Imus and the Mourning

He's back (in black, even). Don Imus, the human race riot of the air waves, returned to the radio with two African American comedians as part of his zoo crew (charade). The question is this: if a racist windbag makes halfhearted apologies on the air and nobody tunes in to listen, does he make a sound?

The big story of the day involves U.S. officials reporting that the Iranian nuclear program is shut down for the time being and that they are not a short term threat to produce nuclear weapons. President Bush remains undeterred, saying American policy will remain unchanged despite the reports. He might justify an invasion based upon a new Iranian policy to crack down on hip hop. Bush never let contrary evidence dissuade him from his strongly held but ideologically flawed plans in the past, so this should be business as usual.

Gillian Gibbons, the teacher involved in the Sudanese blasphemous teddy bear fracas, has spoken about this ordeal after she returned home to Britain. Whatever her message, I'm sure that her testimony will not be utilized in tourist videos promoting vacations to Sudan.

Now that the G.O.P. and the Dems have both held Web 2.0 debates, critics say that the format is here to stay. By 2020, Max Headroom may in fact be the leading candidate for President of the United States.

Rolling Stone's latest feature details the elements that led to the abysmal failure that is the war on drugs. This article breaks down the failures of American drug regulation that birthed a culture that would create a drug called "butt hash."

And I'll finish up with a new media report about the stalker engine/social networking outlet Facebook and its latest battle with privacy advocates. Coming on the heels of the controversial opt-out tracking program Beacon are the reports of Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg losing his legal appeal to have a Harvard-associated publication take down less than flattering documents about his past in a move aimed at giving the young mogul a feeling of the shoe-on-the-other-foot feeling that goes along with Facebook-style privacy concerns. If Zuckerberg doesn't focus his company on benefiting the consumer using his product, he'll be losing Facebook friends faster than the people in charge of college loans.

Wrestling the News

Traffic accidents are now going Hollywood...Hogan. Apparently Nick Bollea, Hulk Hogan's son, was driving like a real American when Bollea was charged with reckless driving after he was in a car wreck that came after he was racing another vehicle. The accident led to serious brain injury to the passenger riding with Bollea. Little Hogan is dropping a serious Atomic Leg Drop on the Hogan P.R. machine!

The war on terror is entering the realm of unintended consequences, with the U.S.A. Today reporting that 15,000 people may be unfairly caught in the dragnet that is the terror list, and these innocent people are unable to get their names off the black ball list. Who knows how they are going to solve this quandary, and who knows how they are going to get Don Imus, Rosie O'Donnell and Dog the Bounty Hunter added to the list? I wish them all the best of luck.

Congress has finally banded together and overridden a veto by George W. Bush. This particular bill addressed water, education, labor and veterans programs, and it marked the first successful challenge to the Presidential veto during Bush's tenure. Now all Congress has to do is oppose an issue that means more to me than water issues, education, labor and veterans programs--like Iraq, maybe?

Pervez Musharraf's crackdown in Pakistan has missed one outlet in his nation's communication sphere--the internet. Pakistanis thirsty for information are increasingly turning to the Web to get information in the turbulent country. I wonder if the Pakistani Drudge Report is as reliable of a source of information as the domestic Drudge Report.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Alan Colmes voice of opposition in the Middle East, is continuing to thumb his nose at American interests after he announced that 3,000 centrifuges were being used in Iran to enrich uranium that could be used to fuel nuclear reactors or a nuclear bomb. Americans are threatening further sanctions if Iran doesn't change course, and Ahmadinejad is threatening to deliver the commencement speech at Columbia this summer if Bush doesn't reconsider his position.

The Hollywood writers strike has not only screwed the fans of sit-coms, talk shows and other programs. Now, it might start to screw the other people that work on the sets of these programs, from cameramen to grips, from lighting to catering services. As long as geniuses like Charlie Sheen and Aaron Spelling can still eat, I'm sure most people in L.A. won't lose any sleep over the issue.

Hall of Fame coach Don Shula is suggesting that if the Patriots finish the season undefeated, there should be an asterisk next to the record because of the Pats' role in the Spygate incident. I wonder if the holder of the sans asterisk record has any reason to be biased about the accomplishment.

Finally, in what must be the most bizarre story of the day, two college students were arrested for kidnapping and assaulting a teenager who owed them money for drugs. The two students burned the victim with freshly baked cookies, spanked him with a paddle, poured urine on him and shaved part of his head in an effort to get money from the person. According to future Attorney General Michael Mukasey, the acts are not torture in his humble opinion because the kid probably deserved it. Mukasey characterized the actions as essential in the war on terror. He was quickly confirmed by Congress, later waterboarding the pot money out of the kid and giving it back to the two poor frat boys.

