Wrestling the News

Traffic accidents are now going Hollywood...Hogan. Apparently Nick Bollea, Hulk Hogan's son, was driving like a real American when Bollea was charged with reckless driving after he was in a car wreck that came after he was racing another vehicle. The accident led to serious brain injury to the passenger riding with Bollea. Little Hogan is dropping a serious Atomic Leg Drop on the Hogan P.R. machine!

The war on terror is entering the realm of unintended consequences, with the U.S.A. Today reporting that 15,000 people may be unfairly caught in the dragnet that is the terror list, and these innocent people are unable to get their names off the black ball list. Who knows how they are going to solve this quandary, and who knows how they are going to get Don Imus, Rosie O'Donnell and Dog the Bounty Hunter added to the list? I wish them all the best of luck.

Congress has finally banded together and overridden a veto by George W. Bush. This particular bill addressed water, education, labor and veterans programs, and it marked the first successful challenge to the Presidential veto during Bush's tenure. Now all Congress has to do is oppose an issue that means more to me than water issues, education, labor and veterans programs--like Iraq, maybe?

Pervez Musharraf's crackdown in Pakistan has missed one outlet in his nation's communication sphere--the internet. Pakistanis thirsty for information are increasingly turning to the Web to get information in the turbulent country. I wonder if the Pakistani Drudge Report is as reliable of a source of information as the domestic Drudge Report.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Alan Colmes voice of opposition in the Middle East, is continuing to thumb his nose at American interests after he announced that 3,000 centrifuges were being used in Iran to enrich uranium that could be used to fuel nuclear reactors or a nuclear bomb. Americans are threatening further sanctions if Iran doesn't change course, and Ahmadinejad is threatening to deliver the commencement speech at Columbia this summer if Bush doesn't reconsider his position.

The Hollywood writers strike has not only screwed the fans of sit-coms, talk shows and other programs. Now, it might start to screw the other people that work on the sets of these programs, from cameramen to grips, from lighting to catering services. As long as geniuses like Charlie Sheen and Aaron Spelling can still eat, I'm sure most people in L.A. won't lose any sleep over the issue.

Hall of Fame coach Don Shula is suggesting that if the Patriots finish the season undefeated, there should be an asterisk next to the record because of the Pats' role in the Spygate incident. I wonder if the holder of the sans asterisk record has any reason to be biased about the accomplishment.

Finally, in what must be the most bizarre story of the day, two college students were arrested for kidnapping and assaulting a teenager who owed them money for drugs. The two students burned the victim with freshly baked cookies, spanked him with a paddle, poured urine on him and shaved part of his head in an effort to get money from the person. According to future Attorney General Michael Mukasey, the acts are not torture in his humble opinion because the kid probably deserved it. Mukasey characterized the actions as essential in the war on terror. He was quickly confirmed by Congress, later waterboarding the pot money out of the kid and giving it back to the two poor frat boys.

Homerun News Day

The final division series is over, making the next two days an absolute black hole for athletic competition unless you'd like to check out the slate of volleyball available on the Big 10 network. Joe Torre may have managed his last game in a Yankee uniform. Alex Rodriguez might also be leaving the Big Apple. New York is a mess, and outside of NYC, everybody is laughing at the city and its misfortune.

The White House rush to demonstrate the effectiveness of their war on terror has resulted in some unintended consequences. After a copy of Osama bin Laden's 9/11 speech was taken from al Qaeda's intranet, the network went silent, destroying this window into this world of extremism. Bush gave up a direct link to terrorist information in order to impress the public with a two-day early copy of the senseless ravings of a deranged madman in bin Laden. This isn't the first example of the White House rushing headlong into an endeavor without a careful plan, and it probably won't be the last, either.

The Democrats in Congress, those people elected by the American population to change the direction of the country after the rudderless Republican regime, are expected to extend the warrantless wiretapping program in the U.S. The Dems are doing such a good job directing the legislative branch that they have to inspire somebody to create a third party to replace the ineffective two that the voters have to choose between.

Blackwater is in the soup now that Iraq's government will demand $136 million in damages because the security firm killed 17 civilians. Now democracy in Iraq is really chugging along, because the Iraqis have figured out how to go after the people with the bankroll. If the system is broken, you can always sue somebody.

CBS news is under fire again. First, the Dan Rather debacle damaged the news institution's credibility when they failed to fact check a story on George Bush's military service record. Then they threw a curve ball by hiring bubbly morning TV personality Katie Couric to anchor the evening news, bringing more criticism. Now, they are apparently not allowing conflict of interest problems to prevent them from using the public relations machine to build the Dick Cheney agenda. Rita Braver, whose husband derives income from legal work on Mrs. Cheney's new book, put together a fluff piece about the book, further blurring the line between news and advertising. The new sign off for the evening news can be, "Brought to you by this evening's sponsor."

