The Wall St. Journal is Fair and Balanced

The announcement finally came in today, and Rupert Murdoch is the new captain of the Wall Street Journal. Many have predicted that he will turn a respected daily newspaper into the Fox News Journal. Others believe that he will try to steal advertising from his media rivals including the New York Times, trying to beat them the old-fashioned way--through sharp business decision making. Whatever happens, I can't wait to see the first Bill O'Reilly column on Lindsay Lohan's latest brush with disaster.

Coming on the heels of Iraq and its feel-good story with the soccer team is the latest report that U.S. troop fatalities in the embattled nation are actually declining. In other words, the glass is half full. Unfortunately, the glass is half full of piss and vinegar, making it very hard to swallow.

26,000 troops have finally been authorized by the U.N. to use force to protect civilians and aid workers in Sudan. Bush would pledge support, but he has to make up another member of the Axis of Evil and start a war with them before he can use the military for any truly useful purposes.

Mike McConnell, a chief intelligence official with the National Security Agency, discussed a series of unapproved moves made by the White House after they were granted approval of a warrantless wiretapping/e-mail program of domestic espionage. The program has always been controversial, and these revelations will win the plan no new fans. There is actually more support in America to sack football, basketball, hockey, auto racing, poker and baseball, thereby making soccer the nation's favorite competitive endeavor.

The White House isn't winning supporters on many fronts, with an editorial in the Los Angeles Times calling George Bush out on his intent to veto a bill that would give medical insurance to 8 million uninsured children. Is it even possible that somebody would disdain public opinion so much that they would submarine medical care for helpless youth? I guess I just answered my own question.

The British are leaving! The British are leaving! The longest standing deployment of troops in the nation's history is leaving Northern Ireland. Whenever they withdraw their troops from Iraq, they'll be finished with all of the military campaigns that are currently irritating British citizens.

The Tour de Drugs is over, and what would the race be without every rider being thrown off tour before the newly-crowned winner is accused of a horrendous doping scandal? Doping expert Werner Franke claims to have presented evidence to German authorities that the Tour winner Alberto Contador, umm, cheated. The Tour de France makes the Grateful Dead tour look like Sesame Street in terms of drug use.

Crazy stories today include security agents at airports being asked to look out for a new insidious terrorist threat--cheese. Certainly some cheese smells strong, but this seems like overkill on security and overprotection from dairy products.

You could also pair the cheese you are eating in the airport parking lot with a nice bottle of red wine, which is a leading source of the antioxidant resveratrol. While some research shows that the quantities of resveratrol in red wine are not large enough to confer real health benefits from regular consumption, others counter with the argument that resveratrol is but one of many healthy parts of the complex liquid that is wine. Science will have to sort out the details, but if somebody tells me that drinking Cote Rotie makes me healthier, I will believe them.

Finally, USA Today columnist Janet Kornblum put together an article about the cruel fallout of online haters. Shut the fuck up you dumb bitch before I put my size 10 shoe up your rumpus. Note: This is a complete satire, performed for a cheap laugh. Besides, I wear a size 10 1/2 shoe.

Wrestling with Logic

Edmonton residents will be somber this evening after the murder-suicide involving wrestling legend Chris Benoit and his family. This will put a kink in my Chris Benoit Day plans next year. It's too bad nobody got a chance to execute a finishing move like a crippler crossface before Benoit got his finishing move accomplished.

The Washington Post details Dick Cheney's role in establishing the policy of torture at Gitmo. It's good to see somebody in the White House planning something. It's too bad these plans come at the expense of the Geneva Convention and judicial oversight.

After seeing the international success of Cheney's torture policies, other Bush aides are scrambling to get on the same page as Congress on future Iraq policy. The plan is to get the Executive and Legislative branches to perform a duet of the Decemberists song, "We both go down together."

The L.A. Times goes over another kind of school discipline...keeping kids out of the district for living in Mexico. This is another in a long line of issues that have sprung up based upon the don't ask don't tell policy of immigrant labor in the United States. The only way these kids will be able to stay in the country will be if Tim Floyd offers them a scholarship to play basketball at USC in the next decade or so.

Taiwan is losing support in the latest round of United Nations Idol. Everybody is throwing their support behind frontrunner candidate China and leaving Taiwan to fight for itself. Dissent might be Made in Taiwan, but lingering resentment is definitely Made in China.

Salon identifies Mitt Romney's campaign optical illusion that aims to make him look less like a corporate cog and more of a man of the people. However he frames it, he still looks like I don't know what he stands for or supports.

Rupert Murdoch's evil takeover bid for the Wall Street Journal comes closer to fruition each day. Murdoch must agree to editorial protections before his bid will be considered. The Times takes care to detail how Congress kowtowed and changed laws to protect Murdoch's television holdings rather than forcing him to sell off his unfair market share. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Crazy news stories also made for some interesting reading. The dentist who filed a claim for filling 52 cavities in one mouth at one time either treated the most toxic mouth or pulled the stupidest fraud of all time (probably the latter). If he goes to court, at least the guy who filed a lawsuit for $54 million over his lost pants lost, showing that justice is blind but not completely retarded. They probably followed the logic from my first post on the subject.

It's So Hard to Look Away

Sometimes it's difficult for a guy to make an honest living, even if that guy is in a lion costume. It gets more challenging when the guy is wanted for rape of an underage girl, both in relation to the guy making a living and in relation to his living being honest. I hope they left you in your lion costume for your cell mates to get their first look at you.

Mayhem in Israeli/Palestinian relations continues to whip itself into a frenzy. Mother Jones harps on the damned-if-they-do/damned-if-they-don't puzzle that Abbas is locked in. You know the situation is a debacle when somebody actually recommends that outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair should head a reconciliation effort.

Much like the rest of Iraq, the government is in such disarray that top officials are stepping down. Current Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki is so unpopular that he is approaching Bush popularity levels. (The Onion parodied a new approach to one of Bush's favorite topics...climate change.)

As expected, Bush vetoed newly-proposed embryonic stem cell legislation. Democrats are expected to battle the resistance of President Bush. It will be nice to see the party stand up to something that Bush supports at least once before he is out of office.

Media news shows the bidding options for the Wall Street Journal dwindling, with G.E. and Pearson pulling their hats out of the ring. That leaves neo-con tycoon Rupert Murdoch as one of the last men standing in the bidding war for the influential and respected conservative daily. Unless Mark Cuban is willing to step in and trade Dirk Nowitzki for the newspaper, look for Dr. Evil Murdoch to make the Journal part of the No-Spin Zone.

The effort to save internet radio got their chance to voice their opinion through a concert in the capital city. Crushing royalties rates would leave those sitting in their office cubicle little choice but the vanilla options offered by your friendly Web-casting Clear Channel conglomerate. I'm keeping my support behind a choice of better flavors.

Sports and scandal continue with a newly-minted book leveling the same old charges of cheating at Lance Armstrong. Lance's credibility in situations involving accusations of cheating is equal to Lindsay Lohan's dedication to rehab. At least Lindsay admits to doing coke. Barry, Sammy, Lance and Floyd are still claiming innocence or ignorance.

Finally, Bengals fans sick of being singled out as the only team in the NFL being arrested can thank Sports Illustrated for putting together a photo gallery of arrests from the yet-to-be-played 2007 season. At least the newest remake of "The Longest Yard" won't consist of only players from Cincinnati.