Today is the day that Radiohead is attempting to turn the music industry on its head. The influential band is releasing their new album "In Rainbows" on the Web, allowing users to pay whatever they want for their latest release, and the song "Jigsaw Falling into Place" is making everybody who paid for Britney Spears' "Gimme More" feel stupid for doing so.
A debate has broken out in the White House over the Israeli response to policy regarding North Korea and Syria. Cheney is on one side, Rice is on another, and Rush Limbaugh is still a fuckwit.
The Los Angeles Police Department is under fire for another controversial bout of violence, this time involving journalists and immigration rights protesters. Why can't the LAPD beat somebody who deserves it (like Lindsay Lohan, Stephen Baldwin or Kwame Brown) rather than their arbitrary pattern of nightsticking the wrong people?
New York is up in arms about the noose found on the door of a professor at Columbia University. While NYC would like to believe that they are ahead of everybody in the world, this incident demonstrates that the city is in fact about one year behind Jena, Louisiana. If they are going to lynch somebody at Columbia, perhaps Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would have been a more fitting target for this kind of misguided aggression.
The battle between the Western world and people who practice goofy folkloric religions is coming to a head in Holland, where Ayaan Hirsi Ali, an outspoken critic of gender discrimination in Islam, faces an uncertain future from extremists because of her comments about Dutch Muslims. When you need violence to prove your point, as is often the case with religious fundamentalists, you probably have no point at all. Hopefully a fundamentalist somewhere can focus their aggression against that tramp Ann Coulter and allow Hirsi Ali to demonstrate what life is like for a Muslim in the 21st century.
Finally, in off-beat news, on the heels of the Nobel Prizes being awarded, the Ig Nobel Awards are given to discoveries that make people laugh before they make them think. This year's winners include studies about the side effects of sword swallowing, Viagra as a cure for jet lag in hamsters, the "gay bomb," making vanilla scents from cow dung, and determining if rats can differentiate between languages spoken backward. Once again, science has proven that no avenue of research is too obscure to garner recognition
Floyd Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title in a move that came as a surprise to nobody but Floyd Landis. I believe the story received way too much press because Landis and O.J. Simpson lack a certain characteristic called credibility, with Landis having the additional problem of competing in the only sport that could rival football in terms of being associated with steroids. Actually, Simpson has a better chance of being found innocent than Landis had based upon simple examination of facts. If somebody wants to put together a novel and enlightening article about the Tour, I would suggest trying to track down the guy in cycling who isn't on drugs in order to introduce me to an unknown quantity.The Senate failed to pass a measure that would have been the first step in bringing troops home from Iraq. Come to think of it, I'm trying to remember the last time the Senate succeeded at anything. It was might have been recently, but I really can't put my finger on the exact date.
It was a great news day for loony world leaders and ideologues. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, had his request to lay a wreath at the memorial for 9/11 declined. He would have been received less warmly than Art Modell at a Cleveland Browns convention. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is ordering his countrymen to set their clocks back a half an hour in order to create more daylight. Notice to Chavez: Day light and school hours can be changed without the arbitrary time shifts. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. And everybody's favorite fundamentalist cretin Osama bin Laden has issued a call for attacks on Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf because of his actions against mosques in Pakistan and his cooperation with America. Musharraf countered by cutting off bin Laden's supply of beard dye.Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather filed a $70 million law suit against his ex-employer for damaging his reputation in the wake of his termination. CBS might actually give him half of that if he'd agree to come back and take over for the ratings slump that is the Katie Couric experience.
If you haven't gotten your fill of election coverage yet, definitely check out the Slate piece about Mitt Romney's make-your-own campaign ad Web site. You can go ahead and insert any random Mormon joke and make it Mitt's campaign slogan. Bonus!In sports news, I'm still baffled that Tank Johnson signed a new contract. Obviously character means little and talent means everything in the NFL. The most surprising fact is that the Cincinnati Bengals didn't sign Johnson after the Cleveland Steamers dropped a 51 spot on their defense. His character would have made Johnson a natural fit in the Queen city.Finally, if Notre Dame didn't look bad enough playing football on the field this season, hopefully the burn of lost income at Bowl season will sting enough to make the school rethink its independent status. Even without a conference, Notre Dame will still finish the year in last place in its division.
