Die Hippie, Die!

It's official--U2 is managed by Eric Cartman.

Actually, that isn't true. The cultural dinosaurs, following on the heels of their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, are actually managed by a relic named Paul McGuiness. U2's manager delivered a scathing diatribe at the Midem Music Conference in Cannes about the state of the music industry.

In his rant, McGuiness demonstrated how he has his finger directly on the cultural pulse of the world by blaming hippies for the downfall of the music industry. With management like that, U2 should keep putting out shit music and receiving unbelievable adulation for their sorry efforts for years to come.

McGuiness is (more so than the hippies) a symptom of a music industry that is so out of touch with its audience that it no longer can conceptualize how to reach them. Reality talent farms like "American Idol" and the newest junket into the genre "Gone Country", where CMT tries to recycle has-beens like Bobby Brown and Dee Snider into country music superstars, are another symptom of how those in charge of the business blame their problems on everybody BUT themselves.

And Mr. McGuiness, do you blame the old Grateful Dead-era hippies, or the newfangled Yonder Mountain String Band hippies for the shortages in your music revenue? Whoever the culprit is, I'm sure this helps explain how Sting and his merry band of hippies The Police were the highest grossing touring band of the year, even topping the second place Rolling Stones (the band that is credited with ending the 1960s, by the way).

Maybe U2 should hire Thom York from Radiohead to manage all their future projects. Radiohead still seems to sell pretty well, even with all of their hippie album releases. Plus, unlike Paul McGuiness, Radiohead started their music career in the 20th century, which puts Radiohead 90 or 100 years ahead of the McGuiness and his reactionary philosophy.

Whatever the case may be, hopefully McGuiness is seen for exactly what he really is...an out of touch relic from a bygone era of music. Peace and love to you Paulie McG...best of luck in your antique endeavors, and leave the music business to those who can use counterculture terminology that comes after the year 1987.