With times more trying then ever, Americans need to find more outlets for relaxation. Leave it to our leaders to find a way to smile with pain and pitfalls surrounding their every move.
It only took $400+ billion and 60,000 casualties for the Washington Post to figure out that there was no connection between Hussein's Iraq and al-Qaeda. In other startling news, the Post also determined that the world is round, that the pope is Catholic and that Elmer Fudd will never catch that rascally rabbit.
America is planning to release the five Iranian diplomats it captured in Iraq according to a New York Sun report. The gentlemen will be sent back with specific instructions not to take over Iraq until after the United States abandons the country.
The military went on another of its strong recruiting efforts. Corey Andrew Powell, an openly gay man, was approached by the U.S. Army because of a resume he posted on Career Builder. After inquiring sarcastically about whether gays were allowed to serve in the military, Powell received back caustic e-mails that included remarks in the incendiary all caps format that read: " YOU ARE DEFINITELY UNQUALIFIED, NOW TAKE YOU GAY SELF SOMEPLACE ELSE WE DO NOT TOLERATE GAY PEOPLE LIKE YOU IN ANY PART OF THE MILITARY." and " YOU HEAD OF FTO THE GAY LAND OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO MORALS AND GET RID OF YOURSELF. PERSONALLY I THINK BEING GAY IS DISGUSTING AND IMMORAL." That was definitely not an Army Strong response.
In Somalia, European diplomats were investigating allegations of war crimes levied against participants in a battle between Somali and Ethiopian forces in the capital city of Mogadishu. President Bush plans to step in and lend assistance after he conquers Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Sudan. He also might take time to eat lunch before he jumps into the fray.
In the great United States Florida is beginning a policy to allow all felons but " convicted murderers, sexual predators and 'violent career criminals'” to vote in upcoming elections. The sex offenders, while they can't vote, help showcase Florida's commitment to rehabilitation for criminals in their fancy housing facilities for offenders under causeway bridges. At least the Bush White House will have somewhere safe and democratic to go in 2009.
On the other coast, the L.A. Times forecasts drought and Dust Bowl-like conditions in the Southwest because of global warming. This means that by 2050, Los Angeles will not only seem like the shittiest place on Earth; it actually will be the shittiest place on Earth. At least you'll be able to keep track of the change with the Christian Science Monitor's handy dandy Global Warming Web site.
Big automotive business is struggling in Detroit, which has prompted billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian to bid for the Chrysler portion of the German Daimler Chrysler. Reports indicate he is paying one-eighth what the German company paid for the automaker. I don't know how you say "I'll take that disaster off your hands while you slink away into the sunset" in German, but I'm sure Kerkorian's translators have that covered.
Baseball season brings the story of Creighton pitcher Pat Venditte, an ambidextrous pitcher who gets batters out throwing right handed and left handed. Chances remain that Venditte could strike out Reds outfielder Adam Dunn right handed, left handed or merely by kicking the ball in the general direction of home plate. In Cincinnati, the town is in need of better pitching after the Wild Thing Vaughn performance of Mayor Mark Mallory.
Desecrating all that is sacred is part of the music business. However, let me be the first to say that the plan for Oasis, the Killers, the Kaiser Chiefs, the Fratellis and Razorlight to record a tribute version of the Beatles' magnum opus " Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" is a bad idea. Oasis already tried being the Beatles once...and failed. Let poor John and George rest. What's next, Carrie Underwood and Clay Aiken re-recording "Billie Holiday Sings"?
