Tackling the News

You had to be outside of the loop to miss the story of the death of Redskins safety Sean Taylor. The gifted athlete never found himself far from trouble early in his career, but recent reports saw Taylor staying on the straight and narrow. This is a tragic event. I looked for some insight from the medical community, and I discovered that the 7-hour surgery might have been an effort to keep Taylor's leg intact rather than amputating his limb. This would be one more complicated detail in a life beset by bad decisions if it were in fact true. I wish everybody involved nothing but the best...hopefully, Taylor was able to outrun his life problems one last time.

If at first (in the Middle East) you don't succeed, try, try again. Following on the heels of the rolicking success story that is Iraq, President Bush has jumped with both feet into the eternal quandary that is peace in Israel. Never mind that he has ignored peace in Israel for the entire tenure of his Presidency...Bush really needed to try and start an endeavor with less chance of success than democracy in Mesopotamia.

Pakistan is back at the forefront of the battle between U.S. interests and the evangelical distribution of democracy. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is openly critical of the American-backed leader Pervez Musharraf, and his opposition is throwing a monkey wrench into another experiment in democracy that is going horribly awry for American interests. America always supports democracy...as long as democracy always supports American interests. Elsewise, Bush will mail Sharif back to whatever Saudi Arabian hole he crawled out from to deliver his rebuke of our party-line towing General Musharraf.

If you've been trying to sell your house, chances are you don't need a Wall Street analyst to tell you that the economy might be headed into a recession. Definitely don't bet your home against that one.

Those who don't believe that FCC regulation has screwed up the broadcast airwaves will be happy to learn that they are trying to backdoor their way into legislating cable television. Just keep your grubby mitts off of my HBO programming and I'll leave you be (for now).

Finally, in news of the what the f%#@!, a British teacher in the Sudan is being held for allegedly insulting Islam by naming a teddy bear in her classroom after the prophet Mohammed. This egregious act was considered slightly more insulting than the fictional act of a Chicago teacher whose class named a stuffed animal "Bartman the Bear" and equally insulting as a Romanian teacher naming a stuffed animal "Ceausescu the Bear."

Welcome to the Jungle

He's ba-ack! Mere daysd before he would rejoin his team on the field after being suspended for the first half of the season, wide receiver Chris Henry rejoined his team where they are usually mired--in the middle of a controversy. Henry was involved in a dispute with a parking lot employee over $5. Who dey think gonna convict them Bengals?

Speaking of controversies, America's favorite goon squad Blackwater is back in the news, this time involving reports of Blackwater thugs shooting three guards protecting members of Iraqi media in a balcony, killing two of them and wounding another unprovoked. Blackwater is rumored to be coming up with a new slogan: Shoot first, answer questions later.

Pat Robertson is endorsing America's mayor Rudy Giuliani for President. Robertson, the controversial television personality, is urging Christians to support Rudy despite his past record of supporting things that run contrary to most of what Christians are supposed to believe in. Apparently the 700 Club will get behind any candidate that supports the doctrine of Christ--marital infidelity, abortion and screwing public servants. Rudy for President!

What is lacks in controversy, the latest stock dip certainly makes up for in creating an image of certain economic doom. Analysts predict that the stock drop may be an indication of a forthcoming economic problem. Who could have imagined a forthcoming problem under leadership like this?

Finally, in another type of controversy that just won't seem to go away, China is brewing up a new batch of toy quandary. This latest batch comes in the form of date rape drugs contaminating children's toys. The real issue here is how did China come up with this idea before the Catholic Church came up with the idea of GHB on children's toys?

Wrestling the News

Traffic accidents are now going Hollywood...Hogan. Apparently Nick Bollea, Hulk Hogan's son, was driving like a real American when Bollea was charged with reckless driving after he was in a car wreck that came after he was racing another vehicle. The accident led to serious brain injury to the passenger riding with Bollea. Little Hogan is dropping a serious Atomic Leg Drop on the Hogan P.R. machine!

The war on terror is entering the realm of unintended consequences, with the U.S.A. Today reporting that 15,000 people may be unfairly caught in the dragnet that is the terror list, and these innocent people are unable to get their names off the black ball list. Who knows how they are going to solve this quandary, and who knows how they are going to get Don Imus, Rosie O'Donnell and Dog the Bounty Hunter added to the list? I wish them all the best of luck.

Congress has finally banded together and overridden a veto by George W. Bush. This particular bill addressed water, education, labor and veterans programs, and it marked the first successful challenge to the Presidential veto during Bush's tenure. Now all Congress has to do is oppose an issue that means more to me than water issues, education, labor and veterans programs--like Iraq, maybe?

Pervez Musharraf's crackdown in Pakistan has missed one outlet in his nation's communication sphere--the internet. Pakistanis thirsty for information are increasingly turning to the Web to get information in the turbulent country. I wonder if the Pakistani Drudge Report is as reliable of a source of information as the domestic Drudge Report.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Alan Colmes voice of opposition in the Middle East, is continuing to thumb his nose at American interests after he announced that 3,000 centrifuges were being used in Iran to enrich uranium that could be used to fuel nuclear reactors or a nuclear bomb. Americans are threatening further sanctions if Iran doesn't change course, and Ahmadinejad is threatening to deliver the commencement speech at Columbia this summer if Bush doesn't reconsider his position.

