The Super Bowl Stumble

If one thing emerged for me last night during the game last night, it became evident that the Patriots aren't the best of all time. They were the second best team in the Super Bowl. I guess Mercury Morris was right.

But hey--there can only be one greatest team ever. I'm glad I can still say that it was the 1985 Chicago Bears. The only reason the Dolphins in 1972 were 17-0 was because they didn't have to play the 1985 Bears.

The Dolphins played teams with a combined winning percentage of .396. Big time wins, guys.

And the 1985 Bears beat Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and the 49ers pretty handily, so this argument keeps getting easier and easier to make. The Cowboys were the best at smoking cocaine, and that’s about it.

Even though it only lasted one year, the Bears would beat the pants off of your sorry best-team-of-All-Time if time travel would allow it. So sing along with me now as we celebrate the G.O.A.T. :

Bear down, Chicago Bears,
Make every play clear the way to victory.
Bear down, Chicago Bears,Put up a fight with a might so fearlessly.
We'll never forget the way you thrilled the nation,
With your T-formation.
Bear down, Chicago Bears,
And let them know why you're wearing the crown.
You're the pride and joy
of Illinois,
Chicago Bears, bear down.

Homerun News Day

The final division series is over, making the next two days an absolute black hole for athletic competition unless you'd like to check out the slate of volleyball available on the Big 10 network. Joe Torre may have managed his last game in a Yankee uniform. Alex Rodriguez might also be leaving the Big Apple. New York is a mess, and outside of NYC, everybody is laughing at the city and its misfortune.

The White House rush to demonstrate the effectiveness of their war on terror has resulted in some unintended consequences. After a copy of Osama bin Laden's 9/11 speech was taken from al Qaeda's intranet, the network went silent, destroying this window into this world of extremism. Bush gave up a direct link to terrorist information in order to impress the public with a two-day early copy of the senseless ravings of a deranged madman in bin Laden. This isn't the first example of the White House rushing headlong into an endeavor without a careful plan, and it probably won't be the last, either.

The Democrats in Congress, those people elected by the American population to change the direction of the country after the rudderless Republican regime, are expected to extend the warrantless wiretapping program in the U.S. The Dems are doing such a good job directing the legislative branch that they have to inspire somebody to create a third party to replace the ineffective two that the voters have to choose between.

Blackwater is in the soup now that Iraq's government will demand $136 million in damages because the security firm killed 17 civilians. Now democracy in Iraq is really chugging along, because the Iraqis have figured out how to go after the people with the bankroll. If the system is broken, you can always sue somebody.

CBS news is under fire again. First, the Dan Rather debacle damaged the news institution's credibility when they failed to fact check a story on George Bush's military service record. Then they threw a curve ball by hiring bubbly morning TV personality Katie Couric to anchor the evening news, bringing more criticism. Now, they are apparently not allowing conflict of interest problems to prevent them from using the public relations machine to build the Dick Cheney agenda. Rita Braver, whose husband derives income from legal work on Mrs. Cheney's new book, put together a fluff piece about the book, further blurring the line between news and advertising. The new sign off for the evening news can be, "Brought to you by this evening's sponsor."

Finally, those who think that American macrobrews are too similar to one another will cringe at the news of Coors and Miller combining efforts to market beer in the United States. At least now I know that there will be one single corporate entity making shit beer to appease the simple American palate and oppose the monolith that is Anheuser-Busch as opposed to two companies with the same ridiculous goal.

Playoffs??!? Playoffs??!?

What a weekend for sports! I can't decide whether the biggest story of the weekend was the collapse of the Mets, the NL Wild Card coming down to game 163, college football's wild weekend where number two jumped number one and scores of other contenders got knocked down, or the NFL weekend where we found out the Bears were who we thought they were, only the Lions didn't let them get away. At least I still have the Cubbies to keep me warm while I'm making the decision...let's play ball.

Now that Congress failed to reach any consensus on what to do in Iraq other than throw more money at the problem, they have decided to focus their efforts on domestic issues like health care and taxes. Hopefully these guys can get SOMETHING accomplished instead of blaming all their inadequacies on Furher Bush and his convictions.

The campaign of genocide in Sudan has now expanded its aim to include aid workers in the ravaged country. If karma actually existed, some of the scumbags in Darfur and the United Nations would pay dearly for their roles as active or complacent contributors to the human rights abuses in this troubled land. At least we still have time to concentrate on missile defense shields and other science fiction while being to busy in Iraq to lend any real assistance to people in real need.

In vegetarian news, 21.7 million pounds of ground beef were recalled by Topps Meat because of E. coli contamination, proving what I have known for more than a decade: eating ground up dead cows is disgusting.

Musical mavericks Radiohead are releasing their latest album on the internet, and they are giving you the option of how much, if anything, you want to pay for it. 50 Cent forced people to pay for his pathetic new album, and as a result, lost his battle of album sales with Kanye West. Maybe 50 should try a Radiohead business model with his next venture.

