The iPhone Martyr

Hamas TV finally found a way to end negotiations with Disney about their Mickey Mouse knockoff Farfour. Farfour met his end, becoming the first martyr on children's television. Israel responded promptly with air strikes that, while not aimed at stopping the Kenny-like resurrection of Martyr Mouse, probably should be.

Police in London located and disabled two car bombs one day before two men in a flaming SUV drove directly into a Glasgow airport terminal. The incident led to heightened security stateside. As long as David Beckham and his enormous contract are in good condition, the situation should be fine.

After a few months on the DL, the Supreme Court has returned to the mainstream. The NYTimes reports that the newly-minted Roberts court with the well-trained legal beagle Samuel Alito has shifted to the right. Many decisions are split 5-4, with Kennedy acting as the tiebreaker. The New Republic details the ideological divide between the conservative jurists. One of the biggest sticking points between the old-guard conservatives and the new blood is that Clarence Thomas has much rougher taste in porn compared to Alito and Roberts.

That same court will be re-deciding the Gitmo issue soon. If it's anything but a 9-0 decision in opposition of the issue of indefinite detentions, impeach every justice in support of Guantanamo and make them serve an indefinite detention there until they see it the right way.

Since the news is all legal today, Germany is considering overturning all decisions of execution for treason during the Nazi era. Since all of those sentenced have already been executed, it is unclear what this action would accomplish. If anybody buys into it, though, it might be a spectacular plan for utilizing sleight of hand tricks in rebuilding America's future post-Bush diplomatic efforts.

Joel Siegel, the ABC film critic who could make or break a film on ABC News, lost his long battle with cancer. It was probably best before he got an opportunity to be exposed to Ocean's 14.

He also was lucky enough to go before witnessing the carnage that is people stupid enough to wait 15 hours in line for an iPhone. That should be doubly good if the iPhone is not as cool as advertised.

You Can't Teach Height

photo illustration by Jennifer Pottheiser, Getty Images

After literally minutes of deliberation, the Portland Jailblazers used the first pick of the 2007 NBA Draft to select Greg Oden. over number two choice Kevin Durant. The Trailblazers hope that the looks-50-but-actually-19-year-old center Oden will turn around a franchise that has been short on success since Clyde the Glide was losing NBA titles to Da Bulls while moving better than he did in his ill-fated appearance on "Dancing with the Stars." The Bulls took Joakim Noah in a move that should give us an entire roster of Final Four players, an entire roster of guys who jump high, run fast and can't score down low alongside an entire roster of guys with as many title rings as Mark Price and Karl Malone.

Dick Cheney and his insidious nature continue to top the news box. A few days ago, a Washington Post blog link addressed by this blog spoke of one of Cheney's nature gaffes. The House Natural Resources Committee would like to ask Count Cheney-la about his role in the killing of 70,000 salmon a few years ago. It's obvious he did it; it's ashame (and even more obvious) that he'll get away with it.

Democrats slugged it out in the debate, coming to a consensus that none of them liked the Supreme Court decision to limit the factor of race from decisions of school integration. Rather than crying over spilt milk, the party might have attempted to win the last election, a move that would have allowed them the power to nominate justices that would not have made this decision.

Speaking of long-simmering issues, the Senate crunked the second attempt to address immigration legisltion. At this rate, by the time Mexico reannexes the Southwest these laws ought to pass.

The Cleveland Scene covers a few online independent music sales portals that are creating real competition for conglomerate cogs like iTunes and the major(ly dissapointing) record labels. I'll throw my support behind anything that keeps big business out of MY music collection. This would be the same big business threatening to block Prince from selling his music in record stores because his Purpleness is giving his new album away free in a Sunday newspaper as a promotion.

The bald eagle was removed from the endangered species list for the first time in 40 years recently. Ted Nugent and his arsenal should have one bagged by Sunday.

MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski delivered a colorful protest about leading the broadcast with news about Paris Hilton. Joe Scarborough was in support of the importance of Paris news, but Ms. Brzezinski would have none of it. The only kind of Paris news I want is video that shows multiple clips of the hotel heiress doing drugs and making racist statements. Hilton is like the girl next door if you grew up in a brothel.

And with the ninth pick in the NBA Draft...

The Bulls got Joakim Noah. I don't know whether to gloat or plan future trades.

On Channel 10

The lovely folks from WBNS 10 studios in Columbus, Ohio were in interviewing yours truly today. Apparently I might appear as an interview subject in an upcoming news segment. Keep an eye out of me as time permits (and Tivo me if you have one, because poor graduate students like myself do not). Hopefully the camera does not add 10 pounds, because I need the camera to lose me about 20. If you message me or call me, I can spill the beans on when and where I'm on.

Edwards Should Get a Doctor to Look at His Coulter Rash

Ann Coulter, the controversial neo-con sexpot, drew fire from critics after she told reporters that she wished that John Edwards would be killed by terrorists. She was later demolished by Mrs. Edwards on the Chris Matthews show. Ann Coulter is a terrible human being. I also can't stand Eddie the Ambulance Chaser. Hopefully somebody can get John Edwards and Ann Coulter into the Thunderdome and let them battle each other to the death.

Democrats in the Senate finally accomplished something, subpoenaing the White House on the warrantless wiretapping program. Finally somebody is going to make sure Brainy Cheney isn't going to run roughshod all over the Constitution. Even the conservative rag The New Republic identified Cheney as the second most reckless VP of all time behind Aaron Burr, demonstrating the erosion of Cheney's base of support.