The Hollywood writers strike has not only screwed the fans of sit-coms, talk shows and other programs. Now, it might start to screw the other people that work on the sets of these programs, from cameramen to grips, from lighting to catering services. As long as geniuses like Charlie Sheen and Aaron Spelling can still eat, I'm sure most people in L.A. won't lose any sleep over the issue.

Hall of Fame coach Don Shula is suggesting that if the Patriots finish the season undefeated, there should be an asterisk next to the record because of the Pats' role in the Spygate incident. I wonder if the holder of the sans asterisk record has any reason to be biased about the accomplishment.

Finally, in what must be the most bizarre story of the day, two college students were arrested for kidnapping and assaulting a teenager who owed them money for drugs. The two students burned the victim with freshly baked cookies, spanked him with a paddle, poured urine on him and shaved part of his head in an effort to get money from the person. According to future Attorney General Michael Mukasey, the acts are not torture in his humble opinion because the kid probably deserved it. Mukasey characterized the actions as essential in the war on terror. He was quickly confirmed by Congress, later waterboarding the pot money out of the kid and giving it back to the two poor frat boys.

An Army of One

The Marines are suggesting that they should withdraw from Iraq and concentrate their efforts on Afghanistan while the Army remains in charge in Baghdad. Iraq is such a crappy place to be, the leathernecks would rather be hanging out in Afghanistan under U.N. command than stay in Mesopotamia. That's unreal.

The Washington Post detailed the White House's desire to target companies who employ illegal immigrants, and explained why the courts nixed that decision. It's good to see somebody in the other two branches of government actually CHECKING the power of the Executive branch for the first time in a long time.

The House resolution to recognize the genocide of the Armenians by the Turks during World War I has ruffled some feathers in the Turkish government. Now that the U.S. is nearly the last country on board regarding the state-sponsored campaign of murder that darkens Turkey's past, apparently Turkey will be the last to recognize the error of its (past) ways.

The general public might draw the conclusion that the media are prejudiced based upon Ann Coulter calling Christianity "perfected Judaism" and Fox News radio host John Gibson identifying the Cleveland school shooter as white based upon the premise, "I knew it as soon as he shot himself. Hip-hoppers don't do that. They shoot and move on to shoot again." It's too bad that purported news outlets would give these simpletons a soapbox to stand on, but you should expect nothing less than a quality product from Bill Gates and Rupert Murdoch's operations.

Finally, the crazy story of the day has to be the New York pizza shop owner who is accused of manufacturing counterfeit money behind the pizza oven. I'll take a large pizza with green peppers, mushrooms and convincing counterfeit $100 bills (for research purposes only, of course).

Homerun News Day

The final division series is over, making the next two days an absolute black hole for athletic competition unless you'd like to check out the slate of volleyball available on the Big 10 network. Joe Torre may have managed his last game in a Yankee uniform. Alex Rodriguez might also be leaving the Big Apple. New York is a mess, and outside of NYC, everybody is laughing at the city and its misfortune.

The White House rush to demonstrate the effectiveness of their war on terror has resulted in some unintended consequences. After a copy of Osama bin Laden's 9/11 speech was taken from al Qaeda's intranet, the network went silent, destroying this window into this world of extremism. Bush gave up a direct link to terrorist information in order to impress the public with a two-day early copy of the senseless ravings of a deranged madman in bin Laden. This isn't the first example of the White House rushing headlong into an endeavor without a careful plan, and it probably won't be the last, either.

The Democrats in Congress, those people elected by the American population to change the direction of the country after the rudderless Republican regime, are expected to extend the warrantless wiretapping program in the U.S. The Dems are doing such a good job directing the legislative branch that they have to inspire somebody to create a third party to replace the ineffective two that the voters have to choose between.

Blackwater is in the soup now that Iraq's government will demand $136 million in damages because the security firm killed 17 civilians. Now democracy in Iraq is really chugging along, because the Iraqis have figured out how to go after the people with the bankroll. If the system is broken, you can always sue somebody.

CBS news is under fire again. First, the Dan Rather debacle damaged the news institution's credibility when they failed to fact check a story on George Bush's military service record. Then they threw a curve ball by hiring bubbly morning TV personality Katie Couric to anchor the evening news, bringing more criticism. Now, they are apparently not allowing conflict of interest problems to prevent them from using the public relations machine to build the Dick Cheney agenda. Rita Braver, whose husband derives income from legal work on Mrs. Cheney's new book, put together a fluff piece about the book, further blurring the line between news and advertising. The new sign off for the evening news can be, "Brought to you by this evening's sponsor."

Finally, those who think that American macrobrews are too similar to one another will cringe at the news of Coors and Miller combining efforts to market beer in the United States. At least now I know that there will be one single corporate entity making shit beer to appease the simple American palate and oppose the monolith that is Anheuser-Busch as opposed to two companies with the same ridiculous goal.

Don't Mess with Partridge

Who would have imagined years ago that it would have been possible for a washed up show biz has-been who resurrected his career appearing on a television show about other has-been celebrities to suplex a dude who was famous strictly for appearing on similar low budget garbage productions at a show giving awards to nincompoops who appear on these types of programs? Watch Danny Bonaduce body slam "Survivor" villain Jonny Fairplay above, and remember never to chest hump Danny Partridge.

