You Can't Teach Height

photo illustration by Jennifer Pottheiser, Getty Images

After literally minutes of deliberation, the Portland Jailblazers used the first pick of the 2007 NBA Draft to select Greg Oden. over number two choice Kevin Durant. The Trailblazers hope that the looks-50-but-actually-19-year-old center Oden will turn around a franchise that has been short on success since Clyde the Glide was losing NBA titles to Da Bulls while moving better than he did in his ill-fated appearance on "Dancing with the Stars." The Bulls took Joakim Noah in a move that should give us an entire roster of Final Four players, an entire roster of guys who jump high, run fast and can't score down low alongside an entire roster of guys with as many title rings as Mark Price and Karl Malone.

Dick Cheney and his insidious nature continue to top the news box. A few days ago, a Washington Post blog link addressed by this blog spoke of one of Cheney's nature gaffes. The House Natural Resources Committee would like to ask Count Cheney-la about his role in the killing of 70,000 salmon a few years ago. It's obvious he did it; it's ashame (and even more obvious) that he'll get away with it.

Democrats slugged it out in the debate, coming to a consensus that none of them liked the Supreme Court decision to limit the factor of race from decisions of school integration. Rather than crying over spilt milk, the party might have attempted to win the last election, a move that would have allowed them the power to nominate justices that would not have made this decision.

Speaking of long-simmering issues, the Senate crunked the second attempt to address immigration legisltion. At this rate, by the time Mexico reannexes the Southwest these laws ought to pass.

The Cleveland Scene covers a few online independent music sales portals that are creating real competition for conglomerate cogs like iTunes and the major(ly dissapointing) record labels. I'll throw my support behind anything that keeps big business out of MY music collection. This would be the same big business threatening to block Prince from selling his music in record stores because his Purpleness is giving his new album away free in a Sunday newspaper as a promotion.

The bald eagle was removed from the endangered species list for the first time in 40 years recently. Ted Nugent and his arsenal should have one bagged by Sunday.

MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski delivered a colorful protest about leading the broadcast with news about Paris Hilton. Joe Scarborough was in support of the importance of Paris news, but Ms. Brzezinski would have none of it. The only kind of Paris news I want is video that shows multiple clips of the hotel heiress doing drugs and making racist statements. Hilton is like the girl next door if you grew up in a brothel.

Hippie Colleges and Sixties Plagiarists

Led Zeppelin...rock legends or dubious frauds? According to a report on Classic Rock Central, every song but one on the first Led Zeppelin album is plagiarized. Recently the songs' original composers have begun to receive credit and compensation for the songs. It looks like somebody else is taking a mud shark to the legend of Led Zeppelin.

The CIA has let a few skeletons out of the closet by releasing classified documents that detail domestic espionage and assassination plots hatched by the intelligence agency. While some material paints the organization as rather callous, recent torture allegations and secret prison sites operated by the current CIA will probably make most of this ethical quandary look like a hiccup.

Gordon Brown is taking over the Prime Minister's post for the exiting Prime Minister/newly-appointed Middle East Envoy Tony Blair. The only other seat with people waiting in anticipation for a more suitable replacement than the British PM post is the CBS Evening News Desk.

Even the GOP is jumping off the Iraq train wreck. Republicans in Congress are calling for a detailed plan for troop withdrawl. Many of the critics come from Bush's support base. How does the line go about the rats and the sinking ship?

Dick Cheney makes Barry Bonds seem likable. His latest identified gaffe involves a report of Cheney being the architect in charge of an Oregon irrigation effort in 2002 that later became the largest fish kill in the region's history. It doesn't matter what Cheney is involved in; be it Halliburton or agricultural enterprise, it probably stinks.

The Christian Science Monitor details a health care mandate in Massachusetts that could serve as a model for a national medical care system. As a full-time student with a part-time insurance plan, national health care sounds better than the present system. All I know is I'm throwing a few bucks in to see "Sicko" by Michael Moore as soon as it is released.

