Sue Like a Real American

When it rains on the Hogan family, it pours on the Hogan family! First his son gets in trouble, and now Mrs. Hogan (actually Linda Bollea) is filing for divorce from Hulk Hogan, asking for massive alimony and real estate settlements from the troubled entertainer. Who knows how it's going to shake out, but I'm guessing that season 5 of "Hogan Knows Best" should be a doozy.

President Musharraf is now former-General Musharraf. Many doubted that he would step down from the position in order to begin civilian rule. Now he has to try and work his way through the unrest in his country and the crisis of leadership that is brewing in his nation. It's too bad American citizens will be unable to reap the benefits of having their chief executive relinquish his role as military commander anytime soon.

Bad news continues for Blackwater in Iraq with the newest lawsuit accusing the hired goons of being hopped up on Chris Benoit levels of steroids. I wonder if they are being sued by Mrs. Hogan's lawyers.

Slate continues to slather the Web with multimedia election projects including a candidate map related to campaigning, rating previous candidate experience (both claimed and actual), interactive and constantly updated polls by state and country, candidates by cartoon coverage, an index of candidates separated by political futures values, candidates by cartoon, and the one-stop shop election scorecard that features any number of articles, videos and other random election element that will fill your 2008 election jones. It's only 341 days until you get to pick Bush II's replacement...much like Santa Claus, it's getting closer every minute.

Even though Fox News is reporting that recent developments have closed the door on fetal stem cell research, the jury is still out on that one. Who ever knew the Fair and Balanced Express would take a biased approach to news reporting?

Finally, in technology news, Microsoft Vista performance sucks compared to a service pack upgraded version of Windows XP. As reported many times before in this blog: Microsoft Vista is not good.

Tackling the News

You had to be outside of the loop to miss the story of the death of Redskins safety Sean Taylor. The gifted athlete never found himself far from trouble early in his career, but recent reports saw Taylor staying on the straight and narrow. This is a tragic event. I looked for some insight from the medical community, and I discovered that the 7-hour surgery might have been an effort to keep Taylor's leg intact rather than amputating his limb. This would be one more complicated detail in a life beset by bad decisions if it were in fact true. I wish everybody involved nothing but the best...hopefully, Taylor was able to outrun his life problems one last time.

If at first (in the Middle East) you don't succeed, try, try again. Following on the heels of the rolicking success story that is Iraq, President Bush has jumped with both feet into the eternal quandary that is peace in Israel. Never mind that he has ignored peace in Israel for the entire tenure of his Presidency...Bush really needed to try and start an endeavor with less chance of success than democracy in Mesopotamia.

Pakistan is back at the forefront of the battle between U.S. interests and the evangelical distribution of democracy. Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is openly critical of the American-backed leader Pervez Musharraf, and his opposition is throwing a monkey wrench into another experiment in democracy that is going horribly awry for American interests. America always supports democracy...as long as democracy always supports American interests. Elsewise, Bush will mail Sharif back to whatever Saudi Arabian hole he crawled out from to deliver his rebuke of our party-line towing General Musharraf.

If you've been trying to sell your house, chances are you don't need a Wall Street analyst to tell you that the economy might be headed into a recession. Definitely don't bet your home against that one.

Those who don't believe that FCC regulation has screwed up the broadcast airwaves will be happy to learn that they are trying to backdoor their way into legislating cable television. Just keep your grubby mitts off of my HBO programming and I'll leave you be (for now).

Finally, in news of the what the f%#@!, a British teacher in the Sudan is being held for allegedly insulting Islam by naming a teddy bear in her classroom after the prophet Mohammed. This egregious act was considered slightly more insulting than the fictional act of a Chicago teacher whose class named a stuffed animal "Bartman the Bear" and equally insulting as a Romanian teacher naming a stuffed animal "Ceausescu the Bear."

An Army of One

The Marines are suggesting that they should withdraw from Iraq and concentrate their efforts on Afghanistan while the Army remains in charge in Baghdad. Iraq is such a crappy place to be, the leathernecks would rather be hanging out in Afghanistan under U.N. command than stay in Mesopotamia. That's unreal.

The Washington Post detailed the White House's desire to target companies who employ illegal immigrants, and explained why the courts nixed that decision. It's good to see somebody in the other two branches of government actually CHECKING the power of the Executive branch for the first time in a long time.

The House resolution to recognize the genocide of the Armenians by the Turks during World War I has ruffled some feathers in the Turkish government. Now that the U.S. is nearly the last country on board regarding the state-sponsored campaign of murder that darkens Turkey's past, apparently Turkey will be the last to recognize the error of its (past) ways.

The general public might draw the conclusion that the media are prejudiced based upon Ann Coulter calling Christianity "perfected Judaism" and Fox News radio host John Gibson identifying the Cleveland school shooter as white based upon the premise, "I knew it as soon as he shot himself. Hip-hoppers don't do that. They shoot and move on to shoot again." It's too bad that purported news outlets would give these simpletons a soapbox to stand on, but you should expect nothing less than a quality product from Bill Gates and Rupert Murdoch's operations.

