Bridging the Gap to Insanity

The U.S. news box leads with the tragic story of the Minneapolis bridge collapse that killed four and injured 79. The NY Times offers a startling slide show that displays the images, including the photograph above. This event is tragic, not only for residents of Minnesota, but also for Twins pitcher Johan Santana, who is probably going to need to find another route that will get him out of the Twin Cities.

The Sunni cabinet bloc got up and left the Iraqi government in a move meant to display their displeasure with their limited role in the fledgling democratic government. It amazes me how the Sunnis in the government can just walk out of Iraq, but American politicians on both sides of the fence can't figure out how to get the troops out of the country.

In another part of the Middle East, Saudi Arabia may renew diplomatic negotiations with Israel, assuming Israel is willing to address the "big four" issues that have always derailed previous efforts. The sticking points always come back to a Palestinian state, reparations for the displaced and the West Bank. I'm not sure which has longer odds in Vegas--peace and harmony in the Middle East or my first-place Cubs winning the World Series.

Castro's newest essays hint that his time as the controversial president of Cuba may be over. This leads to the next logical question, which is, "Will the United States stop this stupid charade of the macho trade embargo against the island nation with brother Raul Castro in charge, or are we going to continue to make the citizens of Cuba suffer because we hate the last president?" Hopefully neither Cubans nor Americans will have to suffer based upon the international popularity of their last president.

The Education Department has been criticized for being willfully ignorant of the predatory larceny that is student loans. Tell me about it. I'm either going to need a winning lotto ticket or a side job as a fetish prostitute on the Web in order to pay my private school debt off.

Perhaps if we wanted to change the way education, medicine and politics work in the United States, Democratic Presidential long shot Mike Gravel's proposal for a fourth branch of government might do the trick. Gravel's new power structure basically involves a citizen legislative entity. The plan sounds great, but I think that Gary Coleman or Corey Feldman has a better chance of getting the Democratic nomination than Gravel does, so it will never happen.

A consumer filed a lawsuit against Apple for non-disclosure on the limited life and ridiculous cost ($86) of the batteries in their new trendy toy iPhone. The ridiculously expensive device has not been selling at quite the rate that was expected, and this lawsuit is just more bad news for this pile of hype. It looks like you're just going to have to go back to taping your iPod and your cell phone to your laptop in order to keep connected to the world.

Media news includes reports on professional bloggers being included in the proposed Federal Shield Law that recently passed muster in the House Judiciary committee. If the law passes, I will not have to identify the anonymous source who told me that Dick Cheney smells like a combination of formaldehyde, pickle loaf and cheap Russian cologne.

In conclusion, Slate combined sports news with news of the weird when they profiled Japanese singles hitter/nut case Ichiro Suzuki, a player who speaks to his dog and tells reporters about it. Ichiro refused to give reporters the name of his dog because the canine did not give the Mariner outfielder permission to give the press its name. When you look at the stories of Bill "Spaceman" Lee, Darren Daulton, David Wells, John Rocker and now Ichiro Suzuki, you begin to realize that the reason some people make so much money playing baseball is because they have to put up with kooks like Lee, Daulton, Wells, Rocker and Dr. Doolittle Suzuki.

He Shoots...he scores!

These are two words that seldom run together in a news story--Iraq and success. But those two words perfectly described the Iraqi soccer team and its 1-0 victory over Saudi Arabia in the Asian Cup championship match. President Bush will probably be remembered as the George Steinbrenner of Iraqi soccer. In order to keep the good news in check, celebrating soccer fans in Baghdad partied away with explosions of gun fire that killed two and wounded 40.

The White House is planning on asking Congress to pay for all sorts of weaponry. They will send the things that go boom to Saudi Arabia to soften the blow of their crushing soccer defeat. The policy also will arm Israel to the teeth as part of the overall platformed plan of mutual assured destruction as diplomacy in the Middle East. Pow--to the moon, Abbas!

The major sticking point in our domestic spying program turned out to be data mining in the continuing Alberto Gonzales headache on Capital Hill. Congress is turning the screws on the embattled Attorney General. Chances are, his defense will be one of the following: A). Gonzales will forget about the data mining. B). He'll claim executive privilege for the judicial branch. C). Dick Cheney will dissolve the legislative branch so that Gonzales doesn't have to answer any more of these pesky questions.

The Taliban in Afghanistan is threatening to kill the 22 South Korean hostages they have captured if specific prisoners the Taliban leaders have named are not released. The Taliban brass has given a deadline of Monday for the swap. Hostage negotiators countered the proposal with an offer of an even exchange of Michael Vick for the hostages in order to minimize casualties in addition to improving the lives of Home Depot and the Falcons' public relations staff.

