though, it might be a spectacular plan for utilizing sleight of hand tricks in rebuilding America's future post-Bush diplomatic efforts.

Joel Siegel, the ABC film critic who could make or break a film on ABC News, lost his long battle with cancer. It was probably best before he got an opportunity to be exposed to Ocean's 14.

He also was lucky enough to go before witnessing the carnage that is people stupid enough to wait 15 hours in line for an iPhone. That should be doubly good if the iPhone is not as cool as advertised.

Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You

Here is a picture of the brains behind the brawn in the Oval Office. The only obstacle to Cheney being recognized as the Thinker to Bush's Decider is his refusal to admit that he is part of the Executive office. As the field of public relations has proven, if you can't win the argument, change the terminology.

Mother Jones detailed all of the possible steps that Congress could take to cut off Bush and Cheney's wet dream of a war with Iran before (or slightly after) it even begins. It's too bad they can't follow a detailed set of instructions (like the Constitution) to draw up impeachment procedure on the two goons before they hatch another brainstorm. Just do something before they have any more time to scheme their next brainchild.

Israel released 250 Fatah prisoners in a gesture aimed at strengthening the toothless Mahmoud Abbas. Gaza has deteriorated into a state of anarchy. The area is controlled by Hamas militants, and some are hoping that the effort might help secure the release of captured soldier Gilad Shalit and kidnapped journalist Alan Johnston. I keep trying to convince Israel to move the Western Wall to Utah and allow the Palestinians to have the Holy Land. After the next round of immigration reform stateside, Salt Lake City will be a much safer place than Gaza or the West Bank, and I'm sure John McCain could float the whole country at least five free immigration points towards becoming a permanent resident. The other benefit is that the surge in Jewish population would diversify the Mormon-heavy Utah, allowing the state to portray itself as a diverse community that accepts everybody.

Speaking of McCain legislation, the Supreme Court identified a new loophole in the McCain-Feingold Act that will allow corporations to fund political advertisements. I don't even want to think about what that will mean when Mark Cuban and his varied portfolio run for President in 2016. I'm hoping that the Coalition of People who Oppose Abortion and Love Donald Trump (COPOALDT) is piecing together commercials to submarine Cuban's chances.

Those who thought that Rupert Murdoch is only a little evil obviously missed today's article about his business dealings in China. At least China has the good sense to make sure that the Australian tycoon and his media business dealings in the country were miserable failures. China keeps its friends close and its enemies closer. The U.S. is a cheap hooker that will let you do anything for the right price.

Blogo-news is also invading the corporate landscape. Earlier posts in this blog referenced the strange logic that dictated when and where antitrust cases were raised, particularly in the cases of the Sirius/XM merger and the Whole Foods/Wild Oats merger. Whole Foods CEO John Mackey used the methodology employed by masterminds like Kobe Bryant and myself, blogging up a vindictive rant against the Federal Trade Commission that could harm his company's current merger case. Enjoy the ride, baby.

No matter if you are a CEO or a criminal, a King or Don King, a poet, a musician, an actor or just some dude from Quebec, you are probably involved in some way in the vortex of time wasting that is social networking. Those who are as well as those who aren't would be interested in the qualitative look at the differences between users of MySpace (me) and Facebook (me, also). The piece also determined that I am a loser for belonging to multiple electronic social networks.

CBS compiled its list of the 50 Biggest Sports Jerks. It's a good list. As usual, Maurice Clarett came up a little short. Gary Bettman might be a good choice. I believe that Carmelo "Sucker Punch" Anthony might also have earned a 48th or 49th place this year. Whatever demon is responsible for the Cubs and the last century of disappointment easily ranks somewhere in the top 50. It's a cruel beast with the body of a goat and the head of Steve Bartman that chokes on anything remotely tough. And it's a big jerk.

It's So Hard to Look Away

Sometimes it's difficult for a guy to make an honest living, even if that guy is in a lion costume. It gets more challenging when the guy is wanted for rape of an underage girl, both in relation to the guy making a living and in relation to his living being honest. I hope they left you in your lion costume for your cell mates to get their first look at you.

Mayhem in Israeli/Palestinian relations continues to whip itself into a frenzy. Mother Jones harps on the damned-if-they-do/damned-if-they-don't puzzle that Abbas is locked in. You know the situation is a debacle when somebody actually recommends that outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair should head a reconciliation effort.

Much like the rest of Iraq, the government is in such disarray that top officials are stepping down. Current Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki is so unpopular that he is approaching Bush popularity levels. (The Onion parodied a new approach to one of Bush's favorite topics...climate change.)

As expected, Bush vetoed newly-proposed embryonic stem cell legislation. Democrats are expected to battle the resistance of President Bush. It will be nice to see the party stand up to something that Bush supports at least once before he is out of office.

Media news shows the bidding options for the Wall Street Journal dwindling, with G.E. and Pearson pulling their hats out of the ring. That leaves neo-con tycoon Rupert Murdoch as one of the last men standing in the bidding war for the influential and respected conservative daily. Unless Mark Cuban is willing to step in and trade Dirk Nowitzki for the newspaper, look for Dr. Evil Murdoch to make the Journal part of the No-Spin Zone.