The new plan in Iraq (coming on the tail of a dozen or so other plans) is to focus efforts on Sunni militias in Iraq. There is a hope that this latest plan won't be as catastrophic of a failure as the last 12 mistakes hatched by the military in Iraq.

Tony Blair was so unpopular in the United Kingdom that he decided to take over as envoy to the Middle East. Tony Blair's agent will most likely get Bucky Dent a job managing the Boston Red Sox in the next few years.

On the campaign front, Giuliani has chosen his running mate for President, and that running mate is fear of terrorism. Just don't ask him about any other issues because he will stammer and change his opinion repeatedly in a Romney-esque fashion.

Hillary Clinton had her weakness outed in a Slate column. They didn't need a political science Ph.D. to tell me that people don't like her.

In new media news, Web radio stations returned from their one day blackout protest of royalty rates. I'm not a business man, but I'm guessing ceding control of the Web airwaves to big business is not the best approach to winning the battle. Keep the battle in court, please.

Hippie Colleges and Sixties Plagiarists

Led Zeppelin...rock legends or dubious frauds? According to a report on Classic Rock Central, every song but one on the first Led Zeppelin album is plagiarized. Recently the songs' original composers have begun to receive credit and compensation for the songs. It looks like somebody else is taking a mud shark to the legend of Led Zeppelin.

The CIA has let a few skeletons out of the closet by releasing classified documents that detail domestic espionage and assassination plots hatched by the intelligence agency. While some material paints the organization as rather callous, recent torture allegations and secret prison sites operated by the current CIA will probably make most of this ethical quandary look like a hiccup.

Gordon Brown is taking over the Prime Minister's post for the exiting Prime Minister/newly-appointed Middle East Envoy Tony Blair. The only other seat with people waiting in anticipation for a more suitable replacement than the British PM post is the CBS Evening News Desk.

Even the GOP is jumping off the Iraq train wreck. Republicans in Congress are calling for a detailed plan for troop withdrawl. Many of the critics come from Bush's support base. How does the line go about the rats and the sinking ship?

Dick Cheney makes Barry Bonds seem likable. His latest identified gaffe involves a report of Cheney being the architect in charge of an Oregon irrigation effort in 2002 that later became the largest fish kill in the region's history. It doesn't matter what Cheney is involved in; be it Halliburton or agricultural enterprise, it probably stinks.

The Christian Science Monitor details a health care mandate in Massachusetts that could serve as a model for a national medical care system. As a full-time student with a part-time insurance plan, national health care sounds better than the present system. All I know is I'm throwing a few bucks in to see "Sicko" by Michael Moore as soon as it is released.

Retired football players are fighting for a retirement package that covers the medical fallout after their playing career. The only profession with a worse retirement plan than the old NFL is professional wrestling. The worst part is that the active participants like Chris Benoit and Ricky Williams have access to all the medical supplements they need while older participants are left to twist in the wind.

Finally, Ohio's state hippie college Antioch shut its doors for what could be the last time. Bob Fitrakis detailed the important contributions made by this liberal, liberal arts institution. With new polls identifying the liberal slant of youth, it is evident that young minds (as well as those who manufacture patchouli and nag champa) need Antioch and places like Yellow Springs to maintain their existence.

Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You

Here is a picture of the brains behind the brawn in the Oval Office. The only obstacle to Cheney being recognized as the Thinker to Bush's Decider is his refusal to admit that he is part of the Executive office. As the field of public relations has proven, if you can't win the argument, change the terminology.

Mother Jones detailed all of the possible steps that Congress could take to cut off Bush and Cheney's wet dream of a war with Iran before (or slightly after) it even begins. It's too bad they can't follow a detailed set of instructions (like the Constitution) to draw up impeachment procedure on the two goons before they hatch another brainstorm. Just do something before they have any more time to scheme their next brainchild.

Israel released 250 Fatah prisoners in a gesture aimed at strengthening the toothless Mahmoud Abbas. Gaza has deteriorated into a state of anarchy. The area is controlled by Hamas militants, and some are hoping that the effort might help secure the release of captured soldier Gilad Shalit and kidnapped journalist Alan Johnston. I keep trying to convince Israel to move the Western Wall to Utah and allow the Palestinians to have the Holy Land. After the next round of immigration reform stateside, Salt Lake City will be a much safer place than Gaza or the West Bank, and I'm sure John McCain could float the whole country at least five free immigration points towards becoming a permanent resident. The other benefit is that the surge in Jewish population would diversify the Mormon-heavy Utah, allowing the state to portray itself as a diverse community that accepts everybody.

Speaking of McCain legislation, the Supreme Court identified a new loophole in the McCain-Feingold Act that will allow corporations to fund political advertisements. I don't even want to think about what that will mean when Mark Cuban and his varied portfolio run for President in 2016. I'm hoping that the Coalition of People who Oppose Abortion and Love Donald Trump (COPOALDT) is piecing together commercials to submarine Cuban's chances.

Those who thought that Rupert Murdoch is only a little evil obviously missed today's article about his business dealings in China. At least China has the good sense to make sure that the Australian tycoon and his media business dealings in the country were miserable failures. China keeps its friends close and its enemies closer. The U.S. is a cheap hooker that will let you do anything for the right price.

