A Tall Glass of Blackwater

News keeps pouring in about the misdeeds of our hired mercenary goons in Iraq. Apparently Blackwater, a security company meant to protect American officials in Iraq, made a number of poor decisions in evacuating people from a secure compound in addition to their poor decision to kill Iraqi civilians. Who would have imagined that letting a bunch of cowboys run around Iraq armed could have turned out so badly? Apparently not the White House, that's for sure.

Further evidence of the federal government ignoring those displaced by Hurricane Katrina comes in the form of cities attempting to close down the confederated trailer parks where those who lost their homes in the storm currently live. Boy, if the people of New Orleans didn't get jobbed well enough by the shortsighted efforts of FEMA and their minions, now they'll get to experience the unbridled joy that comes from getting screwed at the local level.

In the habeas corpus department, selected members of the Gitmo gulag will be able to request lawyers to help battle their status as enemy combatants. If they want to put up a real fight, I would suggest getting any one of the lawyers who represented Phil Spector to fight their case.

Those looking for another reason not to support the Clinton 2008 rush to the White House need to look no further than her controversial campaign advisor--George W. Bush. He knows what he's talking about, because if there was any candidate that won an election after a more controversial tenure than the Clintons, it would have to be junior Bush.

Google and Microsoft are now taking off their gloves in the battle for computing supremacy. Whichever company wins, the public probably loses. Between Microsoft's monopolistic practices and Google's invasion of privacy, it's akin trying to pick your favorite type of genocide.

The new media revolution has now moved to Myanmar, where bloggers are a major frame of reference for media organizations looking for information about the protests in the country and the violent government backlash that followed. While the channel may have been closed by government officials when they clamped down on the internet, it's interesting to see that somebody uses a blog for a useful purpose (as opposed to yours truly).

Finally, in news of the weird, Slate produced a feature that detailed the best articles about sex from the year 2007. Just missing the cut were Larry Craig's restroom hijinks and Michael Jackson, who is probably having massive problems getting laid since he isn't actually married.

Microsoft Drives Me Crazy

In what must be one of the saddest stories of all time, the cyber-pirate Microsoft Corporation lost its appeal and may be forced to pay a record €497 million court fine for anti-competitive practices in Europe. Bill Gates will get to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day with a giant, "Arrr, matey! Shiver me timbers!" after the European Union pillaged and plundered the booty in Gates' bank accounts.

The Federal Reserve cut key interest rates in a move designed to improve America's economy. Hopefully the new energy in the economy will generate enough scratch for Bill Gates to pay off the right people in Europe.

One of the day's most interesting stories was the L.A. Times piece on the multimillion dollar cache of fine art in Iran that is kept in a basement. The works of Picasso, Van Gogh, Pollock, Warhol, Monet, Pissarro and Bacon are kept in an underground room with the public unable to view the art because of political and religious concerns. Perhaps we could sell Iran some of our more modern artistic treasures like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan so they can also keep them hidden from public view.

Immigration and issues of illegal aliens come up in interesting places, including the fine wine industry, where wineries that require manual labor in order to harvest the best product are under strain because of tighter border security limiting their potential pool of workers. I don't know how many illegal immigrants it takes to make my favorite single vineyard California Pinot Noir, but if the quality of California wine goes down, I'll be more than happy to buy my single vineyard Pinot Noir from Burgundy.

Today's favorite conduit for controversy is Andrew Meyer, the University of Florida student who was subdued by police Taser in a video that was featured in a post here yesterday. Critics are starting to question his credentials as a journalist after reading some of his editorials that were basically senseless rants with little to no fact checking. Hey, famouswriterman, I guess Andy Warhol's prognostication of everybody having 15 minutes of fame was pretty accurate.

Also in regards to the difference between fame and infamy, the Dallas Cowboys signed embroiled defensive lineman Tank Johnson to a two-year contract. Luckily for Tank, he's more difficult to tackle and take down with a Taser than Andrew Meyer was, so the police will usually ask Johnson nicely to turn himself in when he's a wanted man. Unluckily for the NFL, Johnson is also a magnet for trouble. Hopefully he can stay out of jail long enough to face the Bears in the post-season.

Speaking of football players and felonies, Texas is leading the nation in players suspended and crimes (allegedly) committed this season after Coach Mack Brown suspended running back James Henry for being charged with two felonies in retaliation for a separate incident involving two other Texas football players and an (alleged) armed robbery. Mack Brown is allegedly the coach, and allegedly he recruited these felons, so if the University of Texas is indeed allegedly an institution of higher learning, they should fix some of these real problems before the governor calls the National Guard to take down your roving (and 6th- or 7th-ranked) gang of thugs.

Finally, in vegetarian news, Alicia Silverstone is getting naked to promote vegetarianism. It's good to see that her cruelty-free diet has helped her to shed some of that Batman weight. I have had a hankering for Silverstone since her appearance in the Aerosmith videos, so she does qualify as an animal product I would eat.

He's Got a Puncher's Chance

The Cubs have shipped Michael Barrett off to San Diego for scrap metal. As displayed in the above photograph, thanks for the memories, Michael.

The proposed Mexican border fence is expected to alter the routines of many people, including Americans who aren't traveling to Mexico. It's amazing that our government can get motivated to build a fence to control immigration while earlier being incapable of putting any real effort into building the levee in New Orleans.

British officials have approached fighting terrorism by employing Muslims who are fluent in Arabic to work in anti-terrorism. This is a stark contrast to the United States, where President Bush expects all terrorists to speak in English so he doesn't have to use tax money to educate his intelligence forces. The city of Cincinnati and its football team could benefit from this approach by hiring former criminally-minded Bengal Corey Dillon to be the new sheriff in town.