Finally, the crazy story of the day has to be the New York pizza shop owner who is accused of manufacturing counterfeit money behind the pizza oven. I'll take a large pizza with green peppers, mushrooms and convincing counterfeit $100 bills (for research purposes only, of course).

Big Hair and Big Spending

It's difficult to disagree with a face like that, with or without the Wall of Sound. The Phil Specter murder case in California was declared a mistrial due to a deadlocked jury, proving that if you are planning on shooting somebody, you should at least have the common sense to drag them into California before you kill them so you can guarantee a victory no matter the evidence. A California jury would probably have trouble reaching a decision on whether to bench Rex Grossman based upon a lack of evidence.

Robert Gates is asking Congress for more money to fight the war on terror, bringing to $190 billion this year's grand total of money spent that is helping the American people as much as it would if it was thrown in a pit and burned to ashes. At least if we threw billions of dollars in a hole and torched it, it could lower the heating bills for people in Minnesota and Alaska during the winter.

Speaking of Iraq and a change in regime, the top 3 Democratic candidates would not guarantee a troop withdrawal during their first term in office in the latest debate, doing little to distance themselves from the G.O.P. candidates. Hillary Clinton appeared to be the consensus victor of the debate. America again appears to be the loser.

The cause du jour involves the violent crackdown on protesters of the junta in Myanmar, which included the killing of monks, a Japanese photographer and even a stiff rebuke from China. If Bush could find Myanmar on a map, he'd probably invade and promote sectarian violence.

Mike Vick just can't stay out of trouble. His sincere apology followed his conviction on heinous charges, but even his mea culpa may be too little, too late after news of his positive drug test hit the news wire. Add common sense to the laundry list of things Vick hasn't tried in his approach to redemption.

USA Today has detailed the brilliant business model of the Huffington Post--don't bother to pay your high-profile bloggers. All right! The 17 cents I make on advertising trumps the money that Bill Maher generates blogging. Score one for the team.

Finally, good news comes out the dining scene on the heels of my tenacious reports on poor Grant Achatz's health developments. In all seriousness, best wishes again to a titan of fine dining.

Three Yards and a Cloud of Trust

If politics were John Madden Football, Bush just asked Madden, and Madden called executive privilege. There is no way he called that play on his own.

To continue the football metaphors, it now appears that the offensive line is off the field and Bush is running the Iraq policy unprotected. That doesn't differ greatly from the support Bush is giving the troops in Iraq who yesterday were profiled traveling four precarious miles to get to a memorial for a fallen soldier who they had served alongside. With this kind of support, it won't be long before somebody sacks the Quarterback-in-Chief.

A Congressional report released today states that the White House failure to fill posts at the Department of Homeland Security leaves the nation vulnerable to terrorist threats and disaster. Homeland Security and FEMA did so well in New Orleans, it's hard to imagine their performance in a less prepared situation.

Mother Jones is calling the Impeach Cheney-mania a little overblown. The high crimes and misdemeanors might be a high bar to clear. The public doesn't care whether he'll be impeached. They just want to see somebody twist in the wind.

Tunnels are being dug near a nuclear facility in Iran, and people are getting a little nervous. Their president swears the developments are for peaceful energy. It is hard to believe Mahmoud Ahmadinejad about peaceful energy after his call to have Israel wiped off the map.

The Red Mosque siege is expected to see negotiations start Monday. Pervez Musharraf can impress the militants by showing them the promising first half of a report on foreign investment in Pakistan by the Christian Science Monitor. Just don't show them the catastrophic effects the investments are having on the poor in the second part of the article.

Iowa has caught up with the rest of the country and they are ready for the election to move the election up to tomorrow. I am currently listening to the sounds of the world's smallest violin playing just for the residents of Iowa and New Hampshire.

Anybody who criticizes the pile of projects that make up the Google corporation obviously has never discovered a new class of Chinese nuclear sub with expanded ballistic missile capabilities on Google Earth. I also lost the cap off my flash drive at Alden Library last weekend. If somebody sees it on Google Earth, give me a call.

Media news involves Congress possibly creating a fairness doctrine for the conservative talk-heavy radio waves. It might be a good business move. I'd listen to Rush Limbaugh if it was a Hannity and Colmes setup with Rush and Al Franken. Since radio has no interest in what I want, I listen to satellite.

In reaction to the billion dollar Xbox 360 recall, Playstation has dropped the price of its systems $100 each in order to hit Microsoft while they're down. The only thing working against them is that you still will need to take out a home equity loan to afford the games and the newly-discounted system.

Finally, the 11-year old girl charged with drunk driving qualifies her as somebody whose parents should have bought her a discounted Playstation to kill time.I put my vote in for the Not the Parent of the Year Award.

