Imus and the Mourning

He's back (in black, even). Don Imus, the human race riot of the air waves, returned to the radio with two African American comedians as part of his zoo crew (charade). The question is this: if a racist windbag makes halfhearted apologies on the air and nobody tunes in to listen, does he make a sound?

The big story of the day involves U.S. officials reporting that the Iranian nuclear program is shut down for the time being and that they are not a short term threat to produce nuclear weapons. President Bush remains undeterred, saying American policy will remain unchanged despite the reports. He might justify an invasion based upon a new Iranian policy to crack down on hip hop. Bush never let contrary evidence dissuade him from his strongly held but ideologically flawed plans in the past, so this should be business as usual.

Gillian Gibbons, the teacher involved in the Sudanese blasphemous teddy bear fracas, has spoken about this ordeal after she returned home to Britain. Whatever her message, I'm sure that her testimony will not be utilized in tourist videos promoting vacations to Sudan.

Now that the G.O.P. and the Dems have both held Web 2.0 debates, critics say that the format is here to stay. By 2020, Max Headroom may in fact be the leading candidate for President of the United States.

Rolling Stone's latest feature details the elements that led to the abysmal failure that is the war on drugs. This article breaks down the failures of American drug regulation that birthed a culture that would create a drug called "butt hash."

And I'll finish up with a new media report about the stalker engine/social networking outlet Facebook and its latest battle with privacy advocates. Coming on the heels of the controversial opt-out tracking program Beacon are the reports of Facebook boss Mark Zuckerberg losing his legal appeal to have a Harvard-associated publication take down less than flattering documents about his past in a move aimed at giving the young mogul a feeling of the shoe-on-the-other-foot feeling that goes along with Facebook-style privacy concerns. If Zuckerberg doesn't focus his company on benefiting the consumer using his product, he'll be losing Facebook friends faster than the people in charge of college loans.

Playoffs??!? Playoffs??!?

What a weekend for sports! I can't decide whether the biggest story of the weekend was the collapse of the Mets, the NL Wild Card coming down to game 163, college football's wild weekend where number two jumped number one and scores of other contenders got knocked down, or the NFL weekend where we found out the Bears were who we thought they were, only the Lions didn't let them get away. At least I still have the Cubbies to keep me warm while I'm making the decision...let's play ball.

Now that Congress failed to reach any consensus on what to do in Iraq other than throw more money at the problem, they have decided to focus their efforts on domestic issues like health care and taxes. Hopefully these guys can get SOMETHING accomplished instead of blaming all their inadequacies on Furher Bush and his convictions.

The campaign of genocide in Sudan has now expanded its aim to include aid workers in the ravaged country. If karma actually existed, some of the scumbags in Darfur and the United Nations would pay dearly for their roles as active or complacent contributors to the human rights abuses in this troubled land. At least we still have time to concentrate on missile defense shields and other science fiction while being to busy in Iraq to lend any real assistance to people in real need.

In vegetarian news, 21.7 million pounds of ground beef were recalled by Topps Meat because of E. coli contamination, proving what I have known for more than a decade: eating ground up dead cows is disgusting.

Musical mavericks Radiohead are releasing their latest album on the internet, and they are giving you the option of how much, if anything, you want to pay for it. 50 Cent forced people to pay for his pathetic new album, and as a result, lost his battle of album sales with Kanye West. Maybe 50 should try a Radiohead business model with his next venture.

Finally, Reuters put together an interesting article about musicians and their preference for analog equipment over the digital counterparts. This is a really interesting concept to explore, but for credibility's sake, don't use limited, meaningless terminology like electronica to describe music for fear of how L7 that will really make you look in your inability to genre-fy music you can't truly conceptualize. Electronica has slightly more meaning than did the equally meaningless category of grunge, if for no reason other than the fact the the musicians (much like Bob Dylan at the Newport Folk Festival) do in fact plug their instruments into an electric outlet, much along the same lines that grunge musicians played guitar and showered less often than was media-appropriate. Learn to use the music terminology correctly or fear getting burned, Reuters.

