Slam Dunk News Day

Big man Greg Oden may be done for the season after he had microfracture surgery on his knee. The first pick in the draft should have plenty of time left to work on his dance moves with the women of Portland while the team is traveling and playing basketball games.

What would the day's news be without a pile of Iraq reports? The Dems are trying to attract moderate Republicans to join the Anti-War efforts in order to prevent a filibuster. A compromise passed regarding oil in Iraq has collapsed. Reports about the deaths of the soldiers who authored a piece that was critical of the military efforts in Iraq continue to pour in. A key U.S. ally in Iraq was killed today by a bomb planted outside his house. The best possible option for the country would be to allow Iraq to be governed by a reality television show where viewers in the country could vote on what steps should be taken next in the glorious enterprise that is democracy. That is, if they can get enough electricity to run "Iraqi Idol."

In other parts of the Middle East, tensions are flaring in Syria after Israel's air strike on mysterious targets within Syrian borders. The strikes were thought to be on nuclear targets. Both sides are tense, and whatever happened, at least the efforts didn't involve a bomb that was as big as the Cleveland Browns performance against Pittsburgh on Sunday.

The presidential debate has gone Web 2.0, with Democratic candidates communicating with the voting public in an online forum that goes by the name of the Presidential mashup. Each candidate offers their views on a series of predetermined questions, and then a few questions are generated by the audience. I'm into the health care issue, and nobody with a real chance of winning has a working plan for guaranteeing health care for all that addresses the issues I'm interested in. Until Hillary quits taking money from the insurance lobby, I'm still supporting somebody else.

Finally, vegetarianism is good for the environment. Scientists have determined that meat production is a significant contributor to global warming. Just keep eating your steaks, Earth killer. You should be able to chase your favorite piece of carcass down with a heaping helping of methane gas. Mmm mmm. Tastes like the apocalypse.

News Break

It's getting easier and easier to tackle Michael Vick. Perhaps he should attempt to move himself out of the way of all this controversy before the league takes him out for good.

Speaking of easy targets, a federal appeals court has ordered the U.S. to turn all Gitmo information over to those who are challenging their detentions in the controversial facility. It is definitely time for somebody to make contact with the pitch before the bleeding obvious goes down.

The U.S.A. isn't the only country whose decision making is being called into question by the judicial system. Whipping boy Pervez Musharraf had his decision to remove chief justice Iftikhar Chaudhry from office overturned. The move is expected to further erode the embattled President's base of support. Musharraf is learning in much the same way that Tony Blair did how ineffective siding with Generalissimo Bush can be.

Israel has attempted to bolster the credibility of Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas by freeing 250 prisoners. Only in the Middle East and Paul Brown Stadium do more criminals give you a better chance at victory.

Mariane Pearl, widow of journalist Daniel Pearl, has filed a lawsuit against those responsible for the crime of murdering Daniel in Pakistan. She is suing a bank that she alleges is responsible for orchestrating and supporting the senseless act. In all of my future endeavors, my banking centers will not have blood on their hands as it will make me feel guiltier than usual when I'm paying my bills.

Democratic representatives in the legislature have been forced to push back voting reforms until the 2012 election. Based upon the last two Presidential elections coupled with the current batch of Republican candidates, the only chance the Republicans have to win the 2008 election is to push election reform back to 2012.

Google owns just about everything, and if they have their way, they'll be a Google phone coming soon to a theater near you. Google is proposing changes in the legislation regarding cell phone use. The next step is most likely for Google to send somebody over to your house to hang out and monitor you all day, thus effectively giving Google control over everything you do.

The Los Angeles Times profiled a family from New Hampshire who refuses to pay taxes and is challenging the government to come and get the back taxes. I have to admire the Bruce Campbell-like tenacity of some people's convictions.

Finally, NBA referee Tim Donaghy got in a bit of trouble when he was snared in a federal investigation alleging he made calls in games in order to influence the point spread for mobsters who were involved in gambling. I don't know for sure, but I bet that his career is over. Odds are he is a complete screw up. I'd wager his next job is going to be getting fouled by his cell mate.

