If you thought that lawmakers in Washington were glowing over their accomplishments last week, you might not have thought a raise in their exposure to radiation was responsible for their warm glow. A one sentence provision in a recently passed energy bill drastically increases funding for new nuclear power projects in the U.S. It seemed like nuclear power was already doing quite well, especially after the successful weekend "The Simpsons" film had at the box office. Montgomery Burns, it appears, should make out well on all fronts.
The Huffington Post has identified the newest beam of support for the White House case for a continued presence in Iraq...General David Petraeus. The good general is expected to issue a report on the situation in Iraq that addresses some of the shortcomings of the last few months worth of fighting the war on terror in Iraq while at the same time praising the results of the surge. This comes on the heels of a report given by the NYTimes that identified a U.S. intention to keep troop numbers up in Iraq through 2009. If this report were a musical, Petraeus would be singing "Cockeyed Optimist" while Bush and Cheney offer a duet of "The Song that Never Ends" with the word "war" superimposed in the places where "song" would be sung.
Ex Khmer Rouge prison chief Duch is the first of many expected to be tried for human rights abuses that occurred in Cambodia in the 1970s. While Pol Pot escaped the harsh punishment his actions deserved through death, at least the long-suffering victims will get a chance to see a few of his more notorious minions pan fried.
Chief Justice John Roberts recovered quickly after he had an unexplained seizure that sent him to the hospital. I'm not a doctor, but I'd blame the episode on Roberts standing within five miles of Alberto "It's Good to Have Known You" Gonzales' testimony in Congress. That logic could make concrete have a grand mal seizure.
Hootan Roozrokh has become what is believed to be the nation's first doctor charged with a felony for his role in a transplant. The transplant surgeon is accused of using drugs to hasten the demise of a patient in order to harvest his organs sooner. Dr. Roozrohk may also have become the first organ transplant surgeon in the United States to succeed in making people feel suspicious of a service that is meant to save their lives. You can bet that Doctor Demented will not be appearing in any of next year's public service announcements about organ transplantation.
Morbid coverage continues with the story of the death of the architect of the west coast offense Bill Walsh. Walsh, winner of three Super Bowls as coach of the San Francisco 49ers, died of leukemia at the age of 75. As a Bears fan, little pleased me quite as much as the stifling defense in 1985 coupled with the debut of the William Perry wrecking ball from the backfield, crushing your well oiled machine at Candlestick Park 26-10. But football wouldn't be like it is today without you, regardless of what team you coached. You were a great foe, and an even better friend to the game.
Chelsea Clinton is aiming to be the first two-time First Daughter with Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail. I'd prefer that Obama and his relatives inherit all of the First titles, but I'll take Chelsea Part Deux along with the Hillary in Charge show on the following, non-negotiable conditions:
A). I get to hang out at a bar two Saturdays a month on the Georgetown campus with Bill Clinton, canoodeling and cavorting the night away. I can crash in the Lincoln Bedroom afterward. B). I am given permission to misuse executive authority against Brett Favre in any way I see fit. C). Chelsea Clinton at least gives me some serious consideration as the future First Son-In-Law. If I achieve the rank of First Son-in-Law, I can crash in the Lincoln Bedroom whenever I have the need. And I can call Hillary mom. It's a small list of demands to get me into the fold. Like the Timberwolves, you'd probably better take the offer when it's on the table.
Finally, in the crazy news department, University of Texas researchers came up with 237 reasons why people have sex. They left off a couple of my favorites ("to celebrate the Bears going to the Super Bowl" and "it was either that or watching another episode of The O'Reilly Factor") while proving that no research is worthless so long as it gets you a news brief next to the story about Britney Spears' latest public foibles.
For those of us who don't pay attention to the MLS (most if not all of America), David Beckham has landed. The New Republic does its best to blow through the hype and explain why Beckham is an overrated one trick pony. The opponents of that assertion believe that Beckham is to soccer what Michael Jordan was to baseball...an ambassador that will help sell minor league tickets.
War games strategies propose that a U.S. withdrawal from Iraq would lead to Iraq splintering into three states rather than Iraq becoming a pawn under the control of radical Iran. This runs contrary to White House predictions that exiting Iraq would create absolute anarchy. Prognostications from professionals never stop those in power from doing something crazy like throwing money at militant groups in Iraq to battle other militants. I don't know why I expected the will of the people and common sense to overrule Bush's tenacious disregard for the obvious.
The sand is dropping through the hour glass, and Bush needs to make it look like he accomplished something during his last four years in office. He has chosen the always popular peace in Israel plan as his new way of keeping busy. The betting pool involves picking what happens last--peace in Israel, peace in Iraq, or peace in Columbus, Ohio during the Michigan football game.
