Just Because It's Sunday Doesn't Mean News Commentary Takes a Break

There is no rest for the weary on Sunday. The show must go on. You know the drill--here comes the satire.

President Bush is looking for analysis from a variety of sources on the troop surge and its effectiveness in Iraq. Instead of allowing only General Petraeus to explain the state of the union in his forthcoming report, Bush will look to many different sources to determine the success of the latest military endeavor.

It would have been fantastic if Bush attempted listening to many different sources on whether the country should have started this entire debacle in Iraq. I'm sure Steven King could write Bush up a rosy and slightly demented outlook on the effectiveness of the surge if he needs a pair of fresh eyes. His portrait might be less dire than that of the participants on the ground.

The man known as Chemical Ali, the first cousin of Saddam Hussein who used poisonous gas in attacks against the Kurds, was sentenced to death in Iraq along with two other men. The only Hussein loyalist yet to be tracked down at this juncture appears to be Weapons-of-Mass-Destruction Wallace, Saddam's former Minister of Paranoia who has yet to be photographed or even have his existence proven.

The warrantless wiretaps program has drawn one more critic; this time, it's a judge who authorized the wiretaps in the past. The only people left who approve of what the White House is doing at this point are employed by or have the last name Bush. Just check the numbers. More people approve of sandpaper enemas at this point.

Right before I got the opportunity to give Iran the Golden Sunshine for Human Rights award, Ahmadinejad had to go out and parade around his political and social dissenters in the streets. I'm particularly disturbed by the picture of the dude in the soccer gear sucking on a butt-washing vessel (since removed or moved). Since most of the competition for my award was disqualified based on past performance, I'm giving the award to Alec Baldwin based upon the famous phone call to his daughter.

Five U.N. Peacekeeping soldiers in Lebanon were killed by a remote bomb earlier today. These explosive devices, as well as land mines, everybody would agree, are terrible things. The only people who should be worrying about carefully planted destruction and remotely detonated character assassinations are probably forming exploratory committees right now.

I applaud the study that confirms what eldest children (myself included) have known all along--first children are smarter than other siblings. I just feel sorry for Jeb and Ashlee
after hearing George and Jessica speak.

I Have Tyson in my Corner

There are many situations in life that lead one to ask, "What would Jesus Do?" It hasn't gotten there for me yet, but with guidance like this photograph that makes up part of Slate's report on Church signs, I can tell what he would do while I'm driving by. Isn't that convenient?

If daily events don't tell you wjwd, they can at least let the immigrants' judiciary explain how they make decisions. According to a study covering more than 140,000 cases, the whole process is a crap shoot. At least the study determined that justice is completely blind to reason.

The Middle East will get an opportunity to enjoy its first tribunal as the United Nations moves in on those who assassinated Lebanon's prime minister. Nobody wants to tell Syria to start betting on international politics, but if they did such a thing, common logic would dictate that they bet against themselves.

Turkey did its best to validate the fact that every topic covered in this blog comes to fruition the next day by moving troops over to the Iraqi border and threatening to invade Iraq in order to eliminate Kurdish rebels raiding over the border. They are aiming to attack the Kurds in a move that would alienate the United States' biggest supporter in Iraq. The only support Bush would be left with after a move like this would be Bill O'Reilly and Mrs. Bush. Hopefully his aggressive worldwide public relations campaign nets some results.

In order to increase support for the new version of the Seven Wonders of the World, China is urging all of its citizens to vote for the Great Wall of China. This confirms my suspicion of why Yao Ming keeps winning NBA All-Star votes by a landslide. Apparently the Chinese vote with a greater passion then their American counterparts.

Finally, if job prospects are keeping you down, you can at least take faith in Mike Tyson's application to work in the corner of Sultan Ibragimov in his WBO heavyweight title bout. If rape, drug convictions and face tattoos can't keep you from getting a job, this really is the greatest country in the world.

Baywatch: Hasselhoff's Bathroom

Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.

Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.

Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.

Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.

Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.

In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.

Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."