Blogo-news is also invading the corporate landscape. Earlier posts in this blog referenced the strange logic that dictated when and where antitrust cases were raised, particularly in the cases of the Sirius/XM merger and the Whole Foods/Wild Oats merger. Whole Foods CEO John Mackey used the methodology employed by masterminds like Kobe Bryant and myself, blogging up a vindictive rant against the Federal Trade Commission that could harm his company's current merger case. Enjoy the ride, baby.

No matter if you are a CEO or a criminal, a King or Don King, a poet, a musician, an actor or just some dude from Quebec, you are probably involved in some way in the vortex of time wasting that is social networking. Those who are as well as those who aren't would be interested in the qualitative look at the differences between users of MySpace (me) and Facebook (me, also). The piece also determined that I am a loser for belonging to multiple electronic social networks.

CBS compiled its list of the 50 Biggest Sports Jerks. It's a good list. As usual, Maurice Clarett came up a little short. Gary Bettman might be a good choice. I believe that Carmelo "Sucker Punch" Anthony might also have earned a 48th or 49th place this year. Whatever demon is responsible for the Cubs and the last century of disappointment easily ranks somewhere in the top 50. It's a cruel beast with the body of a goat and the head of Steve Bartman that chokes on anything remotely tough. And it's a big jerk.

Wrestling with Logic

Edmonton residents will be somber this evening after the murder-suicide involving wrestling legend Chris Benoit and his family. This will put a kink in my Chris Benoit Day plans next year. It's too bad nobody got a chance to execute a finishing move like a crippler crossface before Benoit got his finishing move accomplished.

The Washington Post details Dick Cheney's role in establishing the policy of torture at Gitmo. It's good to see somebody in the White House planning something. It's too bad these plans come at the expense of the Geneva Convention and judicial oversight.

After seeing the international success of Cheney's torture policies, other Bush aides are scrambling to get on the same page as Congress on future Iraq policy. The plan is to get the Executive and Legislative branches to perform a duet of the Decemberists song, "We both go down together."

The L.A. Times goes over another kind of school discipline...keeping kids out of the district for living in Mexico. This is another in a long line of issues that have sprung up based upon the don't ask don't tell policy of immigrant labor in the United States. The only way these kids will be able to stay in the country will be if Tim Floyd offers them a scholarship to play basketball at USC in the next decade or so.

Taiwan is losing support in the latest round of United Nations Idol. Everybody is throwing their support behind frontrunner candidate China and leaving Taiwan to fight for itself. Dissent might be Made in Taiwan, but lingering resentment is definitely Made in China.

Salon identifies Mitt Romney's campaign optical illusion that aims to make him look less like a corporate cog and more of a man of the people. However he frames it, he still looks like I don't know what he stands for or supports.

Rupert Murdoch's evil takeover bid for the Wall Street Journal comes closer to fruition each day. Murdoch must agree to editorial protections before his bid will be considered. The Times takes care to detail how Congress kowtowed and changed laws to protect Murdoch's television holdings rather than forcing him to sell off his unfair market share. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Crazy news stories also made for some interesting reading. The dentist who filed a claim for filling 52 cavities in one mouth at one time either treated the most toxic mouth or pulled the stupidest fraud of all time (probably the latter). If he goes to court, at least the guy who filed a lawsuit for $54 million over his lost pants lost, showing that justice is blind but not completely retarded. They probably followed the logic from my first post on the subject.

Just Because It's Sunday Doesn't Mean News Commentary Takes a Break

There is no rest for the weary on Sunday. The show must go on. You know the drill--here comes the satire.

President Bush is looking for analysis from a variety of sources on the troop surge and its effectiveness in Iraq. Instead of allowing only General Petraeus to explain the state of the union in his forthcoming report, Bush will look to many different sources to determine the success of the latest military endeavor.

It would have been fantastic if Bush attempted listening to many different sources on whether the country should have started this entire debacle in Iraq. I'm sure Steven King could write Bush up a rosy and slightly demented outlook on the effectiveness of the surge if he needs a pair of fresh eyes. His portrait might be less dire than that of the participants on the ground.

The man known as Chemical Ali, the first cousin of Saddam Hussein who used poisonous gas in attacks against the Kurds, was sentenced to death in Iraq along with two other men. The only Hussein loyalist yet to be tracked down at this juncture appears to be Weapons-of-Mass-Destruction Wallace, Saddam's former Minister of Paranoia who has yet to be photographed or even have his existence proven.

The warrantless wiretaps program has drawn one more critic; this time, it's a judge who authorized the wiretaps in the past. The only people left who approve of what the White House is doing at this point are employed by or have the last name Bush. Just check the numbers. More people approve of sandpaper enemas at this point.

Right before I got the opportunity to give Iran the Golden Sunshine for Human Rights award, Ahmadinejad had to go out and parade around his political and social dissenters in the streets. I'm particularly disturbed by the picture of the dude in the soccer gear sucking on a butt-washing vessel (since removed or moved). Since most of the competition for my award was disqualified based on past performance, I'm giving the award to Alec Baldwin based upon the famous phone call to his daughter.

Five U.N. Peacekeeping soldiers in Lebanon were killed by a remote bomb earlier today. These explosive devices, as well as land mines, everybody would agree, are terrible things. The only people who should be worrying about carefully planted destruction and remotely detonated character assassinations are probably forming exploratory committees right now.

I applaud the study that confirms what eldest children (myself included) have known all along--first children are smarter than other siblings. I just feel sorry for Jeb and Ashlee
after hearing George and Jessica speak.

