11 August 2007

Effortlessly Unbeatable

Go ahead, Tiger Woods. You just had to prove once again that you were better than everybody else and ruin my dreams of the Golfing Beer Keg John Daly taking the major. Rooting against Tiger is like cheering against inevitability. Picking the field against Woods in a major is like putting your money on the Washington Generals. The field in professional golf typically plays like the Generals. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Those looking for somebody to blame over economic problems tied to the latest batch of Wall Street woes would have problems connecting the two based upon the decentralized lending hub that makes up the domestic mortgage system. Accordingly, Americans should do what they've always done and focus their efforts blaming the boogie man, gremlins or Saddam Hussein.

The White House is intensifying the pressure on the illegal immigration issue, using 26 measures that strengthen the laws already in place. It's about time in my opinion. If our government can't keep foreigners like Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal out of America where they are stealing money from the honest native population, how else can we expect Andy Roddick to win a tennis major?

The NYTimes details a new highway in Israel that is segregated to keep Jews and Palestinians apart. There should be a similar proposal in the United States where the highway is partitioned to separate people who are driving on the highway from people who are using their cell phones, Blackberries and DVD players to connect to the world.

The Iraq War Czar Douglas Lute has a new plan for strengthening the forces in Iraq, and it's based upon an old, unpopular relic from past wars...the draft. The only people in this country that support a draft are the New York Knicks because having a few players shipped out to Iraq is the only way they could get rid of the dead weight that currently makes up their roster.

While the current Supreme Court has done everything in its power to crush Constitutional rights of ordinary citizens, the lower courts have done their damnedest to stick up for the little guy. It's about time somebody other than Ralph Nader and his reviews of the latest developments in microwave ovens supported the people of this country.

George Bush has been a President that deeply concerned about his historical legacy, and after all of the bad press that has been thrown his way, somebody has finally given credit where credit is due. The authoritarian president of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe cites the policy of espionage used by the Bush administration as the basis and the defense for the newest tool in the dictator's bag of tricks. Both Bush and Mugabe have authority to secretly authorize wiretaps and email surveillance. Being a model for Mugabe does for your legacy what Michael Richards gets backing your credibility at an NAACP convention.

The news day concludes with a woman from Virginia who sold a chunk of her driveway with a smeared patch of sealant colored like the face of Jesus Christ on eBay for $1,800. This is only one of many examples of eBay generating big money for religious icons. The previous examples included spirituality in the form of Funyuns and grilled cheese. If anybody is interested, I just took a dump that is shaped like Goliath's head after David hit him with the rock, and you can bid on it in the comments section.

1 comment:

Duane said...

tell you what: I picked a booger that looks just like Ganesha. If you trade the turd for it, I'll throw in a coffee stain that resembles Benjamin Franklin, no extra charge.