I-man loves everybody

Man, Don Imus can't stay out of the headlines for 10 minutes. What better way to show everybody that you've changed your ways than by asking radio host Jay Severin, "Why don't you like Huckabee? Because you're gay, or what?"

Way to go, I-man! They ought to give you a spot on Sesame Street since you've proven your repentance.

Check it out on Media Matters.

For your next vacation

If you're looking for a vacation in a fun place full of culture for the whole family, Minneapolis might be the place for you. You can take a family photograph at the toilet stall where Larry Craig allegedly solicited gay sex along with all the other shutterbugs. You'll get the opportunity to teach the kids about government and uh, other things.

Cubs Win, the Rest of America Loses

Power hitting (and face punching) pitcher Carlos Zambrano did his best for the Cubs, pitching eight innings and hitting a long ball. I still can't comprehend what bizarre alternate reality has the Cubs in second in their division.

The Richmond appeals court poked a bunch of holes in Bush's scare tactic approach to justice by declaring the indefinite detention of a citizen from Qatar to be un-Constitutional. I'm sure they had to see that coming eventually. If nothing else, the Onion take on the bumbling attorney general coupled with an ethically challenged hand crafted department of conservative jurists probably explains why it took so long.

In continuing Iraq coverage, Mother Jones offers a fantastic, interactive lie-by-lie coverage of the Iraq war. Reports continue to indicate that those lies are going to keep us permanently entrenched in the country. Experts predict the troop backlash will worsen with time. The Cincinnati Reds bullpen is more popular in Hamilton county than U.S. troops are in Baghdad, and both show evidence of getting worse.

The retention and recruitment rates of the military are down, and the reasons why keep multiplying. A troop training domestically is lost and unaccounted for. Hopefully he just got the right idea and left.

Law professor Geoffrey Stone came down hard on the military's exclusionary don't-ask-don't-tell policy. He compares the policy with the separate but equal legislation of the past. Also coming down badly for those who working for the military PR machine was the Air Force admitting to the long-rumored gay bomb. I hope at some point the culture of the military can catch up to the culture of Birmingham, Alabama at the minimum in the near future.

The war crimes machine at the Hague keeps churning, with Serb Milan Martic starting his trial for his role in the troubled region's ethnic cleansing. That court definitely gets to see the creme de la creme of international scum mongers. Charles Taylor, Slobodan Milosevic and the Pan Am bombing suspects all hung out in the Hague. I wonder how long it will be before they get Bush and Cheney in front of the bench.

The bizarre story of the last week has been the young man serving a 10 year sentence for oral sex. The sentence was thrown out, but the kid is still in jail based on a legal pissing contest. If you want to see a guy who is spiritually opposed to going down on his lady, Genarlow Wilson is probably that guy.

It's in and it's official...Vince McMahon is not dead, it was a stunt. Wrestling fans fall for the stupidest things.

If You've Come to Fight, Put Up Your Dukes

It is official. Buy a Mac. Use Linux. Vista is a nightmare. Nothing works the way it used to. Media performs terribly (especially audio). In typical Microsoft fashion, Vista railroads users into the Microsoft network of applications like Internet Explorer rather than the inherently superior Firefox. Keep XP for as long as you can. Vista is the one island you do not want to get stuck on.

After Rumsfeld's hand-picked man at the helm of the military Peter Pace stepped down, there is a new job opening in the career field called lost causes. Admiral Mike Mullen will be chosen as his successor based upon the understanding that Pace would have been roasted alive by Congress if he had to undergo another confirmation hearing. Good luck with that job Mike. It probably isn't any more of a lose-lose situation than being selected coach of the Cleveland Browns.

Dr. James Holsinger is another Bush nominee that should face careful scrutiny in his hearings to become surgeon general of the United States. Holsinger is controversial because of a paper he wrote 16 years ago for the United Methodist Church that called homosexuality "unnatural." Actually, James, asking what Jesus would do before making scientific decisions is unnatural. The physician might be a heart doctor without brains, but you know it takes a lot of balls to get on the national stage backing that argument, Dr. Holsinger-Falwell.

The United States' War on Drugs is nothing compared the conflict in Mexico. The U.S. fights a war of words and policy while in Mexico, they kill anybody and everybody that gets in the way of feeding the American appetite for blow. Within a week, 46 people were killed in a territory war across Mexico. The killings included grenade attacks and decapitations that are taking place between rival factions. Doesn't anybody in Mexico watch the Sopranos? Bad things happen when crime families split up.