King Arthur Might Need Those Knights

The United Kingdom is under siege. The terror alert is at its highest level. The knights such as Lancelot and Elton John may be dispatched if anybody else so much as moves. Since the car bomb/flaming SUV attack, another car has been blown up in a controlled explosion as a security measure in Glasgow. The United States offered support by saying to the British: We told you so. This confirms the hypothesis that hindsight is always 20/20, but doesn't help to explain why our all-knowing intelligence didn't make a bigger deal out of the plot.

One of the top stories in the Washington Post explains the tension in the relationship between George Bush and Vladimir Putin. One of the major problems between the two men stems from the fact that Putin believes that his dog trumps Bush's lapdog Barney. The relations might warm if Bush adopted a few of Mike Vick's pit bulls and went to Moscow to kick Vlad Putin and his labrador's ass.

Mother Russia unleashed a torrent of unemployed scientists after the collapse of the Soviet Union. The U.S. is harnessing that potential by using a former Soviet germ warfare expert to shape bioterrorism policy. I get a warm feeling inside when I realize that my tax money is paying a guy who used to have the job of figuring out how to modify smallpox genetically in order to achieve the maximum killing potential.

America is trying to control another kind of questionable import--Chinese goods. Tainted goods from China illustrate how interconnected China is with the rest of the world, from the pet food deaths of a few months ago to more than 100 deaths due to counterfeit Chinese glycerine in Panama. I control this another way--I make sure all of the soy sauce and Chinese style mustard I buy is made in Cincinnati.

Glenn Greenwald blogs about the disturbing media trend of taking military reports at face value. The example he gives was picked up worldwide. The military killed 17 civilians and buried the story by identifying the slain as Al-Qaeda operatives when they were in fact 17 citizens caught in the crossfire. Apparently the only battle that the military is coming out on top of is the public relations war with the (alleged watchdog) media.

The L.A. Times previews the new sports black market must-have item: Cuban baseball players. A sports agent was busted for this activity recently, but if he can send a Cuban starting pitcher and outfielder to the Cubs, I think he should be released on time served.

Wimbledon is half over, and Sports Illustrated is issuing grades. Anybody who isn't betting Roger Federer gets an F in my book.

The Associated Press covers the disturbing trend of professional wrestlers dying young. It seems unbelievable that people would die young in an activity where they take steroids, break people's necks, slam people through tables, cut each other with barbed wire and thumb tacks, and hit each other over the head with steel chairs. But if the Associated Press says it's so, it must be so.

Oh Give Me a Home

Fantasy is a wonderful thing when it nets paintings of the cowboy President in full repose. The wild west war on terrorism news includes Congress setting a deadline for Iraq withdrawl (which will be vetoed), the U.N. accusing Iraq of downplaying death counts, the U.S. charging a detainee in Guantanamo who was arrested at the age of 15 (which should make his trial interesting as the government is suggesting these detainees have too many lawyers), an officer being charged with aiding the enemy in Iraq and the only source for information from the Middle East The Onion saying the story about the region was blah blah blah flap flap flap. At least the President has time to cut a rug.


Oh how the noose is tightening for poor Alberto Gonzales. When it rains it pours, Bertie. Don't pout...the Dow closed above 13,000 last night, so the market should be clamoring for people with your experience.

On the world is coming to an end front, scientists have preliminarily identified a fungus that may be causing bee populations to wane dramatically this year. The death of bees would be the end of pollination, and eventually the end of anything that survived from plant products. If they eliminate bees with said fungus, it will be bad for my long term prospects but comforting on my lifelong phobia of stinging insects.

Media and entertainment ranked as the two most untrustworthy careers in a recent survey. Entertainment journalists returned to their evil lairs to lurk out and plan potential catastrophes on the population that painted them into this corner.

At&t is offering the entire Coachella concert on a Web access dealie-o. If I was sitting in front of a computer with nothing better to do (which I seldom am), I'd be in!

Finally, I will give you three nouns, and you will follow the link to the connector: a drunk German, a horse and an ATM.

Cooking Up a Funky Slab of Soul with Bronson Arroyo

O Bronson, my Bronson. My fantasy team will be dead if you don't start pitching and stop rocking out. Write that down and take it to heart.

Everybody is marveling at the perfunctory sophistry displayed by everybody's favorite decider, George W. Bush. Watch him try and tap dance his way out of this interaction in Tipp City, Ohio (the first two minutes are icing, the last three are the cupcake).



At least Alberto Gonzales has found a supporter. Senator Orrin Hatch, J.D. is in the corner of the embroiled Attorney General. When you hear the words "you and Orrin Hatch against everybody else," it typically is not a comforting thought in a street fight or in Congressional testimony. Hatch also might be auditioning for Alberto's job when he hits the unemployment line later this month, waffling between supporting Gonzo and calling the situation with Bert Gonzales "poorly handled." That's a ringing endorsement.

People have produced plays from the texts of Virginia Tech mass murderer Cho Seung-Hui and posted them on YouTube according to an NY-Times article. Going on a killing spree in order to get your work noticed is probably giving Dustin Diamond bad ideas.