Finally, those who think that American macrobrews are too similar to one another will cringe at the news of Coors and Miller combining efforts to market beer in the United States. At least now I know that there will be one single corporate entity making shit beer to appease the simple American palate and oppose the monolith that is Anheuser-Busch as opposed to two companies with the same ridiculous goal.

Operas About Terrorism

German authorities are reporting the arrest of three people plotting to launch terrorist attacks against American and Teutonic targets, seizing a cache of explosives and military detonators that were to be used against unnamed targets in the country. The materials confiscated by the authorities potentially would have been the biggest bomb to explode in Germany since the David Hasselhoff Hamburger video surfaced.

Iraq continues to pile up the bad news. Reports indicate that the Iraqi army will be unable to take over for American forces within the next 18 months. Experts are also crediting reports of decreased violence in Iraq to dubious accounting practices. Hopefully this is all part of the continuing success of the troop surge.

After this blog commented on the pitfalls that have rained down upon the Republican party, the news came in that Paul Gilmore, a Senator from Ohio, died in his apartment at the age of 68. Most Republicans were wishing that Larry Craig would have dropped dead and that Paul Gillmore would have stuck around, but hey--you can't win them all.

Are you ready for some football? The NFL season starts tonight with the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts facing the NFC Championship also-ran New Orleans Saints. The Onion is predicting big things for Brady Quinn. Hopefully another Cincinnati Bengal doesn't get arrested in the stands before their first game on Monday.

The biggest story in college football this year was Appalachian State beating the juggernaut that is Michigan. Now rival Ohio State fans are creating a huge demand for Appalachian State wear in order to taunt the rival Wolverines. Salt, meet open wound.

Finally, in music news, the opera world was dealt a tragic blow as one of its most notable figures has died of pacreatic cancer at the age of 71. Luciano Pavarotti, the most noted of the great Three Tenors, lost a long battle with the disease. He was noted for his warm stage presence, his rich and vibrant tone and his clear diction of Romance languages. Pavarotti was one of the latest in a long line of opera stars to cross over into the realm of pop culture. Recordings will be all that remains of one of the greatest voices of all time.

A Little Duct Tape Will Fix Imus' Career

He's back! Don Imus, the racist windbag with a face ready made for radio, settled his wrongful termination suit with CBS, and is expected to return to terrestrial radio very soon. One of the Rutgers women's basketball players insulted by Imus has filed a defamation law suit against the Human Race Riot, complicating Imus' return to radio. Radio has gotten so bad at this juncture that Imus and his ugly mug actually look good on a broadcast billboard.

Four truck bombs exploded in the Kurdish region of Iraq, killing at least 250 people and injuring 350. This is obviously another installment in the continuing success story of the American involvement in Iraq.

The Axis of Evil is expanding now that the U.S. has designated Iran's Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organization. Like Bush said, "If you aren't with us, you're against us." It seems like less and less of the Middle East is with us.

Furthering the fruitless war on terror, the U.S. has expanded the use of satellites for the purpose of domestic espionage. With all of these new tools at their disposal, you'd think Congress would finally be able to crack Alberto Gonzales' wall of secrecy.

China does more every day to improve their commitment to quality with Mattel recently recalling millions of Chinese made toys that contained toxic chemicals. Made in China apparently is to quality what Made in a Sweatshop is to business ethics.

The mainstream media is giving plenty of reports about trying to save the miners in Utah, but they are ignoring the 324 safety violations in the mine since 2004 according to the Huffington Post. Introduce a bunch of reporters to shiny new technology and even they can't focus on the issue at hand!

Everybody was all over Obama for threatening military intervention in Pakistan if Al Qaeda was not being dealt with effectively by the Islamic nation, but why is nobody talking about Hillary's plan to nuke Osama Bin Laden? Perhaps they'd like an aggressive slogan to mark their campaign ambitions. The Democratic Party 2008--Don't Call Us Weak or Trigger Shy.

Baseball news abounded over the past 24 hours, with Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto dying, Baseball Prospectus determining that Barry Bonds couldn't hold Babe Ruth's jock strap and Atlanta manager Bobby Cox setting the all-time record for ejections. All of this excitement will keep me from acknowledging the Cubs pathetic reign in second place in the NL Central.

Finally, authorities in Kentucky have apprehended the dreaded Duct Tape Bandit, a criminal who covered his face in tape to conceal his identity while he robbed stores. It's a little late now, but I'm sure removing a ski mask from your face is far less painful than removing a thick layer of duct tape from your mug. Just ask your future cell mate. He should be able to give you some friendly advice (amongst other things).