Finally, Reuters put together an interesting article about musicians and their preference for analog equipment over the digital counterparts. This is a really interesting concept to explore, but for credibility's sake, don't use limited, meaningless terminology like electronica to describe music for fear of how L7 that will really make you look in your inability to genre-fy music you can't truly conceptualize. Electronica has slightly more meaning than did the equally meaningless category of grunge, if for no reason other than the fact the the musicians (much like Bob Dylan at the Newport Folk Festival) do in fact plug their instruments into an electric outlet, much along the same lines that grunge musicians played guitar and showered less often than was media-appropriate. Learn to use the music terminology correctly or fear getting burned, Reuters.

Dick Cheney Before He Dicks You

Here is a picture of the brains behind the brawn in the Oval Office. The only obstacle to Cheney being recognized as the Thinker to Bush's Decider is his refusal to admit that he is part of the Executive office. As the field of public relations has proven, if you can't win the argument, change the terminology.

Mother Jones detailed all of the possible steps that Congress could take to cut off Bush and Cheney's wet dream of a war with Iran before (or slightly after) it even begins. It's too bad they can't follow a detailed set of instructions (like the Constitution) to draw up impeachment procedure on the two goons before they hatch another brainstorm. Just do something before they have any more time to scheme their next brainchild.

Israel released 250 Fatah prisoners in a gesture aimed at strengthening the toothless Mahmoud Abbas. Gaza has deteriorated into a state of anarchy. The area is controlled by Hamas militants, and some are hoping that the effort might help secure the release of captured soldier Gilad Shalit and kidnapped journalist Alan Johnston. I keep trying to convince Israel to move the Western Wall to Utah and allow the Palestinians to have the Holy Land. After the next round of immigration reform stateside, Salt Lake City will be a much safer place than Gaza or the West Bank, and I'm sure John McCain could float the whole country at least five free immigration points towards becoming a permanent resident. The other benefit is that the surge in Jewish population would diversify the Mormon-heavy Utah, allowing the state to portray itself as a diverse community that accepts everybody.

Speaking of McCain legislation, the Supreme Court identified a new loophole in the McCain-Feingold Act that will allow corporations to fund political advertisements. I don't even want to think about what that will mean when Mark Cuban and his varied portfolio run for President in 2016. I'm hoping that the Coalition of People who Oppose Abortion and Love Donald Trump (COPOALDT) is piecing together commercials to submarine Cuban's chances.

Those who thought that Rupert Murdoch is only a little evil obviously missed today's article about his business dealings in China. At least China has the good sense to make sure that the Australian tycoon and his media business dealings in the country were miserable failures. China keeps its friends close and its enemies closer. The U.S. is a cheap hooker that will let you do anything for the right price.

Blogo-news is also invading the corporate landscape. Earlier posts in this blog referenced the strange logic that dictated when and where antitrust cases were raised, particularly in the cases of the Sirius/XM merger and the Whole Foods/Wild Oats merger. Whole Foods CEO John Mackey used the methodology employed by masterminds like Kobe Bryant and myself, blogging up a vindictive rant against the Federal Trade Commission that could harm his company's current merger case. Enjoy the ride, baby.

No matter if you are a CEO or a criminal, a King or Don King, a poet, a musician, an actor or just some dude from Quebec, you are probably involved in some way in the vortex of time wasting that is social networking. Those who are as well as those who aren't would be interested in the qualitative look at the differences between users of MySpace (me) and Facebook (me, also). The piece also determined that I am a loser for belonging to multiple electronic social networks.

CBS compiled its list of the 50 Biggest Sports Jerks. It's a good list. As usual, Maurice Clarett came up a little short. Gary Bettman might be a good choice. I believe that Carmelo "Sucker Punch" Anthony might also have earned a 48th or 49th place this year. Whatever demon is responsible for the Cubs and the last century of disappointment easily ranks somewhere in the top 50. It's a cruel beast with the body of a goat and the head of Steve Bartman that chokes on anything remotely tough. And it's a big jerk.

Love You 42 Times

Monday means it's time to play ball. While it's still in play, I would like to extend my hand to any living relative of Jackie Robinson and offer you the opportunity to bat one through nine in the Cubs lineup this spring. Make sure you bring a glove.

The story du jour is everybody's favorite tabloid topic -- school shootings. The Va Tech shooting left 33 dead in a tragic event that raised the casualty bar from previous shootings in Colorado and Texas. This storyline surfaces once every few years, and people blame gun control, religion, video games and/or any other blame peg to hang their pseudo-psychological arguments on. When the report was Virginia Tech, the only broken figure that would be capable of such a thing that easily came to mind was Marcus Vick based upon his previous record in Blacksburg, but those reports were not the case.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is expected to admit that he screwed up in the firing of U.S. attorneys in front of an attentive Congressional audience. He is also expected to tow the party line and explain that the firings were NOT politically motivated but the orders did come from the White House. It doesn't take a pencil to connect the dots, and even if you connected the dots, the outline would be a giant, steaming pile of horse manure.

Jose Padilla goes on trial this week after five years in solitary confinement without charges being filed. After all of the torture and Constitutional tango described in an L.A. Times article, the former Chicago gang member will face reduced charges. This is the smoke-and-mirrors proof that USAPATRIOT Act is working for...somebody other than Jose, apparently.

The NY Times features a story on illegal immigrants filing tax returns before the impending deadline, which should be helpful information for Roger Federer and Zinedine Zidane if they forgot their green cards. It should be on Bill O'Reilly's talking points like yesterday.