Slate goes over the media debate as to what to call World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz's lady love (that's my misogynistic addition to the Web lexicon) Shaha Ali Riza. Girlfriend? Companion? Friend with Benefits? Don Imus would probably call her a ho if they would let him within 50 feet of a microphone.

With the NFL draft fast approaching, the story that three players expected to be amongst the top 10 selections admitted to smoking marijuana in the past was top of the box in headline grabbing. Pot smoking battering ram Ricky Williams is also in the news, with the Rams expressing interest in the sometimes gifted, sometimes spliff-ted running back who is returning from a chronic suspension this season. This league is starting to sound more like Bill Walton's NBA than Dan Marino's NFL. What other news would you expect on April 20?

Alex Rodriguez hits his 12th homer of the season. If he keeps it up at this rate, he should hit 200 home runs this season and make every New York sportswriter eat crow.

Basketball dominates the news now, with my Bulls limping in to face the searing Miami Heat. They are also praying for a miracle that would allow the Knicks to win the draft lottery. Since the Bulls own the Knicks' draft pick this year, picking up Greg Oden would give us a presence down low that would make Chicago a force to reckon with in the East. Unfortunately, it's the 2006-2007 season and not the 2007-2008 season, so the Bulls will have to claw and scratch their way through the playoffs. They'll be lucky to win in the first round, and something tells me Detroit will hurt them in round two.

Finally, check out the SportsCenter commercial entitled "Betrayal." It features David Ortiz from the Red Sox with Jorge Posada from the Yanks, and much hijinks doth ensue.

Why I Watch Fox News

There are many reasons to watch Fox News. They have the best ratings on cable, so you are only doing what everybody else is doing. Unlike other news outlets, they are fair AND balanced. They also have the No-Spin Zone with expert commentary from Bill O'Reilly, the fortuitous news fusion of Cicero and Aristotle who delivers the truth straight from the source.

Their best feature is Dr. Gregory Rutecki on the "Weekend Live" program as the resident expert on transplant ethics Sunday afternoon. The good doctor has been cited in previous posts (and he also might be a distant relative). Enjoy the all to brief video link below.

Greg on Fox News

News You Can Lose

Tony LaRussa probably wishes the police had left him in jail after getting swept by the Mets in his season opening series. You probably wish I had been put in jail after break, but unlike LaRussa, even the Man (or the Mets) can't keep me down.

The superstar story of the last week has been the 15 sailors taken hostage by Iran. Recently, they were released. Iran realized if they were going to torture and kill anybody's military, these choices would be limited to the United States and France based upon evidence that both countries are full of people who are easy to hate.

The news behind the news points to mounting evidence that the U.S. is waging soldier-for-hire war with Iran while they also might be responsible for the British sailors being captured in Iran. If you are going to lose, you might as well lose big, and a war with Shi'ite Islam might be the next great step. I guess the quickest way out of Iraq might be straight through Iran.

In order to make sure the entire Middle East burns to the ground so that it can be built again from scratch, the U.S. is planning to arm Saudi Arabia and other "allies" against the newly-minted Axis of Evil opponent Iran. Israel is fighting this move. My suggestion would be move the Western Wall to China and move back after Bush is finished with his master plan.

On the domestic front, Barack Obama is rolling in the Benjamins since he has raised $25 million in campaign funds. My suggestion would be to spend it on ads to air during "American Idol" and then announce run away favorite Sanjaya as your Vice Presidential candidate before Hildo and Eddie the Ambulance Chaser get any ideas.

Murder and mayhem return to HBO next week when the Sopranos return to New Jersey. The show will wrap up. Afterward, the big question will not be what loose ends weren't wrapped up but where will any actors from New Jersey whose names end in a vowel ever find work again?

Media matters include the best news coming out of Indonesia. Playboy editor Erwin Arnada was cleared of indecency charges today. At least one can be confident that they can buy smut over the counter before the death squad executes them.

Of course, the favorite media darling is the story of freed journalist/blogger/anarchist/activist/independent media icon Josh Wolf. Wolf was imprisoned for over seven months for refusing to turn over footage of a G8 summit protest in San Francisco. His status is a hot potato topic that courts and journalists are all too happy to avoid defining. The future of media will either be a Constitutionally protected mass media collective or a Constitutionally protected all-inclusive collective of information. Stay tuned.

Billionaire Howard Zell bought the Tribune Company. Finally, somebody with billions of dollars can buy my team, spend money on them and lead them to glory in a way that a "gum company and a media conglomerate" (according to Mr. Downey) could not.

In real sports, former wide receiver Darryl Stingley died early this morning in Evanston, Illinois. The 55-year old was paralyzed by a devastating hit in a pre-season football game by Jack Tatum. This event was credited with changing the way football is played, although it certainly had no impact on the Cleveland Browns actually winning Super Bowls before or after the fact.

Billy Donovan put the Gator chomp on Kentucky today when he announced he is staying at Florida as head basketball coach. As long as he doesn't start coaching football, baseball, cricket, rugby or hockey, I'm sure Ohio State will have a shot at winning a championship in something over the next few years.