Retired football players are fighting for a retirement package that covers the medical fallout after their playing career. The only profession with a worse retirement plan than the old NFL is professional wrestling. The worst part is that the active participants like Chris Benoit and Ricky Williams have access to all the medical supplements they need while older participants are left to twist in the wind.

Finally, Ohio's state hippie college Antioch shut its doors for what could be the last time. Bob Fitrakis detailed the important contributions made by this liberal, liberal arts institution. With new polls identifying the liberal slant of youth, it is evident that young minds (as well as those who manufacture patchouli and nag champa) need Antioch and places like Yellow Springs to maintain their existence.

Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You

Here is a picture of the brains behind the brawn in the Oval Office. The only obstacle to Cheney being recognized as the Thinker to Bush's Decider is his refusal to admit that he is part of the Executive office. As the field of public relations has proven, if you can't win the argument, change the terminology.

Mother Jones detailed all of the possible steps that Congress could take to cut off Bush and Cheney's wet dream of a war with Iran before (or slightly after) it even begins. It's too bad they can't follow a detailed set of instructions (like the Constitution) to draw up impeachment procedure on the two goons before they hatch another brainstorm. Just do something before they have any more time to scheme their next brainchild.

Israel released 250 Fatah prisoners in a gesture aimed at strengthening the toothless Mahmoud Abbas. Gaza has deteriorated into a state of anarchy. The area is controlled by Hamas militants, and some are hoping that the effort might help secure the release of captured soldier Gilad Shalit and kidnapped journalist Alan Johnston. I keep trying to convince Israel to move the Western Wall to Utah and allow the Palestinians to have the Holy Land. After the next round of immigration reform stateside, Salt Lake City will be a much safer place than Gaza or the West Bank, and I'm sure John McCain could float the whole country at least five free immigration points towards becoming a permanent resident. The other benefit is that the surge in Jewish population would diversify the Mormon-heavy Utah, allowing the state to portray itself as a diverse community that accepts everybody.

Speaking of McCain legislation, the Supreme Court identified a new loophole in the McCain-Feingold Act that will allow corporations to fund political advertisements. I don't even want to think about what that will mean when Mark Cuban and his varied portfolio run for President in 2016. I'm hoping that the Coalition of People who Oppose Abortion and Love Donald Trump (COPOALDT) is piecing together commercials to submarine Cuban's chances.

Those who thought that Rupert Murdoch is only a little evil obviously missed today's article about his business dealings in China. At least China has the good sense to make sure that the Australian tycoon and his media business dealings in the country were miserable failures. China keeps its friends close and its enemies closer. The U.S. is a cheap hooker that will let you do anything for the right price.

Blogo-news is also invading the corporate landscape. Earlier posts in this blog referenced the strange logic that dictated when and where antitrust cases were raised, particularly in the cases of the Sirius/XM merger and the Whole Foods/Wild Oats merger. Whole Foods CEO John Mackey used the methodology employed by masterminds like Kobe Bryant and myself, blogging up a vindictive rant against the Federal Trade Commission that could harm his company's current merger case. Enjoy the ride, baby.

No matter if you are a CEO or a criminal, a King or Don King, a poet, a musician, an actor or just some dude from Quebec, you are probably involved in some way in the vortex of time wasting that is social networking. Those who are as well as those who aren't would be interested in the qualitative look at the differences between users of MySpace (me) and Facebook (me, also). The piece also determined that I am a loser for belonging to multiple electronic social networks.

CBS compiled its list of the 50 Biggest Sports Jerks. It's a good list. As usual, Maurice Clarett came up a little short. Gary Bettman might be a good choice. I believe that Carmelo "Sucker Punch" Anthony might also have earned a 48th or 49th place this year. Whatever demon is responsible for the Cubs and the last century of disappointment easily ranks somewhere in the top 50. It's a cruel beast with the body of a goat and the head of Steve Bartman that chokes on anything remotely tough. And it's a big jerk.