Sports Sunday celebrated Jackie Robinson's breaking of the color barrier with memorials around the country and 14 hours of prerecorded features that covered up for the dearth of footage based on multiple rain outs. Chicago also won the competition to be the American bid for the 2016, proving for the fiftieth time why Chicago is great and Los Angeles is a pit.

In another tragic loss to the creative community, New York free jazz spot Tonic closed its doors for good Friday after a pile of musicians including John Zorn, Marc Ribot, DJ Spinoza and Matthew Shipp were among the many played through the wreckers coming in to tear the club down. Places like this need to exist so that real art can be produced, the kind that isn't designed by boardrooms full of M.B.A.s, lawyers and pimps but rather by dynamic, organically realized music that is new and stretches your imagination to places that it couldn't conceptualize over and over, finding music that speaks to you without words. Great music so rarely happens in Madison Square Garden but is always happening in little out of the way places like the Hideout (great shows this Tuesday, Friday and Saturday)and Elastic (great shows this Tuesday and Thursday), and these shows require support from crowds more so than do the big venues and the A&R man driving the Mercedes S-Class. (I'm jumping down from the soap box now, but please please support independent music. Ornette Coleman just won a Pulitzer for music, so I do have some hope.)

Finally, Hawaiian music legend Don Ho died over the weekend. Put on your favorite loud shirt and sing along to some of the favorites in memoriam.

When Satire Bites, Bite Back

With times more trying then ever, Americans need to find more outlets for relaxation. Leave it to our leaders to find a way to smile with pain and pitfalls surrounding their every move.

It only took $400+ billion and 60,000 casualties for the Washington Post to figure out that there was no connection between Hussein's Iraq and al-Qaeda. In other startling news, the Post also determined that the world is round, that the pope is Catholic and that Elmer Fudd will never catch that rascally rabbit.

America is planning to release the five Iranian diplomats it captured in Iraq according to a New York Sun report. The gentlemen will be sent back with specific instructions not to take over Iraq until after the United States abandons the country.

The military went on another of its strong recruiting efforts. Corey Andrew Powell, an openly gay man, was approached by the U.S. Army because of a resume he posted on Career Builder. After inquiring sarcastically about whether gays were allowed to serve in the military, Powell received back caustic e-mails that included remarks in the incendiary all caps format that read: " YOU ARE DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED, NOW TAKE YOU GAY SELF SOMEPLACE ELSE WE DO NOT TOLERATE GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN ANY PART OF THE MILITARY." and " YOU HEAD OF FTO THE GAY LAND OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MORALS AND GET RID OF YOURSELF. PERSONALLY I THINK BEING GAY IS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL." That was definitely not an Army Strong response.

In Somalia, European diplomats were investigating allegations of war crimes levied against participants in a battle between Somali and Ethiopian forces in the capital city of Mogadishu. President Bush plans to step in and lend assistance after he conquers Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Sudan. He also might take time to eat lunch before he jumps into the fray.

In the great United States Florida is beginning a policy to allow all felons but " convicted murderers, sexual predators and 'violent career criminals'” to vote in upcoming elections. The sex offenders, while they can't vote, help showcase Florida's commitment to rehabilitation for criminals in their fancy housing facilities for offenders under causeway bridges. At least the Bush White House will have somewhere safe and democratic to go in 2009.

On the other coast, the L.A. Times forecasts drought and Dust Bowl-like conditions in the Southwest because of global warming. This means that by 2050, Los Angeles will not only seem like the shittiest place on Earth; it actually will be the shittiest place on Earth. At least you'll be able to keep track of the change with the Christian Science Monitor's handy dandy Global Warming Web site.

Big automotive business is struggling in Detroit, which has prompted billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian to bid for the Chrysler portion of the German Daimler Chrysler. Reports indicate he is paying one-eighth what the German company paid for the automaker. I don't know how you say "I'll take that disaster off your hands while you slink away into the sunset" in German, but I'm sure Kerkorian's translators have that covered.

Baseball season brings the story of Creighton pitcher Pat Venditte, an ambidextrous pitcher who gets batters out throwing right handed and left handed. Chances remain that Venditte could strike out Reds outfielder Adam Dunn right handed, left handed or merely by kicking the ball in the general direction of home plate. In Cincinnati, the town is in need of better pitching after the Wild Thing Vaughn performance of Mayor Mark Mallory.

Desecrating all that is sacred is part of the music business. However, let me be the first to say that the plan for Oasis, the Killers, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Fratellis and Razorlight to record a tribute version of the Beatles' magnum opus " Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a bad idea. Oasis already tried being the Beatles once...and failed. Let poor John and George rest. What's next, Carrie Underwood and Clay Aiken re-recording "Billie Holiday Sings"?

News You Can Lose

Tony LaRussa probably wishes the police had left him in jail after getting swept by the Mets in his season opening series. You probably wish I had been put in jail after break, but unlike LaRussa, even the Man (or the Mets) can't keep me down.

The superstar story of the last week has been the 15 sailors taken hostage by Iran. Recently, they were released. Iran realized if they were going to torture and kill anybody's military, these choices would be limited to the United States and France based upon evidence that both countries are full of people who are easy to hate.

