10 August 2007

Crown John Daley's Ass

I was hoping that I could lead off today with the story of John Daly on top of the pack at the PGA Championship, but trained doofus Scott Verplank had to shoot 4 under to take a one stroke lead over the neatly chiseled specimen pictured above (as of press time). Nothing screams athlete like the Hooter's logo stretched over your man breast. What was Daly's secret to success in the oppressive heat? He recommends caffeine, cigarettes and a training regimen that involves slot machine gambling. Everybody roots for Daly because he makes the common man believe that no matter how much drinking, smoking, eating and lounging we do, we might be good enough at something to be crowned champion.

The stock market is rapidly turning to mush, with the credit issues in the United States causing economic unrest in Europe. Sounds like it's time to invest in Matthew Lesko's free government money plan before your stock portfolio turns to worthless paper.

After an angry rebuke from Washington, Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf canceled his plan to declare a state of emergency in his country. Maybe somebody should explain to them the lesson learned by most children at some point or another: pretending something isn't there doesn't make it go away.

Salon details the lengths it is possible for the executive office to go in espionage efforts after Congress allowed the secretive spying to continue. Maybe you aren't so paranoid, schizoid...they really ARE watching you.

Slate continues the bad press for America's mayor, going over Giuliani's shortsighted plan for health care that benefits the diabolical insurance industry more than the American people who don't own the Blue Cross/Blue Shield corporation. Bad press this election has correlated strongly with successful Republican fundraising, meaning that after this past week, Rudy should be in front by a county mile. Just check my columns for the past week. Giuliani fictionalizes his experience with terrorism. His daughter is voting for Obama. Fred Thompson is going to have to start calling Giuliani "Daddy Warbucks" if Right Said Fred doesn't start hitting Mariska Hargitay up for some campaign contributions soon.

Speaking of bad press, Google is trying out a new feature that will allow subjects of news reports to write a reply to the coverage. Hopefully the public relations minions from Barry Bonds and Alberto Gonzales' camps don't catch wind of these developments. The landslide of complaining could deluge the Web.

According to a recent study, increased cigarette taxes have decreased smoking. In other news, I drive less because gas is more expensive and I don't spend all day in strip clubs because I actually have to pay money to be there.

According to a recent survey by Mayor Daley, there are only 24 homeless people living in Downtown Chicago. Apparently the last time I was on Ohio Street, the entire homeless population asked me for money, or a few others enjoyed the opportunities available in the Loop and commuted on the train from Des Plaines.

In closing (and also related to Chicago), Coors is planning to continue the ad campaign that features stupid clips of football coaches talking with the Coors Light crew with material from former Cardinals coach Dennis Green and his famous meltdown.

Stupid Guy: Coach, we had a six pack of widemouth Coors Light cans in the cooler, but my buddies drank them all.

Coach Green: We had them on the hook, and we let them get away!

Stupid Guy 2: Is Coors Light the best beer of all time?

Coach Green: If you want to crown them, just crown their ass!


No comments: