07 June 2007

Maybe Next Year

For the umpteenth year in a row, PETA has overlooked me in the category of the year's sexiest vegetarian. Without a question, the overall winner should be Natalie Portman, who is one of the only animal products for which I have an indescribable craving.

But come on. Bob Barker! I am way sexier than Bob Barker. Sex would have made his long run on the Price is Right unthinkable. I might not be Jared Leto or Joaquin Phoenix sexy. But I've got Barker no problem.

And while Corey Feldman might technically still qualify as a celebrity, he has been in as many films this year as I have. Granted, I don't have his bloated bank account, but I would have his number in a speed date forum, no problem.

Nobody knows who Dennis Kucinich is, even at his own party's debates. While I'm sure he makes a mean tofu pakora, I guarantee that I get the girl.

As a tribute to the award, Weird Al Yankovic should have to parody songs by fellow nominees Kenny Loggins, Moby, the GZA, Mos Def, Prince and Little Richard. I will radiate veggie sexy from the sidelines.

PETA needs to do a better job with the award that does more to further vegetarianism than the Tony Award does. I'm not sure what effects Broadway has on lifestyle choice. What I have determined is that I need to get more famous or the award needs more sexy.

Screw it. I'm voting for Leonard Nimoy and Pam Anderson. I'm just going to mail it in this year. Next year, I'm going to make an effort to convert Jessica Alba to my dark vegetarian way of life. Hopefully our relationship will get me on next year's list.

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