Barry Bonds is still hitting home runs. This is good for my fantasy team, but bad for everything else baseball related.

Finally, check out the Onion's article on David Ortiz and Jackie Robinson. Hilarious! He doesn't get it like Griffey.

The arts and odds and ends bring up the rear. Keith Richards is adamant that he did not snort his father. Dad will qualify as the only powder Richards didn't put up his beak.

Finally, I guarantee that if you get arrested for drunk driving, you do not A). want to be a municipal official, B). be in a bikini, and C). be a man.

Mass Media, Descartes and Cleo

These are some odds and ends posts of media pictures in Chicago. In other posts I featured the Sun Times and Ebony and Jet magazines. This has WGN, the Tribune Building, NBC and a stunning Jack Brickhouse statue.

Breakfast was at the philosophically themed Descartes coffee, which had numerous vegan bakery items as well as a wide range of coffee and tea drinks.

Lunch was at a nondescript bar Cleos that had March Madness on. I ate stuffed mushrooms and a veggie burger with two cheeses, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes and lettuce while Ohio State put away Memphis.

Pictures are featured in the Picasa link below.

Descartes Media

Those Protest March Blues

Day one of the Chicago trip involved some interesting experiences. There was the original game plan. However, why follow a plan when you can just make it up as you go along?

The trip in was fantastic. No traffic pile ups made me a happy person. I checked into the Best Western Inn on Ohio and Michigan and enjoyed the quick and easy black bean and goat cheese burrito wrapped in spinach tortilla from the chain-tastic Burrito Beach.














On the way back to the hotel, I saw a protest marcher with an Anti-Bush sign. I remembered hearing about an anti-war protest on the Sirius radio Chicago traffic report. They said the march was starting on Michigan and...some street. My hotel happened to be on Michigan and...some street.

So what kind of journalist would I be if I didn't go down and film it while talking with the protesters and the police hoard? The march disrupted traffic on Michigan Avenue for an hour or so. I ran into one of my friends who was filming the march. The march was roughly three blocks long and very loud. The renegade sound system blasting Spearhead protest songs was especially nice. Enjoy the pictures and video in the Picasa link. The folder also contains pictures of my hotel and my Burrito Beach.

Protest

The protest was relatively unrestricted by the police. Media access was free and easy. Overall, the city of Chicago gets an arbitrary rating of seven for overall demonstration freedom, with points deducted for the overwhelming police presence.

From the protest, I met up with Mike and Krysta. I got them horribly lost on the way to the off-the-map club the Hideout. This joint hosts some fantastic jazz improv, indie rock and blues shows. Tonight I went to see David "Honeyboy" Edwards play with Devil in a Woodpile.

Edwards is a 91-year-old Delta bluesman transplanted to Chicago. He has played with Robert Johnson and Big Walter Horton. His accompanying band consisted of an upright bass and a washboard alongside rhythm guitar and harmonica, and it doesn't really get any more authentic than those instruments, does it?

The venue is small and the sight lines are awful. They offer the standards on drinks plus a few other odds and ends like a rye whisky old fashioned called the Wooden Leg and Goose and Stella Artois on tap. The video clips are mostly unclear, but they should give you some idea how the show was.

Hideout

After nursing a sweet hangover, Eppy's Deli made breakfast. Orange juice washed down a whole wheat bagel with veggie cream cheese. Eppy's offers bagel sandwiches like the portobello sandwich in order to keep vegetarians in mind. 24 hours down and I have zero complaints.

Breakfast1

Another day, another dollar

As the great philosopher Gene Autry once sang, "I'm back in the saddle again."

The really important international top story is the newly minted confession by 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (who looks like a haggard "Time to Make the Donuts" guy Fred the Baker from the Dunkin Donuts commercials). He also claimed responsibility for bombings in a number of other countries, including Bali and Britain. After six years of questionable interrogation techniques and illegal incarceration, at least the U.S. will get a chance to show Iraq how to properly handle a high profile execution (if there is in fact a way to properly handle any execution).

On a more serious note, he also claimed responsibility for the execution of journalist Daniel Pearl, a Jewish American reporter for the Wall Street Journal. This is a tremendously sad event.It is so depressing that instead of making a joke about it, I will type in a moment of silence.








My good friend Tom Hemsley has been urging me to get focused on the Alberto Gonzales/federal attorney fiasco. He sees it as a cheap, partisan shill. I find that hard to believe. What kind of fool would buy into a low blow allegation like that? Well, for starters, the Nation magazine does. They call this the biggest scandal to plague the Attorney General since the 1920s. Another blog at The Nation identifies the Gonzales issue and Walter Reed as another in a long line of miserable failures by a misguided leader. A CBS interview profiles a terminated Democratic U.S. Attorney who claims he was given no reason for termination after prosecuting a person trying to start an al Qaeda training camp in Oregon as well as the Millenium bomber. Okay, maybe it was a cheap, partisan shill. How was I to know? Now I do.