You Can't Teach Height

photo illustration by Jennifer Pottheiser, Getty Images

After literally minutes of deliberation, the Portland Jailblazers used the first pick of the 2007 NBA Draft to select Greg Oden. over number two choice Kevin Durant. The Trailblazers hope that the looks-50-but-actually-19-year-old center Oden will turn around a franchise that has been short on success since Clyde the Glide was losing NBA titles to Da Bulls while moving better than he did in his ill-fated appearance on "Dancing with the Stars." The Bulls took Joakim Noah in a move that should give us an entire roster of Final Four players, an entire roster of guys who jump high, run fast and can't score down low alongside an entire roster of guys with as many title rings as Mark Price and Karl Malone.

Dick Cheney and his insidious nature continue to top the news box. A few days ago, a Washington Post blog link addressed by this blog spoke of one of Cheney's nature gaffes. The House Natural Resources Committee would like to ask Count Cheney-la about his role in the killing of 70,000 salmon a few years ago. It's obvious he did it; it's ashame (and even more obvious) that he'll get away with it.

Democrats slugged it out in the debate, coming to a consensus that none of them liked the Supreme Court decision to limit the factor of race from decisions of school integration. Rather than crying over spilt milk, the party might have attempted to win the last election, a move that would have allowed them the power to nominate justices that would not have made this decision.

Speaking of long-simmering issues, the Senate crunked the second attempt to address immigration legisltion. At this rate, by the time Mexico reannexes the Southwest these laws ought to pass.

The Cleveland Scene covers a few online independent music sales portals that are creating real competition for conglomerate cogs like iTunes and the major(ly dissapointing) record labels. I'll throw my support behind anything that keeps big business out of MY music collection. This would be the same big business threatening to block Prince from selling his music in record stores because his Purpleness is giving his new album away free in a Sunday newspaper as a promotion.

The bald eagle was removed from the endangered species list for the first time in 40 years recently. Ted Nugent and his arsenal should have one bagged by Sunday.

MSNBC host Mika Brzezinski delivered a colorful protest about leading the broadcast with news about Paris Hilton. Joe Scarborough was in support of the importance of Paris news, but Ms. Brzezinski would have none of it. The only kind of Paris news I want is video that shows multiple clips of the hotel heiress doing drugs and making racist statements. Hilton is like the girl next door if you grew up in a brothel.

And with the ninth pick in the NBA Draft...

The Bulls got Joakim Noah. I don't know whether to gloat or plan future trades.

Every Little Thing You Do Is Tragic

Photo by Christopher Berkey/NYTimes

The stench has dissipated from Manchester, Tenn. now that the yearly musical cornucopia of Bonnaroo has wrapped up. This festival offers acts from across the musical spectrum as opposed to consisting of Trey, Dave and their lackey offspring. Some acts are great, while relying on Tool and the Police as the headliners is questionable at best and pathetically reminiscent memories of way-back-when at worst. Blogs and news outlets were all over this as these links show. Rather than express my distaste for mega-festivals and their destruction of local and regional music scenes, I'll let the Web links speak about something else.


Apparently Alberto Gonzales and the White House (along with their primitive understanding of the inner workings of the legal system) are screwing themselves in court with their controversial firing of eight judges. At least somebody is paying the price for what seemed like political suicide six weeks ago.


More bad news is coming from Walter Reed. The mental care in the military is as bad as the other care, suffering from the shortsightedness of both the White House and the Legislature. By 2008, the veterans of the conflict alongside everybody else are going to need mental care after listening to eight years of Bush rhetoric coupled with two years of Democratic excuses.

Separatist rebels in Ethiopia are criticizing the tactics of the much larger Army. It sounds much like the Tampa Bay Devil Rays fans complain about how the Yankees keep winning.

The United States has taken pollution to the next level. Now, instead of merely producing pollution domestically and spreading it around the world the old fashioned way, smelters are producing voluminous quantities of lead to poison the local population in Peru. The United States has proven that if we can't offend you one way, we'll find something to irritate you eventually.

Kobe Bryant has announced on his blog that he wants to be traded. He announced this after he announced that he was staying after he announced he wanted to be traded after he announced he was staying in basketball after he announced was going to become a vegan chef in Malibu after he announced he was going to become a documentary film maker after he announced he wanted to be traded.

A 111-year-old Japanese man credits his longevity to steering clear of alcohol. Apparently the world's oldest man never got an opportunity to check the research literature.

Elvis Presley, a man who lived the opposite of a teetotaler's life, had his gun and prescription medicines auctioned off in Beverly Hills. Apparently the definition of what qualifies as memorabilia is All Shook Up. Elvis did enough drugs to wind up in a Jailhouse Rock. I would have a Suspicious Mind to look into the validity of Elvis' prescription meds.

Be Careful Who You Have a Crush On

If you were thinking that Paris Hilton might be a good rebound hook up after she gets out of jail, just read the name on that Valtrex prescription. The best known little secret in L.A. got out via the relaunching of the Paris Exposed Web site and was reposted by the Smoking Gun. Hopefully God can help her with the little breakouts. I'm sure Ron Mexico would still date her if he isn't jailed for dog fighting.

The fighting in Gaza has caused the Palestinian alliance to be dismantled. The Washington Post believes that the events plainly illustrate Bush's failed vision of the Middle East. The scenario is: Abbas fires the Hamas leadership, Hamas takes Gaza, Fatah takes the West bank and everybody involved loses.

The immigration bill, widely supported by Americans, has found a second life. Now if only the bill that was going to pull American troops out of Iraq could find new life, we could say the legislative branch has accomplished something this term.

The space program once again proved that the space cadets in government aren't merely part of the Bush White House. Computer system repairs and other quick fixes have extended the stay of the Atlantis aboard the international space station. The Christian Science Monitor addresses the problems with aging computer equipment aboard the space station. I urge them against downgrading their systems to Vista.

Former U.N. Chief (and Nazi) Kurt Waldheim died yesterday. Most of Waldheim's defenses of his membership in the Nazi army sound suspiciously like defenses offered by Scooter Libby about his membership in the Republican Party.

Thankfully the NBA Finals are over. The Spurs brought out the brooms to sweep the hapless Cavs out of the most boring event since the last Olympic synchronized swimming competition. Across the border, a highly-touted young superstar got his initial taste of recognition as the game's top player when Sidney Crosby took home his first Hart Trophy as the league MVP. At least one of the hype monsters is as good as advertised. LeBron has little to worry about, though, because nobody will criticize him for losing a series that they didn't watch.

Crazy news starts off with the FBI logging its one millionth zombie computer. Luckily it isn't just the people using AIM while watching YouTube and updating their MySpace page that are zombies.

In the field of perseverance, a 73 year old Indian man failed his 10th grade examination for the 39th straight time. He was hoping the test would improve his marriage prospects. In America, they would have passed him based solely on his undying commitment. Most schools can't get high schoolers to show up 39 times per year. I'd suggest bypassing secondary school and aim straight for your Juris Doctorate from the University of Phoenix.

Finally, the YouTube candidate Barack Obama is being countered on the popular video sharing sight...by a half-dressed girl on a stripper pole singing about her crush on Obama. This video demonstrates the changing nature of campaign politics, as well as the fact that I will click on almost any link with a half-dressed woman on the other end.

There are Different Degrees of Losing

It's going to be hard for me to say, but I have a better chance at becoming a bikini model than Cleveland has at becoming NBA champion. Game 4 should provide a great soundtrack to bore you to sleep at night.

If you're looking for something to get you excited, perhaps the bombing of one of Iraq's holiest sites will make you more than a little uneasy. The first attack years ago has been cited as the root of sectarian violence in the region. In technical terms, blowing the towers at the shrine up fucked everything up worse than it is fucked up already.

The two sides of the Palestinian coin Hamas and Fatah are engaged in a bitter civil war/power struggle, and they have decided to turn up the heat. Nothing is out of bounds, with military forces attacking leadership houses. I'm not sure if you were ever really safe walking around the streets of Gaza, but I'm guessing today is a little less safe than it was yesterday.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been under fire since he silenced a critical television station. Chavez, the clown prince of the Southern hemisphere, is starting to flex his inner Machiavelli. If only the U.S. government could revoke Fox News' license for failing to serve the public interest, I'd vote Chavez for President in 2008.

News of the weird leads off with an L.A. Times profiling students that live a college life while not actually being enrolled in school. Let me be the first to tell you that if I didn't have to be in school, I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging around the library pretending to study philosophy.

Texas officials are reporting on widespread use amongst high school kids of a heroin-based cocktail drug known as cheese heroin. The $2 smack is mixed with the drug found in Tylenol PM and other sleeping medicines. I never needed help falling asleep in high school, and I have never done a drug named after a dairy product. But then again I have never lived in Texas.

Stalker engine Facebook has drummed up federal charges for an online predator. Allowing people like this into the Facebook community is akin to allowing a Catholic priest to be in charge of a youth summer camp. Shame on Facebook and the predator (and while I'm at it, shame on the Catholic Church).

Russia, the country that poisons critics in other nations, poisoned Kremlin protesters...with the smell of feces. Most protesters were driven away by the foul aroma of fertilizer that was conveniently strewn around the protest area. You know what they say. If it looks like shit and smells like shit...

Woke Up This Morning, Got Myself a Gun

I don't want to say that the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic, but the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic. No show spends more time teasing you and not accomplishing anything. Basically everything is still in play, and David Chase just delivered a stupid mindfuck of an ending. Just watch the next to last episode, then fast forward to the last 20 minutes of the finale and you'll be on the best possible journey.

If there was any question as to why Vista is eventually going to rule the world, look no further than the Times article about the Justice Department's unwavering support of Microsoft.
Justice may be blind, but it isn't immune to stylishly executed bribery to be sure.

The lack of response in Sudan from the U.S. could be connected to the U.S. reliance on the controversial country's services. Ahh, foreign diplomacy...the only place where you can have your cake and eat it too.

Continuing the cheap puns department, the Army is robbing Peter to pay Paul by arming the Iraqi Sunnis to battle the insurgency. The military sees a long-term occupation of Iraq, so at this point they'll try anything. Perhaps they should check into how popular past arms deals have been.

Joe Lieberman is busy trying to keep his place on the mantle as the Democratic loose cannon. The Holy Trinity of Wackos (George Bush, John McCain and Lieberman) are advocating strikes against Iran based upon the country's support of insurgents attacking American troops. I now know that that the entire cast of Kerry, Edwards and Lieberman in the last Presidential election was a bunch of dolts from top to bottom. I'm voting Kucinich this year.

Giuliani is apparently not loved by Black New York. It seems difficult to believe that a disingenuous man who supported everything and stood for nothing, repeatedly marrying and divorcing cousins all the while dressed like Marilyn Monroe would have trouble winning over voters of any race, ethnicity or gender.

The battle of the sexes got tilted in the favor of the ladies this weekend when filly Rags to Riches beat all the boys at the Belmont, the third jewel in horse racing's Triple Crown. Typically you have to staple me to a chair to get me to watch horses run around a track. The race was a photo finish, and the girl came in first. Trainer Todd Pletcher can check out the new-fangled anti-counterfeiting measures on his celebratory bottle of champagne.

Hopefully LeBron James, the Cavs or some viewers show up to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals, because these performances make curling seem intense.

You'll Find Germs in the Strangest Places

The NBA Finals are finally set, and Cleveland only needed minimal input from King James to put away the flailing Pistons. As a Bulls fan, pretty much all I have at this point is that Jordan never lost an NBA Finals, so LeBron has only that small obstacle to overcome to crown himself as the next great thing. Of course, he lives in a 35,000 square foot mansion, so I'm sure nothing I can say will really take him down a peg.

Three of the four terrorist plotters are in custody while the fourth suspect is being hunted like a dog in the street. The plotters aimed to destroy a large portion of Queens with jet fuel and explosives. Unfortunately the suspects are not baseball knowledgeable. If they read the box scores, they would see the Mets are doing fine, in first place in the National League East. If they wanted to try something productive, Steinbrenner might let them blow up the Bronx so that he could start over from scratch after his insurance policy injured his groin.

The Washington Post issued a report detailing the increasing sophistication of weaponry being used against U.S. troops in Iraq. Unfortunately for our troops, the executive branch of government will not get any more sophisticated for the next 19 months, assuming it gets any sharper at all.

