I-man loves everybody

Man, Don Imus can't stay out of the headlines for 10 minutes. What better way to show everybody that you've changed your ways than by asking radio host Jay Severin, "Why don't you like Huckabee? Because you're gay, or what?"

Way to go, I-man! They ought to give you a spot on Sesame Street since you've proven your repentance.

Check it out on Media Matters.

A Little Duct Tape Will Fix Imus' Career

He's back! Don Imus, the racist windbag with a face ready made for radio, settled his wrongful termination suit with CBS, and is expected to return to terrestrial radio very soon. One of the Rutgers women's basketball players insulted by Imus has filed a defamation law suit against the Human Race Riot, complicating Imus' return to radio. Radio has gotten so bad at this juncture that Imus and his ugly mug actually look good on a broadcast billboard.

Four truck bombs exploded in the Kurdish region of Iraq, killing at least 250 people and injuring 350. This is obviously another installment in the continuing success story of the American involvement in Iraq.

The Axis of Evil is expanding now that the U.S. has designated Iran's Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organization. Like Bush said, "If you aren't with us, you're against us." It seems like less and less of the Middle East is with us.

Furthering the fruitless war on terror, the U.S. has expanded the use of satellites for the purpose of domestic espionage. With all of these new tools at their disposal, you'd think Congress would finally be able to crack Alberto Gonzales' wall of secrecy.

China does more every day to improve their commitment to quality with Mattel recently recalling millions of Chinese made toys that contained toxic chemicals. Made in China apparently is to quality what Made in a Sweatshop is to business ethics.

The mainstream media is giving plenty of reports about trying to save the miners in Utah, but they are ignoring the 324 safety violations in the mine since 2004 according to the Huffington Post. Introduce a bunch of reporters to shiny new technology and even they can't focus on the issue at hand!

Everybody was all over Obama for threatening military intervention in Pakistan if Al Qaeda was not being dealt with effectively by the Islamic nation, but why is nobody talking about Hillary's plan to nuke Osama Bin Laden? Perhaps they'd like an aggressive slogan to mark their campaign ambitions. The Democratic Party 2008--Don't Call Us Weak or Trigger Shy.

Baseball news abounded over the past 24 hours, with Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto dying, Baseball Prospectus determining that Barry Bonds couldn't hold Babe Ruth's jock strap and Atlanta manager Bobby Cox setting the all-time record for ejections. All of this excitement will keep me from acknowledging the Cubs pathetic reign in second place in the NL Central.

Finally, authorities in Kentucky have apprehended the dreaded Duct Tape Bandit, a criminal who covered his face in tape to conceal his identity while he robbed stores. It's a little late now, but I'm sure removing a ski mask from your face is far less painful than removing a thick layer of duct tape from your mug. Just ask your future cell mate. He should be able to give you some friendly advice (amongst other things).

Kick Them While They're Down

It's an exciting time to be alive. I'm excited. You're excited. George Flintstone is excited. Let's do this thing.

Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung Hui continues to dominate the news. He sent footage to NBC news between his first killing spree and his second. School will be canceled this week. President Bush offered his condolences and suggested that he will carefully reconsider which Korea he will declare war against next. Slate also proposed limiting gun show sales in a move that couldn't hurt but is no better than vaguely related to the Va-Tech incident.

Smooth pimp (and president of the World Bank) Paul Wolfowitz is fighting charges of favorable hiring and cronyism for hiring his girlfriend after an expensive World Bank-funded campaign to get her the position was racked up. Chaos follows the guy who was a key architect of the Iraq war. Apparently, Paul, there are consequences for selling your soul to Satan.

Speaking of Iraq, Sunni Saudi Arabia has agreed to write off 80 percent of the longstanding Iraqi debt. Step number two is to try and get them to pay off America's war debt and then we can put this whole mess behind us.

A U.N. report shows evidence of illegal Sudanese weapons transfers and airplane markings. Hopefully this leads to a military peacekeeping force and an end to the violence.

The Supreme Court voted 5-4 to uphold a law banning (depending on whom you ask) late-term or partial birth abortions. It doesn't make that big of a difference as Gary Sheffield and Andy Rooney are completely born and this procedure would be termed murder if it was used on those clowns.

Jurors are claiming bias against potential defendant and Patriot Act poster boy Jose Padilla. Seriously, how unfair could it be when jury bias is compared to suspending habeas corpus?

