31 July 2007

237 Reasons to Support Nuclear Power and Hillary Clinton

If you thought that lawmakers in Washington were glowing over their accomplishments last week, you might not have thought a raise in their exposure to radiation was responsible for their warm glow. A one sentence provision in a recently passed energy bill drastically increases funding for new nuclear power projects in the U.S. It seemed like nuclear power was already doing quite well, especially after the successful weekend "The Simpsons" film had at the box office. Montgomery Burns, it appears, should make out well on all fronts.

The Huffington Post has identified the newest beam of support for the White House case for a continued presence in Iraq...General David Petraeus. The good general is expected to issue a report on the situation in Iraq that addresses some of the shortcomings of the last few months worth of fighting the war on terror in Iraq while at the same time praising the results of the surge. This comes on the heels of a report given by the NYTimes that identified a U.S. intention to keep troop numbers up in Iraq through 2009. If this report were a musical, Petraeus would be singing "Cockeyed Optimist" while Bush and Cheney offer a duet of "The Song that Never Ends" with the word "war" superimposed in the places where "song" would be sung.

Ex Khmer Rouge prison chief Duch is the first of many expected to be tried for human rights abuses that occurred in Cambodia in the 1970s. While Pol Pot escaped the harsh punishment his actions deserved through death, at least the long-suffering victims will get a chance to see a few of his more notorious minions pan fried.

Chief Justice John Roberts recovered quickly after he had an unexplained seizure that sent him to the hospital. I'm not a doctor, but I'd blame the episode on Roberts standing within five miles of Alberto "It's Good to Have Known You" Gonzales' testimony in Congress. That logic could make concrete have a grand mal seizure.

Hootan Roozrokh has become what is believed to be the nation's first doctor charged with a felony for his role in a transplant. The transplant surgeon is accused of using drugs to hasten the demise of a patient in order to harvest his organs sooner. Dr. Roozrohk may also have become the first organ transplant surgeon in the United States to succeed in making people feel suspicious of a service that is meant to save their lives. You can bet that Doctor Demented will not be appearing in any of next year's public service announcements about organ transplantation.

Morbid coverage continues with the story of the death of the architect of the west coast offense
Bill Walsh. Walsh, winner of three Super Bowls as coach of the San Francisco 49ers, died of leukemia at the age of 75. As a Bears fan, little pleased me quite as much as the stifling defense in 1985 coupled with the debut of the William Perry wrecking ball from the backfield, crushing your well oiled machine at Candlestick Park 26-10. But football wouldn't be like it is today without you, regardless of what team you coached. You were a great foe, and an even better friend to the game.

Chelsea Clinton is aiming to be the first two-time First Daughter with Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail. I'd prefer that Obama and his relatives inherit all of the First titles, but I'll take Chelsea Part Deux along with the Hillary in Charge show on the following, non-negotiable conditions:

A). I get to hang out at a bar two Saturdays a month on the Georgetown campus with Bill Clinton, canoodeling and cavorting the night away. I can crash in the Lincoln Bedroom afterward. B). I am given permission to misuse executive authority against Brett Favre in any way I see fit. C). Chelsea Clinton at least gives me some serious consideration as the future First Son-In-Law. If I achieve the rank of First Son-in-Law, I can crash in the Lincoln Bedroom whenever I have the need. And I can call Hillary mom. It's a small list of demands to get me into the fold. Like the Timberwolves, you'd probably better take the offer when it's on the table.

Finally, in the crazy news department, University of Texas researchers came up with 237 reasons why people have sex. They left off a couple of my favorites ("to celebrate the Bears going to the Super Bowl" and "it was either that or watching another episode of The O'Reilly Factor") while proving that no research is worthless so long as it gets you a news brief next to the story about Britney Spears' latest public foibles.

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