If the Oval Office does indeed sharpen up in 2008, it won't be because of the Law and Order candidate Fred Thompson. Thompson has come out as a strong defender of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the scapegoat for Plamegate who was convicted of four counts of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements. I'm not sure if Johnny Cochran could have weasled his way through that argument and kept a straight face.

Senate immigration legislation was passed through a patchwork quilt of non-partisan alliances. It is amazing how rapidly the legislative branch can form a network to make decisions about less-than-critical issues. Imagine how well this country would run if they could do that with something like, oh, say Iraq.

Voters in Arizona should have all the fuel they need to derail Senator Jon Kyl. On top of all of the immigration time wasting, Kyl was finally unmasked as the secret Senator who threw a monkey wrench in the works of improved freedom of information legislation. The information I would like to get freely is this: What kind of state would elect both John McCain and this totalitarian nimrod to the Senate at the same time?

Strange news starts off in San Diego, where guests staying at the Ivy Hotel can enjoy a room with a beautiful view...of the group shower and the fireman's pole. Trying to compete with lavish offerings in tourist destinations like Las Vegas, the place is trying to offer guests something a little out of the ordinary. It's too bad that the Yankees play in the American League, because if they played the Padres more often, I'm sure Jeter and A-Rod could make that place jump.

And if the picture of Jeter and Rodriguez slamming groupies in a rented room on bunk beds doesn't disgust you enough, perhaps you could try the Snopes report on the filthy, disgusting germs that lurk on your shopping cart handles. As long as they keep the cart germs out of my rented suite at the Ivy Hotel, I'll be fine carrying all of my groceries by hand for the rest of my hypochondriac life.

Some Cheese Smells Like Sweat

Rasheed Wallace is to technical fouls what Ron Jeremy is to cheap, meaningless sex. The major differentiating factor is that Jeremy gets paid for the sex while Rasheed typically pays for the fouls. This time Wallace paid with a loss, and some poor sap got rewarded with a sweaty jersey to the face. Check the video to see if Wallace is technically foul.

As of this morning, the 219 troops killed this month surpassed the highest total of deaths for two months of combat in Iraq. With Thursday still falling in May, all of the opponents of the war in Iraq may have to eat their hats when they see how the mission has succeeded in exceeding one minimum measurement of success. Unfortunately, the milestone is total troops killed, and nobody is going to wear that medal around town.

Zheng Xiaoyu, former chief of China's food and drug safety organization, was sentenced to death for his role in the contaminated pet food public relations disaster that damaged the reputations of China's food and drug industries. Perhaps if President Bush had sent Paul Wolfowitz out the same way, the world would have more faith in new World Bank Presidential nominee Robert Zoellick.

Turkey, a nation with a clearly defined separation of religion and state, has entered unknown waters. The nation, which is 95 percent Muslim, has elected a Muslim President and Prime Minister. Educated elites and the military are adamantly opposed to the move, and new elections have been called for the Presidency. As a free piece of advice, the United States elected a deeply religious man who shared a common belief with much of the population. Take a look at how well that worked out for us.

Slate works on profiling the Republican's next generation flip-flopper Mitt Romney. If the fact that he's a Mormon isn't enough to get you to vote for somebody else, you can at least compare his wavering opinion of a multitude of issues to Giuliani's sordid pro-life/pro-choice stance. This creates my entry into the 2008 Republican Election Slogan contest (if there is in fact a contest and I didn't fabricate it out of thin air) :

The Republican Party 2008: We can't get any more crazy--can we?

Speaking of crazy, the Joseph McCarthy of international athletics Dick Pound advances his case for drug testing in the sport that needs it most--golf. It isn't certain what the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency expects to find, but if Vegas is taking bets, I'll put money on John Daly being the first to test positive based on his past life as the human beer keg.

Criminally good taste was displayed by a band of armed robbers in South Africa who were robbing grocery stores of all their money...and imported cheeses. The robbers would run through the store and grab expensive food, bathroom supplies and vitamins while robbing the registers at gun point. It is offensive that Rosie O'Donnell has to send out a death squad to do her grocery shopping while she recovers from the Elisabeth Hasselbeck hangover. Shame on her!