Ladies, Prince (and future King) William is single and looking to mingle after jilting his lady love. Remember, he comes from a family with a brother who dressed up as Hitler for Halloween, so high class is a must.

Today is also a tremendous day for crazy stories. Authorities in California continue to uncover giant industrial hydroponic marijuana mills in California. The busts have an estimated street value of $50 million. Harvard University researchers want people to keep on smoking after preliminary research showed that THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, might aid in shrinking tumors. Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are actively fighting a disease they don't have this very minute through what can only be called preventative medicine.

After being blessed by having the bomb dropped within its city limits, Nagasaki was hit by another bomb when a Yakuza gangster assassinated the mayor in an argument stemming from an old car problem. And they say America has a gun problem. A pinch Southwest of Nagasaki, Hong Kong diners are being charged for leftovers (some as much as 64 cents per ounce) in a move aimed at limiting waste. The other move restaurant management could consider is requiring diners to tip Rosie O'Donnell and Artie Lang who will just sit around and devour the leftovers.

Finally, Nike ran an ad in the New York Times based around the Don Imus controversy. As these updates entail, it's great to kick a guy when he's down.

Imus is a Cowboy

Sometimes a cowboy gets in one too many gun fights his enemies and gets taken down in the crossfire. Don Imus is the cowboy. The response from advertisers, pundits, bloggers and everybody else with an ounce of common sense is the crossfire.

News about Iraq makes the typical top story. Today, it's raining Iraq stories. Soldiers had their tours of duty in Iraq extended by three months. While their duty is extended, however, the troops are slightly rudderless. Three retired four star generals have refused White House requests to become the new czar in charge of the war effort in Iraq and Afghanistan. I keep forgetting what that quote is about rats and a sinking ship, but I'm sure I'll remember it eventually.

A federal panel reported limited evidence of voter fraud in previous elections and suggested voter identification should be required for elections. Democrats oppose the move, saying they believe this will decrease their voter turnout. After losing the last two elections to Bush II, perhaps they should concentrate their efforts on putting a candidate up that has a chance of winning an election. In the last Presidential election, Bush was so unpopular that Bucky Dent would have carried Massachusetts if he ran as a Democrat.

In other reports of people I wouldn't vote for with a gun to my head, Rudy Giuliani has been dodging controversy all over the place since he announced his plans to run for President. First, his marital issue (divorcing his second cousin) came up. Then he defended screwball radio doofus Don Imus. Now he's dodging questions about his comments regarding the Terri Schiavo controversy. If I have to choose between Rudy and Hillary in the next election, I will move to Switzerland and lodge at Frank Serpico's former digs as soon as the votes are counted.

Medical news is also notable today. Brazilian researchers utilized hematopioetic stem cells from bone marrow to create islet cells, curing type I diabetes in the patients. The study is in early stages. There are dangers to the procedure, which uses cyclophosphamide, a substance that can cause bladder cancer and leukemia, and it currently can only be performed in patients recently diagnosed with diabetes. It also involves severe immunosuppression. As a type I diabetic, all I want to hear is more good news. The Dems are challenging the moral scientist George Bush's threat to veto fetal stem cell legislation in the U.S., so hopefully the utilitarian philosophy will prevail.

Media reports are currently all Imus, all the time. Imus, who might as well have been invisible before last week, had his show canceled at MSNBC after advertisers jumped ship. Finally that nappy-headed hoser will have an easier time returning to anonymity.

Although slightly less newsworthy, Taalam Acey has a new documentary featuring his dynamic poetry performances. Acey delivers at a level that most people can't imagine spoken word achieving. Just go see him.

Sports stories were also plentiful today. Four Italian soccer fans were arrested after violence erupted after a match in Manchester, U.K. Soccer, much like hockey, has trouble keeping relevant without the gratuitous violence. Unlike hockey, most of the violence is in the stands.

The legal circus that was the Duke lacrosse rape case finally came to an end with the prosecutor dropping all charges. This freed Court TV to cover Anna Nicole Smith material all day, everyday one day too late.

Baseball season has gotten off to an interesting start, with snow moving the Cleveland Indians' home opener to Milwaukee. Tribune columnist Rick Morrissey tells everybody that they should suck it up and quit complaining. With global warming where it's at, in a few more years we'll be complaining that it's too hot in Florida and Los Angeles to play baseball in July.

In feel good baseball news, the College Baseball Hall of Fame selected Jim Abbott in the latest class. Abbott, a pitcher born without a right hand, accomplished more with one hand than Mark Prior and Kerry Wood did combined with four hands.