The New York Times is reporting that progress in Iraq is lagging behind initial goals set by President Bush. These are the same pessimists who are still denying that the mission has in fact been accomplished.

On the front of the ever growing hoard that also doesn't believe the mission has been accomplished is Alabama teenager Ava, who makes professional quality anti-war video clips out of her bedroom. Her Web site has been receiving more and more hits. It is a terrible thing when a 16 year old can figure something out that the President can't.

But at least the war on terror is still going strong. Finally, the Justice Department is taking a bite out of that Miss Chiquita Banana hooker and her terrorist militia ties in Columbia. When nothing else is working, at least you can fall back on the war on terror.

With everything else going so smoothly in Washington, it is also difficult to fathom dozens in the G.O.P turning away from the No Child Left Behind/No Child Moves Forward education plan. House Minority Whip Roy Blunt and as well as Representatives John Cornyn and Eric Cantor (all Republicans) are all jumping off the ship. It appears that in the near future, George Bush will be the only child being left behind.

Federal attorneys who weren't fired recently have taken up prosecution of Angel Raich, a patient with scoliosis, a brain tumor, chronic nausea and other ailments that uses medical marijuana to treat her illnesses. If the war on terror isn't working, you can always go back to the ever successful war on drugs.

Or maybe you can't. According to a National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse report, frequent binge drinking and abuse of prescription drugs is up at college campuses. I'm not a doctor, but as a professional student, it would be pretty easy to blame unsafe behavior on taking the edge off the cost of college. But what do I know?

In other health news, the L.A. Times covered two cases of Chagas disease being transmitted in Los Angeles by blood transfusions. I worked on a project at a medical school with a researcher who was studying Chagas disease, an illness passed by an insect known as the kissing bug throughout Latin America. The disease causes flu-like symptoms at first, which subside and are then followed by severe organ failure as much as 20 years later, and it can be transmitted through blood transfusions. The illness is becoming more common in the United States with its increasing Latino population. Many, but not all blood banks check for Chagas disease. Ding ding ding...U.S. Government, it's your turn to take over.

In media issues, the same L.A. Times has come under fire because two reporters successfully nominated themselves for a Pulitzer Prize. Each newspaper is limited to three nominations, and some feel that this process by the Times was unethical. Everybody, that is, except for the guys who got nominated.

Sports will become all college basketball all the time with March Madness now. I always need an excuse to sit in my apartment in my underwear drinking beer and screaming at the top of my lungs. This is the kind of activity that fills my time card this time of year. So, ladies, if that's the kind of trait you look for in a man, I'll be at the apartment drinking in my underwear until 4:30. Then I have to step out and turn in a paper. I'll be back in my boxers at six. Just knock on the door...pants are optional.

In the ever-growing growth hormone problem, center fielder Gary Matthews, Jr. finally denied using HGH. This advice evidently came from his lawyer, O.J. Simpson murder trial attorney Robert Shapiro. Hopefully Shapiro can explain how Matthews' batting average went from .255 to .313 in one season in addition to his amazing spike in power. It was probably something in the water.

Also in MLB news, Pete Rose admitted to betting on the Reds every night when he managed for them. ESPN Sports Center determined that he would have lost money doing that. All I know is that I bet that admission won't help him get in the Hall of Fame. I'll keep making that bet every night, and I'll keep winning.

Mark Prior is continuing his meteoric decent into mediocrity, taking a dive to the minor leagues.

Prior's injuries were previously mocked by the Chicago Tribune in a column called "Prior Watch" that detailed every minute of his injury updates every day in print. He was the second player drafted when he was selected by the Cubs. Now he is being mocked by a guy with a bag on his head in a White Sox jersey. Oh how the mighty have fallen!

The NFL is expected to agree with the Players Association on a new automatic one year suspension for criminal behavior. It will be called the Pacman Jones/ Chris Henry/ Tank Johnson rule.

Finally, this scandal is so big that it could probably eat half a ton of edamame and soba noodles and come back for seconds. A Japanese muckraking publication is saying that Sumo wrestling is fake, and participants are denying the charges vehemently. I always wondered how Yokozuna made the easy transition to the World Wrestling Federation. Now at least I know.

This bit will wrap up with the crazy news department. Back to issues of HGH, but this time by an American icon, Sylvester Stallone has been charged with importing 48 vials of human growth hormone into Australia. It was obvious from the beginning that only heavy drug use could have caused somebody to be so delusional that they would make the movie "Rocky 7."

Another great topic in the Cleveland Scene is the article about Amish girls getting wasted. As a person who sold piles of liquor and beer to Amish guys whose secular buddies brought them to the liquour store in a van, let me be the first to tell you, "Na Zdrowie."

Finally, a new record may have been set for the best (or worst) criminal of all-time. A 13 year old Nelsonville, Ohio boy has been charged with 128 felonies, including burglary, theft, vandalism and witness intimidation. This may be the final proof needed to ascertain that some of the children have, in fact, been left behind.

