It's going to be hard for me to say, but I have a better chance at becoming a bikini model than Cleveland has at becoming NBA champion. Game 4 should provide a great soundtrack to bore you to sleep at night.
If you're looking for something to get you excited, perhaps the bombing of one of Iraq's holiest sites will make you more than a little uneasy. The first attack years ago has been cited as the root of sectarian violence in the region. In technical terms, blowing the towers at the shrine up fucked everything up worse than it is fucked up already.
The two sides of the Palestinian coin Hamas and Fatah are engaged in a bitter civil war/power struggle, and they have decided to turn up the heat. Nothing is out of bounds, with military forces attacking leadership houses. I'm not sure if you were ever really safe walking around the streets of Gaza, but I'm guessing today is a little less safe than it was yesterday.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been under fire since he silenced a critical television station. Chavez, the clown prince of the Southern hemisphere, is starting to flex his inner Machiavelli. If only the U.S. government could revoke Fox News' license for failing to serve the public interest, I'd vote Chavez for President in 2008.
News of the weird leads off with an L.A. Times profiling students that live a college life while not actually being enrolled in school. Let me be the first to tell you that if I didn't have to be in school, I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging around the library pretending to study philosophy.
Texas officials are reporting on widespread use amongst high school kids of a heroin-based cocktail drug known as cheese heroin. The $2 smack is mixed with the drug found in Tylenol PM and other sleeping medicines. I never needed help falling asleep in high school, and I have never done a drug named after a dairy product. But then again I have never lived in Texas.
Stalker engine Facebook has drummed up federal charges for an online predator. Allowing people like this into the Facebook community is akin to allowing a Catholic priest to be in charge of a youth summer camp. Shame on Facebook and the predator (and while I'm at it, shame on the Catholic Church).
Russia, the country that poisons critics in other nations, poisoned Kremlin protesters...with the smell of feces. Most protesters were driven away by the foul aroma of fertilizer that was conveniently strewn around the protest area. You know what they say. If it looks like shit and smells like shit...
Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.
Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.
Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.
Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.
Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."
