18 July 2007

Bill O'Reilly Might Be the One True Path to God

The one true church continues its one true path to public relations purgatory. The real theological quandary centers around the question of why the intermediaries between God and man can't keep their grubby fingers off the children, and why the church continues to fund a campaign of mass-pedophilia.

A new intelligence report questions the decision to steer the war on terrorism into Iraq. This comes on the tails of lawmakers being unable to derive an exit scenario for the pullout in Iraq. Following afterward, the all-night session in Congress failed to produce a pull out plan. Our efforts have created a stronger and more able enemy that is a threat to homeland security. Summarizing all the findings, we had no business in Iraq, we can't get out of Iraq, and no part of the government can do anything to fix the situation.

If the efforts in Iraq are completely failing, it would be remiss if the failures in Afghanistan weren't mentioned. Bush aides are describing the efforts in Afghanistan against al-Qaeda as failures. They describe the war on terror with the same terminology that historians describe the Bush Presidency.

Robert Sheer describes the Bush reign as imperialistic and misguided, calling him America's second King George. The only positive thing in the U.S. is that our monarchs are limited to an eight-year period of control.

Everybody's favorite neo-con cowboy Bill O'Reilly has picked a new opponent: the blogosphere. O'Reilly characterizes left-leaning blog the Daily Kos as a bastion for hate speech, and goes after JetBlue Airlines, a company that sponsored a Daily Kos event. If satirical political discourse qualifies as hate speech, it would only be fair if Bill O'Reilly steps down alongside the Daily Kos. Imagine what would happen if people kept track of the hateful, stupid things O'Reilly said in the past.

An airplane crash in Brazil has claimed more than 200 victims. Bill O'Reilly blamed the crash on the plane's liberal bias.

NFL superstar/walking controversy Michael Vick has been indicted on charges stemming from an investigation into his involvement in dog fighting. Vick was allegedly consulted before a wounded dog was coated in water and electrocuted. The stories are so brutal that Vick, the Falcons and Home Depot should expect a vicious PETA protest at their doorstep in the next few weeks.

In stories of the bleeding obvious, steroids and drugs were found in Chris Benoit's system before he murdered his wife and son. In other news, water is wet and Yao Ming is tall.

In entertainment news, funny man Jon Lovitz beat the crap out of crazy man Andy Dick. If Lovitz has trouble breaking back into show business, they will probably be casting for a new season of the Ultimate Fighter on Spike TV soon. I predict that a Jon Lovitz/Tim Meadows would be a great mixed martial arts competition finale.

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