Cycling the News Cycle

Floyd Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title in a move that came as a surprise to nobody but Floyd Landis. I believe the story received way too much press because Landis and O.J. Simpson lack a certain characteristic called credibility, with Landis having the additional problem of competing in the only sport that could rival football in terms of being associated with steroids. Actually, Simpson has a better chance of being found innocent than Landis had based upon simple examination of facts. If somebody wants to put together a novel and enlightening article about the Tour, I would suggest trying to track down the guy in cycling who isn't on drugs in order to introduce me to an unknown quantity.

The Senate failed to pass a measure that would have been the first step in bringing troops home from Iraq. Come to think of it, I'm trying to remember the last time the Senate succeeded at anything. It was might have been recently, but I really can't put my finger on the exact date.

It was a great news day for loony world leaders and ideologues. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, had his request to lay a wreath at the memorial for 9/11 declined. He would have been received less warmly than Art Modell at a Cleveland Browns convention. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is ordering his countrymen to set their clocks back a half an hour in order to create more daylight. Notice to Chavez: Day light and school hours can be changed without the arbitrary time shifts. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. And everybody's favorite fundamentalist cretin Osama bin Laden has issued a call for attacks on Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf because of his actions against mosques in Pakistan and his cooperation with America. Musharraf countered by cutting off bin Laden's supply of beard dye.

Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather filed a $70 million law suit against his ex-employer for damaging his reputation in the wake of his termination. CBS might actually give him half of that if he'd agree to come back and take over for the ratings slump that is the Katie Couric experience.

If you haven't gotten your fill of election coverage yet, definitely check out the Slate piece about Mitt Romney's make-your-own campaign ad Web site. You can go ahead and insert any random Mormon joke and make it Mitt's campaign slogan. Bonus!

In sports news, I'm still baffled that Tank Johnson signed a new contract. Obviously character means little and talent means everything in the NFL. The most surprising fact is that the Cincinnati Bengals didn't sign Johnson after the Cleveland Steamers dropped a 51 spot on their defense. His character would have made Johnson a natural fit in the Queen city.

Finally, if Notre Dame didn't look bad enough playing football on the field this season, hopefully the burn of lost income at Bowl season will sting enough to make the school rethink its independent status. Even without a conference, Notre Dame will still finish the year in last place in its division.

Microsoft Drives Me Crazy

In what must be one of the saddest stories of all time, the cyber-pirate Microsoft Corporation lost its appeal and may be forced to pay a record €497 million court fine for anti-competitive practices in Europe. Bill Gates will get to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day with a giant, "Arrr, matey! Shiver me timbers!" after the European Union pillaged and plundered the booty in Gates' bank accounts.

The Federal Reserve cut key interest rates in a move designed to improve America's economy. Hopefully the new energy in the economy will generate enough scratch for Bill Gates to pay off the right people in Europe.

One of the day's most interesting stories was the L.A. Times piece on the multimillion dollar cache of fine art in Iran that is kept in a basement. The works of Picasso, Van Gogh, Pollock, Warhol, Monet, Pissarro and Bacon are kept in an underground room with the public unable to view the art because of political and religious concerns. Perhaps we could sell Iran some of our more modern artistic treasures like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan so they can also keep them hidden from public view.

Immigration and issues of illegal aliens come up in interesting places, including the fine wine industry, where wineries that require manual labor in order to harvest the best product are under strain because of tighter border security limiting their potential pool of workers. I don't know how many illegal immigrants it takes to make my favorite single vineyard California Pinot Noir, but if the quality of California wine goes down, I'll be more than happy to buy my single vineyard Pinot Noir from Burgundy.

Today's favorite conduit for controversy is Andrew Meyer, the University of Florida student who was subdued by police Taser in a video that was featured in a post here yesterday. Critics are starting to question his credentials as a journalist after reading some of his editorials that were basically senseless rants with little to no fact checking. Hey, famouswriterman, I guess Andy Warhol's prognostication of everybody having 15 minutes of fame was pretty accurate.

Also in regards to the difference between fame and infamy, the Dallas Cowboys signed embroiled defensive lineman Tank Johnson to a two-year contract. Luckily for Tank, he's more difficult to tackle and take down with a Taser than Andrew Meyer was, so the police will usually ask Johnson nicely to turn himself in when he's a wanted man. Unluckily for the NFL, Johnson is also a magnet for trouble. Hopefully he can stay out of jail long enough to face the Bears in the post-season.

Speaking of football players and felonies, Texas is leading the nation in players suspended and crimes (allegedly) committed this season after Coach Mack Brown suspended running back James Henry for being charged with two felonies in retaliation for a separate incident involving two other Texas football players and an (alleged) armed robbery. Mack Brown is allegedly the coach, and allegedly he recruited these felons, so if the University of Texas is indeed allegedly an institution of higher learning, they should fix some of these real problems before the governor calls the National Guard to take down your roving (and 6th- or 7th-ranked) gang of thugs.

Finally, in vegetarian news, Alicia Silverstone is getting naked to promote vegetarianism. It's good to see that her cruelty-free diet has helped her to shed some of that Batman weight. I have had a hankering for Silverstone since her appearance in the Aerosmith videos, so she does qualify as an animal product I would eat.