Unfortunately, this may be the last political rant for a few days as the operation is moving on to sunnier spring break pastures.

The daily news in 750 words or so

Today's news seemed to sway towards entertainment and sports more so than towards matters that actually affect people. It was that or my attention just picked up on these stories. This might have had something to do with my rush to judgment in the O.J. Mayo arrest. It might have been Greg Oden's announcement that he might stay for one more year (although he still won't graduate from Ohio State). It might have been the blurry head I woke up with this morning. However, this is the lineup of what's going on today.

In front page news, President Bush continued his persona non grata tour of Latin America, meeting with Mexican President Felipe Calderon. Probably the best part of this article, besides the "Could I throw this pinche gringo over this ledge and get away with it?" look on Calderon's face, is the contrast of the headline "Answering Latin Left, Bush Pledges to Help Poor," with the photograph caption that begins " President Bush and President Felipe Calderón of Mexico met for three hours at a luxury hotel." My first suggestion would have been to have the meeting in the Hotel Prim, which according to Expedia, is a steal at $43 per night. But you can't win them all.

Suicide bombers in Pakistan have started to focus attacks on civilian targets as well as military targets according to a New York Times report. President Musharraf refers to the increased attacks as a Talibanization. Whether this is true or not, this would definitely make a great title for Justin Timberlake's next album.

Also, after using Expedia to get hotel rates in Mexico, I can tell you without a doubt that Mexico is a far better vacation destination than Afghanistan. The best hotel rate I could get in Afghanistan was a double room with satellite television for $175 per night. The only real benefit to the vacation is the fantastic exchange rate between the dollar and the afghani. However, the margaritas are far more difficult to find in Kabul than they are in Ciudad de Mexico. At least the opium is plentiful.

As a trifecta from the Times, the civil rights group Council on American-Islamic relations has come under scrutiny for purported links to Hamas and Hezbollah. Yes, America--fighting terrorism one civil rights activist at a time!

On the health front, USA Today cited research that states that cancer rates will swell 55 percent by the year 2020, and that the increase in oncologists will not be able to keep up with the demand. This comes on top of a previous New York Times report that predicted a similar shortage in geriatric practitioners based upon the aging population. One Dr. Gregory Rutecki performed clinical research on this topic and correlated career choice with controllable lifestyle, suggesting the trend will continue. This is all the more reason for me to keep drinking and practicing irresponsible sexual behaviors--so I can beat cancer and the shortage of old people doctors in the future!

At least the Onion has the right advice for the Hillary Clinton Presidential campaign.

Domestic news stories are slightly less depressing, but equally noteworthy. New Yorkers are outraged by some maniac who beat up a 101 year old woman and robbed her in front of a surveillance camera. I haven't seen New Yorkers this upset since the Red Sox came back from an 0-3 hole to beat the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS.

On a lighter note, Colorado state legislators are fighting a battle to get John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" declared the state song. Opponents believe the "High" is a drug high, while Sen. Bob Hagedorn believes it refers to endorphins. Hagedorn is a Democrat from suburban Denver, a city that decriminalized marijuana in 2005. Whether the song is about being high off pot or life, it is certain that the majority of the population of Boulder is still high off one of the two from the last John Denver concert in the late 1990s.

Now it's on to depressing sports news. The New York Times features a story about dementia amongst former football players. The increasing problem has united wives of the players who often need assisted living that can sometimes be tough to come by with the fickle nature of the NFL retirement plan.

The problem of not remembering who a player played his football with is more common than one would guess. Michael Irvin did so much coke he can't remember if he belongs in the Hall of Fame or not. Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson used drugs on the sidelines. Steve McMichael and Dan Hampton were so drunk when the Bears were so drunk in 1985 that they probably barely remember winning the Super Bowl. Luckily, their retirement plans will allow them to keep living this way, while older generation superstars who can't remember their past are trying to figure out the future.

In cheery, happy sports news, the Chicago Bulls out-Irished the Celtics 95-87 last night. Tyrus Thomas was decked out in St. Patrick's day garb which may or may not have helped him drop 23 on the hapless team named after the Irish.

In the category of everything else interesting, Slate featured an article that suggested NCAA bracketology as being the preferred method for people to create their own "Best of" lists. Using this methodology, one can easily determine that Rush Limbaugh is the world's worst pundit, defeating Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter in the Final Four.

In the meat is bad/organic and fair trade is good department, a Times editorial criticizes treatment of animals as food while a Christian Science Monitor article cites fair trade and organic food as a growing market in Britain. Hooray on both fronts!

Arts news allows me to continue being an a%$hole. Social scientific research using factor analysis has identified music choice as an indicator of personality type. Despite the questionable value of factor analysis in certain situations (i.e. psychological research on deeply rooted cultural phenomena like music), the article led me to some interesting conclusions. Mainly, my conclusions are that people who listen to Fall Out Boy are emotionally shallow, intellectually deprived suburbanites, people who listen to Fergie are easily fooled by slight of hand tricks and that people who listen to Justin Timberlake are extremely stupid, American or both.