The news behind the news points to mounting evidence that the U.S. is waging soldier-for-hire war with Iran while they also might be responsible for the British sailors being captured in Iran. If you are going to lose, you might as well lose big, and a war with Shi'ite Islam might be the next great step. I guess the quickest way out of Iraq might be straight through Iran.

In order to make sure the entire Middle East burns to the ground so that it can be built again from scratch, the U.S. is planning to arm Saudi Arabia and other "allies" against the newly-minted Axis of Evil opponent Iran. Israel is fighting this move. My suggestion would be move the Western Wall to China and move back after Bush is finished with his master plan.

On the domestic front, Barack Obama is rolling in the Benjamins since he has raised $25 million in campaign funds. My suggestion would be to spend it on ads to air during "American Idol" and then announce run away favorite Sanjaya as your Vice Presidential candidate before Hildo and Eddie the Ambulance Chaser get any ideas.

Murder and mayhem return to HBO next week when the Sopranos return to New Jersey. The show will wrap up. Afterward, the big question will not be what loose ends weren't wrapped up but where will any actors from New Jersey whose names end in a vowel ever find work again?

Media matters include the best news coming out of Indonesia. Playboy editor Erwin Arnada was cleared of indecency charges today. At least one can be confident that they can buy smut over the counter before the death squad executes them.

Of course, the favorite media darling is the story of freed journalist/blogger/anarchist/activist/independent media icon Josh Wolf. Wolf was imprisoned for over seven months for refusing to turn over footage of a G8 summit protest in San Francisco. His status is a hot potato topic that courts and journalists are all too happy to avoid defining. The future of media will either be a Constitutionally protected mass media collective or a Constitutionally protected all-inclusive collective of information. Stay tuned.

Billionaire Howard Zell bought the Tribune Company. Finally, somebody with billions of dollars can buy my team, spend money on them and lead them to glory in a way that a "gum company and a media conglomerate" (according to Mr. Downey) could not.

In real sports, former wide receiver Darryl Stingley died early this morning in Evanston, Illinois. The 55-year old was paralyzed by a devastating hit in a pre-season football game by Jack Tatum. This event was credited with changing the way football is played, although it certainly had no impact on the Cleveland Browns actually winning Super Bowls before or after the fact.

Billy Donovan put the Gator chomp on Kentucky today when he announced he is staying at Florida as head basketball coach. As long as he doesn't start coaching football, baseball, cricket, rugby or hockey, I'm sure Ohio State will have a shot at winning a championship in something over the next few years.

Barry Bonds is still hitting home runs. This is good for my fantasy team, but bad for everything else baseball related.

Finally, check out the Onion's article on David Ortiz and Jackie Robinson. Hilarious! He doesn't get it like Griffey.

The arts and odds and ends bring up the rear. Keith Richards is adamant that he did not snort his father. Dad will qualify as the only powder Richards didn't put up his beak.

Finally, I guarantee that if you get arrested for drunk driving, you do not A). want to be a municipal official, B). be in a bikini, and C). be a man.

And now your Chicago Bulls (and dinner)

When you sit in the good seats, you are in a better position to take pictures of "The Answer" Allen Iverson being questioned by Captain Kirk Heinrich while Ben Wallace and his cornrows (sob...not the 'fro) watch on in quiet anticipation.


The Bulls topped the Nuggets 109-108 in a see-saw battle at the United Center. The game ended with Ben Gordon missing a shot at the end that improbably rolled to Tyrus Thomas, who soared above the opposition to dunk the ball with 0.2 seconds left on the clock.

Luol Deng, Gordon and Heinrich ruled for the Bulls, while the two-headed Thug Nation of Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson put up a pile of points that came up about 0.2 seconds and one point short. Probably the most clutch performer at the game was the Jose Cuervo lounge with its margaritas and better-than-basketball-game-quality quesadillas.

Check out the Picasa link that has piles of Bulls game video and pictures along with a few dining experiences before the game, which will be described after the basketball links.

A bunch of meals and a Bulls game

Before the game, dinner was at the newly-opened Graze. Graze is an American small plates concept that features a wide variety of tapas and some interesting cocktails and wines that complement the small dishes nicely.

The bread was marvelous. There were flatbreads, olive bread and a sage bread with chunks of sea salt baked into it. The sage bread was an interesting taste experience with an herbal beginning and the salt making your mouth water as you swallow.

The cocktails are a mojito, which was very good, and a Moscow Mule that was absolutely killer with hints of ginger lingering on the quenching finish.

The small plates that I tried were the red pepper hummus with flatbread to dip and a cheese plate with cow, sheep and goat selections and accompaniments like griddled sweet pistachios and apples. The main course, pictured above, is a pumpkin ravioli in a vegetable broth with radishes and green peas. It was stylistically Asian flavored with enough Italian and American influences to make the dish unique. There are also side dishes like skin-on mashed potatoes made to the diner's specifications (our table had white cheddar mashed potatoes).

This restaurant has a ton of vegetarian selections. The only minor complaint in the experience was that certain dishes were a little heavy on the salt. However, a young restaurant may be trying to establish consistency, and the place had more successes than failures, so this was not a major issue.

The pictures are in the same Picasa link above that references the basketball game.


















After the game, it was time for some celebratory drinking. The first spot is about 20 blocks north of the United Center. Piece features a wide selection of beer in addition to their brew pub brewed offerings.

The place offers what they call Connecticut style pizza, which is definitely not Chicago style pizza. It is very good however, with a wide variety of toppings. The only draw back is karaoke night, which drove us back downtown.

Pops for Champagne opened a new outpost in the River North area of Chicago. The place offers a wide variety of quality champagnes and champagne cocktails that are meant to pair with a massive cheese selection and small plate selections. It took a little convincing to get me in dressed like a sporto Bulls fan.

The service was gracious if stretched a little thin. The most interesting cocktail was the Hendrick's gin with cucumber, basil and champagne. The place was more than adequate for providing Bulls celebration juice, but I recommend dressing up a bit more than Al Bundy and I typically do.

Another day, another dollar

As the great philosopher Gene Autry once sang, "I'm back in the saddle again."

The really important international top story is the newly minted confession by 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (who looks like a haggard "Time to Make the Donuts" guy Fred the Baker from the Dunkin Donuts commercials). He also claimed responsibility for bombings in a number of other countries, including Bali and Britain. After six years of questionable interrogation techniques and illegal incarceration, at least the U.S. will get a chance to show Iraq how to properly handle a high profile execution (if there is in fact a way to properly handle any execution).

On a more serious note, he also claimed responsibility for the execution of journalist Daniel Pearl, a Jewish American reporter for the Wall Street Journal. This is a tremendously sad event.It is so depressing that instead of making a joke about it, I will type in a moment of silence.








My good friend Tom Hemsley has been urging me to get focused on the Alberto Gonzales/federal attorney fiasco. He sees it as a cheap, partisan shill. I find that hard to believe. What kind of fool would buy into a low blow allegation like that? Well, for starters, the Nation magazine does. They call this the biggest scandal to plague the Attorney General since the 1920s. Another blog at The Nation identifies the Gonzales issue and Walter Reed as another in a long line of miserable failures by a misguided leader. A CBS interview profiles a terminated Democratic U.S. Attorney who claims he was given no reason for termination after prosecuting a person trying to start an al Qaeda training camp in Oregon as well as the Millenium bomber. Okay, maybe it was a cheap, partisan shill. How was I to know? Now I do.

The New York Times is reporting that progress in Iraq is lagging behind initial goals set by President Bush. These are the same pessimists who are still denying that the mission has in fact been accomplished.

On the front of the ever growing hoard that also doesn't believe the mission has been accomplished is Alabama teenager Ava, who makes professional quality anti-war video clips out of her bedroom. Her Web site has been receiving more and more hits. It is a terrible thing when a 16 year old can figure something out that the President can't.

But at least the war on terror is still going strong. Finally, the Justice Department is taking a bite out of that Miss Chiquita Banana hooker and her terrorist militia ties in Columbia. When nothing else is working, at least you can fall back on the war on terror.

With everything else going so smoothly in Washington, it is also difficult to fathom dozens in the G.O.P turning away from the No Child Left Behind/No Child Moves Forward education plan. House Minority Whip Roy Blunt and as well as Representatives John Cornyn and Eric Cantor (all Republicans) are all jumping off the ship. It appears that in the near future, George Bush will be the only child being left behind.

Federal attorneys who weren't fired recently have taken up prosecution of Angel Raich, a patient with scoliosis, a brain tumor, chronic nausea and other ailments that uses medical marijuana to treat her illnesses. If the war on terror isn't working, you can always go back to the ever successful war on drugs.

Or maybe you can't. According to a National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse report, frequent binge drinking and abuse of prescription drugs is up at college campuses. I'm not a doctor, but as a professional student, it would be pretty easy to blame unsafe behavior on taking the edge off the cost of college. But what do I know?

In other health news, the L.A. Times covered two cases of Chagas disease being transmitted in Los Angeles by blood transfusions. I worked on a project at a medical school with a researcher who was studying Chagas disease, an illness passed by an insect known as the kissing bug throughout Latin America. The disease causes flu-like symptoms at first, which subside and are then followed by severe organ failure as much as 20 years later, and it can be transmitted through blood transfusions. The illness is becoming more common in the United States with its increasing Latino population. Many, but not all blood banks check for Chagas disease. Ding ding ding...U.S. Government, it's your turn to take over.

In media issues, the same L.A. Times has come under fire because two reporters successfully nominated themselves for a Pulitzer Prize. Each newspaper is limited to three nominations, and some feel that this process by the Times was unethical. Everybody, that is, except for the guys who got nominated.

Sports will become all college basketball all the time with March Madness now. I always need an excuse to sit in my apartment in my underwear drinking beer and screaming at the top of my lungs. This is the kind of activity that fills my time card this time of year. So, ladies, if that's the kind of trait you look for in a man, I'll be at the apartment drinking in my underwear until 4:30. Then I have to step out and turn in a paper. I'll be back in my boxers at six. Just knock on the door...pants are optional.

In the ever-growing growth hormone problem, center fielder Gary Matthews, Jr. finally denied using HGH. This advice evidently came from his lawyer, O.J. Simpson murder trial attorney Robert Shapiro. Hopefully Shapiro can explain how Matthews' batting average went from .255 to .313 in one season in addition to his amazing spike in power. It was probably something in the water.

