The one true church continues its one true path to public relations purgatory. The real theological quandary centers around the question of why the intermediaries between God and man can't keep their grubby fingers off the children, and why the church continues to fund a campaign of mass-pedophilia.A new intelligence report questions the decision to steer the war on terrorism into Iraq. This comes on the tails of lawmakers being unable to derive an exit scenario for the pullout in Iraq. Following afterward, the all-night session in Congress failed to produce a pull out plan. Our efforts have created a stronger and more able enemy that is a threat to homeland security. Summarizing all the findings, we had no business in Iraq, we can't get out of Iraq, and no part of the government can do anything to fix the situation.If the efforts in Iraq are completely failing, it would be remiss if the failures in Afghanistan weren't mentioned. Bush aides are describing the efforts in Afghanistan against al-Qaeda as failures. They describe the war on terror with the same terminology that historians describe the Bush Presidency.Robert Sheer describes the Bush reign as imperialistic and misguided, calling him America's second King George. The only positive thing in the U.S. is that our monarchs are limited to an eight-year period of control.Everybody's favorite neo-con cowboy Bill O'Reilly has picked a new opponent: the blogosphere. O'Reilly characterizes left-leaning blog the Daily Kos as a bastion for hate speech, and goes after JetBlue Airlines, a company that sponsored a Daily Kos event. If satirical political discourse qualifies as hate speech, it would only be fair if Bill O'Reilly steps down alongside the Daily Kos. Imagine what would happen if people kept track of the hateful, stupid things O'Reilly said in the past.An airplane crash in Brazil has claimed more than 200 victims. Bill O'Reilly blamed the crash on the plane's liberal bias.NFL superstar/walking controversy Michael Vick has been indicted on charges stemming from an investigation into his involvement in dog fighting. Vick was allegedly consulted before a wounded dog was coated in water and electrocuted. The stories are so brutal that Vick, the Falcons and Home Depot should expect a vicious PETA protest at their doorstep in the next few weeks.In stories of the bleeding obvious, steroids and drugs were found in Chris Benoit's system before he murdered his wife and son. In other news, water is wet and Yao Ming is tall.In entertainment news, funny man Jon Lovitz beat the crap out of crazy man Andy Dick. If Lovitz has trouble breaking back into show business, they will probably be casting for a new season of the Ultimate Fighter on Spike TV soon. I predict that a Jon Lovitz/Tim Meadows would be a great mixed martial arts competition finale.
It doesn't get any more democratic than the above photograph. If the American public could urinate on all Hillary for President signs and not get arrested, we'd all have a new weekend hobby.
In International news, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert ruled out (for the time being) a broad offensive against settlers in Gaza after a rocket attack. With Bahrain preparing for an American attack on Iran plus the civil war that's coming to fruition in Iraq, the Middle East is shaping up to become a potential theater of carnage. Hopefully O'Reilly gets a front row seat to cover the action.
In the U.S. is not the only country getting its citizens killed trying to exploit petroleum products after Ethiopian rebels slaughtered 70 people (nine Chinese workers) at a Chinese oil facility. China needs to try the U.S. approach and find a pristine native wilderness to exploit to prevent these problems in the future.
The L.A. Times reports on a split within Iraq's Baath party. As with most other scenarios in Iraq, officials are unsure what to make of the development.
The governor of Virginia is suggesting an executive order that would demand that gun vendors examine the mental health of a person before selling them a gun. The NRA-sponsored Republican explanation for why the loonies should have guns should make for a great sound bite.
The Feds started the trial of the ghetto Unabomber in Chicago. His sketch is less intimidating. He had a job and no crazy manifesto. His target choice was even weak, as he was trying to control stock prices by mailing ready-to-explode explosives that didn't go off. Basically, his career as a domestic terrorist was a complete bomb.
The Dow closed above 13,000 for the first time in history. I'm still a penniless graduate student nit.
Journalist Alan Johnson, the only full-time correspondent in Gaza, has been presumed kidnapped for the last 45 days. In sports news, the Bears offered to trade Lance Briggs as a fair rate exchange.