If politics were John Madden Football, Bush just asked Madden, and Madden called executive privilege. There is no way he called that play on his own.
To continue the football metaphors, it now appears that the offensive line is off the field and Bush is running the Iraq policy unprotected. That doesn't differ greatly from the support Bush is giving the troops in Iraq who yesterday were profiled traveling four precarious miles to get to a memorial for a fallen soldier who they had served alongside. With this kind of support, it won't be long before somebody sacks the Quarterback-in-Chief.
A Congressional report released today states that the White House failure to fill posts at the Department of Homeland Security leaves the nation vulnerable to terrorist threats and disaster. Homeland Security and FEMA did so well in New Orleans, it's hard to imagine their performance in a less prepared situation.
Mother Jones is calling the Impeach Cheney-mania a little overblown. The high crimes and misdemeanors might be a high bar to clear. The public doesn't care whether he'll be impeached. They just want to see somebody twist in the wind.
Tunnels are being dug near a nuclear facility in Iran, and people are getting a little nervous. Their president swears the developments are for peaceful energy. It is hard to believe Mahmoud Ahmadinejad about peaceful energy after his call to have Israel wiped off the map.
The Red Mosque siege is expected to see negotiations start Monday. Pervez Musharraf can impress the militants by showing them the promising first half of a report on foreign investment in Pakistan by the Christian Science Monitor. Just don't show them the catastrophic effects the investments are having on the poor in the second part of the article. Iowa has caught up with the rest of the country and they are ready for the election to move the election up to tomorrow. I am currently listening to the sounds of the world's smallest violin playing just for the residents of Iowa and New Hampshire. Anybody who criticizes the pile of projects that make up the Google corporation obviously has never discovered a new class of Chinese nuclear sub with expanded ballistic missile capabilities on Google Earth. I also lost the cap off my flash drive at Alden Library last weekend. If somebody sees it on Google Earth, give me a call.
Media news involves Congress possibly creating a fairness doctrine for the conservative talk-heavy radio waves. It might be a good business move. I'd listen to Rush Limbaugh if it was a Hannity and Colmes setup with Rush and Al Franken. Since radio has no interest in what I want, I listen to satellite.
In reaction to the billion dollar Xbox 360 recall, Playstation has dropped the price of its systems $100 each in order to hit Microsoft while they're down. The only thing working against them is that you still will need to take out a home equity loan to afford the games and the newly-discounted system.
Finally, the 11-year old girl charged with drunk driving qualifies her as somebody whose parents should have bought her a discounted Playstation to kill time.I put my vote in for the Not the Parent of the Year Award.
Fireballer Roger Clemens got hammered as part of his minor league rescue mission before his rendezvous with the struggling Yankees. This column will attempt to hammer the news like a fat Clemens fastball straight down the pipe.
Former top Justice Department Aide Monica Goodling dropped a bomb on Alberto "I Don't Know" Gonzales' suggestion that firing the employees was not based upon partisan concerns. Hopefully when America fires Gonzales, he won't know where to find gainful employment.
Probably Gonzales' only chance at working again would come from participating in the proposed new immigration legislation and deporting himself back to whichever planet he dropped in from. Figures estimate the country will need more workers, but the plan doesn't deal with the economic impact of deporting 12 million people. If nothing else, more volunteers will be needed for the new troop surge, so this immigration policy would help to continue our policy of hiring people to do the work that the rest of the country is too lazy to do.
Iranian President/Middle Eastern Class Clown Mahmoud Ahmadinejad keeps on defying the world by continuing the development of Iran's nuclear weapons program. In as little as three years, Iran might possess the bomb in a move that could be the scariest thing to hit the news wires since video of a drunken, disheveled David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger shirtless on his floor surfaced.
