Showing posts with label voting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label voting. Show all posts

11 April 2007

Imus is a Cowboy


















Sometimes a cowboy gets in one too many gun fights his enemies and gets taken down in the crossfire. Don Imus is the cowboy. The response from advertisers, pundits, bloggers and everybody else with an ounce of common sense is the crossfire.

News about Iraq makes the typical top story. Today, it's raining Iraq stories. Soldiers had their tours of duty in Iraq extended by three months. While their duty is extended, however, the troops are slightly rudderless. Three retired four star generals have refused White House requests to become the new czar in charge of the war effort in Iraq and Afghanistan. I keep forgetting what that quote is about rats and a sinking ship, but I'm sure I'll remember it eventually.

A federal panel reported limited evidence of voter fraud in previous elections and suggested voter identification should be required for elections. Democrats oppose the move, saying they believe this will decrease their voter turnout. After losing the last two elections to Bush II, perhaps they should concentrate their efforts on putting a candidate up that has a chance of winning an election. In the last Presidential election, Bush was so unpopular that Bucky Dent would have carried Massachusetts if he ran as a Democrat.

In other reports of people I wouldn't vote for with a gun to my head, Rudy Giuliani has been dodging controversy all over the place since he announced his plans to run for President. First, his marital issue (divorcing his second cousin) came up. Then he defended screwball radio doofus Don Imus. Now he's dodging questions about his comments regarding the Terri Schiavo controversy. If I have to choose between Rudy and Hillary in the next election, I will move to Switzerland and lodge at Frank Serpico's former digs as soon as the votes are counted.

Medical news is also notable today. Brazilian researchers utilized
hematopioetic stem cells from bone marrow to create islet cells, curing type I diabetes in the patients. The study is in early stages. There are dangers to the procedure, which uses cyclophosphamide, a substance that can cause bladder cancer and leukemia, and it currently can only be performed in patients recently diagnosed with diabetes. It also involves severe immunosuppression. As a type I diabetic, all I want to hear is more good news. The Dems are challenging the moral scientist George Bush's threat to veto fetal stem cell legislation in the U.S., so hopefully the utilitarian philosophy will prevail.

Media reports are currently all Imus, all the time. Imus, who might as well have been invisible before last week, had his show canceled at MSNBC after advertisers jumped ship. Finally that nappy-headed hoser will have an easier time returning to anonymity.

Although slightly less newsworthy, Taalam Acey has a new documentary featuring his dynamic poetry performances. Acey delivers at a level that most people can't imagine spoken word achieving. Just go see him.

Sports stories were also plentiful today. Four Italian soccer fans were arrested after violence erupted after a match in Manchester, U.K. Soccer, much like hockey, has trouble keeping relevant without the gratuitous violence. Unlike hockey, most of the violence is in the stands.

The legal circus that was the Duke lacrosse rape case finally came to an end with the prosecutor dropping all charges. This freed Court TV to cover Anna Nicole Smith material all day, everyday one day too late.

Baseball season has gotten off to an interesting start, with snow moving the Cleveland Indians' home opener to Milwaukee. Tribune columnist Rick Morrissey tells everybody that they should suck it up and quit complaining. With global warming where it's at, in a few more years we'll be complaining that it's too hot in Florida and Los Angeles to play baseball in July.

In feel good baseball news, the College Baseball Hall of Fame selected Jim Abbott in the latest class. Abbott, a pitcher born without a right hand, accomplished more with one hand than Mark Prior and Kerry Wood did combined with four hands.

The New York Knicks accused the Chicago Bulls of running the score up against them last night in Chicago's 98-69 victory. The Bulls claimed they were not running the score up. They were trying to score 100 points so the fans would win a Big Mac in a promotion with McDonalds. Former Bull Eddie Curry expressed displeasure with the score. However, since all he accomplished while he was in Chicago was eating Big Macs, he could at least let the fans eat one.

