Effortlessly Unbeatable

Go ahead, Tiger Woods. You just had to prove once again that you were better than everybody else and ruin my dreams of the Golfing Beer Keg John Daly taking the major. Rooting against Tiger is like cheering against inevitability. Picking the field against Woods in a major is like putting your money on the Washington Generals. The field in professional golf typically plays like the Generals. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Those looking for somebody to blame over economic problems tied to the latest batch of Wall Street woes would have problems connecting the two based upon the decentralized lending hub that makes up the domestic mortgage system. Accordingly, Americans should do what they've always done and focus their efforts blaming the boogie man, gremlins or Saddam Hussein.

The White House is intensifying the pressure on the illegal immigration issue, using 26 measures that strengthen the laws already in place. It's about time in my opinion. If our government can't keep foreigners like Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal out of America where they are stealing money from the honest native population, how else can we expect Andy Roddick to win a tennis major?

The NYTimes details a new highway in Israel that is segregated to keep Jews and Palestinians apart. There should be a similar proposal in the United States where the highway is partitioned to separate people who are driving on the highway from people who are using their cell phones, Blackberries and DVD players to connect to the world.

The Iraq War Czar Douglas Lute has a new plan for strengthening the forces in Iraq, and it's based upon an old, unpopular relic from past wars...the draft. The only people in this country that support a draft are the New York Knicks because having a few players shipped out to Iraq is the only way they could get rid of the dead weight that currently makes up their roster.

While the current Supreme Court has done everything in its power to crush Constitutional rights of ordinary citizens, the lower courts have done their damnedest to stick up for the little guy. It's about time somebody other than Ralph Nader and his reviews of the latest developments in microwave ovens supported the people of this country.

George Bush has been a President that deeply concerned about his historical legacy, and after all of the bad press that has been thrown his way, somebody has finally given credit where credit is due. The authoritarian president of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe cites the policy of espionage used by the Bush administration as the basis and the defense for the newest tool in the dictator's bag of tricks. Both Bush and Mugabe have authority to secretly authorize wiretaps and email surveillance. Being a model for Mugabe does for your legacy what Michael Richards gets backing your credibility at an NAACP convention.

The news day concludes with a woman from Virginia who sold a chunk of her driveway with a smeared patch of sealant colored like the face of Jesus Christ on eBay for $1,800. This is only one of many examples of eBay generating big money for religious icons. The previous examples included spirituality in the form of Funyuns and grilled cheese. If anybody is interested, I just took a dump that is shaped like Goliath's head after David hit him with the rock, and you can bid on it in the comments section.

Crown John Daley's Ass

I was hoping that I could lead off today with the story of John Daly on top of the pack at the PGA Championship, but trained doofus Scott Verplank had to shoot 4 under to take a one stroke lead over the neatly chiseled specimen pictured above (as of press time). Nothing screams athlete like the Hooter's logo stretched over your man breast. What was Daly's secret to success in the oppressive heat? He recommends caffeine, cigarettes and a training regimen that involves slot machine gambling. Everybody roots for Daly because he makes the common man believe that no matter how much drinking, smoking, eating and lounging we do, we might be good enough at something to be crowned champion.

The stock market is rapidly turning to mush, with the credit issues in the United States causing economic unrest in Europe. Sounds like it's time to invest in Matthew Lesko's free government money plan before your stock portfolio turns to worthless paper.

After an angry rebuke from Washington, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf canceled his plan to declare a state of emergency in his country. Maybe somebody should explain to them the lesson learned by most children at some point or another: pretending something isn't there doesn't make it go away.

Salon details the lengths it is possible for the executive office to go in espionage efforts after Congress allowed the secretive spying to continue. Maybe you aren't so paranoid, schizoid...they really ARE watching you.

Slate continues the bad press for America's mayor, going over Giuliani's shortsighted plan for health care that benefits the diabolical insurance industry more than the American people who don't own the Blue Cross/Blue Shield corporation. Bad press this election has correlated strongly with successful Republican fundraising, meaning that after this past week, Rudy should be in front by a county mile. Just check my columns for the past week. Giuliani fictionalizes his experience with terrorism. His daughter is voting for Obama. Fred Thompson is going to have to start calling Giuliani "Daddy Warbucks" if Right Said Fred doesn't start hitting Mariska Hargitay up for some campaign contributions soon.

Speaking of bad press, Google is trying out a new feature that will allow subjects of news reports to write a reply to the coverage. Hopefully the public relations minions from Barry Bonds and Alberto Gonzales' camps don't catch wind of these developments. The landslide of complaining could deluge the Web.

According to a recent study, increased cigarette taxes have decreased smoking. In other news, I drive less because gas is more expensive and I don't spend all day in strip clubs because I actually have to pay money to be there.

According to a recent survey by Mayor Daley, there are only 24 homeless people living in Downtown Chicago. Apparently the last time I was on Ohio Street, the entire homeless population asked me for money, or a few others enjoyed the opportunities available in the Loop and commuted on the train from Des Plaines.

