Be Careful Who You Have a Crush On

If you were thinking that Paris Hilton might be a good rebound hook up after she gets out of jail, just read the name on that Valtrex prescription. The best known little secret in L.A. got out via the relaunching of the Paris Exposed Web site and was reposted by the Smoking Gun. Hopefully God can help her with the little breakouts. I'm sure Ron Mexico would still date her if he isn't jailed for dog fighting.

The fighting in Gaza has caused the Palestinian alliance to be dismantled. The Washington Post believes that the events plainly illustrate Bush's failed vision of the Middle East. The scenario is: Abbas fires the Hamas leadership, Hamas takes Gaza, Fatah takes the West bank and everybody involved loses.

The immigration bill, widely supported by Americans, has found a second life. Now if only the bill that was going to pull American troops out of Iraq could find new life, we could say the legislative branch has accomplished something this term.

The space program once again proved that the space cadets in government aren't merely part of the Bush White House. Computer system repairs and other quick fixes have extended the stay of the Atlantis aboard the international space station. The Christian Science Monitor addresses the problems with aging computer equipment aboard the space station. I urge them against downgrading their systems to Vista.

Former U.N. Chief (and Nazi) Kurt Waldheim died yesterday. Most of Waldheim's defenses of his membership in the Nazi army sound suspiciously like defenses offered by Scooter Libby about his membership in the Republican Party.

Thankfully the NBA Finals are over. The Spurs brought out the brooms to sweep the hapless Cavs out of the most boring event since the last Olympic synchronized swimming competition. Across the border, a highly-touted young superstar got his initial taste of recognition as the game's top player when Sidney Crosby took home his first Hart Trophy as the league MVP. At least one of the hype monsters is as good as advertised. LeBron has little to worry about, though, because nobody will criticize him for losing a series that they didn't watch.

Crazy news starts off with the FBI logging its one millionth zombie computer. Luckily it isn't just the people using AIM while watching YouTube and updating their MySpace page that are zombies.

In the field of perseverance, a 73 year old Indian man failed his 10th grade examination for the 39th straight time. He was hoping the test would improve his marriage prospects. In America, they would have passed him based solely on his undying commitment. Most schools can't get high schoolers to show up 39 times per year. I'd suggest bypassing secondary school and aim straight for your Juris Doctorate from the University of Phoenix.

Finally, the YouTube candidate Barack Obama is being countered on the popular video sharing sight...by a half-dressed girl on a stripper pole singing about her crush on Obama. This video demonstrates the changing nature of campaign politics, as well as the fact that I will click on almost any link with a half-dressed woman on the other end.

Woke Up This Morning, Got Myself a Gun

I don't want to say that the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic, but the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic. No show spends more time teasing you and not accomplishing anything. Basically everything is still in play, and David Chase just delivered a stupid mindfuck of an ending. Just watch the next to last episode, then fast forward to the last 20 minutes of the finale and you'll be on the best possible journey.

If there was any question as to why Vista is eventually going to rule the world, look no further than the Times article about the Justice Department's unwavering support of Microsoft.
Justice may be blind, but it isn't immune to stylishly executed bribery to be sure.

The lack of response in Sudan from the U.S. could be connected to the U.S. reliance on the controversial country's services. Ahh, foreign diplomacy...the only place where you can have your cake and eat it too.

Continuing the cheap puns department, the Army is robbing Peter to pay Paul by arming the Iraqi Sunnis to battle the insurgency. The military sees a long-term occupation of Iraq, so at this point they'll try anything. Perhaps they should check into how popular past arms deals have been.

Joe Lieberman is busy trying to keep his place on the mantle as the Democratic loose cannon. The Holy Trinity of Wackos (George Bush, John McCain and Lieberman) are advocating strikes against Iran based upon the country's support of insurgents attacking American troops. I now know that that the entire cast of Kerry, Edwards and Lieberman in the last Presidential election was a bunch of dolts from top to bottom. I'm voting Kucinich this year.

Giuliani is apparently not loved by Black New York. It seems difficult to believe that a disingenuous man who supported everything and stood for nothing, repeatedly marrying and divorcing cousins all the while dressed like Marilyn Monroe would have trouble winning over voters of any race, ethnicity or gender.

The battle of the sexes got tilted in the favor of the ladies this weekend when filly Rags to Riches beat all the boys at the Belmont, the third jewel in horse racing's Triple Crown. Typically you have to staple me to a chair to get me to watch horses run around a track. The race was a photo finish, and the girl came in first. Trainer Todd Pletcher can check out the new-fangled anti-counterfeiting measures on his celebratory bottle of champagne.

Hopefully LeBron James, the Cavs or some viewers show up to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals, because these performances make curling seem intense.

You'll Find Germs in the Strangest Places

The NBA Finals are finally set, and Cleveland only needed minimal input from King James to put away the flailing Pistons. As a Bulls fan, pretty much all I have at this point is that Jordan never lost an NBA Finals, so LeBron has only that small obstacle to overcome to crown himself as the next great thing. Of course, he lives in a 35,000 square foot mansion, so I'm sure nothing I can say will really take him down a peg.