In the real world, reports are surfacing about Alberto Gonzales, the former Attorney General, authoring a series of secret documents that authorized extreme torture methods by the CIA after public documents decried these tactics. Amongst the techniques allowed in the secret files was forcing reputed members of Al Qaeda to watch all of the VH1 Really Awards and leaving out the Bonaduce/Fairplay tussle. Our government really is a bunch of brutal bastards.

Word in Iraq is that the country is fed up waiting for weapons for their police force to come from the U.S., so the Iraqi government is going to pay China $100 million for more guns and ammo. And who said democracy would never work in Iraq? Much like Wal-Mart, Iraq has discovered it can get what it wants and what it needs cheaper from China than from America.

Netizens looking to get their bullshit straight from the source need look no further than the new, handy-dandy U.S. Department of State blog Dipnote. I can't wait to see their next entry on how well they have created, "a more secure, democratic, and prosperous world for the benefit of the American people and the international community," through their efforts in Iraq. I can't wait to read Condi's next post...it will be great to engage her directly in the blogosphere.

Finally, Mr. Sulu will get to orbit through outer space forever now that they named an asteroid after actor George Takei. The "Star Trek" veteran who currently appears on the show "Heroes" was recognized by the International Astronomical Union's Committee on Small Body Nomenclature, an organization dedicated to naming celestial bodies and to saving small bodies like Nicole Ritchie and the skinny Olsen twin here on Earth.

A Tall Glass of Blackwater

News keeps pouring in about the misdeeds of our hired mercenary goons in Iraq. Apparently Blackwater, a security company meant to protect American officials in Iraq, made a number of poor decisions in evacuating people from a secure compound in addition to their poor decision to kill Iraqi civilians. Who would have imagined that letting a bunch of cowboys run around Iraq armed could have turned out so badly? Apparently not the White House, that's for sure.

Further evidence of the federal government ignoring those displaced by Hurricane Katrina comes in the form of cities attempting to close down the confederated trailer parks where those who lost their homes in the storm currently live. Boy, if the people of New Orleans didn't get jobbed well enough by the shortsighted efforts of FEMA and their minions, now they'll get to experience the unbridled joy that comes from getting screwed at the local level.

In the habeas corpus department, selected members of the Gitmo gulag will be able to request lawyers to help battle their status as enemy combatants. If they want to put up a real fight, I would suggest getting any one of the lawyers who represented Phil Spector to fight their case.

Those looking for another reason not to support the Clinton 2008 rush to the White House need to look no further than her controversial campaign advisor--George W. Bush. He knows what he's talking about, because if there was any candidate that won an election after a more controversial tenure than the Clintons, it would have to be junior Bush.

Google and Microsoft are now taking off their gloves in the battle for computing supremacy. Whichever company wins, the public probably loses. Between Microsoft's monopolistic practices and Google's invasion of privacy, it's akin trying to pick your favorite type of genocide.

The new media revolution has now moved to Myanmar, where bloggers are a major frame of reference for media organizations looking for information about the protests in the country and the violent government backlash that followed. While the channel may have been closed by government officials when they clamped down on the internet, it's interesting to see that somebody uses a blog for a useful purpose (as opposed to yours truly).

Finally, in news of the weird, Slate produced a feature that detailed the best articles about sex from the year 2007. Just missing the cut were Larry Craig's restroom hijinks and Michael Jackson, who is probably having massive problems getting laid since he isn't actually married.

Big Hair and Big Spending

It's difficult to disagree with a face like that, with or without the Wall of Sound. The Phil Specter murder case in California was declared a mistrial due to a deadlocked jury, proving that if you are planning on shooting somebody, you should at least have the common sense to drag them into California before you kill them so you can guarantee a victory no matter the evidence. A California jury would probably have trouble reaching a decision on whether to bench Rex Grossman based upon a lack of evidence.

Robert Gates is asking Congress for more money to fight the war on terror, bringing to $190 billion this year's grand total of money spent that is helping the American people as much as it would if it was thrown in a pit and burned to ashes. At least if we threw billions of dollars in a hole and torched it, it could lower the heating bills for people in Minnesota and Alaska during the winter.

Speaking of Iraq and a change in regime, the top 3 Democratic candidates would not guarantee a troop withdrawal during their first term in office in the latest debate, doing little to distance themselves from the G.O.P. candidates. Hillary Clinton appeared to be the consensus victor of the debate. America again appears to be the loser.

The cause du jour involves the violent crackdown on protesters of the junta in Myanmar, which included the killing of monks, a Japanese photographer and even a stiff rebuke from China. If Bush could find Myanmar on a map, he'd probably invade and promote sectarian violence.

Mike Vick just can't stay out of trouble. His sincere apology followed his conviction on heinous charges, but even his mea culpa may be too little, too late after news of his positive drug test hit the news wire. Add common sense to the laundry list of things Vick hasn't tried in his approach to redemption.

