What a weekend for sports! I can't decide whether the biggest story of the weekend was the collapse of the Mets, the NL Wild Card coming down to game 163, college football's wild weekend where number two jumped number one and scores of other contenders got knocked down, or the NFL weekend where we found out the Bears were who we thought they were, only the Lions didn't let them get away. At least I still have the Cubbies to keep me warm while I'm making the decision...let's play ball.
Now that Congress failed to reach any consensus on what to do in Iraq other than throw more money at the problem, they have decided to focus their efforts on domestic issues like health care and taxes. Hopefully these guys can get SOMETHING accomplished instead of blaming all their inadequacies on Furher Bush and his convictions.
The campaign of genocide in Sudan has now expanded its aim to include aid workers in the ravaged country. If karma actually existed, some of the scumbags in Darfur and the United Nations would pay dearly for their roles as active or complacent contributors to the human rights abuses in this troubled land. At least we still have time to concentrate on missile defense shields and other science fiction while being to busy in Iraq to lend any real assistance to people in real need.
In vegetarian news, 21.7 million pounds of ground beef were recalled by Topps Meat because of E. coli contamination, proving what I have known for more than a decade: eating ground up dead cows is disgusting.
Musical mavericks Radiohead are releasing their latest album on the internet, and they are giving you the option of how much, if anything, you want to pay for it. 50 Cent forced people to pay for his pathetic new album, and as a result, lost his battle of album sales with Kanye West. Maybe 50 should try a Radiohead business model with his next venture.
Finally, Reuters put together an interesting article about musicians and their preference for analog equipment over the digital counterparts. This is a really interesting concept to explore, but for credibility's sake, don't use limited, meaningless terminology like electronica to describe music for fear of how L7 that will really make you look in your inability to genre-fy music you can't truly conceptualize. Electronica has slightly more meaning than did the equally meaningless category of grunge, if for no reason other than the fact the the musicians (much like Bob Dylan at the Newport Folk Festival) do in fact plug their instruments into an electric outlet, much along the same lines that grunge musicians played guitar and showered less often than was media-appropriate. Learn to use the music terminology correctly or fear getting burned, Reuters.
Floyd Landis was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title in a move that came as a surprise to nobody but Floyd Landis. I believe the story received way too much press because Landis and O.J. Simpson lack a certain characteristic called credibility, with Landis having the additional problem of competing in the only sport that could rival football in terms of being associated with steroids. Actually, Simpson has a better chance of being found innocent than Landis had based upon simple examination of facts. If somebody wants to put together a novel and enlightening article about the Tour, I would suggest trying to track down the guy in cycling who isn't on drugs in order to introduce me to an unknown quantity.
The Senate failed to pass a measure that would have been the first step in bringing troops home from Iraq. Come to think of it, I'm trying to remember the last time the Senate succeeded at anything. It was might have been recently, but I really can't put my finger on the exact date.
It was a great news day for loony world leaders and ideologues. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the President of Iran, had his request to lay a wreath at the memorial for 9/11 declined. He would have been received less warmly than Art Modell at a Cleveland Browns convention. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is ordering his countrymen to set their clocks back a half an hour in order to create more daylight. Notice to Chavez: Day light and school hours can be changed without the arbitrary time shifts. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. And everybody's favorite fundamentalist cretin Osama bin Laden has issued a call for attacks on Pakistani President General Pervez Musharraf because of his actions against mosques in Pakistan and his cooperation with America. Musharraf countered by cutting off bin Laden's supply of beard dye.
Former CBS news anchor Dan Rather filed a $70 million law suit against his ex-employer for damaging his reputation in the wake of his termination. CBS might actually give him half of that if he'd agree to come back and take over for the ratings slump that is the Katie Couric experience.
If you haven't gotten your fill of election coverage yet, definitely check out the Slate piece about Mitt Romney's make-your-own campaign ad Web site. You can go ahead and insert any random Mormon joke and make it Mitt's campaign slogan. Bonus!
In sports news, I'm still baffled that Tank Johnson signed a new contract. Obviously character means little and talent means everything in the NFL. The most surprising fact is that the Cincinnati Bengals didn't sign Johnson after the Cleveland Steamers dropped a 51 spot on their defense. His character would have made Johnson a natural fit in the Queen city.