Three of the four terrorist plotters are in custody while the fourth suspect is being hunted like a dog in the street. The plotters aimed to destroy a large portion of Queens with jet fuel and explosives. Unfortunately the suspects are not baseball knowledgeable. If they read the box scores, they would see the Mets are doing fine, in first place in the National League East. If they wanted to try something productive, Steinbrenner might let them blow up the Bronx so that he could start over from scratch after his insurance policy injured his groin.

The Washington Post issued a report detailing the increasing sophistication of weaponry being used against U.S. troops in Iraq. Unfortunately for our troops, the executive branch of government will not get any more sophisticated for the next 19 months, assuming it gets any sharper at all.

If the Oval Office does indeed sharpen up in 2008, it won't be because of the Law and Order candidate Fred Thompson. Thompson has come out as a strong defender of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the scapegoat for Plamegate who was convicted of four counts of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements. I'm not sure if Johnny Cochran could have weasled his way through that argument and kept a straight face.

Senate immigration legislation was passed through a patchwork quilt of non-partisan alliances. It is amazing how rapidly the legislative branch can form a network to make decisions about less-than-critical issues. Imagine how well this country would run if they could do that with something like, oh, say Iraq.

Voters in Arizona should have all the fuel they need to derail Senator Jon Kyl. On top of all of the immigration time wasting, Kyl was finally unmasked as the secret Senator who threw a monkey wrench in the works of improved freedom of information legislation. The information I would like to get freely is this: What kind of state would elect both John McCain and this totalitarian nimrod to the Senate at the same time?

Strange news starts off in San Diego, where guests staying at the Ivy Hotel can enjoy a room with a beautiful view...of the group shower and the fireman's pole. Trying to compete with lavish offerings in tourist destinations like Las Vegas, the place is trying to offer guests something a little out of the ordinary. It's too bad that the Yankees play in the American League, because if they played the Padres more often, I'm sure Jeter and A-Rod could make that place jump.

And if the picture of Jeter and Rodriguez slamming groupies in a rented room on bunk beds doesn't disgust you enough, perhaps you could try the Snopes report on the filthy, disgusting germs that lurk on your shopping cart handles. As long as they keep the cart germs out of my rented suite at the Ivy Hotel, I'll be fine carrying all of my groceries by hand for the rest of my hypochondriac life.

Shooting and Sometimes Scoring

There is absolutely no substitute for being able to nail a last second shot. Hopefully LeBron James took lessons from Zack Greer, the guy whose shot won it for Duke lacrosse with 3 seconds remaining on the clock. If Wise Lebron isn't paying attention, he will be watching the finals at home much like the Cornell goaltender who today tasted defeat for the first time this season. (And congratulations to a Duke team who will get a shot to bring home their first national championship Monday and almost deserves one after having their name dragged through the mud by nefarious prosecutor Mike Nifong.)

Today, the ultimate source for political commentary Golf magazine addresses the cartoon that is the choice of Presidential candidates. I can't say I disagree. Hopefully I don't have to pick between Rudy and Hill-dog.

Media law dominated the day, starting with the big-ticket freedom of information legislation that was torpedoed by an anonymous senator. There's only 100 of these supposed representatives to sift through...I call on all the fury of the media and the voting public to figure out who and why.

Luckily enough, not every member of Capitol Hill is working to screw media law. In the field of copyright, the 100th representative was signed on in support of the internet equality act. The act opposes impending legislation that will significantly increase royalty rates on Web radio. This move could effectively stifle the development of independent Web radio. The only Web radio that should be stifled is any that involves Don Imus or Opie and Anthony, so contact your representative, express support for the internet equality act and save net radio.

On the privacy front, the European Union and Google are creating friction over Google's data collection practices. It is an interesting and important issue, and I would like both Google and the European Union to know that it was somebody else who used my IP address and lap top to search for those interesting queries involving produce.

Also from CMJ (and in need of more Web radio publicity) is the report on the new Liars album scheduled to be released later this year. They were fantastic at Pitchfork Fest last year, if for no other reason then the band brought a smile to my face in the 100 degree heat when the guitarist thrashed his way into a unitard during a drum break. Nothing makes me smile quite like typing the word "unitard." But they play interesting, intense music that's not to be missed.

Finally, in the category of esotericism, Danish Tour de France champion Bjarne Riis became the first of the gang to admit to doping. This is a marked departure from champions Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong, who deny deny deny everything despite all evidence to the contrary. Let's recognize Riis for being forthcoming in a sport that's frankly on more drugs, prescription and otherwise, than Mike Tyson.

And flight attendant Lisa Robertson, canned for helping actor Ralph Fiennes join the mile high club, has found new employment as the spokeswoman for a Sydney, Australia bordello. Her meteoric rise in employment stock after fucking around in airplanes can only be topped by George W. Bush becoming President after his "service record" in the National Guard.

Walking Your Way to a Better Vagina

Topping the list of protest efforts that can only have unemployed (or extremely dedicated) participants is the March of the People. The June 21st march begins at Union Park in Chicago and will stretch all the way to Washington, D.C. over a long period of time. I recommend that all participants run, not walk through Gary, Ind.

Possibly the only story that could follow a story of a cross country protest march is a story about the steady increase in the number of cosmetic labia (or "designer vagina") surgeries. It is unclear what this says about the vanity level of the United States. The only thing that is clear is that this may not be the last time I read or hear the word vaginoplasty.

I'll end with a little bit of word play. LeBron James is the opposite of clutch. That is all.