The truth is that if I had a pet monkey, I would probably either teach it to smoke or attack Green Bay Packers fans. What better way is there to show your love of the Animal Kingdom than by teaching wildlife how to puff away on tobacco while attacking cheeseheads? (Go ahead, PETA...I dare you to challenge this irrefutable fact!)Many news outlets led with news that Emperor Bush is proposing goals to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. My first suggestion would be reducing the hot air coming out of your mouth about the war on terror, a move that undoubtedly would put the U.S. in compliance with the Kyoto accord. At a minimum, one can hope that it would be a more productive move than California's effort to eliminate fireplaces in new houses.
Chances are if you have checked your e-mail in the past that you received some form of spam from the King of Junk Mail Robert Soloway. Spam Master Jay was charged by federal prosecutors with multiple felony counts. He should spend the rest of his life clicking through Viagra ads and offers to split a Nigerian widow's inheritance by wiring his account number over the Web.
Jack Kevorkian is returning to civilian life after his eight-year prison sentence for participating in assisted suicides. He is returning to society a little late to assist people like Don Imus and Michael Irvin in their already orchestrated career suicides.
Video footage of kidnapped reporter Alan Johnston surfacing gave new hope to those who worried about the his safety. Alex Rodriguez was first in line to volunteer himself as trade bait after his past week topping the tabloids, so hopefully something works out for a courageous man who put his life on the line to report the truth.
Slate today covers the ascendancy of wine and the rapid decline of beer sales. The clip made by Milwaukee's Best that features a few doofuses blowing up a bottle of wine with a Beast cannon is hilarious. Influential wine critic Robert Parker and his oak-loving palate adorning U.S. Airways tray copy is one of many signs that ramming mass produced Milwaukee and St. Louis swill down our gullets isn't the most effective way to market your product.
In conclusion, the CBS clip covering Viagra-laden oysters might be the funniest clip I've seen in some time. Possibly the only thing funnier that that would be the left-channel/right channel mix-up of Justin Timberlake and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. The only thing that could top those two would be Savage delivering his signature elbow drop right to the middle of Timberlake's smarmy face.
