He's Got a Puncher's Chance

The Cubs have shipped Michael Barrett off to San Diego for scrap metal. As displayed in the above photograph, thanks for the memories, Michael.

The proposed Mexican border fence is expected to alter the routines of many people, including Americans who aren't traveling to Mexico. It's amazing that our government can get motivated to build a fence to control immigration while earlier being incapable of putting any real effort into building the levee in New Orleans.

British officials have approached fighting terrorism by employing Muslims who are fluent in Arabic to work in anti-terrorism. This is a stark contrast to the United States, where President Bush expects all terrorists to speak in English so he doesn't have to use tax money to educate his intelligence forces. The city of Cincinnati and its football team could benefit from this approach by hiring former criminally-minded Bengal Corey Dillon to be the new sheriff in town.

Michael Bloomberg is promising not to be the only New York douche bag in the 2008 election. He cut ties with the Republican party, paving a path for the reclusive billionaire to run as an independent candidate. If Clinton, Giuliani and Bloomberg offer a trifecta of New Yorkers to vote for President, I'm voting Libertarian or Communist, whichever party Bloomberg isnt affiliated with.

Hillary Clinton announced her campaign theme song in a You Tube spot that parodied the recent "Sopranos" finale. The final episode of the mafia drama left a lot of the series uncertain and open to interpretation. It's too bad that we know Hillary's campaign prospects weren't whacked at the end of the You Tube episode.

Archeologists have identified the Americas' first gun shot victims. The Spanish conquistadors hunted down a band that resisted their occupation in Peru in 1536. Police have been contacted, and it is not clear what Pacman Jones' alibi was during the aftermath of the siege of Lima.

Microsoft caved in and agreed to allow changes to the way the much lamented Vista operates. As soon as they agree to allow changes that include building a new, not-Vista operating system and replacing the old Vista piece of junk for me, I agree to stop complaining about Vista's shortcomings.

Just Marking My Territory

It doesn't get any more democratic than the above photograph. If the American public could urinate on all Hillary for President signs and not get arrested, we'd all have a new weekend hobby.

In International news, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert ruled out (for the time being) a broad offensive against settlers in Gaza after a rocket attack. With Bahrain preparing for an American attack on Iran plus the civil war that's coming to fruition in Iraq, the Middle East is shaping up to become a potential theater of carnage. Hopefully O'Reilly gets a front row seat to cover the action.

In the U.S. is not the only country getting its citizens killed trying to exploit petroleum products after Ethiopian rebels slaughtered 70 people (nine Chinese workers) at a Chinese oil facility. China needs to try the U.S. approach and find a pristine native wilderness to exploit to prevent these problems in the future.

The L.A. Times reports on a split within Iraq's Baath party. As with most other scenarios in Iraq, officials are unsure what to make of the development.

The governor of Virginia is suggesting an executive order that would demand that gun vendors examine the mental health of a person before selling them a gun. The NRA-sponsored Republican explanation for why the loonies should have guns should make for a great sound bite.

The Feds started the trial of the ghetto Unabomber in Chicago. His sketch is less intimidating. He had a job and no crazy manifesto. His target choice was even weak, as he was trying to control stock prices by mailing ready-to-explode explosives that didn't go off. Basically, his career as a domestic terrorist was a complete bomb.

The Dow closed above 13,000 for the first time in history. I'm still a penniless graduate student nit.

Journalist Alan Johnson, the only full-time correspondent in Gaza, has been presumed kidnapped for the last 45 days. In sports news, the Bears offered to trade Lance Briggs as a fair rate exchange.

Scientists announced the discovery of what could be an Earth-like planet orbiting around a dwarf star. It is rumored to be the planet of origin for Sanjaya Malakar.

Finally, the Catholic Church did away with limbo, changing theology to reflect that unbaptized babies go to heaven and not limbo. A few people will, however, remain in limbo.

Baseball limbo: Bobby Valentine, manager, Chiba Lotte Marines

Acting limbo: Corey Feldman and Pauly Shore, alley off of of Hollywood and Vine

Music limbo: The Proclaimers, a different alley in Edinburgh

also: Mariah Carey and Michael Jackson, California state mental health facility

Basketball limbo: Dennis Rodman, in Vegas trying to convince the Maloof brothers he can still play

Media limbo: Don Imus, on his ranch surrounded by caucasians

Luol Deng torches Heat...film at 11.

Luol Deng torches Heat...film at 11.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates stopped just short of setting a withdrawal date for Iraq. As soon as Iraq gets the sectarian violence under control, trains troops to patrol and protect the country and finds a cure for Chagas disease, Gates pledges the American forces will leave (a welcome addition after their performance in Haditha). He refuses to mark the calendar because he wants your children's children's children to be paying for this exercise in democracy for years to come.

The Iranian high court exonerated six individuals who killed five people that were deemed to be "morally corrupt." If that defense were permissible in the United States, how many Baldwin brothers would we have left, really?

Speaking of Iranian/U.S. relations, part-time musician and full-time comedian/conservative war monger/Presidential candidate John McCain was winning friends and influencing people when he delivered an impromptu rendition of the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann" with the lyrics "Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran." That's a great way to win the voters who won't vote for John Edwards after his vigorous campaigning in Second Life video games. You can't win them all, and with these masterminds vying for office, everybody involved loses.

Apparently it was illegal for a deranged psychopath with a propensity for stalking college girls and a history of writing literature with references to incest and murder to purchase a hand gun. It was also illegal for him to buy two hand guns after his stint in the care of mental health professionals. Of course, these factors plus the Virginia Tech mass murder are not enough to get the Republicans or the Democrats to talk about gun law reform. Oh well. At least they'll still carry voters in the South.

Ohio University continues to dominate the (bad) news. OU graduate James Filiaggi sent in a last minute appeal for clemency after the governor refused his appeal from the murder of his wife. I haven't seen a Bobcat get beat up by the legal system like this since...football season.

In environmental news, a Stanford study determined that ethanol-powered vehicles would pose a threat to human health if widely used. They suggest moving out of the L.A. smog and to keep burning fossil fuels like a good little consumer.

In governmental news of the strange, NASA is becoming the new Post Office with a standoff that ended with a Nasa-employed gunman killing an engineer before turning the gun on himself. This comes a month after the diaper incident, so I'm thinking that the ranks of NASA aren't much better than the ranks of Republican Presidential candidates.

I don't know much about this particular case other than the fact that the guy is accused of some heinous crimes. Just looking at his mug shot, something tells me he will be found guilty.

Finally, I haven't spent any time hyping Pitchfork Fest, but since Slint, Sonic Youth and the GZA will be performing entire albums on Friday while a host of other indie mega acts fills up Saturday and Sunday, I should start now. As somebody who went last year, I guarantee it will be $50 well spent.