Finally, if Notre Dame didn't look bad enough playing football on the field this season, hopefully the burn of lost income at Bowl season will sting enough to make the school rethink its independent status. Even without a conference, Notre Dame will still finish the year in last place in its division.
In what must be one of the saddest stories of all time, the cyber-pirate Microsoft Corporation lost its appeal and may be forced to pay a record €497 million court fine for anti-competitive practices in Europe. Bill Gates will get to celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day with a giant, "Arrr, matey! Shiver me timbers!" after the European Union pillaged and plundered the booty in Gates' bank accounts.
The Federal Reserve cut key interest rates in a move designed to improve America's economy. Hopefully the new energy in the economy will generate enough scratch for Bill Gates to pay off the right people in Europe.
One of the day's most interesting stories was the L.A. Times piece on the multimillion dollar cache of fine art in Iran that is kept in a basement. The works of Picasso, Van Gogh, Pollock, Warhol, Monet, Pissarro and Bacon are kept in an underground room with the public unable to view the art because of political and religious concerns. Perhaps we could sell Iran some of our more modern artistic treasures like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan so they can also keep them hidden from public view.
Immigration and issues of illegal aliens come up in interesting places, including the fine wine industry, where wineries that require manual labor in order to harvest the best product are under strain because of tighter border security limiting their potential pool of workers. I don't know how many illegal immigrants it takes to make my favorite single vineyard California Pinot Noir, but if the quality of California wine goes down, I'll be more than happy to buy my single vineyard Pinot Noir from Burgundy.
Today's favorite conduit for controversy is Andrew Meyer, the University of Florida student who was subdued by police Taser in a video that was featured in a post here yesterday. Critics are starting to question his credentials as a journalist after reading some of his editorials that were basically senseless rants with little to no fact checking. Hey,famouswriterman, I guess Andy Warhol's prognostication of everybody having 15 minutes of fame was pretty accurate.
Also in regards to the difference between fame and infamy, the Dallas Cowboys signed embroiled defensive lineman Tank Johnson to a two-year contract. Luckily for Tank, he's more difficult to tackle and take down with a Taser than Andrew Meyer was, so the police will usually ask Johnson nicely to turn himself in when he's a wanted man. Unluckily for the NFL, Johnson is also a magnet for trouble. Hopefully he can stay out of jail long enough to face the Bears in the post-season.
Speaking of football players and felonies, Texas is leading the nation in players suspended and crimes (allegedly) committed this season after Coach Mack Brown suspended running back James Henry for being charged with two felonies in retaliation for a separate incident involving two other Texas football players and an (alleged) armed robbery. Mack Brown is allegedly the coach, and allegedly he recruited these felons, so if the University of Texas is indeed allegedly an institution of higher learning, they should fix some of these real problems before the governor calls the National Guard to take down your roving (and 6th- or 7th-ranked) gang of thugs.
Finally, in vegetarian news, Alicia Silverstone is getting naked to promote vegetarianism. It's good to see that her cruelty-free diet has helped her to shed some of that Batman weight. I have had a hankering for Silverstone since her appearance in the Aerosmith videos, so she does qualify as an animal product I would eat.
German authorities are reporting the arrest of three people plotting to launch terrorist attacks against American and Teutonic targets, seizing a cache of explosives and military detonators that were to be used against unnamed targets in the country. The materials confiscated by the authorities potentially would have been the biggest bomb to explode in Germany since the David Hasselhoff Hamburger video surfaced.
Iraq continues to pile up the bad news. Reports indicate that the Iraqi army will be unable to take over for American forces within the next 18 months. Experts are also crediting reports of decreased violence in Iraq to dubious accounting practices. Hopefully this is all part of the continuing success of the troop surge.
After this blog commented on the pitfalls that have rained down upon the Republican party, the news came in that Paul Gilmore, a Senator from Ohio, died in his apartment at the age of 68. Most Republicans were wishing that Larry Craig would have dropped dead and that Paul Gillmore would have stuck around, but hey--you can't win them all.
Are you ready for some football? The NFL season starts tonight with the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts facing the NFC Championship also-ran New Orleans Saints. The Onion is predicting big things for Brady Quinn. Hopefully another Cincinnati Bengal doesn't get arrested in the stands before their first game on Monday.
