For those of us who don't pay attention to the MLS (most if not all of America), David Beckham has landed. The New Republic does its best to blow through the hype and explain why Beckham is an overrated one trick pony. The opponents of that assertion believe that Beckham is to soccer what Michael Jordan was to baseball...an ambassador that will help sell minor league tickets.
War games strategies propose that a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq would lead to Iraq splintering into three states rather than Iraq becoming a pawn under the control of radical Iran. This runs contrary to White House predictions that exiting Iraq would create absolute anarchy. Prognostications from professionals never stop those in power from doing something crazy like throwing money at militant groups in Iraq to battle other militants. I don't know why I expected the will of the people and common sense to overrule Bush's tenacious disregard for the obvious.
The sand is dropping through the hour glass, and Bush needs to make it look like he accomplished something during his last four years in office. He has chosen the always popular peace in Israel plan as his new way of keeping busy. The betting pool involves picking what happens last--peace in Israel, peace in Iraq, or peace in Columbus, Ohio during the Michigan football game.
Two earthquakes in Japan caused leakage at a nuclear facility near Tokyo. According to cinematic tradition, it is now time for Mothra to battle Godzilla for domination of the island nation.
The L.A. Times profiled a Frenchman who spent years in Iranian jail after accidentally becoming mired in a territorial battle. The article, while critical of the shortcomings of the Iranian legal system, still leads one to believe that the only place preferable to Gitmo is in fact Iranian prison.
The Democrats and fiscal responsibility seem to be mutually exclusive, but campaign research shows that Clinton and Obama are balancing their budgets while the Republicans are raising less money and spending it irresponsibly. Apparently the new Republican party is socially conservative and fiscally retarded.
Russia and Great Britain are at odds, with Russia promising swift retribution to Britain expelling diplomats after officials stated that they would refuse the extradition of a Russian accused of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London. Analysts predict that this will escalate to the point where Lennox Lewis will have to fight Fedor Emelianenko to the death in order to determine which country is right.
Finally, if the idea of a bunch of jerkoffs winning millions playing poker doesn't upset you enough, perhaps the idea of paying to watch these jerkoffs win millions will truly irritate you. The only sporting events more boring than competitive poker will be played at the Home Depot Center with the team trying to bend it like Beckham.
If you had no idea who Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Gravel was before today, make sure to check out his compelling (and crazy) campaign video. Mike, I vote for you as the only Democratic candidate who can pull off McCain crazy. Congrats!
U.S. Diplomats in Iraq (i.e. the people who drew the shortest possible straw on President Bush's diplomatic assignment day) are complaining that they are vulnerable as construction of their fortified new embassy has hit numerous delays. The embassy (price tag: $592 million) has had many safety mistakes in the construction of the facility. The most notable of these safety mistakes is putting your half billion dollar embassy in Baghdad.
Strikes against radical militants at a mosque in Pakistan continue. More than 700 have surrendered and 19 have been killed in a siege at the Red Mosque. The sect showed very strong evidence of its radical roots when its leader Maulana Abdul Aziz was captured...in drag. Pervez Musharraf had better watch out. He can probably contain radical Islam, but he doesn't want to rile the radical cross-dressing sub-sect of Islam.
On the heels of Sicko and on the approach of another Presidential election, the NYTimes characterizes the different health plans for each of the Presidential hopefuls. The best health care plan I can visualize involves Clinton and Giuliani staying home on election day so my heart doesn't get crushed by candidate banality.
Hamas in confident that it can control Palestinian territory after the organization secured the release of journalist Alan Johnston. Israel later killed 11 in Gaza to remind to Hamas who is really in control.
The Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger has recently run into a couple of problems. In the movies, he could beat the tar out of the bad guys or blow them away with automatic weapons or even destroy them with clever one-liners. However, his stage persona is nothing compared to the power of number crunchers who found that Arnie finances his lavish travel arrangements by offering generous tax refunds to those who give him free travel and accommodations. Arnold might be back, but who knows if he can climb out of the controversy.
The most important sports news is that the Russian city of Sochi won the bid for the 2014 Winter Olympics. I was relieved to hear this news, because now I know what country they will be broadcasting the Winter Olympics from when I am busy not watching it.
Candymakers danced the dance of joy when researches connected dark chocolate consumption with lower blood pressure. Just keep telling yourself that, fatty.
News of the Weird covers a week's worth of crazy stories, and few were crazier than the paternity case involving a woman who slept with identical twins on the same day. (If the link doesn't match, the story will be here.) Both men are matches for paternity, and the brother being dragged to court is naturally blaming his twin. Bro, don't do me like that!
Hamas TV finally found a way to end negotiations with Disney about their Mickey Mouse knockoff Farfour. Farfour met his end, becoming the first martyr on children's television. Israel responded promptly with air strikes that, while not aimed at stopping the Kenny-like resurrection of Martyr Mouse, probably should be.
Police in London located and disabled two car bombs one day before two men in a flaming SUV drove directly into a Glasgow airport terminal. The incident led to heightened security stateside. As long as David Beckham and his enormous contract are in good condition, the situation should be fine.