The Final Answer Is...

Jack of All Trades Merv Griffin, the former talk show host who created "Jeopardy" and "Wheel of Fortune," died of prostate cancer Sunday. Griffin was so multi-talented, he even composed the Final Answer Jeopardy theme, a move that should no doubt allow him to live on forever in movie scenes where some dummy has to figure out something that is bleeding obvious in a drawn out, low comedy sequence.

The big news for the day centers around the resignation of Karl Rove, the White House linchpin. The Huffington Post blog criticized the excuse of "family reasons" for Rove's departure. Rove is giving Michael Vick ideas for how to put a public relations spin on his latest batch of trouble...family problems.

A humongous rally in Jakarta culminated with group calling for the resurrection of the Muslim caliphate, in essence creating a global Islamic state. Hopefully they have a plan for the faith's willful aversion to science and the seeming inability for Sunnis and Shi'a factions to get along in Iraq. Slate views Al Qaeda and Al Qaeda in Iraq as branches of the same bank, meaning there is one less hurdle to clear for the reactionary religion to turn the clock back to the year 800.

A report in the Christian Science Monitor reports on the defense attorneys for Jose Padilla accusing the terror investigators of causing the defendant's mental illness through their harsh interrogation and confinement techniques. Prosecutors are countering by calling Padilla's injuries fake, much like wounds sustained by Pacman Jones on TNA wrestling Sunday night.

Finally, if torturing prisoners doesn't upset the American people enough, perhaps the Congressionally-approved ability to secretly spy on Americans will get people up in arms. Most people haven't been tortured in a secret jail in Poland or Romania...but they have experienced that nagging, Big Brother feeling of being slowly choked of their individual liberties. Keep track, because many of the people running for election next term are responsible for passing this legislation. Payback can be a bi-yotch.

Tom Glavine is a Pacman of Victories

If you haven't gotten your fill of the Pacman, you can get your Adam Jones in the squared circle on Total Non-stop Action wrestling. The troubled football player is banned from the NFL for a year, and he has to keep the entourage thriving somehow, so he signed a contract with a minor league professional wrestling show on Spike. I'm curious if there is going to be a finishing move called the Pacman Powerbomb and why Maurice Clarett couldn't have gone into work in professional wrestling like Pacman rather than turn to a life of crime.

Bush signed into law the wiretapping program he has been operating unchecked since 9/11. The $60,000 question is, "Is anybody going to do anything about the illegal surveillance they were performing before the law was signed?" Judging from the things this administration has gotten away with thus far, you probably know the answer to that one.

There are 190,000 AK-47s and pistols provided by the United States in Iraq that are missing or unaccounted for according to a report in the Washington Post. This stockpile makes up 30 percent of the guns which were meant for security forces but undoubtedly were used to kill American soldiers or cause some other kind of American-funded domestic disturbance in Iraq. More guns are bad news for troops, who the defense secretary Robert Gates predicted would continue to be in Iraq for some time. The rosiest story coming out of Iraq today is the tale of the death of the jerk-off who blew up the Samarra mosque, proving at least one group is using American weapons against the correct people.

The L.A. Times details the contentious relationship between the parties in Congress, a relationship which should only continue to fester when the members return from summer break. I'm always in to watch a bunch of windbags battle it out for agenda setting authority.

Russia is flaunting the finders/keepers techniques of the ancient explorers, planting a flag on the floor of the ocean in an area they believe holds oil reserves. If that's how they're playing, I'm bringing my flags and claiming Anna Kournikova and Maria Sharapova before Russia gets a chance to claim them in the name of the Kremlin.

NASA makes it a point to maintain cleanliness to the point of obsession in order to prevent introducing harmful organisms to the environment on Earth and Mars. Now they just have to quit drinking before the missions or even use some of the booze as a disinfectant in order to make it look like they really care about safety.

The South African wine industry is beginning to shake off the shackles of Apartheid's legacy by including black winemakers into their business. In my opinion, however, whether it is made by red or yellow, black or white, Pinotage wines still taste like ass.

The biggest sports news of the day was Tom Glavine notching his 300th win against my Cubbies at Wrigley Field. The two side stories included the return of Kerry Wood, a pitcher who, if suspended in a formaldehyde solution and affixed with a bionic arm, would achieve his 300th victory in the year 3007. The other story was that Alfonso Soriano, the spark for the Cub offense, will be out two to four weeks with a quad strain, proving that only the Cubs could harvest a depressing story out of a 300th win.

News Break

It's getting easier and easier to tackle Michael Vick. Perhaps he should attempt to move himself out of the way of all this controversy before the league takes him out for good.

Speaking of easy targets, a federal appeals court has ordered the U.S. to turn all Gitmo information over to those who are challenging their detentions in the controversial facility. It is definitely time for somebody to make contact with the pitch before the bleeding obvious goes down.

The U.S.A. isn't the only country whose decision making is being called into question by the judicial system. Whipping boy Pervez Musharraf had his decision to remove chief justice Iftikhar Chaudhry from office overturned. The move is expected to further erode the embattled President's base of support. Musharraf is learning in much the same way that Tony Blair did how ineffective siding with Generalissimo Bush can be.

Israel has attempted to bolster the credibility of Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas by freeing 250 prisoners. Only in the Middle East and Paul Brown Stadium do more criminals give you a better chance at victory.

Mariane Pearl, widow of journalist Daniel Pearl, has filed a lawsuit against those responsible for the crime of murdering Daniel in Pakistan. She is suing a bank that she alleges is responsible for orchestrating and supporting the senseless act. In all of my future endeavors, my banking centers will not have blood on their hands as it will make me feel guiltier than usual when I'm paying my bills.

Democratic representatives in the legislature have been forced to push back voting reforms until the 2012 election. Based upon the last two Presidential elections coupled with the current batch of Republican candidates, the only chance the Republicans have to win the 2008 election is to push election reform back to 2012.

Google owns just about everything, and if they have their way, they'll be a Google phone coming soon to a theater near you. Google is proposing changes in the legislation regarding cell phone use. The next step is most likely for Google to send somebody over to your house to hang out and monitor you all day, thus effectively giving Google control over everything you do.

The Los Angeles Times profiled a family from New Hampshire who refuses to pay taxes and is challenging the government to come and get the back taxes. I have to admire the Bruce Campbell-like tenacity of some people's convictions.

Finally, NBA referee Tim Donaghy got in a bit of trouble when he was snared in a federal investigation alleging he made calls in games in order to influence the point spread for mobsters who were involved in gambling. I don't know for sure, but I bet that his career is over. Odds are he is a complete screw up. I'd wager his next job is going to be getting fouled by his cell mate.

Battling Defeat

Well, I'm back from the Windy City. Pitchfork was great. I'll have pictures of me enjoying Powerhouse Sound, Grizzly Bear and Battles up soon. I ate well. Zealous and Michael are fantastic. I will also post these pictures and reviews of these restaurants soon. I'll get this all ready for your enjoyment soon.

The USA Today starts off with the military requesting vehicles made to withstand the increasingly deadly improvised explosive devices in Iraq years ago, but Robert Gates and his predecessors at the Pentagon decided there were more important considerations to make in Iraq. The mounting evidence to the contrary finally forced Gates to change his mind. The Department of Defense and its protocol are the only type of oversight that makes the NFL's policy on concussions look humane.

Pakistan's longstanding truce is in jeopardy, and the government may have lost the tenuous agreement they had with tribal leaders. Al Qaeda is establishing control in Pakistan, and a U.S. plan to quash the problem with a torrent of money is being met with great skepticism. The problems in Pakistan may stream across the border and create greater problems for our troops fighting the "war on terror" in Afghanistan. It isn't like things have been going well since we packed up and sent half of the troops' support to fight unprepared in Iraq.

U.N. inspectors have confirmed that North Korea has shut down a controversial nuclear reactor. Kim Jong-il still reserves the right to antagonize and annoy anybody who will stand around and listen to his ramblings.

The Democrats are running away from the Clinton years much like every Presidential candidate is running from the current Bush administration. Candidates are advocating an economic policy that supports the people more than big business. Since I am a person and not a big business, I support it. When I get in an upper tier tax bracket, I reserve the right to reconsider.

The Los Angeles chapter of NAMBLA (a.k.a. the Catholic archdiocese) is coming under more fire after their record $660 million dollar settlement to victims of priest-driven molestation. The Cardinal was slated to testify in the law suit brought against the Los Angeles archdiocese, but he quashed that chance by reaching the costly settlement. I wonder how the churchgoers feel about financially supporting a religious order's taste in young boys and irresponsible sex.

The threat of crushing royalty rates were stopped at the last minute with the future of independent internet radio hanging in the balance. Keep track of this issue before internet radio starts to sound like stale commercial radio. Your grandmother's playlist looks a lot like the Clear Channel playlist.

Finally, the Boo Birds finally got their due when Philadelphia lost their 10,000 baseball game, becoming the first team to reach that dubious distinction. Much like a Philly fans in the postseason, I'm sure that ownership celebrated by drinking themselves into oblivion.