USA Today has detailed the brilliant business model of the Huffington Post--don't bother to pay your high-profile bloggers. All right! The 17 cents I make on advertising trumps the money that Bill Maher generates blogging. Score one for the team.

Finally, good news comes out the dining scene on the heels of my tenacious reports on poor Grant Achatz's health developments. In all seriousness, best wishes again to a titan of fine dining.

Cycling the News Cycle

Floyd Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title in a move that came as a surprise to nobody but Floyd Landis. I believe the story received way too much press because Landis and O.J. Simpson lack a certain characteristic called credibility, with Landis having the additional problem of competing in the only sport that could rival football in terms of being associated with steroids. Actually, Simpson has a better chance of being found innocent than Landis had based upon simple examination of facts. If somebody wants to put together a novel and enlightening article about the Tour, I would suggest trying to track down the guy in cycling who isn't on drugs in order to introduce me to an unknown quantity.

The Senate failed to pass a measure that would have been the first step in bringing troops home from Iraq. Come to think of it, I'm trying to remember the last time the Senate succeeded at anything. It was might have been recently, but I really can't put my finger on the exact date.

It was a great news day for loony world leaders and ideologues. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, had his request to lay a wreath at the memorial for 9/11 declined. He would have been received less warmly than Art Modell at a Cleveland Browns convention. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is ordering his countrymen to set their clocks back a half an hour in order to create more daylight. Notice to Chavez: Day light and school hours can be changed without the arbitrary time shifts. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. And everybody's favorite fundamentalist cretin Osama bin Laden has issued a call for attacks on Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf because of his actions against mosques in Pakistan and his cooperation with America. Musharraf countered by cutting off bin Laden's supply of beard dye.

Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather filed a $70 million law suit against his ex-employer for damaging his reputation in the wake of his termination. CBS might actually give him half of that if he'd agree to come back and take over for the ratings slump that is the Katie Couric experience.

If you haven't gotten your fill of election coverage yet, definitely check out the Slate piece about Mitt Romney's make-your-own campaign ad Web site. You can go ahead and insert any random Mormon joke and make it Mitt's campaign slogan. Bonus!

In sports news, I'm still baffled that Tank Johnson signed a new contract. Obviously character means little and talent means everything in the NFL. The most surprising fact is that the Cincinnati Bengals didn't sign Johnson after the Cleveland Steamers dropped a 51 spot on their defense. His character would have made Johnson a natural fit in the Queen city.

Finally, if Notre Dame didn't look bad enough playing football on the field this season, hopefully the burn of lost income at Bowl season will sting enough to make the school rethink its independent status. Even without a conference, Notre Dame will still finish the year in last place in its division.

O.J. Sucks at Crime (Allegedly)

He's ba-ack! The Juice just couldn't stay out of the headlines. Years after his famous murder trial, O.J. Simpson has been questioned about a break-in and theft of sports memorabilia in a Los Vegas casino. If he did it, the law might finally squeeze the last pulp out of the Juice.

Another case has had a verdict rendered...Bush is staying in Iraq. The Nation offered an analysis of the war on terror, calling the current Bush policy illegal, immoral and misdirected.You can only hope that somebody in Congress will finally step up to the plate and take a swing at smashing this policy over the Green Monster that is the White House stubborn streak. I pick Kucinich because he would look the funniest rounding the bases (and also because his vegan diet allows him to swing a sweet stick).

On the indefinite detention in the war on terror front, the Pentagon censored an audio recording of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, believing that the material could be used as recruiting material in the YouTube world. This is probably a bad move. Everybody remembers how big 2 Live Crew got after the government tried to censor them. The U.S. doesn't want Osama bin Laden to achieve Luther Campbell status. Everybody would be out buying the album!

I just can't get enough of the Presidential mashup. It was referenced here yesterday, and you can put together your own debate, choosing any or all of the Democratic candidates to answer questions within a set time frame on Iraq, health care, education or a random jab by comedian Bill Maher. Web 2.0 candidate Barack Obama leads the poll so far with 36 percent choosing him as the winner over runner-up Hillary Clinton (32 percent). Eddie the Ambulance Chaser finished a distant third as of press time. The technology in these debates is still developing. Hopefully in a few years we'll be able to ask candidates like Mike Gravel directly if they really, truly believe they have a chance at winning or if campaigning is just a hobby of theirs.

Also on the subject of Bill Maher, he posted a blog entry about those he calls 24 Hour Republican Party People. On the heels of the national sex scandals plaguing the G.O.P. comes the story of the St. Petersburg City Council Chairman committing suicide after allegations arose that he sexually abused three young girls, two of whom were his adopted daughters. The Republican party is just one giant George Michael scandal followed by a night out with Charlie Sheen, ending with confession at a Catholic church.

Concertgoers interested in how their city stacks up against the competition can compare notes in the University of Chicago study that compares music markets. If they were counting, Ohio would probably finish in last place.

The sports jury is in: Bill Belichick's punishment wasn't harsh enough. Belichick, the hooded sweatshirt-clad 007 of NFL head coaches, has to fork over $500,000 for video taping the Jets sideline, while the team loses a quarter of a million dollars and a 1st round pick if they make the playoffs or a 2nd and 3rd round pick if they don't. The Chargers think that Brady and Moss should be euthanized in order to make things fair. The Jets want a penalty more like the McLaren automobile fine. I suggest an even greater punishment--make Lloyd Carr the Patriots coach during a four game suspension to be served by the hooded hoodwink Belichick.