Cubs win! Cubs win!

Cubs 2, Sox 1. (And the Cubs sweep the series on Sunday. ) There were plenty of Cubs highlights and White Sox lowlights to go around.

Comfest Vegetarian

Comfest is Columbus' opportunity to show the world that the city isn't as quaint and old-world as one might think. The event provides a soapbox for the anti-corporate hippie mass to rail against the status quo. While the reality of Columbus as a cultured metropolitan oasis has been greatly exaggerated, this year's local band showcase with 32 ounce beers does feature some decent veggie options for your outdoor dining pleasure.

Benevolence Cafe offers vegetarian wraps on sprouted pita bread. Some of the options include falafel, hummus and other Mediterranean favorites. There isn't a dead animal on the entire menu. The restaurant features some great vegetarian and vegan selections and prides itself on commitment to the environment.

Flavors of India offers a plethora of vegetarian options. There is a vegetarian platter as well as a number of single vegetarian options like palak paneer (or panir), which is cubed Indian cottage cheese served in spiced spinach. They had run out of samosas before I got there, which is good because if they were vegetarian, I would have eaten 20 of them. I recommend washing the Indian food down with an enormous plastic glass of Columbus Pale Ale, a beer with enough hops flavor to compliment the seasoning of whatever veggie delight suits your fancy.

It's So Hard to Look Away

Sometimes it's difficult for a guy to make an honest living, even if that guy is in a lion costume. It gets more challenging when the guy is wanted for rape of an underage girl, both in relation to the guy making a living and in relation to his living being honest. I hope they left you in your lion costume for your cell mates to get their first look at you.

Mayhem in Israeli/Palestinian relations continues to whip itself into a frenzy. Mother Jones harps on the damned-if-they-do/damned-if-they-don't puzzle that Abbas is locked in. You know the situation is a debacle when somebody actually recommends that outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair should head a reconciliation effort.

Much like the rest of Iraq, the government is in such disarray that top officials are stepping down. Current Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki is so unpopular that he is approaching Bush popularity levels. (The Onion parodied a new approach to one of Bush's favorite topics...climate change.)

As expected, Bush vetoed newly-proposed embryonic stem cell legislation. Democrats are expected to battle the resistance of President Bush. It will be nice to see the party stand up to something that Bush supports at least once before he is out of office.

Media news shows the bidding options for the Wall Street Journal dwindling, with G.E. and Pearson pulling their hats out of the ring. That leaves neo-con tycoon Rupert Murdoch as one of the last men standing in the bidding war for the influential and respected conservative daily. Unless Mark Cuban is willing to step in and trade Dirk Nowitzki for the newspaper, look for Dr. Evil Murdoch to make the Journal part of the No-Spin Zone.

The effort to save internet radio got their chance to voice their opinion through a concert in the capital city. Crushing royalties rates would leave those sitting in their office cubicle little choice but the vanilla options offered by your friendly Web-casting Clear Channel conglomerate. I'm keeping my support behind a choice of better flavors.

Sports and scandal continue with a newly-minted book leveling the same old charges of cheating at Lance Armstrong. Lance's credibility in situations involving accusations of cheating is equal to Lindsay Lohan's dedication to rehab. At least Lindsay admits to doing coke. Barry, Sammy, Lance and Floyd are still claiming innocence or ignorance.

Finally, Bengals fans sick of being singled out as the only team in the NFL being arrested can thank Sports Illustrated for putting together a photo gallery of arrests from the yet-to-be-played 2007 season. At least the newest remake of "The Longest Yard" won't consist of only players from Cincinnati.

Check Out the New Playlist

Ween--King Billy

Panda Bear--Daily Routines

Retribution Gospel Choir--Hatchet

White Stripes--Stop Breaking Down (Live)

Dragonette--I Get Around

Tenor Saw--Ring the Alarm

The Clutters--9,999 Ways to Hate Us

The Pixies--Here Comes Your Man

He's Got a Puncher's Chance

The Cubs have shipped Michael Barrett off to San Diego for scrap metal. As displayed in the above photograph, thanks for the memories, Michael.

The proposed Mexican border fence is expected to alter the routines of many people, including Americans who aren't traveling to Mexico. It's amazing that our government can get motivated to build a fence to control immigration while earlier being incapable of putting any real effort into building the levee in New Orleans.

British officials have approached fighting terrorism by employing Muslims who are fluent in Arabic to work in anti-terrorism. This is a stark contrast to the United States, where President Bush expects all terrorists to speak in English so he doesn't have to use tax money to educate his intelligence forces. The city of Cincinnati and its football team could benefit from this approach by hiring former criminally-minded Bengal Corey Dillon to be the new sheriff in town.

Michael Bloomberg is promising not to be the only New York douche bag in the 2008 election. He cut ties with the Republican party, paving a path for the reclusive billionaire to run as an independent candidate. If Clinton, Giuliani and Bloomberg offer a trifecta of New Yorkers to vote for President, I'm voting Libertarian or Communist, whichever party Bloomberg isnt affiliated with.

Hillary Clinton announced her campaign theme song in a You Tube spot that parodied the recent "Sopranos" finale. The final episode of the mafia drama left a lot of the series uncertain and open to interpretation. It's too bad that we know Hillary's campaign prospects weren't whacked at the end of the You Tube episode.

Archeologists have identified the Americas' first gun shot victims. The Spanish conquistadors hunted down a band that resisted their occupation in Peru in 1536. Police have been contacted, and it is not clear what Pacman Jones' alibi was during the aftermath of the siege of Lima.

