01 August 2007

The Wall St. Journal is Fair and Balanced

The announcement finally came in today, and Rupert Murdoch is the new captain of the Wall Street Journal. Many have predicted that he will turn a respected daily newspaper into the Fox News Journal. Others believe that he will try to steal advertising from his media rivals including the New York Times, trying to beat them the old-fashioned way--through sharp business decision making. Whatever happens, I can't wait to see the first Bill O'Reilly column on Lindsay Lohan's latest brush with disaster.

Coming on the heels of Iraq and its feel-good story with the soccer team is the latest report that U.S. troop fatalities in the embattled nation are actually declining. In other words, the glass is half full. Unfortunately, the glass is half full of piss and vinegar, making it very hard to swallow.

26,000 troops
have finally been authorized by the U.N. to use force to protect civilians and aid workers in Sudan. Bush would pledge support, but he has to make up another member of the Axis of Evil and start a war with them before he can use the military for any truly useful purposes.

Mike McConnell, a chief intelligence official with the National Security Agency, discussed a series of unapproved moves made by the White House after they were granted approval of a warrantless wiretapping/e-mail program of domestic espionage. The program has always been controversial, and these revelations will win the plan no new fans. There is actually more support in America to sack football, basketball, hockey, auto racing, poker and baseball, thereby making soccer the nation's favorite competitive endeavor.

The White House isn't winning supporters on many fronts, with an editorial in the Los Angeles Times calling George Bush out on his intent to veto a bill that would give medical insurance to 8 million uninsured children. Is it even possible that somebody would disdain public opinion so much that they would submarine medical care for helpless youth? I guess I just answered my own question.

The British are leaving! The British are leaving! The longest standing deployment of troops in the nation's history is leaving Northern Ireland. Whenever they withdraw their troops from Iraq, they'll be finished with all of the military campaigns that are currently irritating British citizens.

The Tour de Drugs is over, and what would the race be without every rider being thrown off tour before the newly-crowned winner is accused of a horrendous doping scandal? Doping expert
Werner Franke claims to have presented evidence to German authorities that the Tour winner Alberto Contador, umm, cheated. The Tour de France makes the Grateful Dead tour look like Sesame Street in terms of drug use.

Crazy stories today include security agents at airports being asked to look out for a new insidious terrorist threat--cheese. Certainly some cheese smells strong, but this seems like overkill on security and overprotection from dairy products.

You could also pair the cheese you are eating in the airport parking lot with a nice bottle of red wine, which is a leading source of the antioxidant resveratrol. While some research shows that the quantities of resveratrol in red wine are not large enough to confer real health benefits from regular consumption, others counter with the argument that resveratrol is but one of many healthy parts of the complex liquid that is wine. Science will have to sort out the details, but if somebody tells me that drinking Cote Rotie makes me healthier, I will believe them.

Finally, USA Today columnist Janet Kornblum put together an article about the cruel fallout of online haters. Shut the fuck up you dumb bitch before I put my size 10 shoe up your rumpus.
Note: This is a complete satire, performed for a cheap laugh. Besides, I wear a size 10 1/2 shoe.

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