In crazy weird news, the Germs' drummer Don Bolles was arrested in Los Angeles after police tested a bottle of a cleaning agent in his car that allegedly contained the date rape drug GHB. Soap of this kind could be very dangerous if it fell into the hands of a devious rapist with a germ phobia. Stay tuned to this one.

In New Port Richey, Florida, a string of robberies has terrorized local gas stations in and around the town. The robber enters gas stations and threatens clerks with what he claims is a syringe filled with H.I.V. positive blood. In other words, the crazy junkie tells gas station employees to jump, and they answer, "How High?" while handing him all of the money in the register.

06 April 2007

When Satire Bites, Bite Back
















With times more trying then ever, Americans need to find more outlets for relaxation. Leave it to our leaders to find a way to smile with pain and pitfalls surrounding their every move.

It only took $400+ billion and 60,000 casualties for the Washington Post to figure out that there was no connection between Hussein's Iraq and al-Qaeda. In other startling news, the Post also determined that the world is round, that the pope is Catholic and that Elmer Fudd will never catch that rascally rabbit.

America is planning to release the five Iranian diplomats it captured in Iraq according to a New York Sun report. The gentlemen will be sent back with specific instructions not to take over Iraq until after the United States abandons the country.

The military went on another of its strong recruiting efforts.
Corey Andrew Powell, an openly gay man, was approached by the U.S. Army because of a resume he posted on Career Builder. After inquiring sarcastically about whether gays were allowed to serve in the military, Powell received back caustic e-mails that included remarks in the incendiary all caps format that read: " YOU ARE DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED, NOW TAKE YOU GAY SELF SOMEPLACE ELSE WE DO NOT TOLERATE GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN ANY PART OF THE MILITARY." and " YOU HEAD OF FTO THE GAY LAND OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MORALS AND GET RID OF YOURSELF. PERSONALLY I THINK BEING GAY IS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL." That was definitely not an Army Strong response.

In Somalia, European diplomats were investigating allegations of war crimes levied against participants in a battle between Somali and Ethiopian forces in the capital city of Mogadishu. President Bush plans to step in and lend assistance after he conquers Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Sudan. He also might take time to eat lunch before he jumps into the fray.

In the great United States Florida is beginning a policy to allow all felons but "
convicted murderers, sexual predators and 'violent career criminals'” to vote in upcoming elections. The sex offenders, while they can't vote, help showcase Florida's commitment to rehabilitation for criminals in their fancy housing facilities for offenders under causeway bridges. At least the Bush White House will have somewhere safe and democratic to go in 2009.

On the other coast, the L.A. Times forecasts drought and Dust Bowl-like conditions in the Southwest because of global warming. This means that by 2050, Los Angeles will not only seem like the shittiest place on Earth; it actually will be the shittiest place on Earth. At least you'll be able to keep track of the change with the Christian Science Monitor's handy dandy Global Warming Web site.

Big automotive business is struggling in Detroit, which has prompted billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian to bid for the Chrysler portion of the German Daimler Chrysler. Reports indicate he is paying one-eighth what the German company paid for the automaker. I don't know how you say "I'll take that disaster off your hands while you slink away into the sunset" in German, but I'm sure Kerkorian's translators have that covered.

Baseball season brings the story of Creighton pitcher
Pat Venditte, an ambidextrous pitcher who gets batters out throwing right handed and left handed. Chances remain that Venditte could strike out Reds outfielder Adam Dunn right handed, left handed or merely by kicking the ball in the general direction of home plate. In Cincinnati, the town is in need of better pitching after the Wild Thing Vaughn performance of Mayor Mark Mallory.

Desecrating all that is sacred is part of the music business. However, let me be the first to say that the plan for Oasis, the Killers, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Fratellis and Razorlight to record a tribute version of the Beatles' magnum opus " Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a bad idea. Oasis already tried being the Beatles once...and failed. Let poor John and George rest. What's next, Carrie Underwood and Clay Aiken re-recording "Billie Holiday Sings"?