Cycling the News Cycle

Floyd Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title in a move that came as a surprise to nobody but Floyd Landis. I believe the story received way too much press because Landis and O.J. Simpson lack a certain characteristic called credibility, with Landis having the additional problem of competing in the only sport that could rival football in terms of being associated with steroids. Actually, Simpson has a better chance of being found innocent than Landis had based upon simple examination of facts. If somebody wants to put together a novel and enlightening article about the Tour, I would suggest trying to track down the guy in cycling who isn't on drugs in order to introduce me to an unknown quantity.

The Senate failed to pass a measure that would have been the first step in bringing troops home from Iraq. Come to think of it, I'm trying to remember the last time the Senate succeeded at anything. It was might have been recently, but I really can't put my finger on the exact date.

It was a great news day for loony world leaders and ideologues. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, had his request to lay a wreath at the memorial for 9/11 declined. He would have been received less warmly than Art Modell at a Cleveland Browns convention. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is ordering his countrymen to set their clocks back a half an hour in order to create more daylight. Notice to Chavez: Day light and school hours can be changed without the arbitrary time shifts. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. And everybody's favorite fundamentalist cretin Osama bin Laden has issued a call for attacks on Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf because of his actions against mosques in Pakistan and his cooperation with America. Musharraf countered by cutting off bin Laden's supply of beard dye.

Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather filed a $70 million law suit against his ex-employer for damaging his reputation in the wake of his termination. CBS might actually give him half of that if he'd agree to come back and take over for the ratings slump that is the Katie Couric experience.

If you haven't gotten your fill of election coverage yet, definitely check out the Slate piece about Mitt Romney's make-your-own campaign ad Web site. You can go ahead and insert any random Mormon joke and make it Mitt's campaign slogan. Bonus!

In sports news, I'm still baffled that Tank Johnson signed a new contract. Obviously character means little and talent means everything in the NFL. The most surprising fact is that the Cincinnati Bengals didn't sign Johnson after the Cleveland Steamers dropped a 51 spot on their defense. His character would have made Johnson a natural fit in the Queen city.

Finally, if Notre Dame didn't look bad enough playing football on the field this season, hopefully the burn of lost income at Bowl season will sting enough to make the school rethink its independent status. Even without a conference, Notre Dame will still finish the year in last place in its division.

Only in France

The eagerly anticipated (chuckle) Tour de France kicks off today in, of all places, London. The scandal-plagued sport is trying to erase its image as the biggest collection of drug users outside of the Grateful Dead 1969 tour. I will not be watching this year's tour as I will be too busy watching paint dry to give the Tour the proper attention it deserves.

The Cincinnati challenge to warrantless wiretaps was thrown out of court. The mindbending legal doublespeak was that information was classified, so it would impossible to prove that the claimants were in fact directly being targeted by the top secret program. Only in a court of law could they demonstrate the perfect use of circular logic.

The legal system is getting a workout in New Orleans, with a shortage of public defenders creating a severe backup in the system. The city has been unable to recover from Hurricane Katrina. Defendants sometimes spend a year in jail before speaking with a lawyer. This should probably be the best possible encouragement for you NOT to streak and get in fights at next year's Mardi Gras.

The rumor wheels are turning, with The Business magazine reporting that Dow Jones and The Wall Street Journal have been sold to evil media robber baron Rupert Murdoch. The NYTimes' blog Deal Book believes the story may be a leveraging stunt executed by Murdoch and that the deal may not be inked just yet. The countdown for Murdoch to turn the Wall Street Journal into the Fox News Journal has begun.

The Onion spoof on Bush diplomacy is perfect. The picture of Rumsfeld in front of a map of the world marked U.S. and Them may be the funniest thing I've seen in some time. The shoot-first mindset has gotten another ball rolling, with 14 members of Congress signed on in support of impeachment papers for Dick Cheney. Whatever bunker or lair Count Cheney is hiding out in, I hope he's starting to sweat a little bit.

Al Gore is on the road promoting his global warming consciousness music festival Live Earth today. Critics have attacked the event, calling it a ploy to get Gore publicity for a White House run, criticizing the musicians who participated in the event and identifying sponsors who may be part of the root cause of global warming in the first place. It seems to me that poor Al Gore can't really win anything, can he? He puts together a giant concert with every band on the planet and people are still complaining. Unbelievable!

Microsoft took a big hit when the announced an extension of Xbox warranties as part of a repair program for its Xbox 360 game console. The problem is described by owners as "the red ring of death." I don't know what causes it, but any phrase with the suffix "of death" is probably pretty bad.

In more tech news, iTunes is planning to offer special prices for selected new releases in order to drum up sales. This comes on the tail of a negotiation battle with major record label Universal. This news should keep the iPhone enthusiasts sated for the next little while.

The funniest article of the day brings us back to France, where the exercise routine of President Sarkozy has the French up in arms. People are upset by his regular habit of (gasp)...jogging. Only in a country whose national sport involves people riding bikes in the mountains would people get irate about their president running around.

Shooting and Sometimes Scoring

There is absolutely no substitute for being able to nail a last second shot. Hopefully LeBron James took lessons from Zack Greer, the guy whose shot won it for Duke lacrosse with 3 seconds remaining on the clock. If Wise Lebron isn't paying attention, he will be watching the finals at home much like the Cornell goaltender who today tasted defeat for the first time this season. (And congratulations to a Duke team who will get a shot to bring home their first national championship Monday and almost deserves one after having their name dragged through the mud by nefarious prosecutor Mike Nifong.)

Today, the ultimate source for political commentary Golf magazine addresses the cartoon that is the choice of Presidential candidates. I can't say I disagree. Hopefully I don't have to pick between Rudy and Hill-dog.

Media law dominated the day, starting with the big-ticket freedom of information legislation that was torpedoed by an anonymous senator. There's only 100 of these supposed representatives to sift through...I call on all the fury of the media and the voting public to figure out who and why.

Luckily enough, not every member of Capitol Hill is working to screw media law. In the field of copyright, the 100th representative was signed on in support of the internet equality act. The act opposes impending legislation that will significantly increase royalty rates on Web radio. This move could effectively stifle the development of independent Web radio. The only Web radio that should be stifled is any that involves Don Imus or Opie and Anthony, so contact your representative, express support for the internet equality act and save net radio.

On the privacy front, the European Union and Google are creating friction over Google's data collection practices. It is an interesting and important issue, and I would like both Google and the European Union to know that it was somebody else who used my IP address and lap top to search for those interesting queries involving produce.

Also from CMJ (and in need of more Web radio publicity) is the report on the new Liars album scheduled to be released later this year. They were fantastic at Pitchfork Fest last year, if for no other reason then the band brought a smile to my face in the 100 degree heat when the guitarist thrashed his way into a unitard during a drum break. Nothing makes me smile quite like typing the word "unitard." But they play interesting, intense music that's not to be missed.

Finally, in the category of esotericism, Danish Tour de France champion Bjarne Riis became the first of the gang to admit to doping. This is a marked departure from champions Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong, who deny deny deny everything despite all evidence to the contrary. Let's recognize Riis for being forthcoming in a sport that's frankly on more drugs, prescription and otherwise, than Mike Tyson.

And flight attendant Lisa Robertson, canned for helping actor Ralph Fiennes join the mile high club, has found new employment as the spokeswoman for a Sydney, Australia bordello. Her meteoric rise in employment stock after fucking around in airplanes can only be topped by George W. Bush becoming President after his "service record" in the National Guard.