Back in the States, Bush is fighting a war of a different sort. Fresh on the tail of the battle to prevent satellite radio from overtaking the generous corporate conglomerates that make up a big part of campaign finance, Bush is fighting a new war...against organic produce. Anti-trust investigations have begun, and they are aimed at preventing the merger of Whole Foods and Wild Oats. When giant media companies control entire markets, nobody blinks. But they'll be damned if one company can control all of the sales of organic clover honey in Denver. It's proof in America you can only be as competitive as your lawyers will allow you to be.

Finally, with all the reports on my fights with Vista, Mexican drug cartels fighting each other and the surgeon general fighting reason, I would be remiss if I failed to mention John Daly's wife fighting him...with a steak knife. Apparently the couple took their contentious relationship with all of its drugged out history to a restaurant, and after dinner the future ex-Mrs. Daly took her frustrations out on the portly golfer's face. John Daly is to crime and golf what John McClane is to unlucky situations involving terrorists...the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time.

When Satire Bites, Bite Back

With times more trying then ever, Americans need to find more outlets for relaxation. Leave it to our leaders to find a way to smile with pain and pitfalls surrounding their every move.

It only took $400+ billion and 60,000 casualties for the Washington Post to figure out that there was no connection between Hussein's Iraq and al-Qaeda. In other startling news, the Post also determined that the world is round, that the pope is Catholic and that Elmer Fudd will never catch that rascally rabbit.

America is planning to release the five Iranian diplomats it captured in Iraq according to a New York Sun report. The gentlemen will be sent back with specific instructions not to take over Iraq until after the United States abandons the country.

The military went on another of its strong recruiting efforts. Corey Andrew Powell, an openly gay man, was approached by the U.S. Army because of a resume he posted on Career Builder. After inquiring sarcastically about whether gays were allowed to serve in the military, Powell received back caustic e-mails that included remarks in the incendiary all caps format that read: " YOU ARE DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED, NOW TAKE YOU GAY SELF SOMEPLACE ELSE WE DO NOT TOLERATE GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN ANY PART OF THE MILITARY." and " YOU HEAD OF FTO THE GAY LAND OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MORALS AND GET RID OF YOURSELF. PERSONALLY I THINK BEING GAY IS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL." That was definitely not an Army Strong response.

In Somalia, European diplomats were investigating allegations of war crimes levied against participants in a battle between Somali and Ethiopian forces in the capital city of Mogadishu. President Bush plans to step in and lend assistance after he conquers Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Sudan. He also might take time to eat lunch before he jumps into the fray.

In the great United States Florida is beginning a policy to allow all felons but " convicted murderers, sexual predators and 'violent career criminals'” to vote in upcoming elections. The sex offenders, while they can't vote, help showcase Florida's commitment to rehabilitation for criminals in their fancy housing facilities for offenders under causeway bridges. At least the Bush White House will have somewhere safe and democratic to go in 2009.

On the other coast, the L.A. Times forecasts drought and Dust Bowl-like conditions in the Southwest because of global warming. This means that by 2050, Los Angeles will not only seem like the shittiest place on Earth; it actually will be the shittiest place on Earth. At least you'll be able to keep track of the change with the Christian Science Monitor's handy dandy Global Warming Web site.

Big automotive business is struggling in Detroit, which has prompted billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian to bid for the Chrysler portion of the German Daimler Chrysler. Reports indicate he is paying one-eighth what the German company paid for the automaker. I don't know how you say "I'll take that disaster off your hands while you slink away into the sunset" in German, but I'm sure Kerkorian's translators have that covered.

Baseball season brings the story of Creighton pitcher Pat Venditte, an ambidextrous pitcher who gets batters out throwing right handed and left handed. Chances remain that Venditte could strike out Reds outfielder Adam Dunn right handed, left handed or merely by kicking the ball in the general direction of home plate. In Cincinnati, the town is in need of better pitching after the Wild Thing Vaughn performance of Mayor Mark Mallory.

Desecrating all that is sacred is part of the music business. However, let me be the first to say that the plan for Oasis, the Killers, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Fratellis and Razorlight to record a tribute version of the Beatles' magnum opus " Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a bad idea. Oasis already tried being the Beatles once...and failed. Let poor John and George rest. What's next, Carrie Underwood and Clay Aiken re-recording "Billie Holiday Sings"?