Microsoft caved in and agreed to allow changes to the way the much lamented Vista operates. As soon as they agree to allow changes that include building a new, not-Vista operating system and replacing the old Vista piece of junk for me, I agree to stop complaining about Vista's shortcomings.

Somebody's Watching You (But Who's Watching Them?)

Artwork by David Shrigley

Sometimes you see things coming. Other times, events surprise you. As long as events continue as they are, most events in your daily life will continue to defy explanation.

U.S. forces have stepped up the efforts to battle Sunni insurgents in and around Baghdad. Soon afterward, a car bomb exploded in a market and added up massive casualties. It is almost unthinkable that there are any troops, insurgents and citizens left to kill.

For the first time in the history of history, the United States is lifting sanctions against the Palestinian government. President Abbas is expected to use the funds to continue the fight against the rowdy Hamas faction that is actively pursuing resistance efforts in Gaza. Much like in Presidential elections, the world often throws support behind what seems to be the lesser of two evils.

The greater of two evils in the last election has a history of signing bills into law and refusing to enforce the legislated provisions according to a recent study. It seems unthinkable that George W. Bush would say one thing and then do another. His demeanor seems so consistent. Luckily for his self-esteem, he isn't very good at comprehending quantitative statistics.

The 2008 Election Report includes proof that the bellwether states represent nobody. Polls in Iowa and New Hampshire show Mitt the Nit leads the Republican race in both money and popularity. Iowa and New Hampshire are less representative of America than Mitt Romney is of the city of Boston.

Law and order candidate Fred Thompson is running into some campaign obstacles because of his role on the television show "Law & Order." Equal time requirements will quash the 57 appearances Thompson makes daily on 34 networks on the popular series. It is only fair if they remove and burn every copy of Rudy Giuliani on "Saturday Night Live" in order to keep everything balanced.

Slate details Google's answer to Microsoft Outlook. Hopefully they are on the way to designing a Web-based alternative to Vista.

The city that Capone built is gearing up for another high-profile mob trial, complete with a shrouded jury. Hopefully none of them are regular viewers of "The Sopranos" because other than Carlo, not too many of the characters who crossed the mafia got out in one piece.

Slate continues its pursuit of absolute journalistic truth with its positive review of the latest anti-drug commercial. The author of the article enjoyed the commercial greatly because he relishes psychedelic experiences like reasonable anti-drug commercials.

Every Little Thing You Do Is Tragic

Photo by Christopher Berkey/NYTimes

The stench has dissipated from Manchester, Tenn. now that the yearly musical cornucopia of Bonnaroo has wrapped up. This festival offers acts from across the musical spectrum as opposed to consisting of Trey, Dave and their lackey offspring. Some acts are great, while relying on Tool and the Police as the headliners is questionable at best and pathetically reminiscent memories of way-back-when at worst. Blogs and news outlets were all over this as these links show. Rather than express my distaste for mega-festivals and their destruction of local and regional music scenes, I'll let the Web links speak about something else.


Apparently Alberto Gonzales and the White House (along with their primitive understanding of the inner workings of the legal system) are screwing themselves in court with their controversial firing of eight judges. At least somebody is paying the price for what seemed like political suicide six weeks ago.


More bad news is coming from Walter Reed. The mental care in the military is as bad as the other care, suffering from the shortsightedness of both the White House and the Legislature. By 2008, the veterans of the conflict alongside everybody else are going to need mental care after listening to eight years of Bush rhetoric coupled with two years of Democratic excuses.

Separatist rebels in Ethiopia are criticizing the tactics of the much larger Army. It sounds much like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays fans complain about how the Yankees keep winning.

The United States has taken pollution to the next level. Now, instead of merely producing pollution domestically and spreading it around the world the old fashioned way, smelters are producing voluminous quantities of lead to poison the local population in Peru. The United States has proven that if we can't offend you one way, we'll find something to irritate you eventually.

Kobe Bryant has announced on his blog that he wants to be traded. He announced this after he announced that he was staying after he announced he wanted to be traded after he announced he was staying in basketball after he announced was going to become a vegan chef in Malibu after he announced he was going to become a documentary film maker after he announced he wanted to be traded.

A 111-year-old Japanese man credits his longevity to steering clear of alcohol. Apparently the world's oldest man never got an opportunity to check the research literature.

Elvis Presley, a man who lived the opposite of a teetotaler's life, had his gun and prescription medicines auctioned off in Beverly Hills. Apparently the definition of what qualifies as memorabilia is All Shook Up. Elvis did enough drugs to wind up in a Jailhouse Rock. I would have a Suspicious Mind to look into the validity of Elvis' prescription meds.

Be Careful Who You Have a Crush On

If you were thinking that Paris Hilton might be a good rebound hook up after she gets out of jail, just read the name on that Valtrex prescription. The best known little secret in L.A. got out via the relaunching of the Paris Exposed Web site and was reposted by the Smoking Gun. Hopefully God can help her with the little breakouts. I'm sure Ron Mexico would still date her if he isn't jailed for dog fighting.

The fighting in Gaza has caused the Palestinian alliance to be dismantled. The Washington Post believes that the events plainly illustrate Bush's failed vision of the Middle East. The scenario is: Abbas fires the Hamas leadership, Hamas takes Gaza, Fatah takes the West bank and everybody involved loses.