Flying High

Daredevil Steve Fossett, an adventurer who set a world record by flying a hot air balloon around the world, may have undertaken his final journey now that his plane has turned up missing in Nevada. I've seen some dangerous elderly drivers on the roadways in my day. I can hardly fathom the insurance premium on a 63-year-old who flies acrobatic planes for recreation. Let's hope for the best.

The White House sidestepped criticism of progress in Iraq by changing the benchmarks for success from a simple yes or no system to a system that adds a status of "partially met." This changes the rate from 15 of 18 benchmarks unachieved to a more modest rating that turns some of the failures into semantic success. Hopefully one of the benchmarks for success doesn't involve families in Iraq being forced to trade homes because of their religion, then later being forced to give up their home because of civil unrest like it does in today's Washington Post. That would definitely not qualify as a benchmark for success.

Everybody's favorite wide-standing Senator Larry Craig will fight the ethics charges against him and is rethinking the idea of resigning his seat in Congress. Senator Skeezy is resisting giving up his seat in Congress far more actively than he was resisting giving up his sex in the Minneapolis airport bathroom according to his guilty plea.

Lean times in Iran have allowed the nation's leaders to gain tighter control over the lives of its citizens according to the NYTimes. Some sources are predicting a that Iran is the next front in the floundering war on terror, while Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinejad believes his mathematical skill and faith in Allah foretell that the U.S. will not attack him because of his nuclear ambitions. No matter who is correct, it seems that everybody involved loses.

Everybody who thinks that Hugo Chavez is the craziest person in Venezuela obviously didn't read the article about practitioners of Santeria unearthing the bones of the dead in order to perform evil rituals. Unconfirmed reports have Michigan boosters casting as many hexes as possible at reviled Coach Lloyd Carr, hoping for a change of course that is greater than being the first team to drop out of the top 25 after starting the season ranked 5th.

Bad press typically comes in waves rather than in a gradual fashion. Check Russia for instance. The country took a special advertising section out in the Washington Post that appeared to be propaganda written by primary school children. Even when they are using public relations, Russia gets called to the mat. Let's hope the article about Russia and the Doomsday Machine is more conjecture than reality after reading the strategic prose in the Post.

But Russia's bad press has to take a seat to the reputation of absolute disaster that is China. Whether it's toys, pet food, copyright violations or coal mining, China has an awful story in all departments. Now, a prominent politician has drawn public scorn for plagiarizing his apology to a court of law. Maybe he should try some melamine appetizers before he gets sentenced in order to save the country any additional scrutiny.

A Little Duct Tape Will Fix Imus' Career

He's back! Don Imus, the racist windbag with a face ready made for radio, settled his wrongful termination suit with CBS, and is expected to return to terrestrial radio very soon. One of the Rutgers women's basketball players insulted by Imus has filed a defamation law suit against the Human Race Riot, complicating Imus' return to radio. Radio has gotten so bad at this juncture that Imus and his ugly mug actually look good on a broadcast billboard.

Four truck bombs exploded in the Kurdish region of Iraq, killing at least 250 people and injuring 350. This is obviously another installment in the continuing success story of the American involvement in Iraq.

The Axis of Evil is expanding now that the U.S. has designated Iran's Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organization. Like Bush said, "If you aren't with us, you're against us." It seems like less and less of the Middle East is with us.

Furthering the fruitless war on terror, the U.S. has expanded the use of satellites for the purpose of domestic espionage. With all of these new tools at their disposal, you'd think Congress would finally be able to crack Alberto Gonzales' wall of secrecy.

China does more every day to improve their commitment to quality with Mattel recently recalling millions of Chinese made toys that contained toxic chemicals. Made in China apparently is to quality what Made in a Sweatshop is to business ethics.

The mainstream media is giving plenty of reports about trying to save the miners in Utah, but they are ignoring the 324 safety violations in the mine since 2004 according to the Huffington Post. Introduce a bunch of reporters to shiny new technology and even they can't focus on the issue at hand!

Everybody was all over Obama for threatening military intervention in Pakistan if Al Qaeda was not being dealt with effectively by the Islamic nation, but why is nobody talking about Hillary's plan to nuke Osama Bin Laden? Perhaps they'd like an aggressive slogan to mark their campaign ambitions. The Democratic Party 2008--Don't Call Us Weak or Trigger Shy.

Baseball news abounded over the past 24 hours, with Hall of Famer Phil Rizzuto dying, Baseball Prospectus determining that Barry Bonds couldn't hold Babe Ruth's jock strap and Atlanta manager Bobby Cox setting the all-time record for ejections. All of this excitement will keep me from acknowledging the Cubs pathetic reign in second place in the NL Central.

Finally, authorities in Kentucky have apprehended the dreaded Duct Tape Bandit, a criminal who covered his face in tape to conceal his identity while he robbed stores. It's a little late now, but I'm sure removing a ski mask from your face is far less painful than removing a thick layer of duct tape from your mug. Just ask your future cell mate. He should be able to give you some friendly advice (amongst other things).