Scientists announced the discovery of what could be an Earth-like planet orbiting around a dwarf star. It is rumored to be the planet of origin for Sanjaya Malakar.
Finally, the Catholic Church did away with limbo, changing theology to reflect that unbaptized babies go to heaven and not limbo. A few people will, however, remain in limbo.
Baseball limbo: Bobby Valentine, manager, Chiba Lotte Marines
Acting limbo: Corey Feldman and Pauly Shore, alley off of of Hollywood and Vine
Music limbo: The Proclaimers, a different alley in Edinburgh
also: Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson, California state mental health facility
Basketball limbo: Dennis Rodman, in Vegas trying to convince the Maloof brothers he can still play
Media limbo: Don Imus, on his ranch surrounded by caucasians
The NBA Playoffs are upon us. Hear the collective yawn escape everybody who stayed up to watch the Houston/Utah game last night and the collective gasp escape everybody in Cleveland and the NBA front office who saw LeBron turn his ankle today!
Criticism continues to pour in from Iraq. The Sunni bloc leader said that the proposed Shia/Sunni wall that will split neighborhoods in Baghdad will not work and will make things worse. The White House may want to look into the popularity of the former wall in Berlin to get an idea of how well this plan will endear them to the people.
At least security forces in Iraq are finally taking the initiative to act like Americans after a New York Times story came out about confessions being beaten out of detainees. If American hasn't taught Iraq about democracy, at least Iraqis learned how Steven Seagal gets information in his police films.
In national security issues, Air Force generals have ordered a review of defense mechanisms for satellites in orbit in outer space. This comes after the Chinese demonstrated the ability to shoot down one of their own satellites in orbit, hinting at the potential to unleash an electronic communication attack on the United States. As long as the first satellite taken down cuts off FoxNews to Ohio, the self-defense program is exactly where it needs to be.
Mutually assured destruction is also part of Commander in Chief Bush's national security plan, and he's keeping that concept alive with a bang as he moves forward with his plan to update America's nuclear arsenal. His abilities in foreign diplomacy are exceeded only by Kevin McHale's ability in basketball team building.
Wolfowitz and his efforts to repair Jewish/Islamic relations by dating across the divide continue to make the news. Ahh yes...the World Bank...fighting poverty one scandalous relationship at a time.
The Washington Post adds a caveat to those buying into Barack Obama's pledge to eschew donations from federal lobbyists. He is apparently bypassing the federal lobbyist money by taking money from...everybody else, including state lobbyists. He's a man of principles. Not very strongly held principles, but they are principles nonetheless.
In Cuban news, he's back! Fidel Castro met with Chinese officials in Cuba for the first time since his hiatus after diverticular disease surgery that installed, of all things, an artificial anus. He was going to try an anus transplant, but Karl Rove has been busy preparing a defense for his missteps and was unavailable to be sewn to the end of Castro's intestine.
Bill O'Reilly continues to be fair and balanced in arguing with anybody who will listen. His latest altercation involved Denver Post media critic Joanne Ostrow, a columnist who refused to appear on his show after she penned a critical review of O'Reilly's work. Undeterred, O'Reilly ambushed Ostrow in the grocery store parking lot with camera crew in tow. It sounds like this plus the wrestling match with Geraldo Rivera indicate that the no-spin zone is spinning out of control.
Public health professional Bernie Ellis is getting out of jail but is threatened with having his farm repossessed by the government after serving time on a medical marijuana conviction. Looking more like Jerry Orbach than Jerry Garcia, Ellis' actions have garnered great attention from medical rights advocates and more attention from Pacman Jones, who is going to need a hookup during his first eight game suspension at the beginning of season.
In conclusion, bizarre stories lead off with an Amish crime spree involving kidnap and buggy-jacking. The police are guessing the perpatrators could be anywhere within the three square mile radius they could have traveled in the horse-drawn carriage since the events transpired.
These same police may be amongst the heroes that saved Ronald McDonald from almost certain death after he was hanged and disfigured. McDonald was probably saying to himself, "Ouch...I'm not loving it!"