Shooting and Sometimes Scoring

There is absolutely no substitute for being able to nail a last second shot. Hopefully LeBron James took lessons from Zack Greer, the guy whose shot won it for Duke lacrosse with 3 seconds remaining on the clock. If Wise Lebron isn't paying attention, he will be watching the finals at home much like the Cornell goaltender who today tasted defeat for the first time this season. (And congratulations to a Duke team who will get a shot to bring home their first national championship Monday and almost deserves one after having their name dragged through the mud by nefarious prosecutor Mike Nifong.)

Today, the ultimate source for political commentary Golf magazine addresses the cartoon that is the choice of Presidential candidates. I can't say I disagree. Hopefully I don't have to pick between Rudy and Hill-dog.

Media law dominated the day, starting with the big-ticket freedom of information legislation that was torpedoed by an anonymous senator. There's only 100 of these supposed representatives to sift through...I call on all the fury of the media and the voting public to figure out who and why.

Luckily enough, not every member of Capitol Hill is working to screw media law. In the field of copyright, the 100th representative was signed on in support of the internet equality act. The act opposes impending legislation that will significantly increase royalty rates on Web radio. This move could effectively stifle the development of independent Web radio. The only Web radio that should be stifled is any that involves Don Imus or Opie and Anthony, so contact your representative, express support for the internet equality act and save net radio.

On the privacy front, the European Union and Google are creating friction over Google's data collection practices. It is an interesting and important issue, and I would like both Google and the European Union to know that it was somebody else who used my IP address and lap top to search for those interesting queries involving produce.

Also from CMJ (and in need of more Web radio publicity) is the report on the new Liars album scheduled to be released later this year. They were fantastic at Pitchfork Fest last year, if for no other reason then the band brought a smile to my face in the 100 degree heat when the guitarist thrashed his way into a unitard during a drum break. Nothing makes me smile quite like typing the word "unitard." But they play interesting, intense music that's not to be missed.

Finally, in the category of esotericism, Danish Tour de France champion Bjarne Riis became the first of the gang to admit to doping. This is a marked departure from champions Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong, who deny deny deny everything despite all evidence to the contrary. Let's recognize Riis for being forthcoming in a sport that's frankly on more drugs, prescription and otherwise, than Mike Tyson.

And flight attendant Lisa Robertson, canned for helping actor Ralph Fiennes join the mile high club, has found new employment as the spokeswoman for a Sydney, Australia bordello. Her meteoric rise in employment stock after fucking around in airplanes can only be topped by George W. Bush becoming President after his "service record" in the National Guard.

Big Mac with a Small News

The NBA Playoffs are upon us. Hear the collective yawn escape everybody who stayed up to watch the Houston/Utah game last night and the collective gasp escape everybody in Cleveland and the NBA front office who saw LeBron turn his ankle today!

Criticism continues to pour in from Iraq. The Sunni bloc leader said that the proposed Shia/Sunni wall that will split neighborhoods in Baghdad will not work and will make things worse. The White House may want to look into the popularity of the former wall in Berlin to get an idea of how well this plan will endear them to the people.

At least security forces in Iraq are finally taking the initiative to act like Americans after a New York Times story came out about confessions being beaten out of detainees. If American hasn't taught Iraq about democracy, at least Iraqis learned how Steven Seagal gets information in his police films.

In national security issues, Air Force generals have ordered a review of defense mechanisms for satellites in orbit in outer space. This comes after the Chinese demonstrated the ability to shoot down one of their own satellites in orbit, hinting at the potential to unleash an electronic communication attack on the United States. As long as the first satellite taken down cuts off FoxNews to Ohio, the self-defense program is exactly where it needs to be.

Mutually assured destruction is also part of Commander in Chief Bush's national security plan, and he's keeping that concept alive with a bang as he moves forward with his plan to update America's nuclear arsenal. His abilities in foreign diplomacy are exceeded only by Kevin McHale's ability in basketball team building.

Wolfowitz and his efforts to repair Jewish/Islamic relations by dating across the divide continue to make the news. Ahh yes...the World Bank...fighting poverty one scandalous relationship at a time.