The biggest story in college football this year was Appalachian State beating the juggernaut that is Michigan. Now rival Ohio State fans are creating a huge demand for Appalachian State wear in order to taunt the rival Wolverines. Salt, meet open wound.
Finally, in music news, the opera world was dealt a tragic blow as one of its most notable figures has died of pacreatic cancer at the age of 71. Luciano Pavarotti, the most noted of the great Three Tenors, lost a long battle with the disease. He was noted for his warm stage presence, his rich and vibrant tone and his clear diction of Romance languages. Pavarotti was one of the latest in a long line of opera stars to cross over into the realm of pop culture. Recordings will be all that remains of one of the greatest voices of all time.
T-minus two days and counting for NFL football. My fantasy team is ready. My Bears gear is in. The experts have spoken. Let's fire up this grill and get cooking.
North Korea is claiming the U.S. will lift sanctions against the country while the U.S. is saying, "No we didn't." I give the Van Halen reunion a better chance at success.
George Bush and his rose-colored glasses are reporting nothing but butterflies and puppies in Iraq. King George, the cockeyed optimist that he is, probably also believes Michigan has a shot at the national championship and that Lindsay Lohan will soon be getting out of rehab and climbing back up the ladder of success.
News crews are all over the Larry Craig story. But there are deeper issues afoot than a Senator looking to get lucky in the men's room of the airport. When is it ethically acceptable to identify a closeted homosexual? Why is the police department patrolling bathrooms when terrorism seems to be a greater threat? Who has the most notches in their Congressional bed posts--Mark Foley, David Vitter or Craig? These questions are tough, and Republicans and the media will have to come up with the answers on their own.
All of those suckers who waited in line overnight and spent a month's rent on Apple's new iPhone probably weren't planning for rival Google to develop a competing product. Rumors are swirling around the Web that the factotum of technology is going to release its own mobile browsing cell phone very soon. All of these companies are modifying Timothy Leary's plan and asking consumers to Plug In, Turn On and Drop Out. I'll be on the outside looking in, thanks.
The trial is coming to a close, and the jury is in on one issue--the Phil Spector trial is weird as hell. The only way a trial could be more crazy is if Verne Troyer stabbed Vin Diesel and Paris Hilton to death with a broken beer bottle and blamed it on O.J. Simpson.
Finally, the weirdest story of the day had to be the tale of 13-year-old school kids in South Africa getting in trouble for taking ecstasy at a school dance. Where do they go to school? Lindsay Lohan Prep? Brittney Spears High? Where does a middle school kid get ecstasy, and who sold it to them? It ought to provide an easy way to shrug off the legacy of apartheid, at any rate.
Count Michigan out of the National Championship picture. The overconfident Wolverines were outmatched by the overwhelming onslaught orchestrated by the outrageous Appalachian State Mountaineers, a team playing at the competitive level formerly referred to as I-AA, by a score of 34-32. Just start naming teams that you think would beat Appalachian State at home and rank Big Blue accordingly (my list stops at Missouri, Ohio University and North Carolina).
The Hillary Clinton campaign missed some blatant red flags that should have been noticed when they accepted donations from con man criminal Norman Hsu. Hillary returned the swindler's money, proving that she has a great moral compass when she's caught red handed.
Republicans are dropping like flies. Everybody's favorite closet Log Cabin Republican Larry Craig is stepping down. John William Warner, a man with greater heterosexual credibility in the Republican Party after marrying Elizabeth Taylor, is also wrapping up his Senate tenure by not running for re-election. Warner should be the first Republican leaving office in the last chunk of time that can actually ever show his face in public again, so congratulations on that moral victory.
Texas Governor Rick Perry finally called off the execution dogs on Kenneth Foster in a move called for in a previous post by this blog. Now all they have to do is execute capital punishment and they'll have the whole thing solved.
WWE boss Vince McMahon suspended 10 wrestlers for violating the health and wellness policy for steroid use before he is to be called to testify in front of Congress next month. I can't wait to hear his explanation for how he got on the cover of Muscle and Fitness magazine at the age of 60.