A Hilliard Davidson high school student had his punishment reduced for his role in a prank passing out signs to a section occupied by the rival team's fans at the football stadium that spelled out, "We Suck" when they were held up in unison during the third quarter. The other high school's fans should also have been punished for sucking at common sense.

Finally, if you don't think that people waste enough time watching television or using social networking sites, somebody had the common sense to combine the two endeavors. OMG my top friend is that guy from the MySpace show. Somebody shoot me now.

Slam Dunk News Day

Big man Greg Oden may be done for the season after he had microfracture surgery on his knee. The first pick in the draft should have plenty of time left to work on his dance moves with the women of Portland while the team is traveling and playing basketball games.

What would the day's news be without a pile of Iraq reports? The Dems are trying to attract moderate Republicans to join the Anti-War efforts in order to prevent a filibuster. A compromise passed regarding oil in Iraq has collapsed. Reports about the deaths of the soldiers who authored a piece that was critical of the military efforts in Iraq continue to pour in. A key U.S. ally in Iraq was killed today by a bomb planted outside his house. The best possible option for the country would be to allow Iraq to be governed by a reality television show where viewers in the country could vote on what steps should be taken next in the glorious enterprise that is democracy. That is, if they can get enough electricity to run "Iraqi Idol."

In other parts of the Middle East, tensions are flaring in Syria after Israel's air strike on mysterious targets within Syrian borders. The strikes were thought to be on nuclear targets. Both sides are tense, and whatever happened, at least the efforts didn't involve a bomb that was as big as the Cleveland Browns performance against Pittsburgh on Sunday.

The presidential debate has gone Web 2.0, with Democratic candidates communicating with the voting public in an online forum that goes by the name of the Presidential mashup. Each candidate offers their views on a series of predetermined questions, and then a few questions are generated by the audience. I'm into the health care issue, and nobody with a real chance of winning has a working plan for guaranteeing health care for all that addresses the issues I'm interested in. Until Hillary quits taking money from the insurance lobby, I'm still supporting somebody else.

Finally, vegetarianism is good for the environment. Scientists have determined that meat production is a significant contributor to global warming. Just keep eating your steaks, Earth killer. You should be able to chase your favorite piece of carcass down with a heaping helping of methane gas. Mmm mmm. Tastes like the apocalypse.

The Weather Report in Iraq

I feel safer already. Russia has developed the most powerful non-nuclear bomb in the world. The move was rumored to have been intended to make the U.S. nervous. I'm guessing Chechnya is the location that is most nervous.

Today's news was all over the Petraeus report and King George's reaction to the information. Most sources aren't buying the story coming from the General and the Commander in Chief. The next step is for the press to demand a swift guarantee at the legislative level to make sure this empty promise actually comes true.

Also in troubling Iraq news, two of the seven soldiers who authored an op-ed piece in the New York Times that was critical of the reports of success in the campaign have been killed in the line of duty. That eliminates two more people who have more insight into the situation in Iraq than anybody in the White House. Hopefully the administration isn't trying to knock off everybody critical of the surge, because those other five troops (one of which was also shot in the head Aug. 12) and I will have to watch out more than usual.

Disgraced Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has resigned on the heels of a terrible year in office. I'm guessing Britney Spears' manager and publicist are probably doing the same thing right now.

After being accused of cheating by video taping the Jets and publicly admitting said transgression, Patriots coach Bill Belichick has critics ranging from Chargers halfback LaDanian Tomlinson to the media. Belichick is just thankful that he still isn't coaching in Cleveland.

Finally in jazz news, synth great Joe Zawinul died at the age of 75. Zawinul played and composed songs for the titans Miles Davis and Cannonball Adderly before forming the seminal jazz fusion group Weather Report with saxophone virtuoso Wayne Shorter. Zawinul crossed genres and cultures, creating a sound that was equal parts classical European tradition, funky jazz keyboard and rock n roll. Zawinul composed major parts of the jazz songbook, songs that were performed by the legends of the genre as well as currently being played by youngsters trying to cut their teeth. Some of the music sounds dated now, but today's multi-genre fusion efforts in a multitude of styles owe a great debt of gratitude to the pioneers like Joe Zawinul, a man who blazed a path so bright that those who come after him will be able to follow the trail for years to come.

Operas About Terrorism

German authorities are reporting the arrest of three people plotting to launch terrorist attacks against American and Teutonic targets, seizing a cache of explosives and military detonators that were to be used against unnamed targets in the country. The materials confiscated by the authorities potentially would have been the biggest bomb to explode in Germany since the David Hasselhoff Hamburger video surfaced.

Iraq continues to pile up the bad news. Reports indicate that the Iraqi army will be unable to take over for American forces within the next 18 months. Experts are also crediting reports of decreased violence in Iraq to dubious accounting practices. Hopefully this is all part of the continuing success of the troop surge.

After this blog commented on the pitfalls that have rained down upon the Republican party, the news came in that Paul Gilmore, a Senator from Ohio, died in his apartment at the age of 68. Most Republicans were wishing that Larry Craig would have dropped dead and that Paul Gillmore would have stuck around, but hey--you can't win them all.