Michael Bloomberg is promising not to be the only New York douche bag in the 2008 election. He cut ties with the Republican party, paving a path for the reclusive billionaire to run as an independent candidate. If Clinton, Giuliani and Bloomberg offer a trifecta of New Yorkers to vote for President, I'm voting Libertarian or Communist, whichever party Bloomberg isnt affiliated with.

Hillary Clinton announced her campaign theme song in a You Tube spot that parodied the recent "Sopranos" finale. The final episode of the mafia drama left a lot of the series uncertain and open to interpretation. It's too bad that we know Hillary's campaign prospects weren't whacked at the end of the You Tube episode.

Archeologists have identified the Americas' first gun shot victims. The Spanish conquistadors hunted down a band that resisted their occupation in Peru in 1536. Police have been contacted, and it is not clear what Pacman Jones' alibi was during the aftermath of the siege of Lima.

Microsoft caved in and agreed to allow changes to the way the much lamented Vista operates. As soon as they agree to allow changes that include building a new, not-Vista operating system and replacing the old Vista piece of junk for me, I agree to stop complaining about Vista's shortcomings.

Somebody's Watching You (But Who's Watching Them?)

Artwork by David Shrigley

Sometimes you see things coming. Other times, events surprise you. As long as events continue as they are, most events in your daily life will continue to defy explanation.

U.S. forces have stepped up the efforts to battle Sunni insurgents in and around Baghdad. Soon afterward, a car bomb exploded in a market and added up massive casualties. It is almost unthinkable that there are any troops, insurgents and citizens left to kill.

For the first time in the history of history, the United States is lifting sanctions against the Palestinian government. President Abbas is expected to use the funds to continue the fight against the rowdy Hamas faction that is actively pursuing resistance efforts in Gaza. Much like in Presidential elections, the world often throws support behind what seems to be the lesser of two evils.

The greater of two evils in the last election has a history of signing bills into law and refusing to enforce the legislated provisions according to a recent study. It seems unthinkable that George W. Bush would say one thing and then do another. His demeanor seems so consistent. Luckily for his self-esteem, he isn't very good at comprehending quantitative statistics.

The 2008 Election Report includes proof that the bellwether states represent nobody. Polls in Iowa and New Hampshire show Mitt the Nit leads the Republican race in both money and popularity. Iowa and New Hampshire are less representative of America than Mitt Romney is of the city of Boston.

Law and order candidate Fred Thompson is running into some campaign obstacles because of his role on the television show "Law & Order." Equal time requirements will quash the 57 appearances Thompson makes daily on 34 networks on the popular series. It is only fair if they remove and burn every copy of Rudy Giuliani on "Saturday Night Live" in order to keep everything balanced.

Slate details Google's answer to Microsoft Outlook. Hopefully they are on the way to designing a Web-based alternative to Vista.

The city that Capone built is gearing up for another high-profile mob trial, complete with a shrouded jury. Hopefully none of them are regular viewers of "The Sopranos" because other than Carlo, not too many of the characters who crossed the mafia got out in one piece.

Slate continues its pursuit of absolute journalistic truth with its positive review of the latest anti-drug commercial. The author of the article enjoyed the commercial greatly because he relishes psychedelic experiences like reasonable anti-drug commercials.

Woke Up This Morning, Got Myself a Gun

I don't want to say that the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic, but the last episode of Sopranos was anti-climactic. No show spends more time teasing you and not accomplishing anything. Basically everything is still in play, and David Chase just delivered a stupid mindfuck of an ending. Just watch the next to last episode, then fast forward to the last 20 minutes of the finale and you'll be on the best possible journey.

If there was any question as to why Vista is eventually going to rule the world, look no further than the Times article about the Justice Department's unwavering support of Microsoft.
Justice may be blind, but it isn't immune to stylishly executed bribery to be sure.

The lack of response in Sudan from the U.S. could be connected to the U.S. reliance on the controversial country's services. Ahh, foreign diplomacy...the only place where you can have your cake and eat it too.

Continuing the cheap puns department, the Army is robbing Peter to pay Paul by arming the Iraqi Sunnis to battle the insurgency. The military sees a long-term occupation of Iraq, so at this point they'll try anything. Perhaps they should check into how popular past arms deals have been.

Joe Lieberman is busy trying to keep his place on the mantle as the Democratic loose cannon. The Holy Trinity of Wackos (George Bush, John McCain and Lieberman) are advocating strikes against Iran based upon the country's support of insurgents attacking American troops. I now know that that the entire cast of Kerry, Edwards and Lieberman in the last Presidential election was a bunch of dolts from top to bottom. I'm voting Kucinich this year.

Giuliani is apparently not loved by Black New York. It seems difficult to believe that a disingenuous man who supported everything and stood for nothing, repeatedly marrying and divorcing cousins all the while dressed like Marilyn Monroe would have trouble winning over voters of any race, ethnicity or gender.

The battle of the sexes got tilted in the favor of the ladies this weekend when filly Rags to Riches beat all the boys at the Belmont, the third jewel in horse racing's Triple Crown. Typically you have to staple me to a chair to get me to watch horses run around a track. The race was a photo finish, and the girl came in first. Trainer Todd Pletcher can check out the new-fangled anti-counterfeiting measures on his celebratory bottle of champagne.

Hopefully LeBron James, the Cavs or some viewers show up to watch Game 3 of the NBA Finals, because these performances make curling seem intense.