Also in MLB news, Pete Rose admitted to betting on the Reds every night when he managed for them. ESPN Sports Center determined that he would have lost money doing that. All I know is that I bet that admission won't help him get in the Hall of Fame. I'll keep making that bet every night, and I'll keep winning.

Mark Prior is continuing his meteoric decent into mediocrity, taking a dive to the minor leagues.

Prior's injuries were previously mocked by the Chicago Tribune in a column called "Prior Watch" that detailed every minute of his injury updates every day in print. He was the second player drafted when he was selected by the Cubs. Now he is being mocked by a guy with a bag on his head in a White Sox jersey. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

The NFL is expected to agree with the Players Association on a new automatic one year suspension for criminal behavior. It will be called the Pacman Jones/ Chris Henry/ Tank Johnson rule.

Finally, this scandal is so big that it could probably eat half a ton of edamame and soba noodles and come back for seconds. A Japanese muckraking publication is saying that Sumo wrestling is fake, and participants are denying the charges vehemently. I always wondered how Yokozuna made the easy transition to the World Wrestling Federation. Now at least I know.

This bit will wrap up with the crazy news department. Back to issues of HGH, but this time by an American icon, Sylvester Stallone has been charged with importing 48 vials of human growth hormone into Australia. It was obvious from the beginning that only heavy drug use could have caused somebody to be so delusional that they would make the movie "Rocky 7."

Another great topic in the Cleveland Scene is the article about Amish girls getting wasted. As a person who sold piles of liquor and beer to Amish guys whose secular buddies brought them to the liquour store in a van, let me be the first to tell you, "Na Zdrowie."

Finally, a new record may have been set for the best (or worst) criminal of all-time. A 13 year old Nelsonville, Ohio boy has been charged with 128 felonies, including burglary, theft, vandalism and witness intimidation. This may be the final proof needed to ascertain that some of the children have, in fact, been left behind.

Unfortunately, this may be the last political rant for a few days as the operation is moving on to sunnier spring break pastures.

The daily news in 750 words or so

Today's news seemed to sway towards entertainment and sports more so than towards matters that actually affect people. It was that or my attention just picked up on these stories. This might have had something to do with my rush to judgment in the O.J. Mayo arrest. It might have been Greg Oden's announcement that he might stay for one more year (although he still won't graduate from Ohio State). It might have been the blurry head I woke up with this morning. However, this is the lineup of what's going on today.

In front page news, President Bush continued his persona non grata tour of Latin America, meeting with Mexican President Felipe Calderon. Probably the best part of this article, besides the "Could I throw this pinche gringo over this ledge and get away with it?" look on Calderon's face, is the contrast of the headline "Answering Latin Left, Bush Pledges to Help Poor," with the photograph caption that begins " President Bush and President Felipe Calderón of Mexico met for three hours at a luxury hotel." My first suggestion would have been to have the meeting in the Hotel Prim, which according to Expedia, is a steal at $43 per night. But you can't win them all.

Suicide bombers in Pakistan have started to focus attacks on civilian targets as well as military targets according to a New York Times report. President Musharraf refers to the increased attacks as a Talibanization. Whether this is true or not, this would definitely make a great title for Justin Timberlake's next album.

Also, after using Expedia to get hotel rates in Mexico, I can tell you without a doubt that Mexico is a far better vacation destination than Afghanistan. The best hotel rate I could get in Afghanistan was a double room with satellite television for $175 per night. The only real benefit to the vacation is the fantastic exchange rate between the dollar and the afghani. However, the margaritas are far more difficult to find in Kabul than they are in Ciudad de Mexico. At least the opium is plentiful.

As a trifecta from the Times, the civil rights group Council on American-Islamic relations has come under scrutiny for purported links to Hamas and Hezbollah. Yes, America--fighting terrorism one civil rights activist at a time!

On the health front, USA Today cited research that states that cancer rates will swell 55 percent by the year 2020, and that the increase in oncologists will not be able to keep up with the demand. This comes on top of a previous New York Times report that predicted a similar shortage in geriatric practitioners based upon the aging population. One Dr. Gregory Rutecki performed clinical research on this topic and correlated career choice with controllable lifestyle, suggesting the trend will continue. This is all the more reason for me to keep drinking and practicing irresponsible sexual behaviors--so I can beat cancer and the shortage of old people doctors in the future!

At least the Onion has the right advice for the Hillary Clinton Presidential campaign.

Domestic news stories are slightly less depressing, but equally noteworthy. New Yorkers are outraged by some maniac who beat up a 101 year old woman and robbed her in front of a surveillance camera. I haven't seen New Yorkers this upset since the Red Sox came back from an 0-3 hole to beat the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS.

On a lighter note, Colorado state legislators are fighting a battle to get John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" declared the state song. Opponents believe the "High" is a drug high, while Sen. Bob Hagedorn believes it refers to endorphins. Hagedorn is a Democrat from suburban Denver, a city that decriminalized marijuana in 2005. Whether the song is about being high off pot or life, it is certain that the majority of the population of Boulder is still high off one of the two from the last John Denver concert in the late 1990s.