Wrestling with Logic

Edmonton residents will be somber this evening after the murder-suicide involving wrestling legend Chris Benoit and his family. This will put a kink in my Chris Benoit Day plans next year. It's too bad nobody got a chance to execute a finishing move like a crippler crossface before Benoit got his finishing move accomplished.

The Washington Post details Dick Cheney's role in establishing the policy of torture at Gitmo. It's good to see somebody in the White House planning something. It's too bad these plans come at the expense of the Geneva Convention and judicial oversight.

After seeing the international success of Cheney's torture policies, other Bush aides are scrambling to get on the same page as Congress on future Iraq policy. The plan is to get the Executive and Legislative branches to perform a duet of the Decemberists song, "We both go down together."

The L.A. Times goes over another kind of school discipline...keeping kids out of the district for living in Mexico. This is another in a long line of issues that have sprung up based upon the don't ask don't tell policy of immigrant labor in the United States. The only way these kids will be able to stay in the country will be if Tim Floyd offers them a scholarship to play basketball at USC in the next decade or so.

Taiwan is losing support in the latest round of United Nations Idol. Everybody is throwing their support behind frontrunner candidate China and leaving Taiwan to fight for itself. Dissent might be Made in Taiwan, but lingering resentment is definitely Made in China.

Salon identifies Mitt Romney's campaign optical illusion that aims to make him look less like a corporate cog and more of a man of the people. However he frames it, he still looks like I don't know what he stands for or supports.

Rupert Murdoch's evil takeover bid for the Wall Street Journal comes closer to fruition each day. Murdoch must agree to editorial protections before his bid will be considered. The Times takes care to detail how Congress kowtowed and changed laws to protect Murdoch's television holdings rather than forcing him to sell off his unfair market share. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Crazy news stories also made for some interesting reading. The dentist who filed a claim for filling 52 cavities in one mouth at one time either treated the most toxic mouth or pulled the stupidest fraud of all time (probably the latter). If he goes to court, at least the guy who filed a lawsuit for $54 million over his lost pants lost, showing that justice is blind but not completely retarded. They probably followed the logic from my first post on the subject.

Socialists and Rubber Ducks

Ooh la la! If I get to vote in the French election, I'm going socialist party all the way. Segolene Royal is bringing sexy back to socialism after winning an election that puts her in a final run-off that could make her the first female President of France. I'll buy anything she's selling (and even better -- technically socialism will help me pay the bill).

Vodka manufacturers everywhere were saddened to learn of the death of former Russian president Boris Yeltsin. Na zdorovia (or na zdorowie in the correct Polish spelling) to the kind of guy that would have given George Bush quite a run for his money at the Skull and Bones frat house.

Democrat Harry Reid got in a war of words with Vice President Dick Cheney over Iraq policy, where the Nevada senator stated that Bush was in "a state of denial" about Iraq. He's close. Bush is actually hallucinating. In his surreality, we are winning and everything will vindicate these actions in the end.

A soldier testified today that he was ordered to lie about Pat Tillman's death and effectively accused the army of a massive misinformation campaign. If the thought of actively serving in a slowly devolving war zone isn't good enough recruiting incentive, try outright propaganda.

Alex Rodriguez hit two more home runs yesterday in a losing effort, reaching the record (14) for dingers in the month of April with time to spare. In related news, scientists identified a mineral found in Serbia as kryptonite, giving opposing pitchers all the fuel they'll need to get Superman Rodriguez out. (Aside from that, go Bulls. 2-0 is a very comfortable position to be in.)

Finally, the Smoking Gun outed Cho Seung-Hui's E-bay fetish -- Rubber Duckies. Rubber ducky, you're the one. You make insanity lots of fun. If no useful gun regulations spring out of this tragedy, at least it will always be acceptable to mock a guy who bought a gross of yellow rubber birds.