Only in France

The eagerly anticipated (chuckle) Tour de France kicks off today in, of all places, London. The scandal-plagued sport is trying to erase its image as the biggest collection of drug users outside of the Grateful Dead 1969 tour. I will not be watching this year's tour as I will be too busy watching paint dry to give the Tour the proper attention it deserves.

The Cincinnati challenge to warrantless wiretaps was thrown out of court. The mindbending legal doublespeak was that information was classified, so it would impossible to prove that the claimants were in fact directly being targeted by the top secret program. Only in a court of law could they demonstrate the perfect use of circular logic.

The legal system is getting a workout in New Orleans, with a shortage of public defenders creating a severe backup in the system. The city has been unable to recover from Hurricane Katrina. Defendants sometimes spend a year in jail before speaking with a lawyer. This should probably be the best possible encouragement for you NOT to streak and get in fights at next year's Mardi Gras.

The rumor wheels are turning, with The Business magazine reporting that Dow Jones and The Wall Street Journal have been sold to evil media robber baron Rupert Murdoch. The NYTimes' blog Deal Book believes the story may be a leveraging stunt executed by Murdoch and that the deal may not be inked just yet. The countdown for Murdoch to turn the Wall Street Journal into the Fox News Journal has begun.

The Onion spoof on Bush diplomacy is perfect. The picture of Rumsfeld in front of a map of the world marked U.S. and Them may be the funniest thing I've seen in some time. The shoot-first mindset has gotten another ball rolling, with 14 members of Congress signed on in support of impeachment papers for Dick Cheney. Whatever bunker or lair Count Cheney is hiding out in, I hope he's starting to sweat a little bit.

Al Gore is on the road promoting his global warming consciousness music festival Live Earth today. Critics have attacked the event, calling it a ploy to get Gore publicity for a White House run, criticizing the musicians who participated in the event and identifying sponsors who may be part of the root cause of global warming in the first place. It seems to me that poor Al Gore can't really win anything, can he? He puts together a giant concert with every band on the planet and people are still complaining. Unbelievable!

Microsoft took a big hit when the announced an extension of Xbox warranties as part of a repair program for its Xbox 360 game console. The problem is described by owners as "the red ring of death." I don't know what causes it, but any phrase with the suffix "of death" is probably pretty bad.

In more tech news, iTunes is planning to offer special prices for selected new releases in order to drum up sales. This comes on the tail of a negotiation battle with major record label Universal. This news should keep the iPhone enthusiasts sated for the next little while.

The funniest article of the day brings us back to France, where the exercise routine of President Sarkozy has the French up in arms. People are upset by his regular habit of (gasp)...jogging. Only in a country whose national sport involves people riding bikes in the mountains would people get irate about their president running around.

Just Because It's Sunday Doesn't Mean News Commentary Takes a Break

There is no rest for the weary on Sunday. The show must go on. You know the drill--here comes the satire.

President Bush is looking for analysis from a variety of sources on the troop surge and its effectiveness in Iraq. Instead of allowing only General Petraeus to explain the state of the union in his forthcoming report, Bush will look to many different sources to determine the success of the latest military endeavor.

It would have been fantastic if Bush attempted listening to many different sources on whether the country should have started this entire debacle in Iraq. I'm sure Steven King could write Bush up a rosy and slightly demented outlook on the effectiveness of the surge if he needs a pair of fresh eyes. His portrait might be less dire than that of the participants on the ground.

The man known as Chemical Ali, the first cousin of Saddam Hussein who used poisonous gas in attacks against the Kurds, was sentenced to death in Iraq along with two other men. The only Hussein loyalist yet to be tracked down at this juncture appears to be Weapons-of-Mass-Destruction Wallace, Saddam's former Minister of Paranoia who has yet to be photographed or even have his existence proven.

The warrantless wiretaps program has drawn one more critic; this time, it's a judge who authorized the wiretaps in the past. The only people left who approve of what the White House is doing at this point are employed by or have the last name Bush. Just check the numbers. More people approve of sandpaper enemas at this point.