The New York Knicks accused the Chicago Bulls of running the score up against them last night in Chicago's 98-69 victory. The Bulls claimed they were not running the score up. They were trying to score 100 points so the fans would win a Big Mac in a promotion with McDonalds. Former Bull Eddie Curry expressed displeasure with the score. However, since all he accomplished while he was in Chicago was eating Big Macs, he could at least let the fans eat one.

In crazy weird news, the Germs' drummer Don Bolles was arrested in Los Angeles after police tested a bottle of a cleaning agent in his car that allegedly contained the date rape drug GHB. Soap of this kind could be very dangerous if it fell into the hands of a devious rapist with a germ phobia. Stay tuned to this one.

In New Port Richey, Florida, a string of robberies has terrorized local gas stations in and around the town. The robber enters gas stations and threatens clerks with what he claims is a syringe filled with H.I.V. positive blood. In other words, the crazy junkie tells gas station employees to jump, and they answer, "How High?" while handing him all of the money in the register.

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Above is the look of ecstasy and joy that comes from being named the father of the little bundle of money...err, joy Dannielynne. Congratulations on your success, and may I never hear the name Birkhead or Anna Nicole in the news ever again.

In real news, a throng of protesters loyal to Moktada al-Sadr demonstrated against American occupation in Iraq on the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad. Unlike Americans, Iraqis have in fact discovered the fringe benefits of free speech and the right to demonstrate. Like Americans, they will also learn that President Bush is not listening.

The L.A. Times reporter Borzou Daragahi wrote a tremendous story detailing the last 4 and 1/2 years the reporter has spent in Iraq. He details the trials and tribulations spent by a reporter working to tell the stories of Iraqis in the war zones and inform the public in the United States. With everybody overly critical of MSM (mainstream media), it is good to see evidence of the value of real journalists who do news work for the public good (i.e. not bloggers and not the pundits).

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that Iran plans to produce nuclear fuel on an industrial level, drawing sharp criticism from opponents of Iran's nuclear ambitions. President Ahmadinejad claims the materials will be used for energy needs and not weapons. That remark has been considered the biggest bomb (all puns intended) since Don Imus became a women's basketball commentator. Last week's hostage issue was the number one story of this week according to the Project for Excellence in Journalism, keeping the focus on Iran.

On the other side of the Axis of Evil, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson enjoyed a tour of the U.S.S. Pueblo, a naval vessel captured by North Korea in the 1960s. Richardson, who is also a Democratic candidate for President, described the presentation as unpleasant propaganda, much the same way that Rupert Murdoch describes the movie "Outfoxed."

In trade issues, the United States has filed suit against China because of alleged widespread piracy of American movies, music, books and software in the country. This is a terrible move, as without $2 copies of Hollywood blockbusters available at bodegas worldwide, I will probably never pay to see another film again.

Media news leads with the Don Imus developments. Imus is an ancient out-of-touch relic of a radio host who called the Rutgers women's basketball team some very unkind, racist names on his CBS show. He was called to the mat by Al Sharpton, who has an interesting racist history of his own, and defended his comments to Sharpton and a senator, whom Imus referred to as "you people." The Rutgers team agreed to finally meet with Imus after issuing critical statements. Soon, Imus and his 1950s shtick should be right where they belong, off the air and locked inside a ranch where nobody has to listen to him or see his hideous hair.

While on the subject of old men with incredible hair cuts, it is nearly impossible to pass up the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector, one of the legends in recording whose influential career includes writing and recording scores of hits with every girl group ever in the 1960s and a number of rock and roll legends with his famous Wall of Sound, has been accused of murdering actress Lana Clarkson by blowing her head off with a shotgun. Clarkson has appeared in many television and film roles. The specter of Spector's craziness should make this trial the most fun since the glove didn't fit.

Sports news involves the new sheriff/commissioner Roger Goodell bringing the pain to repeat offenders in the NFL. The first two to go down were Adam "Pacman" Jones (full season) and Chris "Felonyman" Henry (8 games). Cleveland Browns fans are desperately trying to get coach Romeo Crennel, center LeCharles Bentley and quarterback Charlie Frye to go somewhere and get arrested immediately so they can start over again from scratch.

Finally, in bizarre news, the L.A. Times profiled 94-year-old John Rodriguez, California's oldest prisoner. The article states that his chances of parole for murder are slim, but even his past record is hardly enough to disqualify him from military service. Hopefully I'll see you in Baghdad, buddy.