The Seven Blunders of the World

It is official. The votes are in for the New 7 Wonders of the World. Some of the wonders were shoo-ins. Some were more controversial. I feel that the omission of Jessica Alba's body was a grave oversight. According to the rules, the submission had to be discovered by the year 2000, and that was the year Dark Angel was on TV, so problem solved.

As many as 150 people were killed in a suicide bombing 100 miles north of Baghdad Saturday. The attack was estimated to be the most devastating of the year. This should continue the ever-shortening yardstick for success in Iraq (the Bush administration has pared the yardstick down to a trim six inches by now, and it's growing shorter by the day).

On the other terror front, the NYTimes is reporting that U.S. forces aborted a planned attack against the upper hierarchy of Al Qaeda in Pakistan in 2005. This marks the second time our energies in Afghanistan were called off at the last minute when they were getting close to the upper echelon of Al Qaeda, and the first time the Bush administration has supported abortion.

Always one to drag his feet, Bush is refusing to turn over Congressionally required documents related to the partisan terminations of nine U.S. attorneys. He IS the President, and apparently he can take his ball and go home.

Dick Cheney's fingerprints keep coming out more clearly on the issue of indefinite detentions. Cheney is under so much pressure at this point that he's hoping for Bush to make some embarrassing public gaffe to get people's attention focused on somebody who isn't named Dick Cheney.

The Red Mosque standoff in Pakistan continues to be at an impasse. The men leading the mosque are under criminal investigations and are described as "hardened terrorists" by investigators. The Al Qaeda linked group is holding hostages and threatening to commit suicide rather than being captured, two activities that won't do much to soften their image as criminal scum.

Fred Thompson is on record proving he can play for both sides, even in the Watergate hearings. Thompson, who cut his teeth turning the screws to Nixon in public committees, is recorded on the ocean of Nixon tapes and named as a sympathetic supporter. Nixon also calls the Law and Order star "dumb as hell" but willing to cooperate. Who knew Arthur Branch would compromise his ethics so?

Sports news today centered around people beating the crap out of each other. IBF heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko TKOed Lamon Brewster in six rounds Saturday night in Germany. Even better, Klitschko beat Brewster with a broken hand. The big money UFC fight between Tito Ortiz and Rashad Evans was a draw, proving that all of the hype that mixed martial arts was pushing boxing to the fringes of society might have been a bit premature.

Rolling Around in the Gravel

If you had no idea who Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Gravel was before today, make sure to check out his compelling (and crazy) campaign video. Mike, I vote for you as the only Democratic candidate who can pull off McCain crazy. Congrats!

U.S. Diplomats in Iraq (i.e. the people who drew the shortest possible straw on President Bush's diplomatic assignment day) are complaining that they are vulnerable as construction of their fortified new embassy has hit numerous delays. The embassy (price tag: $592 million) has had many safety mistakes in the construction of the facility. The most notable of these safety mistakes is putting your half billion dollar embassy in Baghdad.

Strikes against radical militants at a mosque in Pakistan continue. More than 700 have surrendered and 19 have been killed in a siege at the Red Mosque. The sect showed very strong evidence of its radical roots when its leader Maulana Abdul Aziz was captured...in drag. Pervez Musharraf had better watch out. He can probably contain radical Islam, but he doesn't want to rile the radical cross-dressing sub-sect of Islam.

On the heels of Sicko and on the approach of another Presidential election, the NYTimes characterizes the different health plans for each of the Presidential hopefuls. The best health care plan I can visualize involves Clinton and Giuliani staying home on election day so my heart doesn't get crushed by candidate banality.

Hamas in confident that it can control Palestinian territory after the organization secured the release of journalist Alan Johnston. Israel later killed 11 in Gaza to remind to Hamas who is really in control.

The Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has recently run into a couple of problems. In the movies, he could beat the tar out of the bad guys or blow them away with automatic weapons or even destroy them with clever one-liners. However, his stage persona is nothing compared to the power of number crunchers who found that Arnie finances his lavish travel arrangements by offering generous tax refunds to those who give him free travel and accommodations. Arnold might be back, but who knows if he can climb out of the controversy.

The most important sports news is that the Russian city of Sochi won the bid for the 2014 Winter Olympics. I was relieved to hear this news, because now I know what country they will be broadcasting the Winter Olympics from when I am busy not watching it.

Candymakers danced the dance of joy when researches connected dark chocolate consumption with lower blood pressure. Just keep telling yourself that, fatty.