After a few months on the DL, the Supreme Court has returned to the mainstream. The NYTimes reports that the newly-minted Roberts court with the well-trained legal beagle Samuel Alito has shifted to the right. Many decisions are split 5-4, with Kennedy acting as the tiebreaker. The New Republic details the ideological divide between the conservative jurists. One of the biggest sticking points between the old-guard conservatives and the new blood is that Clarence Thomas has much rougher taste in porn compared to Alito and Roberts.
That same court will be re-deciding the Gitmo issue soon. If it's anything but a 9-0 decision in opposition of the issue of indefinite detentions, impeach every justice in support of Guantanamo and make them serve an indefinite detention there until they see it the right way.
Since the news is all legal today, Germany is considering overturning all decisions of execution for treason during the Nazi era. Since all of those sentenced have already been executed, it is unclear what this action would accomplish. If anybody buys into it, though, it might be a spectacular plan for utilizing sleight of hand tricks in rebuilding America's future post-Bush diplomatic efforts.
Joel Siegel, the ABC film critic who could make or break a film on ABC News, lost his long battle with cancer. It was probably best before he got an opportunity to be exposed to Ocean's 14.
He also was lucky enough to go before witnessing the carnage that is people stupid enough to wait 15 hours in line for an iPhone. That should be doubly good if the iPhone is not as cool as advertised.
Sometimes you see things coming. Other times, events surprise you. As long as events continue as they are, most events in your daily life will continue to defy explanation.
U.S. forces have stepped up the efforts to battle Sunni insurgents in and around Baghdad. Soon afterward, a car bomb exploded in a market and added up massive casualties. It is almost unthinkable that there are any troops, insurgents and citizens left to kill.
For the first time in the history of history, the United States is lifting sanctions against the Palestinian government. President Abbas is expected to use the funds to continue the fight against the rowdy Hamas faction that is actively pursuing resistance efforts in Gaza. Much like in Presidential elections, the world often throws support behind what seems to be the lesser of two evils.
The greater of two evils in the last election has a history of signing bills into law and refusing to enforce the legislated provisions according to a recent study. It seems unthinkable that George W. Bush would say one thing and then do another. His demeanor seems so consistent. Luckily for his self-esteem, he isn't very good at comprehending quantitative statistics.
The 2008 Election Report includes proof that the bellwether states represent nobody. Polls in Iowa and New Hampshire show Mitt the Nit leads the Republican race in both money and popularity. Iowa and New Hampshire are less representative of America than Mitt Romney is of the city of Boston.
Law and order candidate Fred Thompson is running into some campaign obstacles because of his role on the television show "Law & Order." Equal time requirements will quash the 57 appearances Thompson makes daily on 34 networks on the popular series. It is only fair if they remove and burn every copy of Rudy Giuliani on "Saturday Night Live" in order to keep everything balanced.
Slate details Google's answer to Microsoft Outlook. Hopefully they are on the way to designing a Web-based alternative to Vista.
The city that Capone built is gearing up for another high-profile mob trial, complete with a shrouded jury. Hopefully none of them are regular viewers of "The Sopranos" because other than Carlo, not too many of the characters who crossed the mafia got out in one piece.
Slate continues its pursuit of absolute journalistic truth with its positive review of the latest anti-drug commercial. The author of the article enjoyed the commercial greatly because he relishes psychedelic experiences like reasonable anti-drug commercials.
It's going to be hard for me to say, but I have a better chance at becoming a bikini model than Cleveland has at becoming NBA champion. Game 4 should provide a great soundtrack to bore you to sleep at night.
If you're looking for something to get you excited, perhaps the bombing of one of Iraq's holiest sites will make you more than a little uneasy. The first attack years ago has been cited as the root of sectarian violence in the region. In technical terms, blowing the towers at the shrine up fucked everything up worse than it is fucked up already.
The two sides of the Palestinian coin Hamas and Fatah are engaged in a bitter civil war/power struggle, and they have decided to turn up the heat. Nothing is out of bounds, with military forces attacking leadership houses. I'm not sure if you were ever really safe walking around the streets of Gaza, but I'm guessing today is a little less safe than it was yesterday.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been under fire since he silenced a critical television station. Chavez, the clown prince of the Southern hemisphere, is starting to flex his inner Machiavelli. If only the U.S. government could revoke Fox News' license for failing to serve the public interest, I'd vote Chavez for President in 2008.
News of the weird leads off with an L.A. Times profiling students that live a college life while not actually being enrolled in school. Let me be the first to tell you that if I didn't have to be in school, I sure as hell wouldn't be hanging around the library pretending to study philosophy.
Texas officials are reporting on widespread use amongst high school kids of a heroin-based cocktail drug known as cheese heroin. The $2 smack is mixed with the drug found in Tylenol PM and other sleeping medicines. I never needed help falling asleep in high school, and I have never done a drug named after a dairy product. But then again I have never lived in Texas.
Stalker engine Facebook has drummed up federal charges for an online predator. Allowing people like this into the Facebook community is akin to allowing a Catholic priest to be in charge of a youth summer camp. Shame on Facebook and the predator (and while I'm at it, shame on the Catholic Church).
Russia, the country that poisons critics in other nations, poisoned Kremlin protesters...with the smell of feces. Most protesters were driven away by the foul aroma of fertilizer that was conveniently strewn around the protest area. You know what they say. If it looks like shit and smells like shit...