Now it's on to depressing sports news. The New York Times features a story about dementia amongst former football players. The increasing problem has united wives of the players who often need assisted living that can sometimes be tough to come by with the fickle nature of the NFL retirement plan.

The problem of not remembering who a player played his football with is more common than one would guess. Michael Irvin did so much coke he can't remember if he belongs in the Hall of Fame or not. Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson used drugs on the sidelines. Steve McMichael and Dan Hampton were so drunk when the Bears were so drunk in 1985 that they probably barely remember winning the Super Bowl. Luckily, their retirement plans will allow them to keep living this way, while older generation superstars who can't remember their past are trying to figure out the future.

In cheery, happy sports news, the Chicago Bulls out-Irished the Celtics 95-87 last night. Tyrus Thomas was decked out in St. Patrick's day garb which may or may not have helped him drop 23 on the hapless team named after the Irish.

In the category of everything else interesting, Slate featured an article that suggested NCAA bracketology as being the preferred method for people to create their own "Best of" lists. Using this methodology, one can easily determine that Rush Limbaugh is the world's worst pundit, defeating Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter in the Final Four.

In the meat is bad/organic and fair trade is good department, a Times editorial criticizes treatment of animals as food while a Christian Science Monitor article cites fair trade and organic food as a growing market in Britain. Hooray on both fronts!

Arts news allows me to continue being an a%$hole. Social scientific research using factor analysis has identified music choice as an indicator of personality type. Despite the questionable value of factor analysis in certain situations (i.e. psychological research on deeply rooted cultural phenomena like music), the article led me to some interesting conclusions. Mainly, my conclusions are that people who listen to Fall Out Boy are emotionally shallow, intellectually deprived suburbanites, people who listen to Fergie are easily fooled by slight of hand tricks and that people who listen to Justin Timberlake are extremely stupid, American or both.

I don't know what that says about the codgers who were treated to a one song Who concert in Tampa last night. Maybe they won't be fooled again. I don't know what this says about my generation. I guess the kids weren't all right.

Who said what about whom?

On my daily news sojourn, I end up checking out half a billion sites so that I seem half informed while discussing whatever idiosyncratic anomaly is causing the e-mail boxes of America's net-izens to shoot messages back and forth. Today was a tremendous day for news.

The newest Washington scandal involves White House ordering Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to terminate eight federal prosecutors who were not actively pursuing voter fraud cases. This was one of many charges levied behind the scenes at the White House. It's good to see the Bush White House get serious about voter fraud in his final term. Better late than never.

This comes on top of a number of reports that have begun to identify combat veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan as returning with a noticeable mental health problems. The ratio of troops returning with mental health problems is as high as one out of three. Well, at least they can receive treatment at Walter Reed. Err, I mean...

On top of all the other positive vibes emanating from the armed forces comes this little nugget. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace has called homosexuality "immoral" in a Chicago Tribune interview. This is obviously going to be an enormous setback in my campaign to help Andy Dick by allowing a military experience to help him maintain a little discipline.

In international news, the Sudan is still a mess. Now, not only are government troops a problem. Now the rebels are causing problems. Both SLA and janjaweed troops are gunning down aid workers. Mark Sudan down as a fantastic place for a reporter to make their career, and an equally fantastic place to dodge gun fire.

Media reports were blowing up all over the place. The big money story involves Viacom filing suit against YouTube and Google for $1 billion. Viacom wants compensation for what it claims are over 160,000 unauthorized clips posted on the video sharing site YouTube. If you would have asked me two years ago to put a cash value on Carlos Mencia and My Super Sweet 16, I would have offered you all of the change in my pocket and the red pepper hummus in my refrigerator. But what do I know?

Although this isn't news per se, it is a fantastic journalistic tool. The Project for Excellence in Journalism's News Coverage Index is a large project that analyzes 48 or more news sources in order to paint a picture of what the American media are covering in a given week. This week, Scooter Libby is the big topic, followed by the 2008 election and Iraq. The index breaks down different media separately. They also do a talk show index in case you want to know what Papa Bear O'Reilly has to say. This is an excellent resource and it is well worth checking out.

In freedom of information news, the state of Texas is expected to file more than 400 bills that involve freedom of information issues. These bills are expected to remove documents that are currently available from a Freedom of Information request from public access. I expect all of the journalists in Texas, the major legal defense groups in the field and all of the hippies in Austin to battle this one out.

In the list of hirings and firings, ESPN has hired NFL Hall of Fame Running Back and Dancing With the Stars champion Emmitt Smith as a network analyst. Smith is replacing former teammate, loose cannon and jailbird Michael Irvin. Way to be a team player Smitty!

Where Emmitt Smith goes, Sports are sure to follow. The Pittsburgh Penguins will keep playing in Pittsburgh according to a report in the Post-Gazette. This should be extremely good news to both National Hockey League fans in the city.

Again, however, college basketball is the story of the day. Instead of being stories about impressive athletic performances, however, today's stories focus on overwhelming failures. The New York Times profiled suspended Gonzaga power forward Josh Heytvelt, a sophomore who was arrested with an ounce of psychedelic mushrooms earlier this season. I always thought Adam Morrison looked stoned with that ridiculous mustache. However, it is fairly obvious in most instances that the only way to watch West Coast Conference basketball is with an ounce of mushrooms in hand. It makes all the other schools look competitive with Gonzaga, who is in the NCAA tournament.