The effort to save internet radio got their chance to voice their opinion through a concert in the capital city. Crushing royalties rates would leave those sitting in their office cubicle little choice but the vanilla options offered by your friendly Web-casting Clear Channel conglomerate. I'm keeping my support behind a choice of better flavors.

Sports and scandal continue with a newly-minted book leveling the same old charges of cheating at Lance Armstrong. Lance's credibility in situations involving accusations of cheating is equal to Lindsay Lohan's dedication to rehab. At least Lindsay admits to doing coke. Barry, Sammy, Lance and Floyd are still claiming innocence or ignorance.

Finally, Bengals fans sick of being singled out as the only team in the NFL being arrested can thank Sports Illustrated for putting together a photo gallery of arrests from the yet-to-be-played 2007 season. At least the newest remake of "The Longest Yard" won't consist of only players from Cincinnati.

Somebody's Watching You (But Who's Watching Them?)

Artwork by David Shrigley

Sometimes you see things coming. Other times, events surprise you. As long as events continue as they are, most events in your daily life will continue to defy explanation.

U.S. forces have stepped up the efforts to battle Sunni insurgents in and around Baghdad. Soon afterward, a car bomb exploded in a market and added up massive casualties. It is almost unthinkable that there are any troops, insurgents and citizens left to kill.

For the first time in the history of history, the United States is lifting sanctions against the Palestinian government. President Abbas is expected to use the funds to continue the fight against the rowdy Hamas faction that is actively pursuing resistance efforts in Gaza. Much like in Presidential elections, the world often throws support behind what seems to be the lesser of two evils.

The greater of two evils in the last election has a history of signing bills into law and refusing to enforce the legislated provisions according to a recent study. It seems unthinkable that George W. Bush would say one thing and then do another. His demeanor seems so consistent. Luckily for his self-esteem, he isn't very good at comprehending quantitative statistics.

The 2008 Election Report includes proof that the bellwether states represent nobody. Polls in Iowa and New Hampshire show Mitt the Nit leads the Republican race in both money and popularity. Iowa and New Hampshire are less representative of America than Mitt Romney is of the city of Boston.

Law and order candidate Fred Thompson is running into some campaign obstacles because of his role on the television show "Law & Order." Equal time requirements will quash the 57 appearances Thompson makes daily on 34 networks on the popular series. It is only fair if they remove and burn every copy of Rudy Giuliani on "Saturday Night Live" in order to keep everything balanced.

Slate details Google's answer to Microsoft Outlook. Hopefully they are on the way to designing a Web-based alternative to Vista.

The city that Capone built is gearing up for another high-profile mob trial, complete with a shrouded jury. Hopefully none of them are regular viewers of "The Sopranos" because other than Carlo, not too many of the characters who crossed the mafia got out in one piece.

Slate continues its pursuit of absolute journalistic truth with its positive review of the latest anti-drug commercial. The author of the article enjoyed the commercial greatly because he relishes psychedelic experiences like reasonable anti-drug commercials.

Be Careful Who You Have a Crush On

If you were thinking that Paris Hilton might be a good rebound hook up after she gets out of jail, just read the name on that Valtrex prescription. The best known little secret in L.A. got out via the relaunching of the Paris Exposed Web site and was reposted by the Smoking Gun. Hopefully God can help her with the little breakouts. I'm sure Ron Mexico would still date her if he isn't jailed for dog fighting.

The fighting in Gaza has caused the Palestinian alliance to be dismantled. The Washington Post believes that the events plainly illustrate Bush's failed vision of the Middle East. The scenario is: Abbas fires the Hamas leadership, Hamas takes Gaza, Fatah takes the West bank and everybody involved loses.

The immigration bill, widely supported by Americans, has found a second life. Now if only the bill that was going to pull American troops out of Iraq could find new life, we could say the legislative branch has accomplished something this term.

The space program once again proved that the space cadets in government aren't merely part of the Bush White House. Computer system repairs and other quick fixes have extended the stay of the Atlantis aboard the international space station. The Christian Science Monitor addresses the problems with aging computer equipment aboard the space station. I urge them against downgrading their systems to Vista.

Former U.N. Chief (and Nazi) Kurt Waldheim died yesterday. Most of Waldheim's defenses of his membership in the Nazi army sound suspiciously like defenses offered by Scooter Libby about his membership in the Republican Party.

Thankfully the NBA Finals are over. The Spurs brought out the brooms to sweep the hapless Cavs out of the most boring event since the last Olympic synchronized swimming competition. Across the border, a highly-touted young superstar got his initial taste of recognition as the game's top player when Sidney Crosby took home his first Hart Trophy as the league MVP. At least one of the hype monsters is as good as advertised. LeBron has little to worry about, though, because nobody will criticize him for losing a series that they didn't watch.

Crazy news starts off with the FBI logging its one millionth zombie computer. Luckily it isn't just the people using AIM while watching YouTube and updating their MySpace page that are zombies.