Right before I got the opportunity to give Iran the Golden Sunshine for Human Rights award, Ahmadinejad had to go out and parade around his political and social dissenters in the streets. I'm particularly disturbed by the picture of the dude in the soccer gear sucking on a butt-washing vessel (since removed or moved). Since most of the competition for my award was disqualified based on past performance, I'm giving the award to Alec Baldwin based upon the famous phone call to his daughter.

Five U.N. Peacekeeping soldiers in Lebanon were killed by a remote bomb earlier today. These explosive devices, as well as land mines, everybody would agree, are terrible things. The only people who should be worrying about carefully planted destruction and remotely detonated character assassinations are probably forming exploratory committees right now.

I applaud the study that confirms what eldest children (myself included) have known all along--first children are smarter than other siblings. I just feel sorry for Jeb and Ashlee
after hearing George and Jessica speak.

It's So Hard to Look Away

Sometimes it's difficult for a guy to make an honest living, even if that guy is in a lion costume. It gets more challenging when the guy is wanted for rape of an underage girl, both in relation to the guy making a living and in relation to his living being honest. I hope they left you in your lion costume for your cell mates to get their first look at you.

Mayhem in Israeli/Palestinian relations continues to whip itself into a frenzy. Mother Jones harps on the damned-if-they-do/damned-if-they-don't puzzle that Abbas is locked in. You know the situation is a debacle when somebody actually recommends that outgoing British Prime Minister Tony Blair should head a reconciliation effort.

Much like the rest of Iraq, the government is in such disarray that top officials are stepping down. Current Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki is so unpopular that he is approaching Bush popularity levels. (The Onion parodied a new approach to one of Bush's favorite topics...climate change.)

As expected, Bush vetoed newly-proposed embryonic stem cell legislation. Democrats are expected to battle the resistance of President Bush. It will be nice to see the party stand up to something that Bush supports at least once before he is out of office.

Media news shows the bidding options for the Wall Street Journal dwindling, with G.E. and Pearson pulling their hats out of the ring. That leaves neo-con tycoon Rupert Murdoch as one of the last men standing in the bidding war for the influential and respected conservative daily. Unless Mark Cuban is willing to step in and trade Dirk Nowitzki for the newspaper, look for Dr. Evil Murdoch to make the Journal part of the No-Spin Zone.

The effort to save internet radio got their chance to voice their opinion through a concert in the capital city. Crushing royalties rates would leave those sitting in their office cubicle little choice but the vanilla options offered by your friendly Web-casting Clear Channel conglomerate. I'm keeping my support behind a choice of better flavors.

Sports and scandal continue with a newly-minted book leveling the same old charges of cheating at Lance Armstrong. Lance's credibility in situations involving accusations of cheating is equal to Lindsay Lohan's dedication to rehab. At least Lindsay admits to doing coke. Barry, Sammy, Lance and Floyd are still claiming innocence or ignorance.

Finally, Bengals fans sick of being singled out as the only team in the NFL being arrested can thank Sports Illustrated for putting together a photo gallery of arrests from the yet-to-be-played 2007 season. At least the newest remake of "The Longest Yard" won't consist of only players from Cincinnati.

Somebody's Watching You (But Who's Watching Them?)

Artwork by David Shrigley

Sometimes you see things coming. Other times, events surprise you. As long as events continue as they are, most events in your daily life will continue to defy explanation.

U.S. forces have stepped up the efforts to battle Sunni insurgents in and around Baghdad. Soon afterward, a car bomb exploded in a market and added up massive casualties. It is almost unthinkable that there are any troops, insurgents and citizens left to kill.

For the first time in the history of history, the United States is lifting sanctions against the Palestinian government. President Abbas is expected to use the funds to continue the fight against the rowdy Hamas faction that is actively pursuing resistance efforts in Gaza. Much like in Presidential elections, the world often throws support behind what seems to be the lesser of two evils.

