News You Can Lose

Tony LaRussa probably wishes the police had left him in jail after getting swept by the Mets in his season opening series. You probably wish I had been put in jail after break, but unlike LaRussa, even the Man (or the Mets) can't keep me down.

The superstar story of the last week has been the 15 sailors taken hostage by Iran. Recently, they were released. Iran realized if they were going to torture and kill anybody's military, these choices would be limited to the United States and France based upon evidence that both countries are full of people who are easy to hate.

The news behind the news points to mounting evidence that the U.S. is waging soldier-for-hire war with Iran while they also might be responsible for the British sailors being captured in Iran. If you are going to lose, you might as well lose big, and a war with Shi'ite Islam might be the next great step. I guess the quickest way out of Iraq might be straight through Iran.

In order to make sure the entire Middle East burns to the ground so that it can be built again from scratch, the U.S. is planning to arm Saudi Arabia and other "allies" against the newly-minted Axis of Evil opponent Iran. Israel is fighting this move. My suggestion would be move the Western Wall to China and move back after Bush is finished with his master plan.

On the domestic front, Barack Obama is rolling in the Benjamins since he has raised $25 million in campaign funds. My suggestion would be to spend it on ads to air during "American Idol" and then announce run away favorite Sanjaya as your Vice Presidential candidate before Hildo and Eddie the Ambulance Chaser get any ideas.

Murder and mayhem return to HBO next week when the Sopranos return to New Jersey. The show will wrap up. Afterward, the big question will not be what loose ends weren't wrapped up but where will any actors from New Jersey whose names end in a vowel ever find work again?

Media matters include the best news coming out of Indonesia. Playboy editor Erwin Arnada was cleared of indecency charges today. At least one can be confident that they can buy smut over the counter before the death squad executes them.

Of course, the favorite media darling is the story of freed journalist/blogger/anarchist/activist/independent media icon Josh Wolf. Wolf was imprisoned for over seven months for refusing to turn over footage of a G8 summit protest in San Francisco. His status is a hot potato topic that courts and journalists are all too happy to avoid defining. The future of media will either be a Constitutionally protected mass media collective or a Constitutionally protected all-inclusive collective of information. Stay tuned.

Billionaire Howard Zell bought the Tribune Company. Finally, somebody with billions of dollars can buy my team, spend money on them and lead them to glory in a way that a "gum company and a media conglomerate" (according to Mr. Downey) could not.

In real sports, former wide receiver Darryl Stingley died early this morning in Evanston, Illinois. The 55-year old was paralyzed by a devastating hit in a pre-season football game by Jack Tatum. This event was credited with changing the way football is played, although it certainly had no impact on the Cleveland Browns actually winning Super Bowls before or after the fact.

Billy Donovan put the Gator chomp on Kentucky today when he announced he is staying at Florida as head basketball coach. As long as he doesn't start coaching football, baseball, cricket, rugby or hockey, I'm sure Ohio State will have a shot at winning a championship in something over the next few years.

Barry Bonds is still hitting home runs. This is good for my fantasy team, but bad for everything else baseball related.

Finally, check out the Onion's article on David Ortiz and Jackie Robinson. Hilarious! He doesn't get it like Griffey.

The arts and odds and ends bring up the rear. Keith Richards is adamant that he did not snort his father. Dad will qualify as the only powder Richards didn't put up his beak.

Finally, I guarantee that if you get arrested for drunk driving, you do not A). want to be a municipal official, B). be in a bikini, and C). be a man.