News of the Weird covers a week's worth of crazy stories, and few were crazier than the paternity case involving a woman who slept with identical twins on the same day. (If the link doesn't match, the story will be here.) Both men are matches for paternity, and the brother being dragged to court is naturally blaming his twin. Bro, don't do me like that!

Eating Turned Up to Eleven

From Kobayashi's arthritic jaw to strokes caused by eating hard boiled eggs to death by bread and water, the sport of competitive eating is creating a new line of injuries that have a longer history then one might expect. With the titan of the sport on the sidelines with his injured jaw, the competition can be won by any number of fat, despicable slobs from Brooklyn rather than by a skinny Japanese dude. People will watch if anybody really cares about competitive eating.

Real scandal rolled in as expected with George Bush commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby. The decision was made without consulting his staff or the Justice department. Democrats were openly critical of the move, which keeps the felonious pawn out of prison while still keeping his record spotted. Bush might want to get Cheney in court and convicted now so he can pardon him before another administration gets a chance to make him serve real prison time.

Anarchy in the Middle East leads off with U.S. officials fingering Iran for killing five U.S. troops in Iraq. The military record is one in a long line that ties Iran to militant activity in Iran. If the place doesn't look bad enough with the influences attacking from outside the country, the Christian Science Monitor reports that bribes and militant groups are being used in Iraq to get kids through school. I don't know what this means for Iraq, but if I find a militia wandering around the streets of Athens, my thesis will be done this afternoon.

New names keep coming up in the Glasgow bombing case, and many of these names have the abbreviation Dr. before their name. Eight people have been arrested in the case and three are medical professionals. If these people had to work in the U.S. health care system, imagine how irate they would be! The attempts may be a model for future U.S. attacks, suggesting that Michael Moore's "Sicko" might also have touched off a nerve domestically.

Ohio University's board of trustees has put embroiled President Roderick McDavis on a short leash, extending his term for one more year. The only way the board could have selected a less popular man for President would have been to appoint George W. Bush Athens' new Decider-in-Chief.

On the music front, renowned soprano Beverly Sills died of lung cancer at the age of 78. Me and the other two opera fans have been crushed by the news.

Finally, people who have way too much money on their hands will be excited by the news that they can bid on a dinner date with Spinal Tap and Rob Reiner. Bidding started at $2,000 and got up to $5,000.52 as of press time on the eBay Web site. This information will push the stupid memorabilia purchasing knob up to 11.

King Arthur Might Need Those Knights

The United Kingdom is under siege. The terror alert is at its highest level. The knights such as Lancelot and Elton John may be dispatched if anybody else so much as moves. Since the car bomb/flaming SUV attack, another car has been blown up in a controlled explosion as a security measure in Glasgow. The United States offered support by saying to the British: We told you so. This confirms the hypothesis that hindsight is always 20/20, but doesn't help to explain why our all-knowing intelligence didn't make a bigger deal out of the plot.

One of the top stories in the Washington Post explains the tension in the relationship between George Bush and Vladimir Putin. One of the major problems between the two men stems from the fact that Putin believes that his dog trumps Bush's lapdog Barney. The relations might warm if Bush adopted a few of Mike Vick's pit bulls and went to Moscow to kick Vlad Putin and his labrador's ass.

Mother Russia unleashed a torrent of unemployed scientists after the collapse of the Soviet Union. The U.S. is harnessing that potential by using a former Soviet germ warfare expert to shape bioterrorism policy. I get a warm feeling inside when I realize that my tax money is paying a guy who used to have the job of figuring out how to modify smallpox genetically in order to achieve the maximum killing potential.

America is trying to control another kind of questionable import--Chinese goods. Tainted goods from China illustrate how interconnected China is with the rest of the world, from the pet food deaths of a few months ago to more than 100 deaths due to counterfeit Chinese glycerine in Panama. I control this another way--I make sure all of the soy sauce and Chinese style mustard I buy is made in Cincinnati.

Glenn Greenwald blogs about the disturbing media trend of taking military reports at face value. The example he gives was picked up worldwide. The military killed 17 civilians and buried the story by identifying the slain as Al-Qaeda operatives when they were in fact 17 citizens caught in the crossfire. Apparently the only battle that the military is coming out on top of is the public relations war with the (alleged watchdog) media.

The L.A. Times previews the new sports black market must-have item: Cuban baseball players. A sports agent was busted for this activity recently, but if he can send a Cuban starting pitcher and outfielder to the Cubs, I think he should be released on time served.

Wimbledon is half over, and Sports Illustrated is issuing grades. Anybody who isn't betting Roger Federer gets an F in my book.

The Associated Press covers the disturbing trend of professional wrestlers dying young. It seems unbelievable that people would die young in an activity where they take steroids, break people's necks, slam people through tables, cut each other with barbed wire and thumb tacks, and hit each other over the head with steel chairs. But if the Associated Press says it's so, it must be so.

The iPhone Martyr

Hamas TV finally found a way to end negotiations with Disney about their Mickey Mouse knockoff Farfour. Farfour met his end, becoming the first martyr on children's television. Israel responded promptly with air strikes that, while not aimed at stopping the Kenny-like resurrection of Martyr Mouse, probably should be.

Police in London located and disabled two car bombs one day before two men in a flaming SUV drove directly into a Glasgow airport terminal. The incident led to heightened security stateside. As long as David Beckham and his enormous contract are in good condition, the situation should be fine.

After a few months on the DL, the Supreme Court has returned to the mainstream. The NYTimes reports that the newly-minted Roberts court with the well-trained legal beagle Samuel Alito has shifted to the right. Many decisions are split 5-4, with Kennedy acting as the tiebreaker. The New Republic details the ideological divide between the conservative jurists. One of the biggest sticking points between the old-guard conservatives and the new blood is that Clarence Thomas has much rougher taste in porn compared to Alito and Roberts.

That same court will be re-deciding the Gitmo issue soon. If it's anything but a 9-0 decision in opposition of the issue of indefinite detentions, impeach every justice in support of Guantanamo and make them serve an indefinite detention there until they see it the right way.

Since the news is all legal today, Germany is considering overturning all decisions of execution for treason during the Nazi era. Since all of those sentenced have already been executed, it is unclear what this action would accomplish. If anybody buys into it, though, it might be a spectacular plan for utilizing sleight of hand tricks in rebuilding America's future post-Bush diplomatic efforts.

Joel Siegel, the ABC film critic who could make or break a film on ABC News, lost his long battle with cancer. It was probably best before he got an opportunity to be exposed to Ocean's 14.

He also was lucky enough to go before witnessing the carnage that is people stupid enough to wait 15 hours in line for an iPhone. That should be doubly good if the iPhone is not as cool as advertised.

He's Got a Puncher's Chance

The Cubs have shipped Michael Barrett off to San Diego for scrap metal. As displayed in the above photograph, thanks for the memories, Michael.

The proposed Mexican border fence is expected to alter the routines of many people, including Americans who aren't traveling to Mexico. It's amazing that our government can get motivated to build a fence to control immigration while earlier being incapable of putting any real effort into building the levee in New Orleans.

British officials have approached fighting terrorism by employing Muslims who are fluent in Arabic to work in anti-terrorism. This is a stark contrast to the United States, where President Bush expects all terrorists to speak in English so he doesn't have to use tax money to educate his intelligence forces. The city of Cincinnati and its football team could benefit from this approach by hiring former criminally-minded Bengal Corey Dillon to be the new sheriff in town.

Michael Bloomberg is promising not to be the only New York douche bag in the 2008 election. He cut ties with the Republican party, paving a path for the reclusive billionaire to run as an independent candidate. If Clinton, Giuliani and Bloomberg offer a trifecta of New Yorkers to vote for President, I'm voting Libertarian or Communist, whichever party Bloomberg isnt affiliated with.

Hillary Clinton announced her campaign theme song in a You Tube spot that parodied the recent "Sopranos" finale. The final episode of the mafia drama left a lot of the series uncertain and open to interpretation. It's too bad that we know Hillary's campaign prospects weren't whacked at the end of the You Tube episode.

Archeologists have identified the Americas' first gun shot victims. The Spanish conquistadors hunted down a band that resisted their occupation in Peru in 1536. Police have been contacted, and it is not clear what Pacman Jones' alibi was during the aftermath of the siege of Lima.

Microsoft caved in and agreed to allow changes to the way the much lamented Vista operates. As soon as they agree to allow changes that include building a new, not-Vista operating system and replacing the old Vista piece of junk for me, I agree to stop complaining about Vista's shortcomings.

You'll Find Germs in the Strangest Places

The NBA Finals are finally set, and Cleveland only needed minimal input from King James to put away the flailing Pistons. As a Bulls fan, pretty much all I have at this point is that Jordan never lost an NBA Finals, so LeBron has only that small obstacle to overcome to crown himself as the next great thing. Of course, he lives in a 35,000 square foot mansion, so I'm sure nothing I can say will really take him down a peg.

Three of the four terrorist plotters are in custody while the fourth suspect is being hunted like a dog in the street. The plotters aimed to destroy a large portion of Queens with jet fuel and explosives. Unfortunately the suspects are not baseball knowledgeable. If they read the box scores, they would see the Mets are doing fine, in first place in the National League East. If they wanted to try something productive, Steinbrenner might let them blow up the Bronx so that he could start over from scratch after his insurance policy injured his groin.

The Washington Post issued a report detailing the increasing sophistication of weaponry being used against U.S. troops in Iraq. Unfortunately for our troops, the executive branch of government will not get any more sophisticated for the next 19 months, assuming it gets any sharper at all.

If the Oval Office does indeed sharpen up in 2008, it won't be because of the Law and Order candidate Fred Thompson. Thompson has come out as a strong defender of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the scapegoat for Plamegate who was convicted of four counts of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements. I'm not sure if Johnny Cochran could have weasled his way through that argument and kept a straight face.

Senate immigration legislation was passed through a patchwork quilt of non-partisan alliances. It is amazing how rapidly the legislative branch can form a network to make decisions about less-than-critical issues. Imagine how well this country would run if they could do that with something like, oh, say Iraq.

Voters in Arizona should have all the fuel they need to derail Senator Jon Kyl. On top of all of the immigration time wasting, Kyl was finally unmasked as the secret Senator who threw a monkey wrench in the works of improved freedom of information legislation. The information I would like to get freely is this: What kind of state would elect both John McCain and this totalitarian nimrod to the Senate at the same time?

Strange news starts off in San Diego, where guests staying at the Ivy Hotel can enjoy a room with a beautiful view...of the group shower and the fireman's pole. Trying to compete with lavish offerings in tourist destinations like Las Vegas, the place is trying to offer guests something a little out of the ordinary. It's too bad that the Yankees play in the American League, because if they played the Padres more often, I'm sure Jeter and A-Rod could make that place jump.

And if the picture of Jeter and Rodriguez slamming groupies in a rented room on bunk beds doesn't disgust you enough, perhaps you could try the Snopes report on the filthy, disgusting germs that lurk on your shopping cart handles. As long as they keep the cart germs out of my rented suite at the Ivy Hotel, I'll be fine carrying all of my groceries by hand for the rest of my hypochondriac life.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I wouldn't be the first person ever to accuse the Cubs of being unlucky. One day after pitcher Carlos Zambrano knocked out his battery mate Michael Barrett in a fight that went from the dugout to the clubhouse, manager Lou Pinella was ejected for one of his signature dirt kicking tirades. Jay Mariotti might have gotten it right about the team...what a bunch of Lou-sers.

If you think that Wrigley Field is the only spot with calamitous violence in this news cycle, think again. There were more than 100 German police officers injured in a riot that erupted in reaction to the G-8 summit meeting in the Fatherland. If nothing else, the opponents of globalization will be contributing to the coffers of those who work in the medical and automobile repair industries. The score for now is Corporate Culture 1, Radical Reform Movement 0. We will keep you updated on any changes as they occur.

Not to be outdone in violence, a U.S. warship was blowing the crap out of a Somali militant hotbed today. You have to like being able to bomb somebody to the dark ages while floating around at sea. If I had that ability, I'd be drinking margaritas on the deck while floating off the coast of Los Angeles, lobbing cruise missiles at as many of the Spellings, Baldwins and their ilk as possible on board my imaginary warship.

Violence even spilled back into New York today, with federal agents breaking up a plan to blow up jet fuel lines at JFK airport. There hasn't been a bomb scare like this in New York since the Yankees put Carl Pavano on the disabled list. That bomb, followed by A-Rod's marriage bomb and Giambi's amphetamine bomb make this an explosive, if unproductive Yankees team.

The 2008 election is fast approaching, which means all the loonies are putting their hats into the ring. Fred Thompson, a.k.a. district attorney Arthur Branch on "Law and Order," has formed a fundraising committee for his campaign. Nobody knows what he stands for, nor do they really care, but if he gets Jack McCoy to be Attorney General and Mariska Hargitay to be Vice President, he has my vote. (And don't laugh...you might remember the last time the Republicans ran an actor for President.)

Also running for the Republican nomination is Ron Paul, a libertarian eccentric who is opposed to...basically every Republican value. I may not be a campaign planner, but it seems that going against what has become standard Republican protocol might be the only way of winning an election. And no, nominating a Mormon rather than an old-fashioned Baptist is not enough against the grain.

The NY Times continues with more government action to clean up the fiasco that is student loans. Hopefully when that gets fixed, they can lend Ron Paul some money to make the Presidential debates that much more interesting.

In professional football news (the football they kick with their feet rather than throw with their hands), Cristiano Ronaldo was named player of the year and young player of the year in professional soccer. Before he even got the trophies, the Yankees and the Cubs were on the phone, learning how to ask, "Can you throw a baseball?" in Portuguese.