The greater of two evils in the last election has a history of signing bills into law and refusing to enforce the legislated provisions according to a recent study. It seems unthinkable that George W. Bush would say one thing and then do another. His demeanor seems so consistent. Luckily for his self-esteem, he isn't very good at comprehending quantitative statistics.

The 2008 Election Report includes proof that the bellwether states represent nobody. Polls in Iowa and New Hampshire show Mitt the Nit leads the Republican race in both money and popularity. Iowa and New Hampshire are less representative of America than Mitt Romney is of the city of Boston.

Law and order candidate Fred Thompson is running into some campaign obstacles because of his role on the television show "Law & Order." Equal time requirements will quash the 57 appearances Thompson makes daily on 34 networks on the popular series. It is only fair if they remove and burn every copy of Rudy Giuliani on "Saturday Night Live" in order to keep everything balanced.

Slate details Google's answer to Microsoft Outlook. Hopefully they are on the way to designing a Web-based alternative to Vista.

The city that Capone built is gearing up for another high-profile mob trial, complete with a shrouded jury. Hopefully none of them are regular viewers of "The Sopranos" because other than Carlo, not too many of the characters who crossed the mafia got out in one piece.

Slate continues its pursuit of absolute journalistic truth with its positive review of the latest anti-drug commercial. The author of the article enjoyed the commercial greatly because he relishes psychedelic experiences like reasonable anti-drug commercials.

A Pun in Hand is Worth Two in George Bush

You're either with us or against us. Never has this statement rung more true than when the entire party ran away from Bush and his policy as quickly as possible. Maybe the Republican Party is full of terrorists, because it seems they're all against Mr. Bush.

Christopher Hitchens penned a tremendous piece for Slate about the impending crisis for the Kurds in Iraq. On the heels of regional strife comes a new enemy straight out of Turkey. Kurdistan is as unlucky a proposal as it gets. It gets even worse that they (unluckily) have to depend on a U.S. President who couldn't spell Kurdistan if you gave him the first five letters. I say give the Kurds Kansas and make those people move elsewhere. They haven't done much with it in the 145 years its been a state. It's time for a new beginning.

That aforementioned President is proposing a 50+ year plan in Iraq that mirrors the U.S. involvement in Korea. Here's hoping the Democrats have a plan that will get us out of Iraq in 48 years at most (just in time for the Chelsea Clinton Presidential campaign).

Doctors have successfully turned mice skin cells into stem cells, and they believe they could perform this transformation on human cells. This takes the stem cell debate out of the pro-life arena and gets it into a more manageable forum. Hopefully they can work on some islet cells to fix my diabetes and some nerve cells in the brain to fix Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's Disease. While they are brewing up these brain cells, it might be helpful if they give some of them to our mentally deficient President and let him pass them around to the administration. The extra brain growth might help Gonzales and Libby remember some things, to be sure.

One of those pesky things that the administration will have to remember is whether or not they have secretly imprisoned 39 people on a human rights list. I keep hoping that blog journal entries are not the type of activity that gets one sent to secret prison. If anybody deserves secret prison, it's Paris Hilton, who is now out on house arrest instead of being scared straight in an unidentified cell in Afghanistan.

The immigrant legislation plodded on with its tenuous support, built upon a 49-48 vote that cut key measures out of the bill. It is interesting that the vote even might have changed if a couple other Senators showed up to vote. I vote that Congress should stop wasting time with immigration legislation and start tackling some real issues. Hopefully some of the newly recognized immigrants can come up with a better plan for an Iraq exit strategy. I'd vote for them if they could.

Bush and German Chancellor Angela Merkel continued their feisty little tango over global warming at the controversial G-8 conference in Heilgendamm, Germany. The odd couple have vastly different approaches to addressing climate change. Perhaps a ninth voice could talk some reason into W, because Merkel's aggressive German is not soothing the savage beast and his brutish reason.