In the obituary section, renowned beer critic Michael Jackson died at the age of 65. Jackson was an expert on beer, especially from Belgium, and travelled the world over tasting the world's finest brews. He was also extremely knowledgeable about whisky. Pour a little of your 40 out to remember your dead homey because this guy was a wealth of beer facts and esoterica that will never be replaced.
Finally, anybody within realistic distance to Chicago should take advantage of one of their best free festivals--The Chicago Jazz Festival. My personal highlights would include Charlie Haden's Liberation Music Orchestra, Medeski, Scofield, Martin and Wood, Herbie Hancock, Rob Mazurek's Exploding Star Orchestra, Ernest Dawkins, the Mingus Big Band, 8 Bold Souls and the Fred Anderson Trio if I was actually in town. So please go and tell me what I missed.
It's back! College football is in the air, with LSU most likely wiping the floor with the overmatched Mississippi State tonight on national (cable) television. The fans are crazy. The predictions are in. One day after my complaints about the Big Ten network and cable television, my cable provider picked up the channel, which should give me all the fuel I need to watch OSU play its way into third place in the conference. The game is on. Let's play ball.
According to the Government Accountability Office (what a nice concept!), the surge has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks for success in Iraq set by Congress. In Chicago, Rex Grossman has failed to meet 16 out of the 18 benchmarks for success, suggesting that he will start and play through most of the season. You know what that means in Iraq. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has agreed to give up his military rank in order to remain in office while simultaneously allowing exiled Benazir Bhutto back into the country to run for prime minister. The U.S. government views the plan as the least of many potential evils. U.S. citizens are presently contemplating the possibility of exiling most of the White House and putting somebody from the military in charge at least until the next election. I'll keep you posted.
Texas, a state whose capital punishment totals are dwarfed only by large totalitarian nations, is trying to set a new low in cause for execution. This bastion of good ole boys has executed the mentally retarded and (potentially) the innocent. Now, Kenneth Foster is set for execution August 30. He didn't murder anybody, but rather was the getaway driver who knew nothing of the murder committed by another man who was greater than 80 feet from Foster's vehicle at the time of the robbery. Foster has used his time in prison to develop his craft as a spoken word artist. Meanwhile, a judge in California has suggested that the state needs to fast track more executions in order to make the system run more effectively. Let's call him the CEO of Death, Inc. Across the pond in the European Union, people are looking at us now with the same disdain with which the Romans viewed the Barbarians.
In music news, a Viennese pathologist is working on determining whether lead poisoning by his doctor contributed to the death of Ludwig van Beethoven. In my opinion, the genius composer probably visualized how his craft would be thrown to the dogs when nincompoops like Fall Out Boy and Fergie became the famous composers of the day, and then Ludwig choked on his own vomit.
Speaking of musicians vomiting, clinically brain dead guitarist Keith Richards is outraged at negative reviews of a Stones show he had translated from Swedish papers. The reviews called him "Superdrunk," and "a bit confused." Richards probably cried himself to sleep inside a giant bottle of Absolut.
Finally, they got rid of the bad guy. No, I'm not talking about Michael Vick, although even that speedster couldn't outrun his dogfighting charges. Vick should be congratulated on finding Jesus, albeit after he mistreated and potentially killed a cadre of God's creatures he was entrusted to protect. No, the bad guy in question here is Alberto Gonzales, who finally offered his resignation after much heel dragging ensued. The case against Gonzales was strong. It's a shame that he and Vick won't get an opportunity to be roommates in the Federal Pen.
The American quest to find leadership in Iraq may be taking a turn down familiar streets soon, with former failed leader Iyad Allawi campaigning in Washington to take over for the current failure in leadership Nouri al-Maliki. Most Americans at this point are doing the same, contemplating the possibility of putting former failure Jimmy Carter back in office to stop the bleeding before President Bush II REALLY gets a chance to screw something up.
On the other front in the war on terror, the Taliban has harvested a record crop of opium, making the group the only religious order consisting of equal parts Tony Montana and James Dobson.
The battle between sports loyalties and corporate muscle flexing continues to fester with the Big Ten Network and most cable companies "worlds apart" in reaching an agreement that would allow Ohio State fans the pleasure of watching their football team crush powerhouse programs like Youngstown State and Akron on cable television. The quandary could spill over into basketball season as well. Luckily for me, my college football teams are Otterbein, who I will be able to watch on the local cable network as they get throttled by Mount Union 118-6, and Ohio University, who spent most of last season playing on Court TV, meaning that it sucks to be you, Big Ten fans.