Bend It Like Bushie

For those of us who don't pay attention to the MLS (most if not all of America), David Beckham has landed. The New Republic does its best to blow through the hype and explain why Beckham is an overrated one trick pony. The opponents of that assertion believe that Beckham is to soccer what Michael Jordan was to baseball...an ambassador that will help sell minor league tickets.

War games strategies propose that a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq would lead to Iraq splintering into three states rather than Iraq becoming a pawn under the control of radical Iran. This runs contrary to White House predictions that exiting Iraq would create absolute anarchy. Prognostications from professionals never stop those in power from doing something crazy like throwing money at militant groups in Iraq to battle other militants. I don't know why I expected the will of the people and common sense to overrule Bush's tenacious disregard for the obvious.

The sand is dropping through the hour glass, and Bush needs to make it look like he accomplished something during his last four years in office. He has chosen the always popular peace in Israel plan as his new way of keeping busy. The betting pool involves picking what happens last--peace in Israel, peace in Iraq, or peace in Columbus, Ohio during the Michigan football game.

Two earthquakes in Japan caused leakage at a nuclear facility near Tokyo. According to cinematic tradition, it is now time for Mothra to battle Godzilla for domination of the island nation.

The L.A. Times profiled a Frenchman who spent years in Iranian jail after accidentally becoming mired in a territorial battle. The article, while critical of the shortcomings of the Iranian legal system, still leads one to believe that the only place preferable to Gitmo is in fact Iranian prison.

The Democrats and fiscal responsibility seem to be mutually exclusive, but campaign research shows that Clinton and Obama are balancing their budgets while the Republicans are raising less money and spending it irresponsibly. Apparently the new Republican party is socially conservative and fiscally retarded.

Russia and Great Britain are at odds, with Russia promising swift retribution to Britain expelling diplomats after officials stated that they would refuse the extradition of a Russian accused of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London. Analysts predict that this will escalate to the point where Lennox Lewis will have to fight Fedor Emelianenko to the death in order to determine which country is right.

Finally, if the idea of a bunch of jerkoffs winning millions playing poker doesn't upset you enough, perhaps the idea of paying to watch these jerkoffs win millions will truly irritate you. The only sporting events more boring than competitive poker will be played at the Home Depot Center with the team trying to bend it like Beckham.

Eating Turned Up to Eleven

From Kobayashi's arthritic jaw to strokes caused by eating hard boiled eggs to death by bread and water, the sport of competitive eating is creating a new line of injuries that have a longer history then one might expect. With the titan of the sport on the sidelines with his injured jaw, the competition can be won by any number of fat, despicable slobs from Brooklyn rather than by a skinny Japanese dude. People will watch if anybody really cares about competitive eating.

Real scandal rolled in as expected with George Bush commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby. The decision was made without consulting his staff or the Justice department. Democrats were openly critical of the move, which keeps the felonious pawn out of prison while still keeping his record spotted. Bush might want to get Cheney in court and convicted now so he can pardon him before another administration gets a chance to make him serve real prison time.

Anarchy in the Middle East leads off with U.S. officials fingering Iran for killing five U.S. troops in Iraq. The military record is one in a long line that ties Iran to militant activity in Iran. If the place doesn't look bad enough with the influences attacking from outside the country, the Christian Science Monitor reports that bribes and militant groups are being used in Iraq to get kids through school. I don't know what this means for Iraq, but if I find a militia wandering around the streets of Athens, my thesis will be done this afternoon.

New names keep coming up in the Glasgow bombing case, and many of these names have the abbreviation Dr. before their name. Eight people have been arrested in the case and three are medical professionals. If these people had to work in the U.S. health care system, imagine how irate they would be! The attempts may be a model for future U.S. attacks, suggesting that Michael Moore's "Sicko" might also have touched off a nerve domestically.

Ohio University's board of trustees has put embroiled President Roderick McDavis on a short leash, extending his term for one more year. The only way the board could have selected a less popular man for President would have been to appoint George W. Bush Athens' new Decider-in-Chief.

On the music front, renowned soprano Beverly Sills died of lung cancer at the age of 78. Me and the other two opera fans have been crushed by the news.

Finally, people who have way too much money on their hands will be excited by the news that they can bid on a dinner date with Spinal Tap and Rob Reiner. Bidding started at $2,000 and got up to $5,000.52 as of press time on the eBay Web site. This information will push the stupid memorabilia purchasing knob up to 11.

Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You

Here is a picture of the brains behind the brawn in the Oval Office. The only obstacle to Cheney being recognized as the Thinker to Bush's Decider is his refusal to admit that he is part of the Executive office. As the field of public relations has proven, if you can't win the argument, change the terminology.

Mother Jones detailed all of the possible steps that Congress could take to cut off Bush and Cheney's wet dream of a war with Iran before (or slightly after) it even begins. It's too bad they can't follow a detailed set of instructions (like the Constitution) to draw up impeachment procedure on the two goons before they hatch another brainstorm. Just do something before they have any more time to scheme their next brainchild.