The daily dose of weird news starts of with renowned architect Frank Gehry designing a playground in New York City. The creator of the Guggenheim Museum in Spain should add a whimsical twist on a childhood favorite. If I go, I'm definitely using some of the newly developed Dutch powdered alcohol before I get on the crazy slide.

Randy Savage and Oysters--The Ultimate Afrodisiac

The truth is that if I had a pet monkey, I would probably either teach it to smoke or attack Green Bay Packers fans. What better way is there to show your love of the Animal Kingdom than by teaching wildlife how to puff away on tobacco while attacking cheeseheads? (Go ahead, PETA...I dare you to challenge this irrefutable fact!)

Many news outlets led with news that Emperor Bush is proposing goals to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. My first suggestion would be reducing the hot air coming out of your mouth about the war on terror, a move that undoubtedly would put the U.S. in compliance with the Kyoto accord. At a minimum, one can hope that it would be a more productive move than California's effort to eliminate fireplaces in new houses.

Chances are if you have checked your e-mail in the past that you received some form of spam from the King of Junk Mail Robert Soloway. Spam Master Jay was charged by federal prosecutors with multiple felony counts. He should spend the rest of his life clicking through Viagra ads and offers to split a Nigerian widow's inheritance by wiring his account number over the Web.

Jack Kevorkian is returning to civilian life after his eight-year prison sentence for participating in assisted suicides. He is returning to society a little late to assist people like Don Imus and Michael Irvin in their already orchestrated career suicides.

Video footage of kidnapped reporter Alan Johnston surfacing gave new hope to those who worried about the his safety. Alex Rodriguez was first in line to volunteer himself as trade bait after his past week topping the tabloids, so hopefully something works out for a courageous man who put his life on the line to report the truth.

Slate today covers the ascendancy of wine and the rapid decline of beer sales. The clip made by Milwaukee's Best that features a few doofuses blowing up a bottle of wine with a Beast cannon is hilarious. Influential wine critic Robert Parker and his oak-loving palate adorning U.S. Airways tray copy is one of many signs that ramming mass produced Milwaukee and St. Louis swill down our gullets isn't the most effective way to market your product.

In conclusion, the CBS clip covering Viagra-laden oysters might be the funniest clip I've seen in some time. Possibly the only thing funnier that that would be the left-channel/right channel mix-up of Justin Timberlake and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. The only thing that could top those two would be Savage delivering his signature elbow drop right to the middle of Timberlake's smarmy face.

Fed Up with the New Hippies

Miss U.S.A., like much of the rest of America, is falling down on the job. Luckily she picked herself up and ignored the boos. Watch the above video and see if she did as well as Joe Torre at shrugging off criticism.

Lawmakers in Washington are aggressively pushing to turn the old big-bad polluter coal into a new eco-friendly fuel of the future. Who knows if robbing Peter to pay Paul will work? Why it's none other than the same parties who promised to get America out of Iraq (a.k.a Democrats) and to win the War on Terror (a.k.a. G.O.P.). If they say it works, then by golly it must work.

George Bush (he of the fighting variety) has decided he can't wait for months worth of U.N. approvals to go to war in Iran. Instead, he's going to try something he should have tried long ago and turn up the pressure on Sudan. Obviously, based upon his performance in Iraq, Bush is going to spend at least two weeks reading about the troubled region before rushing headlong into an invasion.

Speaking of happenstance invasions and semantic blockage, U.S. military commanders in Iraq are drawing back on the effusively praised accomplishments promised by Commander in Chief Bush, settling instead for more modest measures of accomplishment. It will be interesting to hear them explain the "Mission Accomplished" banner. My suggestion for the euphemism that best refers to the situation is, "Not the worst possible fuck up."

If the Bush camp can count one single victory out of the war effort, they can at least say that they defeated Cindy Sheehan. You can't win them all, George, and sometimes when you win, you still lose.

On my never ending quest to separate the wheat from the chaff, the L.A. Times published an editorial criticizing the sincerity of Eddie the Ambulance Chaser (a.k.a. Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards). Any report that cuts on a guy getting paid $55,000 to lecture on poverty in America deserves a mean-spirited attack on character. One down, Giuliani and company to go.