Scientists has identified a way to generate stem cells that don't harm embryos. This will still be opposed by Bush's shortsighted stem cell policy based upon the idea that Bush hates people with Parkinson's, diabetes and organ failure, but loves aborted baby goop. It should take Bush and his folk scientists two minutes to dismiss the potentially lifesaving developments.

It is getting difficult to argue with a White House that refuses to release recommendations by the Surgeon General because the language wasn't politicized enough. That track record coupled with the current Iraq debacle makes it difficult to imagine anybody, even a group of scientists, that could break the momentum of the Oval Office and its active campaign of disinformation and reactionary policies. Hopefully somebody finds a way around the Bush built blockade.

Beam Me Up

When the story of James Doohan (the Scotty of "Beam me up, Scotty") having his ashes scattered in space isn't the top story of the day, you know it's a crazy, crazy news day.

Saudi officials announced the arrest of 172 militants that might be connected to al Qaeda. After repeated allegations from the U.S. that they were funding terrorism, it's good to see Saudi Arabia having their cake and eating it too.

The New York Times leads with the White House scaling back their grandiose claims of success in Iraq. They are going from calling the situation in Iraq a potential catastrophic failure to clearly identifying Iraq as a catastrophic failure.

A few miles south, the Washington Post leads with reports of Condoleezza Rice deputy Randall Tobias resigning after it was discovered he was linked to an escort service. Tobias claimed he received massages at Deborah Jeane Palfrey's escort service without getting the so-called happy endings. Pete Rose also claimed he only bet on his team to win, so we'll see how that works for Tobias in the court of public opinion.

The Chicago Sun Times runs a story about the Marines dropping a straight A high school student from its ranks after he delivered an improvised Virginia-Tech-shooter-esque project to his teacher. If the Corps won't take him, coach Marvin Lewis might suit the kid up in Bengal stripes after displaying a verbal upside like that.

Finally, after a swarm of government agencies came down on former Mets employee Kirk Radomski for distributing anabolic steroids to a host of MLB players, general manager Omar Minaya might be upset that the Feds got him before he could juice a couple of homers out of third baseman David Wright.

Kick Them While They're Down

It's an exciting time to be alive. I'm excited. You're excited. George Flintstone is excited. Let's do this thing.

Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung Hui continues to dominate the news. He sent footage to NBC news between his first killing spree and his second. School will be canceled this week. President Bush offered his condolences and suggested that he will carefully reconsider which Korea he will declare war against next. Slate also proposed limiting gun show sales in a move that couldn't hurt but is no better than vaguely related to the Va-Tech incident.

Smooth pimp (and president of the World Bank) Paul Wolfowitz is fighting charges of favorable hiring and cronyism for hiring his girlfriend after an expensive World Bank-funded campaign to get her the position was racked up. Chaos follows the guy who was a key architect of the Iraq war. Apparently, Paul, there are consequences for selling your soul to Satan.

Speaking of Iraq, Sunni Saudi Arabia has agreed to write off 80 percent of the longstanding Iraqi debt. Step number two is to try and get them to pay off America's war debt and then we can put this whole mess behind us.

A U.N. report shows evidence of illegal Sudanese weapons transfers and airplane markings. Hopefully this leads to a military peacekeeping force and an end to the violence.

The Supreme Court voted 5-4 to uphold a law banning (depending on whom you ask) late-term or partial birth abortions. It doesn't make that big of a difference as Gary Sheffield and Andy Rooney are completely born and this procedure would be termed murder if it was used on those clowns.

Jurors are claiming bias against potential defendant and Patriot Act poster boy Jose Padilla. Seriously, how unfair could it be when jury bias is compared to suspending habeas corpus?

Ladies, Prince (and future King) William is single and looking to mingle after jilting his lady love. Remember, he comes from a family with a brother who dressed up as Hitler for Halloween, so high class is a must.

Today is also a tremendous day for crazy stories. Authorities in California continue to uncover giant industrial hydroponic marijuana mills in California. The busts have an estimated street value of $50 million. Harvard University researchers want people to keep on smoking after preliminary research showed that THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, might aid in shrinking tumors. Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are actively fighting a disease they don't have this very minute through what can only be called preventative medicine.

After being blessed by having the bomb dropped within its city limits, Nagasaki was hit by another bomb when a Yakuza gangster assassinated the mayor in an argument stemming from an old car problem. And they say America has a gun problem. A pinch Southwest of Nagasaki, Hong Kong diners are being charged for leftovers (some as much as 64 cents per ounce) in a move aimed at limiting waste. The other move restaurant management could consider is requiring diners to tip Rosie O'Donnell and Artie Lang who will just sit around and devour the leftovers.

Finally, Nike ran an ad in the New York Times based around the Don Imus controversy. As these updates entail, it's great to kick a guy when he's down.