Are you ready for some football? The NFL season starts tonight with the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts facing the NFC Championship also-ran New Orleans Saints. The Onion is predicting big things for Brady Quinn. Hopefully another Cincinnati Bengal doesn't get arrested in the stands before their first game on Monday.

The biggest story in college football this year was Appalachian State beating the juggernaut that is Michigan. Now rival Ohio State fans are creating a huge demand for Appalachian State wear in order to taunt the rival Wolverines. Salt, meet open wound.

Finally, in music news, the opera world was dealt a tragic blow as one of its most notable figures has died of pacreatic cancer at the age of 71. Luciano Pavarotti, the most noted of the great Three Tenors, lost a long battle with the disease. He was noted for his warm stage presence, his rich and vibrant tone and his clear diction of Romance languages. Pavarotti was one of the latest in a long line of opera stars to cross over into the realm of pop culture. Recordings will be all that remains of one of the greatest voices of all time.

Flying High

Daredevil Steve Fossett, an adventurer who set a world record by flying a hot air balloon around the world, may have undertaken his final journey now that his plane has turned up missing in Nevada. I've seen some dangerous elderly drivers on the roadways in my day. I can hardly fathom the insurance premium on a 63-year-old who flies acrobatic planes for recreation. Let's hope for the best.

The White House sidestepped criticism of progress in Iraq by changing the benchmarks for success from a simple yes or no system to a system that adds a status of "partially met." This changes the rate from 15 of 18 benchmarks unachieved to a more modest rating that turns some of the failures into semantic success. Hopefully one of the benchmarks for success doesn't involve families in Iraq being forced to trade homes because of their religion, then later being forced to give up their home because of civil unrest like it does in today's Washington Post. That would definitely not qualify as a benchmark for success.

Everybody's favorite wide-standing Senator Larry Craig will fight the ethics charges against him and is rethinking the idea of resigning his seat in Congress. Senator Skeezy is resisting giving up his seat in Congress far more actively than he was resisting giving up his sex in the Minneapolis airport bathroom according to his guilty plea.

Lean times in Iran have allowed the nation's leaders to gain tighter control over the lives of its citizens according to the NYTimes. Some sources are predicting a that Iran is the next front in the floundering war on terror, while Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinejad believes his mathematical skill and faith in Allah foretell that the U.S. will not attack him because of his nuclear ambitions. No matter who is correct, it seems that everybody involved loses.

Everybody who thinks that Hugo Chavez is the craziest person in Venezuela obviously didn't read the article about practitioners of Santeria unearthing the bones of the dead in order to perform evil rituals. Unconfirmed reports have Michigan boosters casting as many hexes as possible at reviled Coach Lloyd Carr, hoping for a change of course that is greater than being the first team to drop out of the top 25 after starting the season ranked 5th.

Bad press typically comes in waves rather than in a gradual fashion. Check Russia for instance. The country took a special advertising section out in the Washington Post that appeared to be propaganda written by primary school children. Even when they are using public relations, Russia gets called to the mat. Let's hope the article about Russia and the Doomsday Machine is more conjecture than reality after reading the strategic prose in the Post.

But Russia's bad press has to take a seat to the reputation of absolute disaster that is China. Whether it's toys, pet food, copyright violations or coal mining, China has an awful story in all departments. Now, a prominent politician has drawn public scorn for plagiarizing his apology to a court of law. Maybe he should try some melamine appetizers before he gets sentenced in order to save the country any additional scrutiny.

All The News That's Fit To Blog

T-minus two days and counting for NFL football. My fantasy team is ready. My Bears gear is in. The experts have spoken. Let's fire up this grill and get cooking.

North Korea is claiming the U.S. will lift sanctions against the country while the U.S. is saying, "No we didn't." I give the Van Halen reunion a better chance at success.

George Bush and his rose-colored glasses are reporting nothing but butterflies and puppies in Iraq. King George, the cockeyed optimist that he is, probably also believes Michigan has a shot at the national championship and that Lindsay Lohan will soon be getting out of rehab and climbing back up the ladder of success.

News crews are all over the Larry Craig story. But there are deeper issues afoot than a Senator looking to get lucky in the men's room of the airport. When is it ethically acceptable to identify a closeted homosexual? Why is the police department patrolling bathrooms when terrorism seems to be a greater threat? Who has the most notches in their Congressional bed posts--Mark Foley, David Vitter or Craig? These questions are tough, and Republicans and the media will have to come up with the answers on their own.

All of those suckers who waited in line overnight and spent a month's rent on Apple's new iPhone probably weren't planning for rival Google to develop a competing product. Rumors are swirling around the Web that the factotum of technology is going to release its own mobile browsing cell phone very soon. All of these companies are modifying Timothy Leary's plan and asking consumers to Plug In, Turn On and Drop Out. I'll be on the outside looking in, thanks.

The trial is coming to a close, and the jury is in on one issue--the Phil Spector trial is weird as hell. The only way a trial could be more crazy is if Verne Troyer stabbed Vin Diesel and Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle and blamed it on O.J. Simpson.