The Washington Post adds a caveat to those buying into Barack Obama's pledge to eschew donations from federal lobbyists. He is apparently bypassing the federal lobbyist money by taking money from...everybody else, including state lobbyists. He's a man of principles. Not very strongly held principles, but they are principles nonetheless.

In Cuban news, he's back! Fidel Castro met with Chinese officials in Cuba for the first time since his hiatus after diverticular disease surgery that installed, of all things, an artificial anus. He was going to try an anus transplant, but Karl Rove has been busy preparing a defense for his missteps and was unavailable to be sewn to the end of Castro's intestine.

Bill O'Reilly continues to be fair and balanced in arguing with anybody who will listen. His latest altercation involved Denver Post media critic Joanne Ostrow, a columnist who refused to appear on his show after she penned a critical review of O'Reilly's work. Undeterred, O'Reilly ambushed Ostrow in the grocery store parking lot with camera crew in tow. It sounds like this plus the wrestling match with Geraldo Rivera indicate that the no-spin zone is spinning out of control.

Public health professional Bernie Ellis is getting out of jail but is threatened with having his farm repossessed by the government after serving time on a medical marijuana conviction. Looking more like Jerry Orbach than Jerry Garcia, Ellis' actions have garnered great attention from medical rights advocates and more attention from Pacman Jones, who is going to need a hookup during his first eight game suspension at the beginning of season.

In conclusion, bizarre stories lead off with an Amish crime spree involving kidnap and buggy-jacking. The police are guessing the perpatrators could be anywhere within the three square mile radius they could have traveled in the horse-drawn carriage since the events transpired.

These same police may be amongst the heroes that saved Ronald McDonald from almost certain death after he was hanged and disfigured. McDonald was probably saying to himself, "Ouch...I'm not loving it!"

Luol Deng torches Heat...film at 11.

Luol Deng torches Heat...film at 11.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates stopped just short of setting a withdrawal date for Iraq. As soon as Iraq gets the sectarian violence under control, trains troops to patrol and protect the country and finds a cure for Chagas disease, Gates pledges the American forces will leave (a welcome addition after their performance in Haditha). He refuses to mark the calendar because he wants your children's children's children to be paying for this exercise in democracy for years to come.

The Iranian high court exonerated six individuals who killed five people that were deemed to be "morally corrupt." If that defense were permissible in the United States, how many Baldwin brothers would we have left, really?

Speaking of Iranian/U.S. relations, part-time musician and full-time comedian/conservative war monger/Presidential candidate John McCain was winning friends and influencing people when he delivered an impromptu rendition of the Beach Boys' song "Barbara Ann" with the lyrics "Bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran." That's a great way to win the voters who won't vote for John Edwards after his vigorous campaigning in Second Life video games. You can't win them all, and with these masterminds vying for office, everybody involved loses.

Apparently it was illegal for a deranged psychopath with a propensity for stalking college girls and a history of writing literature with references to incest and murder to purchase a hand gun. It was also illegal for him to buy two hand guns after his stint in the care of mental health professionals. Of course, these factors plus the Virginia Tech mass murder are not enough to get the Republicans or the Democrats to talk about gun law reform. Oh well. At least they'll still carry voters in the South.

Ohio University continues to dominate the (bad) news. OU graduate James Filiaggi sent in a last minute appeal for clemency after the governor refused his appeal from the murder of his wife. I haven't seen a Bobcat get beat up by the legal system like this since...football season.

In environmental news, a Stanford study determined that ethanol-powered vehicles would pose a threat to human health if widely used. They suggest moving out of the L.A. smog and to keep burning fossil fuels like a good little consumer.

In governmental news of the strange, NASA is becoming the new Post Office with a standoff that ended with a Nasa-employed gunman killing an engineer before turning the gun on himself. This comes a month after the diaper incident, so I'm thinking that the ranks of NASA aren't much better than the ranks of Republican Presidential candidates.

I don't know much about this particular case other than the fact that the guy is accused of some heinous crimes. Just looking at his mug shot, something tells me he will be found guilty.

Finally, I haven't spent any time hyping Pitchfork Fest, but since Slint, Sonic Youth and the GZA will be performing entire albums on Friday while a host of other indie mega acts fills up Saturday and Sunday, I should start now. As somebody who went last year, I guarantee it will be $50 well spent.