Also in sports news, Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs was cited for crashing his $400,000 Lamborghini on the highway and abandoning it there. Good thing he signed that franchised player contract, because I'm sure that the lease office might be more than a little upset receiving their high-performance automobile back in pieces.
Finally, news of the weird crosses the war on drugs in Mexico, where one of the most important pieces in the country's battle with drug smugglers has been replaced by a mutt. Rex IV, the Tim Duncan of drug sniffing dogs, was kidnapped while being shipped off to a mission, and replaced by a mixed breed puppy. I have no idea what happened to poor Rexy, but if I had to guess, I'd say somebody borrowed him to perform some additional evidence searches at Owen Wilson's pad. Don't quote me on that, however.
Say what you will about sports. You can call it the opposite of intellectualism. Some think it is a breeding ground for bullies. Others simply believe that sports don't really contribute to the fabric of our society. These people are simply wrong. They aren't into great orations.
Anybody who has ever heard John Rocker interviewed would find it hard to believe that sports figures can give great speeches. However, the same people definitely get teary-eyed when they think of the power of Lou Gehrig's Luckiest Man Alive speech. This is one of many famous sports speeches.
Next week is the ESPY awards. This is an event that typically adds little to an already overcrowded sports marketplace. In 1993, the first year for the awards, the event did, however, produce one of the greatest speeches of all time.
The first Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian award was given to Jimmy Valvano, a former North Carolina State basketball coach. Valvano had founded the V Foundation, an organization dedicated to finding a cure for cancer.
The reason that curing cancer interested Valvano was because he would die of the disease less than two months after he accepted the award. His speech (in the YouTube link above), as well as his Foundation, are two great things that have remained after Valvano had gone.
Watch the video with plenty of kleenex around, and remember that sports mean different things to different people. Even after participants have gone, the memories of how they have touched the lives of others will supersede any of the negative stereotypes associated with sports. Say what you want about sports. Sometimes it's more than just a game.
Germany shows off its penchant for satire and humor with the G-8 shuffle. Dopey the Dwarf leads the way, suggesting that Germany could be a contender for the title one of the strangest nations on the planet.
The Scooter Libby Pardon fiasco is a tender pimple coming to a head on the face of President Bush. Jessica Simpson recommends Proactiv. Bush is hoping nobody notices this zit amongst all of the other acne exploding on his face.
The Republican debate saw candidates sprinting as away from the president as he is trying to run away from Libby. Most of the G.O.P. is steering away from Bush in a similar fashion to the way in which the Onion demonstrates retired General George Washington opposing the war in Iraq. It is possible that the Onion staff mistook septuagenarian candidate John McCain for Washington.
The Christian Science Monitor goes over the semantics of determining unlawful combatant status at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This is an interesting avenue to explore, especially since the practices of waterboarding and suspension of habeas corpus probably haven't damaged the United States' reputation enough. Suspension of habeas corpus is probably the only thing that will keep Representative Jefferson from a conviction. Really the only way to get an in depth legal analysis on legal protocol is to ask Slate about real legal conundrums, such as why hit men drop their guns at the scene of the crime in mafia dramas. My guess is because if hitmen are involved in the legal system, they typically less likely to be pseudo-drowned and/or pseudo-convicted.
L.A. Times reporter Megan Stack details the open misogynism that marks Saudi culture, and explains the influence this has on her life at home and abroad. Stack equates her experience in Saudi Arabia to societies segregated by race or other arbitrary guidelines. Saudi Arabia contrasts strongly from Athens, where the arbitrary guidelines succeed in discriminating against athletes regardless of gender in athletic programs. At least that's the party line being defended by Ohio University and its athletics department. Good luck with that one, Hocutt.
The only thing crazier than Title IX legislation and its relationship to Islam is the guy who missed the Pope by one row of seats in the Popemobile. No matter what Benedict claims, he is infallible so he would have known the yahoo was going to miss him. Oh the benefits of a spiritually ignorant existence! Germany is bizarre; the case is closed.