The immigration bill, widely supported by Americans, has found a second life. Now if only the bill that was going to pull American troops out of Iraq could find new life, we could say the legislative branch has accomplished something this term.

The space program once again proved that the space cadets in government aren't merely part of the Bush White House. Computer system repairs and other quick fixes have extended the stay of the Atlantis aboard the international space station. The Christian Science Monitor addresses the problems with aging computer equipment aboard the space station. I urge them against downgrading their systems to Vista.

Former U.N. Chief (and Nazi) Kurt Waldheim died yesterday. Most of Waldheim's defenses of his membership in the Nazi army sound suspiciously like defenses offered by Scooter Libby about his membership in the Republican Party.

Thankfully the NBA Finals are over. The Spurs brought out the brooms to sweep the hapless Cavs out of the most boring event since the last Olympic synchronized swimming competition. Across the border, a highly-touted young superstar got his initial taste of recognition as the game's top player when Sidney Crosby took home his first Hart Trophy as the league MVP. At least one of the hype monsters is as good as advertised. LeBron has little to worry about, though, because nobody will criticize him for losing a series that they didn't watch.

Crazy news starts off with the FBI logging its one millionth zombie computer. Luckily it isn't just the people using AIM while watching YouTube and updating their MySpace page that are zombies.

In the field of perseverance, a 73 year old Indian man failed his 10th grade examination for the 39th straight time. He was hoping the test would improve his marriage prospects. In America, they would have passed him based solely on his undying commitment. Most schools can't get high schoolers to show up 39 times per year. I'd suggest bypassing secondary school and aim straight for your Juris Doctorate from the University of Phoenix.

Finally, the YouTube candidate Barack Obama is being countered on the popular video sharing sight...by a half-dressed girl on a stripper pole singing about her crush on Obama. This video demonstrates the changing nature of campaign politics, as well as the fact that I will click on almost any link with a half-dressed woman on the other end.

So Much Music, So Little Time

James Blood Ulmer--Katrina
Final Fantasy with Cadence Weapon--Paris 1919
Bill Cosby--Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
Bowerbirds--Olive Hearts
Mirah and Spectratone International--Community
The Leaning Towers--Rich Enough to Ignore It
Neil Young --On the Beach
Lenlow--Bjorn Slippy
The Mountain Goats--The Boys Are Back In Town

Playlist part 2

Animal Collective--Peacebone Liars--Houseclouds
Amy Winehouse--Rehab (live)
The Silent League--Breathe
Porter Wagoner--Committed to Parkview
The Mountain Goats--Ethiopians
Big John Patton--The Turnaround
Howlin' Wolf--Mr. Highway Man
Matthew Shipp Duo with Roscoe Mitchell--The Physics of Angels

There are Different Degrees of Losing

It's going to be hard for me to say, but I have a better chance at becoming a bikini model than Cleveland has at becoming NBA champion. Game 4 should provide a great soundtrack to bore you to sleep at night.

If you're looking for something to get you excited, perhaps the bombing of one of Iraq's holiest sites will make you more than a little uneasy. The first attack years ago has been cited as the root of sectarian violence in the region. In technical terms, blowing the towers at the shrine up fucked everything up worse than it is fucked up already.

The two sides of the Palestinian coin Hamas and Fatah are engaged in a bitter civil war/power struggle, and they have decided to turn up the heat. Nothing is out of bounds, with military forces attacking leadership houses. I'm not sure if you were ever really safe walking around the streets of Gaza, but I'm guessing today is a little less safe than it was yesterday.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been under fire since he silenced a critical television station. Chavez, the clown prince of the Southern hemisphere, is starting to flex his inner Machiavelli. If only the U.S. government could revoke Fox News' license for failing to serve the public interest, I'd vote Chavez for President in 2008.

News of the weird leads off with an L.A. Times profiling students that live a college life while not actually being enrolled in school. Let me be the first to tell you that if I didn't have to be in school, I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging around the library pretending to study philosophy.

Texas officials are reporting on widespread use amongst high school kids of a heroin-based cocktail drug known as cheese heroin. The $2 smack is mixed with the drug found in Tylenol PM and other sleeping medicines. I never needed help falling asleep in high school, and I have never done a drug named after a dairy product. But then again I have never lived in Texas.

Stalker engine Facebook has drummed up federal charges for an online predator. Allowing people like this into the Facebook community is akin to allowing a Catholic priest to be in charge of a youth summer camp. Shame on Facebook and the predator (and while I'm at it, shame on the Catholic Church).

Russia, the country that poisons critics in other nations, poisoned Kremlin protesters...with the smell of feces. Most protesters were driven away by the foul aroma of fertilizer that was conveniently strewn around the protest area. You know what they say. If it looks like shit and smells like shit...

In the Playlist

The Bees--Love in the Harbor
Goose Creek Symphony--I'll Fly Away
Black Keys--The Moan (Live)
Powerhouse Sound--Acid Scratch (for Lee Perry)
Two Gallants--Las Cruces Jail
DJ Kentaro feat. Spank Rock--Free
James Blood Ulmer--Sad Days, Lonely Nights
Bjork--Declare Independence
Wilco--The Thanks I Get
Regina Spektor--Summer in the City

Cubs Win, the Rest of America Loses

Power hitting (and face punching) pitcher Carlos Zambrano did his best for the Cubs, pitching eight innings and hitting a long ball. I still can't comprehend what bizarre alternate reality has the Cubs in second in their division.