Israel released 250 Fatah prisoners in a gesture aimed at strengthening the toothless Mahmoud Abbas. Gaza has deteriorated into a state of anarchy. The area is controlled by Hamas militants, and some are hoping that the effort might help secure the release of captured soldier Gilad Shalit and kidnapped journalist Alan Johnston. I keep trying to convince Israel to move the Western Wall to Utah and allow the Palestinians to have the Holy Land. After the next round of immigration reform stateside, Salt Lake City will be a much safer place than Gaza or the West Bank, and I'm sure John McCain could float the whole country at least five free immigration points towards becoming a permanent resident. The other benefit is that the surge in Jewish population would diversify the Mormon-heavy Utah, allowing the state to portray itself as a diverse community that accepts everybody.

Speaking of McCain legislation, the Supreme Court identified a new loophole in the McCain-Feingold Act that will allow corporations to fund political advertisements. I don't even want to think about what that will mean when Mark Cuban and his varied portfolio run for President in 2016. I'm hoping that the Coalition of People who Oppose Abortion and Love Donald Trump (COPOALDT) is piecing together commercials to submarine Cuban's chances.

Those who thought that Rupert Murdoch is only a little evil obviously missed today's article about his business dealings in China. At least China has the good sense to make sure that the Australian tycoon and his media business dealings in the country were miserable failures. China keeps its friends close and its enemies closer. The U.S. is a cheap hooker that will let you do anything for the right price.

Blogo-news is also invading the corporate landscape. Earlier posts in this blog referenced the strange logic that dictated when and where antitrust cases were raised, particularly in the cases of the Sirius/XM merger and the Whole Foods/Wild Oats merger. Whole Foods CEO John Mackey used the methodology employed by masterminds like Kobe Bryant and myself, blogging up a vindictive rant against the Federal Trade Commission that could harm his company's current merger case. Enjoy the ride, baby.

No matter if you are a CEO or a criminal, a King or Don King, a poet, a musician, an actor or just some dude from Quebec, you are probably involved in some way in the vortex of time wasting that is social networking. Those who are as well as those who aren't would be interested in the qualitative look at the differences between users of MySpace (me) and Facebook (me, also). The piece also determined that I am a loser for belonging to multiple electronic social networks.

CBS compiled its list of the 50 Biggest Sports Jerks. It's a good list. As usual, Maurice Clarett came up a little short. Gary Bettman might be a good choice. I believe that Carmelo "Sucker Punch" Anthony might also have earned a 48th or 49th place this year. Whatever demon is responsible for the Cubs and the last century of disappointment easily ranks somewhere in the top 50. It's a cruel beast with the body of a goat and the head of Steve Bartman that chokes on anything remotely tough. And it's a big jerk.

Just Because It's Sunday Doesn't Mean News Commentary Takes a Break

There is no rest for the weary on Sunday. The show must go on. You know the drill--here comes the satire.

President Bush is looking for analysis from a variety of sources on the troop surge and its effectiveness in Iraq. Instead of allowing only General Petraeus to explain the state of the union in his forthcoming report, Bush will look to many different sources to determine the success of the latest military endeavor.

It would have been fantastic if Bush attempted listening to many different sources on whether the country should have started this entire debacle in Iraq. I'm sure Steven King could write Bush up a rosy and slightly demented outlook on the effectiveness of the surge if he needs a pair of fresh eyes. His portrait might be less dire than that of the participants on the ground.

The man known as Chemical Ali, the first cousin of Saddam Hussein who used poisonous gas in attacks against the Kurds, was sentenced to death in Iraq along with two other men. The only Hussein loyalist yet to be tracked down at this juncture appears to be Weapons-of-Mass-Destruction Wallace, Saddam's former Minister of Paranoia who has yet to be photographed or even have his existence proven.

The warrantless wiretaps program has drawn one more critic; this time, it's a judge who authorized the wiretaps in the past. The only people left who approve of what the White House is doing at this point are employed by or have the last name Bush. Just check the numbers. More people approve of sandpaper enemas at this point.

Right before I got the opportunity to give Iran the Golden Sunshine for Human Rights award, Ahmadinejad had to go out and parade around his political and social dissenters in the streets. I'm particularly disturbed by the picture of the dude in the soccer gear sucking on a butt-washing vessel (since removed or moved). Since most of the competition for my award was disqualified based on past performance, I'm giving the award to Alec Baldwin based upon the famous phone call to his daughter.

Five U.N. Peacekeeping soldiers in Lebanon were killed by a remote bomb earlier today. These explosive devices, as well as land mines, everybody would agree, are terrible things. The only people who should be worrying about carefully planted destruction and remotely detonated character assassinations are probably forming exploratory committees right now.

I applaud the study that confirms what eldest children (myself included) have known all along--first children are smarter than other siblings. I just feel sorry for Jeb and Ashlee
after hearing George and Jessica speak.