In closing (and also related to Chicago), Coors is planning to continue the ad campaign that features stupid clips of football coaches talking with the Coors Light crew with material from former Cardinals coach Dennis Green and his famous meltdown.

Stupid Guy: Coach, we had a six pack of widemouth Coors Light cans in the cooler, but my buddies drank them all.

Coach Green: We had them on the hook, and we let them get away!

Stupid Guy 2: Is Coors Light the best beer of all time?

Coach Green: If you want to crown them, just crown their ass!

Classic!

756 and Counting

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present to you the new Sultan of Swat, the alleged greatest home run hitter of all time, Barry Lamar Bonds. Home run number 756 is sure to draw the ire of sportswriters everywhere. Whatever happens down the line, I hope somebody puts an asterisk next to Bud Selig's tenure as commissioner of baseball.

Temperatures are up across the board in the U.S. lately. Temperatures for the PGA Championship will be greater than 100 degrees everyday of the tournament. My advice is stay inside unless you are trying to win a competitive prfessional golf tournament, and if your name is Rory Sabatini, stay inside anyway.

In Iraq, the sectarian violence will continue to get worse if the Americans stay or if they go predicts former New York Times Middle East bureau chief Chris Hedges. About the only good news in Iraq is that the U.S. has put in a request to receive military assistance from the United Nations. Hopefully the U.N. gets there before things get much worse.

On the other front of the ever-failing war on terror, the Taliban staged an unsuccessful attack on a U.S. army base in Afghanistan. Stress like this could only drive soldiers to do hard drugs...like the cheap, easily available heroin in Afghanistan. This gives the phrase "War on Drugs" a whole new meaning.

On another front of the ever-failing war on drugs, Mexican President Felipe Calderon has asked for aid to fight the powerful drug cartels in his country. Bush promised financial support as well as the tenacious cooperation of the well-armed Ted Nugent and the deeply-indebted Wesley Snipes.

The six miners trapped underground in Utah may have to stay there for a week because of seismic activity and dangerous conditions. I'm curious as to what kind of conditions can be more dangerous than being trapped underground for a week in a coal mine.

North Korea and South Korea will hold a joint summit, bringing the two nations together for the second time in seven years. This could be the most anticipated reunion of the year save for the anticipation of Axl Rose for a future paycheck with a full band Guns N Roses reunion.

Federal authorities are also expected to announce a major crackdown on illegal hiring in the United Staes. They could also try investigating the formerly illegal warrantless wiretapping program and its illegal henchman Alberto Gonzales while they're at it.

Some Cheese Smells Like Sweat

Rasheed Wallace is to technical fouls what Ron Jeremy is to cheap, meaningless sex. The major differentiating factor is that Jeremy gets paid for the sex while Rasheed typically pays for the fouls. This time Wallace paid with a loss, and some poor sap got rewarded with a sweaty jersey to the face. Check the video to see if Wallace is technically foul.

As of this morning, the 219 troops killed this month surpassed the highest total of deaths for two months of combat in Iraq. With Thursday still falling in May, all of the opponents of the war in Iraq may have to eat their hats when they see how the mission has succeeded in exceeding one minimum measurement of success. Unfortunately, the milestone is total troops killed, and nobody is going to wear that medal around town.

Zheng Xiaoyu, former chief of China's food and drug safety organization, was sentenced to death for his role in the contaminated pet food public relations disaster that damaged the reputations of China's food and drug industries. Perhaps if President Bush had sent Paul Wolfowitz out the same way, the world would have more faith in new World Bank Presidential nominee Robert Zoellick.

Turkey, a nation with a clearly defined separation of religion and state, has entered unknown waters. The nation, which is 95 percent Muslim, has elected a Muslim President and Prime Minister. Educated elites and the military are adamantly opposed to the move, and new elections have been called for the Presidency. As a free piece of advice, the United States elected a deeply religious man who shared a common belief with much of the population. Take a look at how well that worked out for us.

Slate works on profiling the Republican's next generation flip-flopper Mitt Romney. If the fact that he's a Mormon isn't enough to get you to vote for somebody else, you can at least compare his wavering opinion of a multitude of issues to Giuliani's sordid pro-life/pro-choice stance. This creates my entry into the 2008 Republican Election Slogan contest (if there is in fact a contest and I didn't fabricate it out of thin air) :

The Republican Party 2008: We can't get any more crazy--can we?

Speaking of crazy, the Joseph McCarthy of international athletics Dick Pound advances his case for drug testing in the sport that needs it most--golf. It isn't certain what the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency expects to find, but if Vegas is taking bets, I'll put money on John Daly being the first to test positive based on his past life as the human beer keg.

Criminally good taste was displayed by a band of armed robbers in South Africa who were robbing grocery stores of all their money...and imported cheeses. The robbers would run through the store and grab expensive food, bathroom supplies and vitamins while robbing the registers at gun point. It is offensive that Rosie O'Donnell has to send out a death squad to do her grocery shopping while she recovers from the Elisabeth Hasselbeck hangover. Shame on her!