The Richmond appeals court poked a bunch of holes in Bush's scare tactic approach to justice by declaring the indefinite detention of a citizen from Qatar to be un-Constitutional. I'm sure they had to see that coming eventually. If nothing else, the Onion take on the bumbling attorney general coupled with an ethically challenged hand crafted department of conservative jurists probably explains why it took so long.

In continuing Iraq coverage, Mother Jones offers a fantastic, interactive lie-by-lie coverage of the Iraq war. Reports continue to indicate that those lies are going to keep us permanently entrenched in the country. Experts predict the troop backlash will worsen with time. The Cincinnati Reds bullpen is more popular in Hamilton county than U.S. troops are in Baghdad, and both show evidence of getting worse.

The retention and recruitment rates of the military are down, and the reasons why keep multiplying. A troop training domestically is lost and unaccounted for. Hopefully he just got the right idea and left.

Law professor Geoffrey Stone came down hard on the military's exclusionary don't-ask-don't-tell policy. He compares the policy with the separate but equal legislation of the past. Also coming down badly for those who working for the military PR machine was the Air Force admitting to the long-rumored gay bomb. I hope at some point the culture of the military can catch up to the culture of Birmingham, Alabama at the minimum in the near future.

The war crimes machine at the Hague keeps churning, with Serb Milan Martic starting his trial for his role in the troubled region's ethnic cleansing. That court definitely gets to see the creme de la creme of international scum mongers. Charles Taylor, Slobodan Milosevic and the Pan Am bombing suspects all hung out in the Hague. I wonder how long it will be before they get Bush and Cheney in front of the bench.

The bizarre story of the last week has been the young man serving a 10 year sentence for oral sex. The sentence was thrown out, but the kid is still in jail based on a legal pissing contest. If you want to see a guy who is spiritually opposed to going down on his lady, Genarlow Wilson is probably that guy.

It's in and it's official...Vince McMahon is not dead, it was a stunt. Wrestling fans fall for the stupidest things.

Woke Up This Morning, Got Myself a Gun

I don't want to say that the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic, but the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic. No show spends more time teasing you and not accomplishing anything. Basically everything is still in play, and David Chase just delivered a stupid mindfuck of an ending. Just watch the next to last episode, then fast forward to the last 20 minutes of the finale and you'll be on the best possible journey.

If there was any question as to why Vista is eventually going to rule the world, look no further than the Times article about the Justice Department's unwavering support of Microsoft.
Justice may be blind, but it isn't immune to stylishly executed bribery to be sure.

The lack of response in Sudan from the U.S. could be connected to the U.S. reliance on the controversial country's services. Ahh, foreign diplomacy...the only place where you can have your cake and eat it too.

Continuing the cheap puns department, the Army is robbing Peter to pay Paul by arming the Iraqi Sunnis to battle the insurgency. The military sees a long-term occupation of Iraq, so at this point they'll try anything. Perhaps they should check into how popular past arms deals have been.

Joe Lieberman is busy trying to keep his place on the mantle as the Democratic loose cannon. The Holy Trinity of Wackos (George Bush, John McCain and Lieberman) are advocating strikes against Iran based upon the country's support of insurgents attacking American troops. I now know that that the entire cast of Kerry, Edwards and Lieberman in the last Presidential election was a bunch of dolts from top to bottom. I'm voting Kucinich this year.

Giuliani is apparently not loved by Black New York. It seems difficult to believe that a disingenuous man who supported everything and stood for nothing, repeatedly marrying and divorcing cousins all the while dressed like Marilyn Monroe would have trouble winning over voters of any race, ethnicity or gender.

The battle of the sexes got tilted in the favor of the ladies this weekend when filly Rags to Riches beat all the boys at the Belmont, the third jewel in horse racing's Triple Crown. Typically you have to staple me to a chair to get me to watch horses run around a track. The race was a photo finish, and the girl came in first. Trainer Todd Pletcher can check out the new-fangled anti-counterfeiting measures on his celebratory bottle of champagne.

Hopefully LeBron James, the Cavs or some viewers show up to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals, because these performances make curling seem intense.

If You've Come to Fight, Put Up Your Dukes

It is official. Buy a Mac. Use Linux. Vista is a nightmare. Nothing works the way it used to. Media performs terribly (especially audio). In typical Microsoft fashion, Vista railroads users into the Microsoft network of applications like Internet Explorer rather than the inherently superior Firefox. Keep XP for as long as you can. Vista is the one island you do not want to get stuck on.

After Rumsfeld's hand-picked man at the helm of the military Peter Pace stepped down, there is a new job opening in the career field called lost causes. Admiral Mike Mullen will be chosen as his successor based upon the understanding that Pace would have been roasted alive by Congress if he had to undergo another confirmation hearing. Good luck with that job Mike. It probably isn't any more of a lose-lose situation than being selected coach of the Cleveland Browns.

Dr. James Holsinger is another Bush nominee that should face careful scrutiny in his hearings to become surgeon general of the United States. Holsinger is controversial because of a paper he wrote 16 years ago for the United Methodist Church that called homosexuality "unnatural." Actually, James, asking what Jesus would do before making scientific decisions is unnatural. The physician might be a heart doctor without brains, but you know it takes a lot of balls to get on the national stage backing that argument, Dr. Holsinger-Falwell.