Woke Up This Morning, Got Myself a Gun

I don't want to say that the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic, but the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic. No show spends more time teasing you and not accomplishing anything. Basically everything is still in play, and David Chase just delivered a stupid mindfuck of an ending. Just watch the next to last episode, then fast forward to the last 20 minutes of the finale and you'll be on the best possible journey.

If there was any question as to why Vista is eventually going to rule the world, look no further than the Times article about the Justice Department's unwavering support of Microsoft.
Justice may be blind, but it isn't immune to stylishly executed bribery to be sure.

The lack of response in Sudan from the U.S. could be connected to the U.S. reliance on the controversial country's services. Ahh, foreign diplomacy...the only place where you can have your cake and eat it too.

Continuing the cheap puns department, the Army is robbing Peter to pay Paul by arming the Iraqi Sunnis to battle the insurgency. The military sees a long-term occupation of Iraq, so at this point they'll try anything. Perhaps they should check into how popular past arms deals have been.

Joe Lieberman is busy trying to keep his place on the mantle as the Democratic loose cannon. The Holy Trinity of Wackos (George Bush, John McCain and Lieberman) are advocating strikes against Iran based upon the country's support of insurgents attacking American troops. I now know that that the entire cast of Kerry, Edwards and Lieberman in the last Presidential election was a bunch of dolts from top to bottom. I'm voting Kucinich this year.

Giuliani is apparently not loved by Black New York. It seems difficult to believe that a disingenuous man who supported everything and stood for nothing, repeatedly marrying and divorcing cousins all the while dressed like Marilyn Monroe would have trouble winning over voters of any race, ethnicity or gender.

The battle of the sexes got tilted in the favor of the ladies this weekend when filly Rags to Riches beat all the boys at the Belmont, the third jewel in horse racing's Triple Crown. Typically you have to staple me to a chair to get me to watch horses run around a track. The race was a photo finish, and the girl came in first. Trainer Todd Pletcher can check out the new-fangled anti-counterfeiting measures on his celebratory bottle of champagne.

Hopefully LeBron James, the Cavs or some viewers show up to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals, because these performances make curling seem intense.

Baywatch: Hasselhoff's Bathroom

Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.

Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.

Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.

Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.

Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.

In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.

Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."

Luol Deng torches Heat...film at 11.

Luol Deng torches Heat...film at 11.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates stopped just short of setting a withdrawal date for Iraq. As soon as Iraq gets the sectarian violence under control, trains troops to patrol and protect the country and finds a cure for Chagas disease, Gates pledges the American forces will leave (a welcome addition after their performance in Haditha). He refuses to mark the calendar because he wants your children's children's children to be paying for this exercise in democracy for years to come.

The Iranian high court exonerated six individuals who killed five people that were deemed to be "morally corrupt." If that defense were permissible in the United States, how many Baldwin brothers would we have left, really?

Speaking of Iranian/U.S. relations, part-time musician and full-time comedian/conservative war monger/Presidential candidate John McCain was winning friends and influencing people when he delivered an impromptu rendition of the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann" with the lyrics "Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran." That's a great way to win the voters who won't vote for John Edwards after his vigorous campaigning in Second Life video games. You can't win them all, and with these masterminds vying for office, everybody involved loses.

Apparently it was illegal for a deranged psychopath with a propensity for stalking college girls and a history of writing literature with references to incest and murder to purchase a hand gun. It was also illegal for him to buy two hand guns after his stint in the care of mental health professionals. Of course, these factors plus the Virginia Tech mass murder are not enough to get the Republicans or the Democrats to talk about gun law reform. Oh well. At least they'll still carry voters in the South.

Ohio University continues to dominate the (bad) news. OU graduate James Filiaggi sent in a last minute appeal for clemency after the governor refused his appeal from the murder of his wife. I haven't seen a Bobcat get beat up by the legal system like this since...football season.

In environmental news, a Stanford study determined that ethanol-powered vehicles would pose a threat to human health if widely used. They suggest moving out of the L.A. smog and to keep burning fossil fuels like a good little consumer.

In governmental news of the strange, NASA is becoming the new Post Office with a standoff that ended with a Nasa-employed gunman killing an engineer before turning the gun on himself. This comes a month after the diaper incident, so I'm thinking that the ranks of NASA aren't much better than the ranks of Republican Presidential candidates.

I don't know much about this particular case other than the fact that the guy is accused of some heinous crimes. Just looking at his mug shot, something tells me he will be found guilty.

Finally, I haven't spent any time hyping Pitchfork Fest, but since Slint, Sonic Youth and the GZA will be performing entire albums on Friday while a host of other indie mega acts fills up Saturday and Sunday, I should start now. As somebody who went last year, I guarantee it will be $50 well spent.