Also in the same department of overwhelming college basketball success stories coupled with indubitable failure comes the report in the Sporting News that 10 percent of Ohio State basketball players graduated with degrees from Ohio State between 1996 to 1999. It is sometimes difficult to criticize a school where academic stalwarts like Andy Katzenmoyer roamed the sidelines and excelled in the classroom.
Hopefully Greg Oden's 11 teammates get a degree before he bolts for the NBA in a month.

An emphatic happy birthday goes out to Twins pitcher Johan Santana. Santana wants the Twins to give him a contract extension. They should give him anything he wants. If I had been smart enough to trade that pocket change and hummus for Comedy Central and MTV stock, I'd chip in and send him to the Cubs and mail Mark Prior to Peoria myself.


Speaking of the Cubs, I believe that Carlos Zambrano should walk, not run, when he puts the ball in play.








Cleaning up the leftovers, today marks the 226th anniversary of William Herschel's cataloging of Uranus as a planet. In local oddities, the Dayton Daily News reports on a person being arrested with 350 pounds of marijuana, basically ruining John Popper's plans of doing a special impromptu event in Columbus. Finally, California Congressman Pete Stark is the highest ranking U.S. official to come out as an atheist. God bless him!

Block News for 12 March

Your national story of the day is the continuing Walter Reed hospital public relations fiasco. Today the highest ranking medical officer General Kevin C. Kiley resigned. He is the third person to resign in this scandal that combines politics with medical ethics for a story that ends badly for all involved.

However, in terms medical coverage about other hospitals, I am convinced that no medium covers medicine in a more interesting fashion than the Los Angeles Times. In terms of the importance of the stories that the Times has covered, today's story might not even be the best. But their tenacity is fantastic.

This article tries to link a drug overdose to shortsightedness by military hospital personnel in Los Angeles in a similar backdrop to the Walter Reed story that involves a recovering drug addict. Some of these ethical dilemmas make for great theater. March 2 they ran an article about a doctor who deliberately overdosed a patient with sedatives and pain killers while six staff members watched and did not intervene. The doctor was a transplant surgeon, and used the drugs to hasten the death of an organ donor.

This is another in a long line of stories the L.A. Times has run about transplant centers gone awry, as each of the links in this sentence will demonstrate. The names that seem to come up for reporting the stories is Tracy Weber and Charles Ornstein. Hopefully the medical community will applaud your efforts. These are great stories.

On other pages of the L.A. Times (namely the front page), the fallback plan for Iraq was detailed. The plan is based upon the pullout from El Salvador in 1980s. It is good to see that Plan G is in place if the troop surge Plan F doesn't work. Plan F is naturally the good natured but problematic follow up to the failed Plans E,D,C,B and A. Glad to see some planning and scheming going on behind the scenes.

Sports news involves one topic and one topic only today. Go March Madness or go home. It's that simple. Every commentator on the planet is crying about who could've, should've, would've been in the tournament. I can't decide who to put in my pool final four. This year, I'm going front runner with two one-seeds and two two-seeds in my Final Four. I'm traveling through the pool with a Salt Lake City conservative approach.

Of course, criminality and sports keep boiling in the background. Chris Simon got suspended for teeing off on Ryan Hollweg's face with a hockey stick. In the WWE, that might get him a title belt. In the NHL, it gets him a 25 game suspension.







Also, former North Hill basketball player O.J. Mayo was arrested for marijuana possession. The 6' 4 point guard is the highest (no pun intended) rated player in high school basketball. He is projected to go from one year of NCAA basketball to the NBA fast lane. Mayo, who committed to USC, is a Cincinnati area youth. He was apparently strongly influenced by the behavior of his hometown football team the Cincinnati Bengals.

Lastly, in entertainment, the House of Representatives subcommittee on telecommunications and the internet is having a hearing tomorrow with video archive of the discussi0n available. This is an important issue involving music, radio and Web communication. Stay tuned and make sure this ends well.

Fake Sports and Avalanche Pizza

I am consumed with fake sports. There, I said it. I play sports video games. I have a fantasy baseball team during my fantasy football off-season. I am in 57 different NCAA Basketball Pools. I even worked as a sports editor in college. Yet the last exercise I got was carrying beer down Jeff Hill. I work at fake sports but avoid physical exertion. Ironic, no?

However, at least I can ponder these things while eating a cheesy, pesto-encrusted masterpiece. I'm not going to lie. I just keep going back to Avalanche Pizza. The Veggie Rainbow pizza is outstanding! Broccoli, zucchini, sweet corn, roma tomatoes, spinach, swirled pesto and marinara sauce alongside provolone and mozzarella cheese make me smile like the fat, cholesterol-laden sod I am.

However, those looking to avoid the LDL rush can also be avoided with the I Was A Teenage Vegan Werewolf Pizza, with its whole wheat crust topped with marinara, red onions, spinach, artichoke hearts, roasted red peppers and mushrooms. You can get many other vegetarian options or build your own pizza out of animal flesh.