The United States' War on Drugs is nothing compared the conflict in Mexico. The U.S. fights a war of words and policy while in Mexico, they kill anybody and everybody that gets in the way of feeding the American appetite for blow. Within a week, 46 people were killed in a territory war across Mexico. The killings included grenade attacks and decapitations that are taking place between rival factions. Doesn't anybody in Mexico watch the Sopranos? Bad things happen when crime families split up.

Back in the States, Bush is fighting a war of a different sort. Fresh on the tail of the battle to prevent satellite radio from overtaking the generous corporate conglomerates that make up a big part of campaign finance, Bush is fighting a new war...against organic produce. Anti-trust investigations have begun, and they are aimed at preventing the merger of Whole Foods and Wild Oats. When giant media companies control entire markets, nobody blinks. But they'll be damned if one company can control all of the sales of organic clover honey in Denver. It's proof in America you can only be as competitive as your lawyers will allow you to be.

Finally, with all the reports on my fights with Vista, Mexican drug cartels fighting each other and the surgeon general fighting reason, I would be remiss if I failed to mention John Daly's wife fighting him...with a steak knife. Apparently the couple took their contentious relationship with all of its drugged out history to a restaurant, and after dinner the future ex-Mrs. Daly took her frustrations out on the portly golfer's face. John Daly is to crime and golf what John McClane is to unlucky situations involving terrorists...the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Maybe Next Year

For the umpteenth year in a row, PETA has overlooked me in the category of the year's sexiest vegetarian. Without a question, the overall winner should be Natalie Portman, who is one of the only animal products for which I have an indescribable craving.

But come on. Bob Barker! I am way sexier than Bob Barker. Sex would have made his long run on the Price is Right unthinkable. I might not be Jared Leto or Joaquin Phoenix sexy. But I've got Barker no problem.

And while Corey Feldman might technically still qualify as a celebrity, he has been in as many films this year as I have. Granted, I don't have his bloated bank account, but I would have his number in a speed date forum, no problem.

Nobody knows who Dennis Kucinich is, even at his own party's debates. While I'm sure he makes a mean tofu pakora, I guarantee that I get the girl.

As a tribute to the award, Weird Al Yankovic should have to parody songs by fellow nominees Kenny Loggins, Moby, the GZA, Mos Def, Prince and Little Richard. I will radiate veggie sexy from the sidelines.

PETA needs to do a better job with the award that does more to further vegetarianism than the Tony Award does. I'm not sure what effects Broadway has on lifestyle choice. What I have determined is that I need to get more famous or the award needs more sexy.

Screw it. I'm voting for Leonard Nimoy and Pam Anderson. I'm just going to mail it in this year. Next year, I'm going to make an effort to convert Jessica Alba to my dark vegetarian way of life. Hopefully our relationship will get me on next year's list.

A Pun in Hand is Worth Two in George Bush

You're either with us or against us. Never has this statement rung more true than when the entire party ran away from Bush and his policy as quickly as possible. Maybe the Republican Party is full of terrorists, because it seems they're all against Mr. Bush.

Christopher Hitchens penned a tremendous piece for Slate about the impending crisis for the Kurds in Iraq. On the heels of regional strife comes a new enemy straight out of Turkey. Kurdistan is as unlucky a proposal as it gets. It gets even worse that they (unluckily) have to depend on a U.S. President who couldn't spell Kurdistan if you gave him the first five letters. I say give the Kurds Kansas and make those people move elsewhere. They haven't done much with it in the 145 years its been a state. It's time for a new beginning.

That aforementioned President is proposing a 50+ year plan in Iraq that mirrors the U.S. involvement in Korea. Here's hoping the Democrats have a plan that will get us out of Iraq in 48 years at most (just in time for the Chelsea Clinton Presidential campaign).

Doctors have successfully turned mice skin cells into stem cells, and they believe they could perform this transformation on human cells. This takes the stem cell debate out of the pro-life arena and gets it into a more manageable forum. Hopefully they can work on some islet cells to fix my diabetes and some nerve cells in the brain to fix Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's Disease. While they are brewing up these brain cells, it might be helpful if they give some of them to our mentally deficient President and let him pass them around to the administration. The extra brain growth might help Gonzales and Libby remember some things, to be sure.

One of those pesky things that the administration will have to remember is whether or not they have secretly imprisoned 39 people on a human rights list. I keep hoping that blog journal entries are not the type of activity that gets one sent to secret prison. If anybody deserves secret prison, it's Paris Hilton, who is now out on house arrest instead of being scared straight in an unidentified cell in Afghanistan.

The immigrant legislation plodded on with its tenuous support, built upon a 49-48 vote that cut key measures out of the bill. It is interesting that the vote even might have changed if a couple other Senators showed up to vote. I vote that Congress should stop wasting time with immigration legislation and start tackling some real issues. Hopefully some of the newly recognized immigrants can come up with a better plan for an Iraq exit strategy. I'd vote for them if they could.

Bush and German Chancellor Angela Merkel continued their feisty little tango over global warming at the controversial G-8 conference in Heilgendamm, Germany. The odd couple have vastly different approaches to addressing climate change. Perhaps a ninth voice could talk some reason into W, because Merkel's aggressive German is not soothing the savage beast and his brutish reason.

The daily dose of weird news starts of with renowned architect Frank Gehry designing a playground in New York City. The creator of the Guggenheim Museum in Spain should add a whimsical twist on a childhood favorite. If I go, I'm definitely using some of the newly developed Dutch powdered alcohol before I get on the crazy slide.