Finally, the weirdest story of the day had to be the tale of 13-year-old school kids in South Africa getting in trouble for taking ecstasy at a school dance. Where do they go to school? Lindsay Lohan Prep? Brittney Spears High? Where does a middle school kid get ecstasy, and who sold it to them? It ought to provide an easy way to shrug off the legacy of apartheid, at any rate.

NC Two A--Today!

It's back! College football is in the air, with LSU most likely wiping the floor with the overmatched Mississippi State tonight on national (cable) television. The fans are crazy. The predictions are in. One day after my complaints about the Big Ten network and cable television, my cable provider picked up the channel, which should give me all the fuel I need to watch OSU play its way into third place in the conference. The game is on. Let's play ball.

According to the Government Accountability Office (what a nice concept!), the surge has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks for success in Iraq set by Congress. In Chicago, Rex Grossman has failed to meet 16 out of the 18 benchmarks for success, suggesting that he will start and play through most of the season. You know what that means in Iraq.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has agreed to give up his military rank in order to remain in office while simultaneously allowing exiled Benazir Bhutto back into the country to run for prime minister. The U.S. government views the plan as the least of many potential evils. U.S. citizens are presently contemplating the possibility of exiling most of the White House and putting somebody from the military in charge at least until the next election. I'll keep you posted.

Texas, a state whose capital punishment totals are dwarfed only by large totalitarian nations, is trying to set a new low in cause for execution. This bastion of good ole boys has executed the mentally retarded and (potentially) the innocent. Now, Kenneth Foster is set for execution August 30. He didn't murder anybody, but rather was the getaway driver who knew nothing of the murder committed by another man who was greater than 80 feet from Foster's vehicle at the time of the robbery. Foster has used his time in prison to develop his craft as a spoken word artist. Meanwhile, a judge in California has suggested that the state needs to fast track more executions in order to make the system run more effectively. Let's call him the CEO of Death, Inc. Across the pond in the European Union, people are looking at us now with the same disdain with which the Romans viewed the Barbarians.

In music news, a Viennese pathologist is working on determining whether lead poisoning by his doctor contributed to the death of Ludwig van Beethoven. In my opinion, the genius composer probably visualized how his craft would be thrown to the dogs when nincompoops like Fall Out Boy and Fergie became the famous composers of the day, and then Ludwig choked on his own vomit.

Speaking of musicians vomiting, clinically brain dead guitarist Keith Richards is outraged at negative reviews of a Stones show he had translated from Swedish papers. The reviews called him "Superdrunk," and "a bit confused." Richards probably cried himself to sleep inside a giant bottle of Absolut.

Hey Ladies! Meet Larry.

Today's news starts with the obvious conclusion that poor Senator Larry Craig is not gay. Just listen to the man. He said he is a conservative straight man, no matter what the police found him doing in a men's restroom. Or who he offered to do it to. Or on. Or with. Nothing helps your image as a heterosexual stallion than trolling in the men's room, Larry. That guilty plea won't help your cause either.

The vultures are circling around the carcass of the Attorney General's office, and many are offering up lists of potential candidates before they get to make their flyby in Congress. The purported front runner is Homeland Security boss Michael Chertoff. If anybody is keeping score, Congress might want to call Chertoff to task for lying about his knowledge of torture at Gitmo. If Bush is looking to slip somebody past Capitol Hill, I would recommend nominating famous prosecutor Jack McCoy. He has great credentials, plus he served under Fred Thompson, so he'd tow the party line.

The New York Times finds that, despite their promises, the U.S. has been slow to accept Iraqi refugees displaced by war. Hopefully President Foresight can lend some assistance with the extra $50 billion he's asking the taxpayers to fork over to continue the effort in Iraq. He'd at least be helping somebody.

Ending on a depressing note, the census report identifies nearly 50 million people who are going without health insurance in the United States. This is turning into the hot button topic that candidates will not be able to dodge, the gorilla in the room that is the imperfect American medical system. Relying on private business to tow the line is one step. Making sure that everybody is guaranteed health care no matter their birthright is the next step. Here's to hoping our medical future is less sick than our medical present.

It Was Nice To Have Known You

Finally, they got rid of the bad guy. No, I'm not talking about Michael Vick, although even that speedster couldn't outrun his dogfighting charges. Vick should be congratulated on finding Jesus, albeit after he mistreated and potentially killed a cadre of God's creatures he was entrusted to protect. No, the bad guy in question here is Alberto Gonzales, who finally offered his resignation after much heel dragging ensued. The case against Gonzales was strong. It's a shame that he and Vick won't get an opportunity to be roommates in the Federal Pen.

The American quest to find leadership in Iraq may be taking a turn down familiar streets soon, with former failed leader Iyad Allawi campaigning in Washington to take over for the current failure in leadership Nouri al-Maliki. Most Americans at this point are doing the same, contemplating the possibility of putting former failure Jimmy Carter back in office to stop the bleeding before President Bush II REALLY gets a chance to screw something up.

On the other front in the war on terror, the Taliban has harvested a record crop of opium, making the group the only religious order consisting of equal parts Tony Montana and James Dobson.

The death toll in Greece continues to rise after the county's battle with wildfires, once again illustrating the imminent danger of saganaki.