I don't know what that says about the codgers who were treated to a one song Who concert in Tampa last night. Maybe they won't be fooled again. I don't know what this says about my generation. I guess the kids weren't all right.

Who said what about whom?

On my daily news sojourn, I end up checking out half a billion sites so that I seem half informed while discussing whatever idiosyncratic anomaly is causing the e-mail boxes of America's net-izens to shoot messages back and forth. Today was a tremendous day for news.

The newest Washington scandal involves White House ordering Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to terminate eight federal prosecutors who were not actively pursuing voter fraud cases. This was one of many charges levied behind the scenes at the White House. It's good to see the Bush White House get serious about voter fraud in his final term. Better late than never.

This comes on top of a number of reports that have begun to identify combat veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan as returning with a noticeable mental health problems. The ratio of troops returning with mental health problems is as high as one out of three. Well, at least they can receive treatment at Walter Reed. Err, I mean...

On top of all the other positive vibes emanating from the armed forces comes this little nugget. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Peter Pace has called homosexuality "immoral" in a Chicago Tribune interview. This is obviously going to be an enormous setback in my campaign to help Andy Dick by allowing a military experience to help him maintain a little discipline.

In international news, the Sudan is still a mess. Now, not only are government troops a problem. Now the rebels are causing problems. Both SLA and janjaweed troops are gunning down aid workers. Mark Sudan down as a fantastic place for a reporter to make their career, and an equally fantastic place to dodge gun fire.

Media reports were blowing up all over the place. The big money story involves Viacom filing suit against YouTube and Google for $1 billion. Viacom wants compensation for what it claims are over 160,000 unauthorized clips posted on the video sharing site YouTube. If you would have asked me two years ago to put a cash value on Carlos Mencia and My Super Sweet 16, I would have offered you all of the change in my pocket and the red pepper hummus in my refrigerator. But what do I know?

Although this isn't news per se, it is a fantastic journalistic tool. The Project for Excellence in Journalism's News Coverage Index is a large project that analyzes 48 or more news sources in order to paint a picture of what the American media are covering in a given week. This week, Scooter Libby is the big topic, followed by the 2008 election and Iraq. The index breaks down different media separately. They also do a talk show index in case you want to know what Papa Bear O'Reilly has to say. This is an excellent resource and it is well worth checking out.

In freedom of information news, the state of Texas is expected to file more than 400 bills that involve freedom of information issues. These bills are expected to remove documents that are currently available from a Freedom of Information request from public access. I expect all of the journalists in Texas, the major legal defense groups in the field and all of the hippies in Austin to battle this one out.

In the list of hirings and firings, ESPN has hired NFL Hall of Fame Running Back and Dancing With the Stars champion Emmitt Smith as a network analyst. Smith is replacing former teammate, loose cannon and jailbird Michael Irvin. Way to be a team player Smitty!

Where Emmitt Smith goes, Sports are sure to follow. The Pittsburgh Penguins will keep playing in Pittsburgh according to a report in the Post-Gazette. This should be extremely good news to both National Hockey League fans in the city.

Again, however, college basketball is the story of the day. Instead of being stories about impressive athletic performances, however, today's stories focus on overwhelming failures. The New York Times profiled suspended Gonzaga power forward Josh Heytvelt, a sophomore who was arrested with an ounce of psychedelic mushrooms earlier this season. I always thought Adam Morrison looked stoned with that ridiculous mustache. However, it is fairly obvious in most instances that the only way to watch West Coast Conference basketball is with an ounce of mushrooms in hand. It makes all the other schools look competitive with Gonzaga, who is in the NCAA tournament.

Also in the same department of overwhelming college basketball success stories coupled with indubitable failure comes the report in the Sporting News that 10 percent of Ohio State basketball players graduated with degrees from Ohio State between 1996 to 1999. It is sometimes difficult to criticize a school where academic stalwarts like Andy Katzenmoyer roamed the sidelines and excelled in the classroom.
Hopefully Greg Oden's 11 teammates get a degree before he bolts for the NBA in a month.

An emphatic happy birthday goes out to Twins pitcher Johan Santana. Santana wants the Twins to give him a contract extension. They should give him anything he wants. If I had been smart enough to trade that pocket change and hummus for Comedy Central and MTV stock, I'd chip in and send him to the Cubs and mail Mark Prior to Peoria myself.


Speaking of the Cubs, I believe that Carlos Zambrano should walk, not run, when he puts the ball in play.








Cleaning up the leftovers, today marks the 226th anniversary of William Herschel's cataloging of Uranus as a planet. In local oddities, the Dayton Daily News reports on a person being arrested with 350 pounds of marijuana, basically ruining John Popper's plans of doing a special impromptu event in Columbus. Finally, California Congressman Pete Stark is the highest ranking U.S. official to come out as an atheist. God bless him!