God Bless You, Mr. Vonnegut

The Greatest Living American Novelist is no longer Kurt Vonnegut. Good luck equaling him, whoever next steps up to the plate. Whoever approaches him as a writer will have to do much in life to equal him as a human being. May your afterlife be as productive and fulfilling as your life, Mr. Vonnegut. Bless you and your piercing insight.

You are a wampeter, an object on which many unrelated people's lives are centered. I can tell myself foma, harmless little lies that won't bring you back. A writer like myself hopes not to become part of a grandfalloon in your absence and any attempt for me to find my voice in writing is eternally in your debt.

About the news...so it goes. Al Qaeda groups are linked to a bombing in Algeria that claimed 24 lives. The event highlights a struggle between Islamic and secular groups in Algeria. British soccer fans are irate that the bomb was not aimed a few hundred miles north in the middle of France.

In other hater news, U.S. military officials are renewing accusations of Iranian assistance being provided to Iraqi insurgents. Since American officials needed sheer speculation to start a war with Iraq, the cruise missiles should start dropping in about two weeks.

Further around the Axis of Evil wheel is the report of a U.S. inquiry and subsequent asset freezing of an account in a Chinese bank in the gambling center of Macao. Officials suspected the bank was laundering money for North Korea. These moves stalled North Korea's joining in peace negotiations about their nuclear ambitions. The U.S. sees negative potential from the money, while Kim Jong Il I'm sure claims that he earned the money when he wrote six Wagner-quality operas and that the money is his. Nobody may ever know who is telling the truth.

Don Imus is gone. Good riddance. Just remember Don, free speech isn't free when you pay with your job.

David Sedaris of the Washington Post has come under fire for fabrications in his humor columns. He has also received an unwaivering degree of support from other journalists. Nick Bakay, Kenny Mayne, the author of this column and journalists with a sense of humor might care for an answer. (That answer is truth counts no matter how funny it is, David S., especially in the Washington Post.)

There are indications of a medical procedure that makes chemotherapy more targeted and less toxic in a development reported as a breakthrough in oncology. Keep that number on speed dial.

In a slightly dated report, the Google Earth/Darfur project should provide Bush a computerized model of what is going on in Sudan, but I don't know if that will help. Hopefully another world leader catches on.

Heavyweight boxing might not be exciting like the good old days, but freak-show 7 foot tall 326 pound champion Nikolai Valuev is fighting a challenger who is 11 inches shorter and 101 pounds lighter than he is. David, meet Goliath.

Mike Downey takes on a dome on Wrigley, Dannielynne, Soriano, Bonds, Sosa, Cuban and Bartman in one column. If you can think of a joke punchline that involves all of those characters, comment on the blog here.

Crazy stories that have no news value but are always amongst the most e-mailed include the Lantern story about the 18 year police veteran who gave a presentation on legalizing drugs. The T-shirt and cowboy hat cement his credibility.

Speaking of drugs, British police raided a Rastafarian temple once visited by Bob Marley and issued gun and drug charges. I don't want to say they should have thought it out, but the cops could have guessed the Rastafarians would have marijuana, and they also know that Marley shot the sheriff. Even if he didn't shoot the deputy, it's enough for probable cause stateside.

Poo too weet!

Mo Money, Mo Problems

Above is the look of ecstasy and joy that comes from being named the father of the little bundle of money...err, joy Dannielynne. Congratulations on your success, and may I never hear the name Birkhead or Anna Nicole in the news ever again.

In real news, a throng of protesters loyal to Moktada al-Sadr demonstrated against American occupation in Iraq on the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad. Unlike Americans, Iraqis have in fact discovered the fringe benefits of free speech and the right to demonstrate. Like Americans, they will also learn that President Bush is not listening.

The L.A. Times reporter Borzou Daragahi wrote a tremendous story detailing the last 4 and 1/2 years the reporter has spent in Iraq. He details the trials and tribulations spent by a reporter working to tell the stories of Iraqis in the war zones and inform the public in the United States. With everybody overly critical of MSM (mainstream media), it is good to see evidence of the value of real journalists who do news work for the public good (i.e. not bloggers and not the pundits).

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that Iran plans to produce nuclear fuel on an industrial level, drawing sharp criticism from opponents of Iran's nuclear ambitions. President Ahmadinejad claims the materials will be used for energy needs and not weapons. That remark has been considered the biggest bomb (all puns intended) since Don Imus became a women's basketball commentator. Last week's hostage issue was the number one story of this week according to the Project for Excellence in Journalism, keeping the focus on Iran.

On the other side of the Axis of Evil, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson enjoyed a tour of the U.S.S. Pueblo, a naval vessel captured by North Korea in the 1960s. Richardson, who is also a Democratic candidate for President, described the presentation as unpleasant propaganda, much the same way that Rupert Murdoch describes the movie "Outfoxed."

In trade issues, the United States has filed suit against China because of alleged widespread piracy of American movies, music, books and software in the country. This is a terrible move, as without $2 copies of Hollywood blockbusters available at bodegas worldwide, I will probably never pay to see another film again.

