Independence Day with 400% Less Will Smith

There will be some brief ruminating and complaining before I'm off to celebrate the birth of our great nation. Then it's off to drink and blow things up. God bless America, praise the lord and pass the ammunition.

If anybody was curious as to how we have spent these billions of dollars in Iraq, they need to look no further than the contractors (soldiers-for-hire) fighting in some sort of confederated union under the banner of the American flag. These contractors are the combat equivalent of the first credit card you got in college. You know you aren't supposed to buy these things and that you'll never be able to pay off the debt, but you keep swiping and stop thinking about it. Take the plastic away from the Oval Office before they spend your grandkids' grandkids' retirement plans.

Scootergate continues to pick up steam. Robert Sheer believes that the commutation shows that the administration believes it is above the law. The great philosopher Nico Toscani once said, "You guys think you're above the law... well you ain't above mine!" With Bush not ruling out a full pardon for Libby, perhaps Steven Seagal should be dispatched to Pennsylvania Avenue for a White House Showdown (I copyright that movie title...it's mine!).

After 100 days in captivity, BBC journalist Alan Johnston was freed by his captors in Gaza. He's a brave man for surviving this ordeal, and anybody who is working over in Gaza or the West Bank to dig up the truth is braver than somebody like myself, whose bravest act of defiance was wearing a Bears jersey into a Packers bar.

The Republican Presidential candidates are losing the money grab to the Dems, who have put up a sizable lead on the G.O.P. The only reason Mitt Romney can see Barack and Hillary is because he is throwing his own personal money into the fund. The only way these guys could stay in the race is by having a stockpile of ill-gotten gains to toss around in order to keep their ship afloat (a la Romney).

Weird news starts off with scientists finally figuring out how an entire lake in Chile disappeared while explaining where it went to. The scientists attributed the change to global warming while President Bush attributed the change to the boogieman or some other force out of our control.

Independence day brings about beer drinkers of many different stripes. Beermakers are complaining about massive revenue (millions of dollars) lost through kegs being sold for scrap metal. Consumers issue just as many complaints about the low quality swill being passed off as beer under the Budweiser, Miller and Coors banners. It appears that once again big business has created a new situation where nobody wins. Yeah big business, yeah big beer!

Eating Turned Up to Eleven

From Kobayashi's arthritic jaw to strokes caused by eating hard boiled eggs to death by bread and water, the sport of competitive eating is creating a new line of injuries that have a longer history then one might expect. With the titan of the sport on the sidelines with his injured jaw, the competition can be won by any number of fat, despicable slobs from Brooklyn rather than by a skinny Japanese dude. People will watch if anybody really cares about competitive eating.

Real scandal rolled in as expected with George Bush commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby. The decision was made without consulting his staff or the Justice department. Democrats were openly critical of the move, which keeps the felonious pawn out of prison while still keeping his record spotted. Bush might want to get Cheney in court and convicted now so he can pardon him before another administration gets a chance to make him serve real prison time.

Anarchy in the Middle East leads off with U.S. officials fingering Iran for killing five U.S. troops in Iraq. The military record is one in a long line that ties Iran to militant activity in Iran. If the place doesn't look bad enough with the influences attacking from outside the country, the Christian Science Monitor reports that bribes and militant groups are being used in Iraq to get kids through school. I don't know what this means for Iraq, but if I find a militia wandering around the streets of Athens, my thesis will be done this afternoon.

New names keep coming up in the Glasgow bombing case, and many of these names have the abbreviation Dr. before their name. Eight people have been arrested in the case and three are medical professionals. If these people had to work in the U.S. health care system, imagine how irate they would be! The attempts may be a model for future U.S. attacks, suggesting that Michael Moore's "Sicko" might also have touched off a nerve domestically.

Ohio University's board of trustees has put embroiled President Roderick McDavis on a short leash, extending his term for one more year. The only way the board could have selected a less popular man for President would have been to appoint George W. Bush Athens' new Decider-in-Chief.

On the music front, renowned soprano Beverly Sills died of lung cancer at the age of 78. Me and the other two opera fans have been crushed by the news.

Finally, people who have way too much money on their hands will be excited by the news that they can bid on a dinner date with Spinal Tap and Rob Reiner. Bidding started at $2,000 and got up to $5,000.52 as of press time on the eBay Web site. This information will push the stupid memorabilia purchasing knob up to 11.