You'll Find Germs in the Strangest Places

The NBA Finals are finally set, and Cleveland only needed minimal input from King James to put away the flailing Pistons. As a Bulls fan, pretty much all I have at this point is that Jordan never lost an NBA Finals, so LeBron has only that small obstacle to overcome to crown himself as the next great thing. Of course, he lives in a 35,000 square foot mansion, so I'm sure nothing I can say will really take him down a peg.

Three of the four terrorist plotters are in custody while the fourth suspect is being hunted like a dog in the street. The plotters aimed to destroy a large portion of Queens with jet fuel and explosives. Unfortunately the suspects are not baseball knowledgeable. If they read the box scores, they would see the Mets are doing fine, in first place in the National League East. If they wanted to try something productive, Steinbrenner might let them blow up the Bronx so that he could start over from scratch after his insurance policy injured his groin.

The Washington Post issued a report detailing the increasing sophistication of weaponry being used against U.S. troops in Iraq. Unfortunately for our troops, the executive branch of government will not get any more sophisticated for the next 19 months, assuming it gets any sharper at all.

If the Oval Office does indeed sharpen up in 2008, it won't be because of the Law and Order candidate Fred Thompson. Thompson has come out as a strong defender of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the scapegoat for Plamegate who was convicted of four counts of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements. I'm not sure if Johnny Cochran could have weasled his way through that argument and kept a straight face.

Senate immigration legislation was passed through a patchwork quilt of non-partisan alliances. It is amazing how rapidly the legislative branch can form a network to make decisions about less-than-critical issues. Imagine how well this country would run if they could do that with something like, oh, say Iraq.

Voters in Arizona should have all the fuel they need to derail Senator Jon Kyl. On top of all of the immigration time wasting, Kyl was finally unmasked as the secret Senator who threw a monkey wrench in the works of improved freedom of information legislation. The information I would like to get freely is this: What kind of state would elect both John McCain and this totalitarian nimrod to the Senate at the same time?

Strange news starts off in San Diego, where guests staying at the Ivy Hotel can enjoy a room with a beautiful view...of the group shower and the fireman's pole. Trying to compete with lavish offerings in tourist destinations like Las Vegas, the place is trying to offer guests something a little out of the ordinary. It's too bad that the Yankees play in the American League, because if they played the Padres more often, I'm sure Jeter and A-Rod could make that place jump.

And if the picture of Jeter and Rodriguez slamming groupies in a rented room on bunk beds doesn't disgust you enough, perhaps you could try the Snopes report on the filthy, disgusting germs that lurk on your shopping cart handles. As long as they keep the cart germs out of my rented suite at the Ivy Hotel, I'll be fine carrying all of my groceries by hand for the rest of my hypochondriac life.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I wouldn't be the first person ever to accuse the Cubs of being unlucky. One day after pitcher Carlos Zambrano knocked out his battery mate Michael Barrett in a fight that went from the dugout to the clubhouse, manager Lou Pinella was ejected for one of his signature dirt kicking tirades. Jay Mariotti might have gotten it right about the team...what a bunch of Lou-sers.

If you think that Wrigley Field is the only spot with calamitous violence in this news cycle, think again. There were more than 100 German police officers injured in a riot that erupted in reaction to the G-8 summit meeting in the Fatherland. If nothing else, the opponents of globalization will be contributing to the coffers of those who work in the medical and automobile repair industries. The score for now is Corporate Culture 1, Radical Reform Movement 0. We will keep you updated on any changes as they occur.

Not to be outdone in violence, a U.S. warship was blowing the crap out of a Somali militant hotbed today. You have to like being able to bomb somebody to the dark ages while floating around at sea. If I had that ability, I'd be drinking margaritas on the deck while floating off the coast of Los Angeles, lobbing cruise missiles at as many of the Spellings, Baldwins and their ilk as possible on board my imaginary warship.

Violence even spilled back into New York today, with federal agents breaking up a plan to blow up jet fuel lines at JFK airport. There hasn't been a bomb scare like this in New York since the Yankees put Carl Pavano on the disabled list. That bomb, followed by A-Rod's marriage bomb and Giambi's amphetamine bomb make this an explosive, if unproductive Yankees team.

The 2008 election is fast approaching, which means all the loonies are putting their hats into the ring. Fred Thompson, a.k.a. district attorney Arthur Branch on "Law and Order," has formed a fundraising committee for his campaign. Nobody knows what he stands for, nor do they really care, but if he gets Jack McCoy to be Attorney General and Mariska Hargitay to be Vice President, he has my vote. (And don't laugh...you might remember the last time the Republicans ran an actor for President.)

Also running for the Republican nomination is Ron Paul, a libertarian eccentric who is opposed to...basically every Republican value. I may not be a campaign planner, but it seems that going against what has become standard Republican protocol might be the only way of winning an election. And no, nominating a Mormon rather than an old-fashioned Baptist is not enough against the grain.

The NY Times continues with more government action to clean up the fiasco that is student loans. Hopefully when that gets fixed, they can lend Ron Paul some money to make the Presidential debates that much more interesting.

In professional football news (the football they kick with their feet rather than throw with their hands), Cristiano Ronaldo was named player of the year and young player of the year in professional soccer. Before he even got the trophies, the Yankees and the Cubs were on the phone, learning how to ask, "Can you throw a baseball?" in Portuguese.