Media news leads with the Don Imus developments. Imus is an ancient out-of-touch relic of a radio host who called the Rutgers women's basketball team some very unkind, racist names on his CBS show. He was called to the mat by Al Sharpton, who has an interesting racist history of his own, and defended his comments to Sharpton and a senator, whom Imus referred to as "you people." The Rutgers team agreed to finally meet with Imus after issuing critical statements. Soon, Imus and his 1950s shtick should be right where they belong, off the air and locked inside a ranch where nobody has to listen to him or see his hideous hair.

While on the subject of old men with incredible hair cuts, it is nearly impossible to pass up the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector, one of the legends in recording whose influential career includes writing and recording scores of hits with every girl group ever in the 1960s and a number of rock and roll legends with his famous Wall of Sound, has been accused of murdering actress Lana Clarkson by blowing her head off with a shotgun. Clarkson has appeared in many television and film roles. The specter of Spector's craziness should make this trial the most fun since the glove didn't fit.

Sports news involves the new sheriff/commissioner Roger Goodell bringing the pain to repeat offenders in the NFL. The first two to go down were Adam "Pacman" Jones (full season) and Chris "Felonyman" Henry (8 games). Cleveland Browns fans are desperately trying to get coach Romeo Crennel, center LeCharles Bentley and quarterback Charlie Frye to go somewhere and get arrested immediately so they can start over again from scratch.

Finally, in bizarre news, the L.A. Times profiled 94-year-old John Rodriguez, California's oldest prisoner. The article states that his chances of parole for murder are slim, but even his past record is hardly enough to disqualify him from military service. Hopefully I'll see you in Baghdad, buddy.

When Satire Bites, Bite Back

With times more trying then ever, Americans need to find more outlets for relaxation. Leave it to our leaders to find a way to smile with pain and pitfalls surrounding their every move.

It only took $400+ billion and 60,000 casualties for the Washington Post to figure out that there was no connection between Hussein's Iraq and al-Qaeda. In other startling news, the Post also determined that the world is round, that the pope is Catholic and that Elmer Fudd will never catch that rascally rabbit.

America is planning to release the five Iranian diplomats it captured in Iraq according to a New York Sun report. The gentlemen will be sent back with specific instructions not to take over Iraq until after the United States abandons the country.

The military went on another of its strong recruiting efforts. Corey Andrew Powell, an openly gay man, was approached by the U.S. Army because of a resume he posted on Career Builder. After inquiring sarcastically about whether gays were allowed to serve in the military, Powell received back caustic e-mails that included remarks in the incendiary all caps format that read: " YOU ARE DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED, NOW TAKE YOU GAY SELF SOMEPLACE ELSE WE DO NOT TOLERATE GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN ANY PART OF THE MILITARY." and " YOU HEAD OF FTO THE GAY LAND OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MORALS AND GET RID OF YOURSELF. PERSONALLY I THINK BEING GAY IS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL." That was definitely not an Army Strong response.

In Somalia, European diplomats were investigating allegations of war crimes levied against participants in a battle between Somali and Ethiopian forces in the capital city of Mogadishu. President Bush plans to step in and lend assistance after he conquers Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Sudan. He also might take time to eat lunch before he jumps into the fray.

In the great United States Florida is beginning a policy to allow all felons but " convicted murderers, sexual predators and 'violent career criminals'” to vote in upcoming elections. The sex offenders, while they can't vote, help showcase Florida's commitment to rehabilitation for criminals in their fancy housing facilities for offenders under causeway bridges. At least the Bush White House will have somewhere safe and democratic to go in 2009.

On the other coast, the L.A. Times forecasts drought and Dust Bowl-like conditions in the Southwest because of global warming. This means that by 2050, Los Angeles will not only seem like the shittiest place on Earth; it actually will be the shittiest place on Earth. At least you'll be able to keep track of the change with the Christian Science Monitor's handy dandy Global Warming Web site.

Big automotive business is struggling in Detroit, which has prompted billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian to bid for the Chrysler portion of the German Daimler Chrysler. Reports indicate he is paying one-eighth what the German company paid for the automaker. I don't know how you say "I'll take that disaster off your hands while you slink away into the sunset" in German, but I'm sure Kerkorian's translators have that covered.

Baseball season brings the story of Creighton pitcher Pat Venditte, an ambidextrous pitcher who gets batters out throwing right handed and left handed. Chances remain that Venditte could strike out Reds outfielder Adam Dunn right handed, left handed or merely by kicking the ball in the general direction of home plate. In Cincinnati, the town is in need of better pitching after the Wild Thing Vaughn performance of Mayor Mark Mallory.

Desecrating all that is sacred is part of the music business. However, let me be the first to say that the plan for Oasis, the Killers, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Fratellis and Razorlight to record a tribute version of the Beatles' magnum opus " Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a bad idea. Oasis already tried being the Beatles once...and failed. Let poor John and George rest. What's next, Carrie Underwood and Clay Aiken re-recording "Billie Holiday Sings"?