Salon is overloaded with cool topics that typically get overlooked. They have a great dialog with a panel of experts on colony collapse disorder and the honeybee problem. They also gave everybody more reasons to hate Republicans detailing millions of dollars worth of money made from inflated student loan interest rates. The only thing the Republicans have going for themselves at this point is that many people were so crippled by student loan debt that they will be forced to join the military in lean financial times. The G.O.P. is hoping that their voting constituency will be overseas and/or out of their voting district during the coming election, keeping the Republicans in office. This should help explain their unwavering support of the war effort in Iraq.

In media news, photographer Jahangir Razmi was given a Pulitzer Prize he was awarded 27 years earlier for anonymously taking a photograph of Kurds being executed in Iran. This inspires me to keep pulling for Buck O'Neil (and my personal favorite Ron Santo) to get the better-late-than-never vote this year, and I'm disinterested in whatever rules are keeping them out. There is a commissioner and a veterans committee for a reason.

The funny stories burn like fire, led by the wife of Google's founder spearheading an effort to test through DNA evidence provided by a CEO in a spittoon whether Warren Buffet and Jimmy Buffet were actually related. Some people really do have too much money.

The old hippies that live in Haight Ashbury district in San Francisco where they used to do drugs are fed up with the new hippies and their rampant drug use in the old hippies' new investment neighborhood (or something like that). They should try sending them to Indonesian prison, where police shut down a fully operational methamphetamine laboratory. And they say people don't learn to work in prisons!

There's Always a Sure Thing

Every year presents another blessed opportunity for the Cleveland Browns to make a fool of themselves in the NFL draft. Good luck this year.

Former head of the CIA George Tenet released a book that stated there was no discussion or debate before the "plan" to invade Iraq was launched. If President Bush could read, surely he would be perturbed.

Russian President Putin announced his intent to suspend compliance with a NATO arms agreement because of United States interest in a missile defense shield in Europe. The U.S. needs not lose sight of the fact that when a former KGB official is skeptical of your imperialistic policies, few others will buy into anything else you support aside from your grand plans.

All the Democrats could agree on in their first debate was that George Bush is a jerk. I agree that they need to narrow the field down before anybody else gets involved.

Taiwan refused China's plan to include the island as part of the Olympic Torch run. They will be awarded a gold medal in antagonistic diplomacy.

Hollywood lobbyist Jack Valenti, the man who created the film rating system, died yesterday at the age of 85. Reports were that he saw the preview for the new Jamie Kennedy film and promptly committed suicide.

The NFL Draft takes place Saturday and Sunday. The good news is that will effectively (and practically) keep Stephen A. Smith off the air for 48 hours. Unfortunately, Mel Kiper and his hair will fill the time analyzing special teams players from Middle Tennessee State, so I don't know who wins.

L.A. Times sportswriter Mike Penner is taking some time off to reinvent himself...as Christine Penner. Penner released a column at the paper identifying himself as a transsexual sportswriter. However this announcement is received by the public (mostly positive), neither Mike nor Christine will be welcome to interview the ever-vocal (and prejudiced) Tim Hardaway.

The final two sports tales are about athletes rather than sportswriters reinventing themselves. Sports Illustrated wrote about BALCO steroids captain Victor Conte having reentered himself into the nutritional supplement field. Judging by Barry Bonds' home run total this year, whatever Conte is selling now must work as well as the cream and the clear did in 2001. And boxing officials in Texas granted heavyweight Tommy Morrison a license (and promptly revoked it). Morrison formerly tested positive for HIV after the fighter appeared in the movie "Rocky V" as Tommy "The Machine" Gunn. On the list of the worst jobs for somebody who has tested HIV positive are porn star, tattoo model and heavyweight boxer.