In the field of perseverance, a 73 year old Indian man failed his 10th grade examination for the 39th straight time. He was hoping the test would improve his marriage prospects. In America, they would have passed him based solely on his undying commitment. Most schools can't get high schoolers to show up 39 times per year. I'd suggest bypassing secondary school and aim straight for your Juris Doctorate from the University of Phoenix.

Finally, the YouTube candidate Barack Obama is being countered on the popular video sharing sight...by a half-dressed girl on a stripper pole singing about her crush on Obama. This video demonstrates the changing nature of campaign politics, as well as the fact that I will click on almost any link with a half-dressed woman on the other end.

There are Different Degrees of Losing

It's going to be hard for me to say, but I have a better chance at becoming a bikini model than Cleveland has at becoming NBA champion. Game 4 should provide a great soundtrack to bore you to sleep at night.

If you're looking for something to get you excited, perhaps the bombing of one of Iraq's holiest sites will make you more than a little uneasy. The first attack years ago has been cited as the root of sectarian violence in the region. In technical terms, blowing the towers at the shrine up fucked everything up worse than it is fucked up already.

The two sides of the Palestinian coin Hamas and Fatah are engaged in a bitter civil war/power struggle, and they have decided to turn up the heat. Nothing is out of bounds, with military forces attacking leadership houses. I'm not sure if you were ever really safe walking around the streets of Gaza, but I'm guessing today is a little less safe than it was yesterday.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been under fire since he silenced a critical television station. Chavez, the clown prince of the Southern hemisphere, is starting to flex his inner Machiavelli. If only the U.S. government could revoke Fox News' license for failing to serve the public interest, I'd vote Chavez for President in 2008.

News of the weird leads off with an L.A. Times profiling students that live a college life while not actually being enrolled in school. Let me be the first to tell you that if I didn't have to be in school, I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging around the library pretending to study philosophy.

Texas officials are reporting on widespread use amongst high school kids of a heroin-based cocktail drug known as cheese heroin. The $2 smack is mixed with the drug found in Tylenol PM and other sleeping medicines. I never needed help falling asleep in high school, and I have never done a drug named after a dairy product. But then again I have never lived in Texas.

Stalker engine Facebook has drummed up federal charges for an online predator. Allowing people like this into the Facebook community is akin to allowing a Catholic priest to be in charge of a youth summer camp. Shame on Facebook and the predator (and while I'm at it, shame on the Catholic Church).

Russia, the country that poisons critics in other nations, poisoned Kremlin protesters...with the smell of feces. Most protesters were driven away by the foul aroma of fertilizer that was conveniently strewn around the protest area. You know what they say. If it looks like shit and smells like shit...

Just Marking My Territory

It doesn't get any more democratic than the above photograph. If the American public could urinate on all Hillary for President signs and not get arrested, we'd all have a new weekend hobby.

In International news, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert ruled out (for the time being) a broad offensive against settlers in Gaza after a rocket attack. With Bahrain preparing for an American attack on Iran plus the civil war that's coming to fruition in Iraq, the Middle East is shaping up to become a potential theater of carnage. Hopefully O'Reilly gets a front row seat to cover the action.

In the U.S. is not the only country getting its citizens killed trying to exploit petroleum products after Ethiopian rebels slaughtered 70 people (nine Chinese workers) at a Chinese oil facility. China needs to try the U.S. approach and find a pristine native wilderness to exploit to prevent these problems in the future.

The L.A. Times reports on a split within Iraq's Baath party. As with most other scenarios in Iraq, officials are unsure what to make of the development.

The governor of Virginia is suggesting an executive order that would demand that gun vendors examine the mental health of a person before selling them a gun. The NRA-sponsored Republican explanation for why the loonies should have guns should make for a great sound bite.

The Feds started the trial of the ghetto Unabomber in Chicago. His sketch is less intimidating. He had a job and no crazy manifesto. His target choice was even weak, as he was trying to control stock prices by mailing ready-to-explode explosives that didn't go off. Basically, his career as a domestic terrorist was a complete bomb.

The Dow closed above 13,000 for the first time in history. I'm still a penniless graduate student nit.

Journalist Alan Johnson, the only full-time correspondent in Gaza, has been presumed kidnapped for the last 45 days. In sports news, the Bears offered to trade Lance Briggs as a fair rate exchange.

Scientists announced the discovery of what could be an Earth-like planet orbiting around a dwarf star. It is rumored to be the planet of origin for Sanjaya Malakar.

Finally, the Catholic Church did away with limbo, changing theology to reflect that unbaptized babies go to heaven and not limbo. A few people will, however, remain in limbo.

Baseball limbo: Bobby Valentine, manager, Chiba Lotte Marines

Acting limbo: Corey Feldman and Pauly Shore, alley off of of Hollywood and Vine

Music limbo: The Proclaimers, a different alley in Edinburgh

also: Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson, California state mental health facility

Basketball limbo: Dennis Rodman, in Vegas trying to convince the Maloof brothers he can still play

Media limbo: Don Imus, on his ranch surrounded by caucasians