Citizens are streaming out of Lebanon in droves as the Lebanese army and Fatah al-Islam militants prepare to halt a two day cease fire. In terms of understanding how these players fit into the fabric of the region, picture Fatah al-Islam as a devoutly religious Vern Troyer, imagine the Lebanese army as the tortured hit man Joe Pesci sent to shut down a trouble maker, and think of Israel as the eager champion Chuck Liddell waiting to step into the ring and pick up the pieces (and beat some brains in) when all is said and done.In media news, gossip blogger Perez Hilton is going to court to defend fair use provisions from photographs he uses as part of his continuous parody of the ridiculous celebrity lifestyle. If Hilton gets shut down, where else would America find out about whether Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss snorted more blow in a given weekend? Freedom of the Press means freedom to know when Britney Spears is wearing panties, so hopefully the courts side with Hilton (or Mario Lavandeira, his real name) and his tireless pursuit of democratic values.Finally, in the department of stories to weird to make up comes the story about soccer officials in Qatar seeking to hire thousands of fans to root for the team in the Asia Cup in Vietnam. If the Seattle Supersonics aren't confident that their situation will improve after the draft lottery, they could try filling the stands with professional fans to create the illusion of interest in sports on the left coast. Also, a man in Egypt was arrested for attempting to smuggle 700 snakes on a flight to Saudi Arabia. Flight official Samuel L. Jackson told the man before arresting him, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane."
Above is the look of ecstasy and joy that comes from being named the father of the little bundle of money...err, joy Dannielynne. Congratulations on your success, and may I never hear the name Birkhead or Anna Nicole in the news ever again.
In real news, a throng of protesters loyal to Moktada al-Sadr demonstrated against American occupation in Iraq on the fourth anniversary of the fall of Baghdad. Unlike Americans, Iraqis have in fact discovered the fringe benefits of free speech and the right to demonstrate. Like Americans, they will also learn that President Bush is not listening.
The L.A. Times reporter Borzou Daragahi wrote a tremendous story detailing the last 4 and 1/2 years the reporter has spent in Iraq. He details the trials and tribulations spent by a reporter working to tell the stories of Iraqis in the war zones and inform the public in the United States. With everybody overly critical of MSM (mainstream media), it is good to see evidence of the value of real journalists who do news work for the public good (i.e. not bloggers and not the pundits).
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that Iran plans to produce nuclear fuel on an industrial level, drawing sharp criticism from opponents of Iran's nuclear ambitions. President Ahmadinejad claims the materials will be used for energy needs and not weapons. That remark has been considered the biggest bomb (all puns intended) since Don Imus became a women's basketball commentator. Last week's hostage issue was the number one story of this week according to the Project for Excellence in Journalism, keeping the focus on Iran.
On the other side of the Axis of Evil, New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson enjoyed a tour of the U.S.S. Pueblo, a naval vessel captured by North Korea in the 1960s. Richardson, who is also a Democratic candidate for President, described the presentation as unpleasant propaganda, much the same way that Rupert Murdoch describes the movie "Outfoxed."
In trade issues, the United States has filed suit against China because of alleged widespread piracy of American movies, music, books and software in the country. This is a terrible move, as without $2 copies of Hollywood blockbusters available at bodegas worldwide, I will probably never pay to see another film again.
Media news leads with the Don Imus developments. Imus is an ancient out-of-touch relic of a radio host who called the Rutgers women's basketball team some very unkind, racist names on his CBS show. He was called to the mat by Al Sharpton, who has an interesting racist history of his own, and defended his comments to Sharpton and a senator, whom Imus referred to as "you people." The Rutgers team agreed to finally meet with Imus after issuing critical statements. Soon, Imus and his 1950s shtick should be right where they belong, off the air and locked inside a ranch where nobody has to listen to him or see his hideous hair.
While on the subject of old men with incredible hair cuts, it is nearly impossible to pass up the Phil Spector murder trial. Spector, one of the legends in recording whose influential career includes writing and recording scores of hits with every girl group ever in the 1960s and a number of rock and roll legends with his famous Wall of Sound, has been accused of murdering actress Lana Clarkson by blowing her head off with a shotgun. Clarkson has appeared in many television and film roles. The specter of Spector's craziness should make this trial the most fun since the glove didn't fit.
Sports news involves the new sheriff/commissioner Roger Goodell bringing the pain to repeat offenders in the NFL. The first two to go down were Adam "Pacman" Jones (full season) and Chris "Felonyman" Henry (8 games). Cleveland Browns fans are desperately trying to get coach Romeo Crennel, center LeCharles Bentley and quarterback Charlie Frye to go somewhere and get arrested immediately so they can start over again from scratch.
Finally, in bizarre news, the L.A. Times profiled 94-year-old John Rodriguez, California's oldest prisoner. The article states that his chances of parole for murder are slim, but even his past record is hardly enough to disqualify him from military service. Hopefully I'll see you in Baghdad, buddy.