Oh Give Me a Home

Fantasy is a wonderful thing when it nets paintings of the cowboy President in full repose. The wild west war on terrorism news includes Congress setting a deadline for Iraq withdrawl (which will be vetoed), the U.N. accusing Iraq of downplaying death counts, the U.S. charging a detainee in Guantanamo who was arrested at the age of 15 (which should make his trial interesting as the government is suggesting these detainees have too many lawyers), an officer being charged with aiding the enemy in Iraq and the only source for information from the Middle East The Onion saying the story about the region was blah blah blah flap flap flap. At least the President has time to cut a rug.


Oh how the noose is tightening for poor Alberto Gonzales. When it rains it pours, Bertie. Don't pout...the Dow closed above 13,000 last night, so the market should be clamoring for people with your experience.

On the world is coming to an end front, scientists have preliminarily identified a fungus that may be causing bee populations to wane dramatically this year. The death of bees would be the end of pollination, and eventually the end of anything that survived from plant products. If they eliminate bees with said fungus, it will be bad for my long term prospects but comforting on my lifelong phobia of stinging insects.

Media and entertainment ranked as the two most untrustworthy careers in a recent survey. Entertainment journalists returned to their evil lairs to lurk out and plan potential catastrophes on the population that painted them into this corner.

At&t is offering the entire Coachella concert on a Web access dealie-o. If I was sitting in front of a computer with nothing better to do (which I seldom am), I'd be in!

Finally, I will give you three nouns, and you will follow the link to the connector: a drunk German, a horse and an ATM.

Cooking Up a Funky Slab of Soul with Bronson Arroyo

O Bronson, my Bronson. My fantasy team will be dead if you don't start pitching and stop rocking out. Write that down and take it to heart.

Everybody is marveling at the perfunctory sophistry displayed by everybody's favorite decider, George W. Bush. Watch him try and tap dance his way out of this interaction in Tipp City, Ohio (the first two minutes are icing, the last three are the cupcake).



At least Alberto Gonzales has found a supporter. Senator Orrin Hatch, J.D. is in the corner of the embroiled Attorney General. When you hear the words "you and Orrin Hatch against everybody else," it typically is not a comforting thought in a street fight or in Congressional testimony. Hatch also might be auditioning for Alberto's job when he hits the unemployment line later this month, waffling between supporting Gonzo and calling the situation with Bert Gonzales "poorly handled." That's a ringing endorsement.

People have produced plays from the texts of Virginia Tech mass murderer Cho Seung-Hui and posted them on YouTube according to an NY-Times article. Going on a killing spree in order to get your work noticed is probably giving Dustin Diamond bad ideas.

Slate goes over the media debate as to what to call World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz's lady love (that's my misogynistic addition to the Web lexicon) Shaha Ali Riza. Girlfriend? Companion? Friend with Benefits? Don Imus would probably call her a ho if they would let him within 50 feet of a microphone.

With the NFL draft fast approaching, the story that three players expected to be amongst the top 10 selections admitted to smoking marijuana in the past was top of the box in headline grabbing. Pot smoking battering ram Ricky Williams is also in the news, with the Rams expressing interest in the sometimes gifted, sometimes spliff-ted running back who is returning from a chronic suspension this season. This league is starting to sound more like Bill Walton's NBA than Dan Marino's NFL. What other news would you expect on April 20?

Alex Rodriguez hits his 12th homer of the season. If he keeps it up at this rate, he should hit 200 home runs this season and make every New York sportswriter eat crow.

Basketball dominates the news now, with my Bulls limping in to face the searing Miami Heat. They are also praying for a miracle that would allow the Knicks to win the draft lottery. Since the Bulls own the Knicks' draft pick this year, picking up Greg Oden would give us a presence down low that would make Chicago a force to reckon with in the East. Unfortunately, it's the 2006-2007 season and not the 2007-2008 season, so the Bulls will have to claw and scratch their way through the playoffs. They'll be lucky to win in the first round, and something tells me Detroit will hurt them in round two.

Finally, check out the SportsCenter commercial entitled "Betrayal." It features David Ortiz from the Red Sox with Jorge Posada from the Yanks, and much hijinks doth ensue.