The battle between sports loyalties and corporate muscle flexing continues to fester with the Big Ten Network and most cable companies "worlds apart" in reaching an agreement that would allow Ohio State fans the pleasure of watching their football team crush powerhouse programs like Youngstown State and Akron on cable television. The quandary could spill over into basketball season as well. Luckily for me, my college football teams are Otterbein, who I will be able to watch on the local cable network as they get throttled by Mount Union 118-6, and Ohio University, who spent most of last season playing on Court TV, meaning that it sucks to be you, Big Ten fans.

Also in sports news, Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs was cited for crashing his $400,000 Lamborghini on the highway and abandoning it there. Good thing he signed that franchised player contract, because I'm sure that the lease office might be more than a little upset receiving their high-performance automobile back in pieces.

Finally, news of the weird crosses the war on drugs in Mexico, where one of the most important pieces in the country's battle with drug smugglers has been replaced by a mutt. Rex IV, the Tim Duncan of drug sniffing dogs, was kidnapped while being shipped off to a mission, and replaced by a mixed breed puppy. I have no idea what happened to poor Rexy, but if I had to guess, I'd say somebody borrowed him to perform some additional evidence searches at Owen Wilson's pad. Don't quote me on that, however.

Are You Ready for Some Football?

And with the first pick in the 2007 draft, the United States penal system selects Michael Vick, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons. Here's hoping your cell mate isn't carrying a rape stand, Mike.

The chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee is calling for the ouster of the "democratically" elected President of Iraq Nouri al-Maliki. It's a shame that American citizens don't have the option of picking new elected officials because the last batch of elected officials is ineffective and unnecessary.

The ineffective and unnecessary leadership at the White House is making a stand against health care for children of the middle class without insurance. Their logic is that if these kids die off young while their parents also die off from old age, nobody will be left to be critical of the shambles that are the Bush legacy.

The Democratic majority in Congress has given birth to a 33 percent increased budget meant to battle global warming. It's about time somebody in this country spent money on something that will actually do ME some good in the future. Bravo to their selflessness (and a hurrah for my selfishness).

If you think the U.S. has trouble in our coal mines, maybe you should try China on for size. Relatives of the 172 miners trapped in a flooded mine protested the government's inactivity related to their loved ones. China's relationship with good press is about as longstanding as Michael Vick's, suggesting that China may want to just shoot all journalists dead before the press corps tears China to shreds at its own Olympics.

Finally, sports and news of the weird intersect at the story of a 59-year-old senior football player at Sul Ross University in Texas waiting to hear if he made the squad 35 years after his junior year. I don't know what Mike Flynt thinks he's doing, but if he makes that roster, he may inspire Barry Bonds to be the designated hitter for the Angels until 2050. Boo that idea!

A Little Duct Tape Will Fix Imus' Career

He's back! Don Imus, the racist windbag with a face ready made for radio, settled his wrongful termination suit with CBS, and is expected to return to terrestrial radio very soon. One of the Rutgers women's basketball players insulted by Imus has filed a defamation law suit against the Human Race Riot, complicating Imus' return to radio. Radio has gotten so bad at this juncture that Imus and his ugly mug actually look good on a broadcast billboard.

Four truck bombs exploded in the Kurdish region of Iraq, killing at least 250 people and injuring 350. This is obviously another installment in the continuing success story of the American involvement in Iraq.

The Axis of Evil is expanding now that the U.S. has designated Iran's Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organization. Like Bush said, "If you aren't with us, you're against us." It seems like less and less of the Middle East is with us.

Furthering the fruitless war on terror, the U.S. has expanded the use of satellites for the purpose of domestic espionage. With all of these new tools at their disposal, you'd think Congress would finally be able to crack Alberto Gonzales' wall of secrecy.

China does more every day to improve their commitment to quality with Mattel recently recalling millions of Chinese made toys that contained toxic chemicals. Made in China apparently is to quality what Made in a Sweatshop is to business ethics.

The mainstream media is giving plenty of reports about trying to save the miners in Utah, but they are ignoring the 324 safety violations in the mine since 2004 according to the Huffington Post. Introduce a bunch of reporters to shiny new technology and even they can't focus on the issue at hand!

Everybody was all over Obama for threatening military intervention in Pakistan if Al Qaeda was not being dealt with effectively by the Islamic nation, but why is nobody talking about Hillary's plan to nuke Osama Bin Laden? Perhaps they'd like an aggressive slogan to mark their campaign ambitions. The Democratic Party 2008--Don't Call Us Weak or Trigger Shy.

Baseball news abounded over the past 24 hours, with Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto dying, Baseball Prospectus determining that Barry Bonds couldn't hold Babe Ruth's jock strap and Atlanta manager Bobby Cox setting the all-time record for ejections. All of this excitement will keep me from acknowledging the Cubs pathetic reign in second place in the NL Central.

Finally, authorities in Kentucky have apprehended the dreaded Duct Tape Bandit, a criminal who covered his face in tape to conceal his identity while he robbed stores. It's a little late now, but I'm sure removing a ski mask from your face is far less painful than removing a thick layer of duct tape from your mug. Just ask your future cell mate. He should be able to give you some friendly advice (amongst other things).