The Seven Blunders of the World

It is official. The votes are in for the New 7 Wonders of the World. Some of the wonders were shoo-ins. Some were more controversial. I feel that the omission of Jessica Alba's body was a grave oversight. According to the rules, the submission had to be discovered by the year 2000, and that was the year Dark Angel was on TV, so problem solved.

As many as 150 people were killed in a suicide bombing 100 miles north of Baghdad Saturday. The attack was estimated to be the most devastating of the year. This should continue the ever-shortening yardstick for success in Iraq (the Bush administration has pared the yardstick down to a trim six inches by now, and it's growing shorter by the day).

On the other terror front, the NYTimes is reporting that U.S. forces aborted a planned attack against the upper hierarchy of Al Qaeda in Pakistan in 2005. This marks the second time our energies in Afghanistan were called off at the last minute when they were getting close to the upper echelon of Al Qaeda, and the first time the Bush administration has supported abortion.

Always one to drag his feet, Bush is refusing to turn over Congressionally required documents related to the partisan terminations of nine U.S. attorneys. He IS the President, and apparently he can take his ball and go home.

Dick Cheney's fingerprints keep coming out more clearly on the issue of indefinite detentions. Cheney is under so much pressure at this point that he's hoping for Bush to make some embarrassing public gaffe to get people's attention focused on somebody who isn't named Dick Cheney.

The Red Mosque standoff in Pakistan continues to be at an impasse. The men leading the mosque are under criminal investigations and are described as "hardened terrorists" by investigators. The Al Qaeda linked group is holding hostages and threatening to commit suicide rather than being captured, two activities that won't do much to soften their image as criminal scum.

Fred Thompson is on record proving he can play for both sides, even in the Watergate hearings. Thompson, who cut his teeth turning the screws to Nixon in public committees, is recorded on the ocean of Nixon tapes and named as a sympathetic supporter. Nixon also calls the Law and Order star "dumb as hell" but willing to cooperate. Who knew Arthur Branch would compromise his ethics so?

Sports news today centered around people beating the crap out of each other. IBF heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko TKOed Lamon Brewster in six rounds Saturday night in Germany. Even better, Klitschko beat Brewster with a broken hand. The big money UFC fight between Tito Ortiz and Rashad Evans was a draw, proving that all of the hype that mixed martial arts was pushing boxing to the fringes of society might have been a bit premature.

Somebody's Watching You (But Who's Watching Them?)

Artwork by David Shrigley

Sometimes you see things coming. Other times, events surprise you. As long as events continue as they are, most events in your daily life will continue to defy explanation.

U.S. forces have stepped up the efforts to battle Sunni insurgents in and around Baghdad. Soon afterward, a car bomb exploded in a market and added up massive casualties. It is almost unthinkable that there are any troops, insurgents and citizens left to kill.

For the first time in the history of history, the United States is lifting sanctions against the Palestinian government. President Abbas is expected to use the funds to continue the fight against the rowdy Hamas faction that is actively pursuing resistance efforts in Gaza. Much like in Presidential elections, the world often throws support behind what seems to be the lesser of two evils.

The greater of two evils in the last election has a history of signing bills into law and refusing to enforce the legislated provisions according to a recent study. It seems unthinkable that George W. Bush would say one thing and then do another. His demeanor seems so consistent. Luckily for his self-esteem, he isn't very good at comprehending quantitative statistics.

The 2008 Election Report includes proof that the bellwether states represent nobody. Polls in Iowa and New Hampshire show Mitt the Nit leads the Republican race in both money and popularity. Iowa and New Hampshire are less representative of America than Mitt Romney is of the city of Boston.

Law and order candidate Fred Thompson is running into some campaign obstacles because of his role on the television show "Law & Order." Equal time requirements will quash the 57 appearances Thompson makes daily on 34 networks on the popular series. It is only fair if they remove and burn every copy of Rudy Giuliani on "Saturday Night Live" in order to keep everything balanced.

Slate details Google's answer to Microsoft Outlook. Hopefully they are on the way to designing a Web-based alternative to Vista.

The city that Capone built is gearing up for another high-profile mob trial, complete with a shrouded jury. Hopefully none of them are regular viewers of "The Sopranos" because other than Carlo, not too many of the characters who crossed the mafia got out in one piece.

Slate continues its pursuit of absolute journalistic truth with its positive review of the latest anti-drug commercial. The author of the article enjoyed the commercial greatly because he relishes psychedelic experiences like reasonable anti-drug commercials.

You'll Find Germs in the Strangest Places

The NBA Finals are finally set, and Cleveland only needed minimal input from King James to put away the flailing Pistons. As a Bulls fan, pretty much all I have at this point is that Jordan never lost an NBA Finals, so LeBron has only that small obstacle to overcome to crown himself as the next great thing. Of course, he lives in a 35,000 square foot mansion, so I'm sure nothing I can say will really take him down a peg.