Two earthquakes in Japan caused leakage at a nuclear facility near Tokyo. According to cinematic tradition, it is now time for Mothra to battle Godzilla for domination of the island nation.
The L.A. Times profiled a Frenchman who spent years in Iranian jail after accidentally becoming mired in a territorial battle. The article, while critical of the shortcomings of the Iranian legal system, still leads one to believe that the only place preferable to Gitmo is in fact Iranian prison.
The Democrats and fiscal responsibility seem to be mutually exclusive, but campaign research shows that Clinton and Obama are balancing their budgets while the Republicans are raising less money and spending it irresponsibly. Apparently the new Republican party is socially conservative and fiscally retarded.
Russia and Great Britain are at odds, with Russia promising swift retribution to Britain expelling diplomats after officials stated that they would refuse the extradition of a Russian accused of the murder of Alexander Litvinenko in London. Analysts predict that this will escalate to the point where Lennox Lewis will have to fight Fedor Emelianenko to the death in order to determine which country is right.
Finally, if the idea of a bunch of jerkoffs winning millions playing poker doesn't upset you enough, perhaps the idea of paying to watch these jerkoffs win millions will truly irritate you. The only sporting events more boring than competitive poker will be played at the Home Depot Center with the team trying to bend it like Beckham.
The NBA Playoffs are upon us. Hear the collective yawn escape everybody who stayed up to watch the Houston/Utah game last night and the collective gasp escape everybody in Cleveland and the NBA front office who saw LeBron turn his ankle today!
Criticism continues to pour in from Iraq. The Sunni bloc leader said that the proposed Shia/Sunni wall that will split neighborhoods in Baghdad will not work and will make things worse. The White House may want to look into the popularity of the former wall in Berlin to get an idea of how well this plan will endear them to the people.
At least security forces in Iraq are finally taking the initiative to act like Americans after a New York Times story came out about confessions being beaten out of detainees. If American hasn't taught Iraq about democracy, at least Iraqis learned how Steven Seagal gets information in his police films.
In national security issues, Air Force generals have ordered a review of defense mechanisms for satellites in orbit in outer space. This comes after the Chinese demonstrated the ability to shoot down one of their own satellites in orbit, hinting at the potential to unleash an electronic communication attack on the United States. As long as the first satellite taken down cuts off FoxNews to Ohio, the self-defense program is exactly where it needs to be.
Mutually assured destruction is also part of Commander in Chief Bush's national security plan, and he's keeping that concept alive with a bang as he moves forward with his plan to update America's nuclear arsenal. His abilities in foreign diplomacy are exceeded only by Kevin McHale's ability in basketball team building.
Wolfowitz and his efforts to repair Jewish/Islamic relations by dating across the divide continue to make the news. Ahh yes...the World Bank...fighting poverty one scandalous relationship at a time.
The Washington Post adds a caveat to those buying into Barack Obama's pledge to eschew donations from federal lobbyists. He is apparently bypassing the federal lobbyist money by taking money from...everybody else, including state lobbyists. He's a man of principles. Not very strongly held principles, but they are principles nonetheless.
In Cuban news, he's back! Fidel Castro met with Chinese officials in Cuba for the first time since his hiatus after diverticular disease surgery that installed, of all things, an artificial anus. He was going to try an anus transplant, but Karl Rove has been busy preparing a defense for his missteps and was unavailable to be sewn to the end of Castro's intestine.
Bill O'Reilly continues to be fair and balanced in arguing with anybody who will listen. His latest altercation involved Denver Post media critic Joanne Ostrow, a columnist who refused to appear on his show after she penned a critical review of O'Reilly's work. Undeterred, O'Reilly ambushed Ostrow in the grocery store parking lot with camera crew in tow. It sounds like this plus the wrestling match with Geraldo Rivera indicate that the no-spin zone is spinning out of control.
Public health professional Bernie Ellis is getting out of jail but is threatened with having his farm repossessed by the government after serving time on a medical marijuana conviction. Looking more like Jerry Orbach than Jerry Garcia, Ellis' actions have garnered great attention from medical rights advocates and more attention from Pacman Jones, who is going to need a hookup during his first eight game suspension at the beginning of season.
In conclusion, bizarre stories lead off with an Amish crime spree involving kidnap and buggy-jacking. The police are guessing the perpatrators could be anywhere within the three square mile radius they could have traveled in the horse-drawn carriage since the events transpired.
These same police may be amongst the heroes that saved Ronald McDonald from almost certain death after he was hanged and disfigured. McDonald was probably saying to himself, "Ouch...I'm not loving it!"
