30 August 2007

NC Two A--Today!

It's back! College football is in the air, with LSU most likely wiping the floor with the overmatched Mississippi State tonight on national (cable) television. The fans are crazy. The predictions are in. One day after my complaints about the Big Ten network and cable television, my cable provider picked up the channel, which should give me all the fuel I need to watch OSU play its way into third place in the conference. The game is on. Let's play ball.

According to the Government Accountability Office (what a nice concept!), the surge has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks for success in Iraq set by Congress. In Chicago, Rex Grossman has failed to meet 16 out of the 18 benchmarks for success, suggesting that he will start and play through most of the season. You know what that means in Iraq.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has agreed to give up his military rank in order to remain in office while simultaneously allowing exiled Benazir Bhutto back into the country to run for prime minister. The U.S. government views the plan as the least of many potential evils. U.S. citizens are presently contemplating the possibility of exiling most of the White House and putting somebody from the military in charge at least until the next election. I'll keep you posted.

Texas, a state whose capital punishment totals are dwarfed only by large totalitarian nations, is trying to set a new low in cause for execution. This bastion of good ole boys has executed the mentally retarded and (potentially) the innocent. Now, Kenneth Foster is set for execution August 30. He didn't murder anybody, but rather was the getaway driver who knew nothing of the murder committed by another man who was greater than 80 feet from Foster's vehicle at the time of the robbery. Foster has used his time in prison to develop his craft as a spoken word artist. Meanwhile, a judge in California has suggested that the state needs to fast track more executions in order to make the system run more effectively.
Let's call him the CEO of Death, Inc. Across the pond in the European Union, people are looking at us now with the same disdain with which the Romans viewed the Barbarians.

In music news, a Viennese pathologist is working on determining whether lead poisoning by his doctor contributed to the death of Ludwig van Beethoven. In my opinion, the genius composer probably visualized how his craft would be thrown to the dogs when nincompoops like Fall Out Boy and Fergie became the famous composers of the day, and then Ludwig choked on his own vomit.

Speaking of musicians vomiting, clinically brain dead guitarist Keith Richards is outraged at negative reviews of a Stones show he had translated from Swedish papers. The reviews called him "Superdrunk," and "a bit confused." Richards probably cried himself to sleep inside a giant bottle of Absolut.

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