Three of the four terrorist plotters are in custody while the fourth suspect is being hunted like a dog in the street. The plotters aimed to destroy a large portion of Queens with jet fuel and explosives. Unfortunately the suspects are not baseball knowledgeable. If they read the box scores, they would see the Mets are doing fine, in first place in the National League East. If they wanted to try something productive, Steinbrenner might let them blow up the Bronx so that he could start over from scratch after his insurance policy injured his groin.

The Washington Post issued a report detailing the increasing sophistication of weaponry being used against U.S. troops in Iraq. Unfortunately for our troops, the executive branch of government will not get any more sophisticated for the next 19 months, assuming it gets any sharper at all.

If the Oval Office does indeed sharpen up in 2008, it won't be because of the Law and Order candidate Fred Thompson. Thompson has come out as a strong defender of Lewis "Scooter" Libby, the scapegoat for Plamegate who was convicted of four counts of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements. I'm not sure if Johnny Cochran could have weasled his way through that argument and kept a straight face.

Senate immigration legislation was passed through a patchwork quilt of non-partisan alliances. It is amazing how rapidly the legislative branch can form a network to make decisions about less-than-critical issues. Imagine how well this country would run if they could do that with something like, oh, say Iraq.

Voters in Arizona should have all the fuel they need to derail Senator Jon Kyl. On top of all of the immigration time wasting, Kyl was finally unmasked as the secret Senator who threw a monkey wrench in the works of improved freedom of information legislation. The information I would like to get freely is this: What kind of state would elect both John McCain and this totalitarian nimrod to the Senate at the same time?

Strange news starts off in San Diego, where guests staying at the Ivy Hotel can enjoy a room with a beautiful view...of the group shower and the fireman's pole. Trying to compete with lavish offerings in tourist destinations like Las Vegas, the place is trying to offer guests something a little out of the ordinary. It's too bad that the Yankees play in the American League, because if they played the Padres more often, I'm sure Jeter and A-Rod could make that place jump.

And if the picture of Jeter and Rodriguez slamming groupies in a rented room on bunk beds doesn't disgust you enough, perhaps you could try the Snopes report on the filthy, disgusting germs that lurk on your shopping cart handles. As long as they keep the cart germs out of my rented suite at the Ivy Hotel, I'll be fine carrying all of my groceries by hand for the rest of my hypochondriac life.

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I wouldn't be the first person ever to accuse the Cubs of being unlucky. One day after pitcher Carlos Zambrano knocked out his battery mate Michael Barrett in a fight that went from the dugout to the clubhouse, manager Lou Pinella was ejected for one of his signature dirt kicking tirades. Jay Mariotti might have gotten it right about the team...what a bunch of Lou-sers.

If you think that Wrigley Field is the only spot with calamitous violence in this news cycle, think again. There were more than 100 German police officers injured in a riot that erupted in reaction to the G-8 summit meeting in the Fatherland. If nothing else, the opponents of globalization will be contributing to the coffers of those who work in the medical and automobile repair industries. The score for now is Corporate Culture 1, Radical Reform Movement 0. We will keep you updated on any changes as they occur.

Not to be outdone in violence, a U.S. warship was blowing the crap out of a Somali militant hotbed today. You have to like being able to bomb somebody to the dark ages while floating around at sea. If I had that ability, I'd be drinking margaritas on the deck while floating off the coast of Los Angeles, lobbing cruise missiles at as many of the Spellings, Baldwins and their ilk as possible on board my imaginary warship.

Violence even spilled back into New York today, with federal agents breaking up a plan to blow up jet fuel lines at JFK airport. There hasn't been a bomb scare like this in New York since the Yankees put Carl Pavano on the disabled list. That bomb, followed by A-Rod's marriage bomb and Giambi's amphetamine bomb make this an explosive, if unproductive Yankees team.

The 2008 election is fast approaching, which means all the loonies are putting their hats into the ring. Fred Thompson, a.k.a. district attorney Arthur Branch on "Law and Order," has formed a fundraising committee for his campaign. Nobody knows what he stands for, nor do they really care, but if he gets Jack McCoy to be Attorney General and Mariska Hargitay to be Vice President, he has my vote. (And don't laugh...you might remember the last time the Republicans ran an actor for President.)

Also running for the Republican nomination is Ron Paul, a libertarian eccentric who is opposed to...basically every Republican value. I may not be a campaign planner, but it seems that going against what has become standard Republican protocol might be the only way of winning an election. And no, nominating a Mormon rather than an old-fashioned Baptist is not enough against the grain.

The NY Times continues with more government action to clean up the fiasco that is student loans. Hopefully when that gets fixed, they can lend Ron Paul some money to make the Presidential debates that much more interesting.

In professional football news (the football they kick with their feet rather than throw with their hands), Cristiano Ronaldo was named player of the year and young player of the year in professional soccer. Before he even got the trophies, the Yankees and the Cubs were on the phone, learning how to ask, "Can you throw a baseball?" in Portuguese.