17 July 2007

Bend It Like Bushie

For those of us who don't pay attention to the MLS (most if not all of America), David Beckham has landed. The New Republic does its best to blow through the hype and explain why Beckham is an overrated one trick pony. The opponents of that assertion believe that Beckham is to soccer what Michael Jordan was to baseball...an ambassador that will help sell minor league tickets.

War games strategies propose that a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq would lead to Iraq splintering into three states rather than Iraq becoming a pawn under the control of radical Iran. This runs contrary to White House predictions that exiting Iraq would create absolute anarchy. Prognostications from professionals never stop those in power from doing something crazy like throwing money at militant groups in Iraq to battle other militants. I don't know why I expected the will of the people and common sense to overrule Bush's tenacious disregard for the obvious.

The sand is dropping through the hour glass, and Bush needs to make it look like he accomplished something during his last four years in office. He has chosen the always popular peace in Israel plan as his new way of keeping busy. The betting pool involves picking what happens last--peace in Israel, peace in Iraq, or peace in Columbus, Ohio during the Michigan football game.

Two earthquakes in Japan caused leakage at a nuclear facility near Tokyo. According to cinematic tradition, it is now time for Mothra to battle Godzilla for domination of the island nation.

The L.A. Times profiled a Frenchman who spent years in Iranian jail after accidentally becoming mired in a territorial battle. The article, while critical of the shortcomings of the Iranian legal system, still leads one to believe that the only place preferable to Gitmo is in fact Iranian prison.

The Democrats and fiscal responsibility seem to be mutually exclusive, but campaign research shows that Clinton and Obama are balancing their budgets while the Republicans are raising less money and spending it irresponsibly. Apparently the new Republican party is socially conservative and fiscally retarded.

Russia and Great Britain are at odds, with Russia promising swift retribution to Britain expelling diplomats after officials stated that they would refuse the extradition of a Russian accused of the murder of
Alexander Litvinenko in London. Analysts predict that this will escalate to the point where Lennox Lewis will have to fight Fedor Emelianenko to the death in order to determine which country is right.

Finally, if the idea of a bunch of jerkoffs winning millions playing poker doesn't upset you enough, perhaps the idea of paying to watch these jerkoffs win millions will truly irritate you. The only sporting events more boring than competitive poker will be played at the Home Depot Center with the team trying to bend it like Beckham.

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